What can we tell the children?

It’s been made into a meme, but it bears repeating. Mister Rogers thanks his mother for telling him to look for the helpers in the midst of the horror. She said there are always helpers, and she’s right.

If we try to explain why horrible things occur to children, we will inevitably run out of things to say. If we show them the good people do, we will draw their attention to right action in the face of chaos.

Someone told me a long time ago that we have to teach our children: “There are some people in the world who are not nice and will hurt you.” This was in the context of teaching a child to recognize and report any sort of crime against a child, rather than thinking that they have to submit to an adult or that you can easily recognize a bad guy because he wears a bad-guy costume.

By the time a child goes to preschool, he or she has probably seen some kind of ill behavior. Without frightening the kid by painting the playground bully as a terrorist (although . . . well . . . ), perhaps we can acknowledge that bad things can happen to good people. But I don’t think we should try to explain why. I, for one, don’t comprehend the sort of mind that conceives those acts, and I wouldn’t want a child to think I did.

@Hawaii_Jake has a good suggestion. “Sometimes people do things that we don’t understand and that hurt others. When that happens, there’s always someone who can help. You can be one of the helpers.” (Thank you, too, Mr. Rogers.)

There really is no explaining “why,” @Hawaii_Jake.

@Hawaii_Jake I sent that quote to my son and he thanked me for it. It is useful but not the whole picture.

No, it’s not a full answer. It’s a start of a conversation. I like the idea of drawing attention to the actions of helpers.

@Hawaii_Jake Oh, I totally agree with that.

Telling them to look for the helpers seems like an excellent thing to say. I, personally, would place it at the close of a longer conversation. It seems like a good note to end on.

Children are usually experts at getting to the root of roblems, so I concentrate on asking questions, in addition to answering them. When faced with the difficult question of how people can kill others, it’s fine to say, “I really don’t know. Do you have any ideas?” The children I have asked had plenty of ideas, and many were extremely good.

Apart from that, I think the most important thing to remember while raising children to be “happy and open-minded” is to teach compassion. Don’t paint in black and white. The bad guy/good guy mindset does not really offer any explanations. And there are explanations.

One explanation is belief. All children have something they believe in, and they easily understand how ingrained certain beliefs might be, when you are raised with them. They understand how difficult it is to go against those people whom you love and respect.

Another explanation is lack of guidance. Ask them how they know they are doing the right thing. They will identify what has helped them develop a sense of empathy, and they will cherish that even while understanding that others have not been as lucky. Probably more so.

There are as many explanations as there are terrorists. Discussing what may make someone become a murderer is difficult, but I think it is vital to raise children who work against the causes of hate, instead of feeling hatred themselves. It will help them feel more in control – and every child who can show empathy even when it is not easy is one more “helper”.

I grew up knowing there are people who hurt other people, but overall we should feel safe. I always felt like if I was with my parents I was safe. I also was taught I have some control over my safety. I know these recent terrorist acts having nothing to do with having control, but children don’t need to know the gravity of the randomness, do they?

Young children I would just reassure them the places they go are safe. Assuming they don’t frequent any of the places that were attacked. They should feel safe at home, school, etcetera.

Older children, i would still emphasize that statistically they are safe, these are extremely rare events. I would tell them what to do if something bad happens. Bullets flying drop to the floor, that sort of thing. Even maybe take a defense class.

I wouldn’t talk about it much at all if the child seems fairly unaffected. Try to shelter them from ongoing media coverage.

The truth. That there are good people and bad people. Good people are those who live and let live, those who help others where and when they can, those who care about all people equally. Bad people are those who don’t, and/or those who actively and intentionally hurt other human beings through control, manipulation, violence, etc.

We can’t expect children to change the world as adults if they don’t know the reality of the world until they are adults. That doesn’t mean that parents or guardians need to go into the very gory details, but oftentimes, that isn’t necessary because people always seem to forget that children are more intelligent than they’re often given credit for. Kids, at least those who have good parents, know that bullies are mean and that their behavior is unacceptable. What acts any terrorist commits, well… they’re like big bullies. That when they do things like this, people have to speak out against it and stick together so that no one can be picked on.

But then I think it’s very important (possibly the most important thing) to ask children questions, as well. Asking them questions about how they feel about what happened, or if they have any questions in general about what happened, is a good way to understand how in depth you should or shouldn’t go. Sometimes kids have all kinds of questions, but they’re too afraid to ask. Sometimes because people around them are too sad, sometimes because they think they’ll get in trouble for talking too much and sometimes because they’re too scared. Giving them the opportunity to ask is educational, empowering, and it makes them feel important and included – as opposed to watching all of this crazy stuff going on around them.

Maybe also really important to keep in mind is that as much as people try to shelter kids from the bad stuff, it’s nearly impossible to do all the time. There are quite a few kids who have experienced personal tragedies in one way or another (my niece, for instance), who can’t go back and gain the innocence they once had. If old enough, a lot of them get justifiably irritated at being handled with kid gloves, because some of them know you’re just trying to bullshit them. But I think questions and letting them lead where the conversation goes is one of the best ways to handle stuff like this.

Some excellent answers above. Especially yours, @DrasticDreamer.

Thank you @Jeruba! Helping foster my niece before my sister adopted her has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. It was also extremely enlightening and educational in countless ways – and will continue to be, no doubt.

to bring positivity in life….

A contrarian view. I would tell them that sometimes bad things happen in life and they can happen in numerous ways. Although terrorist attacks grab headlines, a person is much more likely to be killed in an automobile accident. I would say that murders due to terrorism are a small fraction of the total and that you are more likely to be murdered by an intimate than by a stranger. Live well, take proper precautions and be careful of who you hang out with.

I was remembering this morning when I told my son about the Holocaust – something had made it come up. I told him in simple terms and he said, “You mean they killed people just because their eyes were brown?”

^That hurts.

@janbb Did he say that because he had been through the eye color exercise in school during the 70’s?

This addresses coping for the little ones (0–3 year olds).

@Cupcake I think the 2 year old will be oblivious;it’s the six year old that concerns me.

@JLeslie No – he wasn’t born yet then. It was from the way I explained discrimination although I know the film you are referring to.

In any case, I trust his parents to handle it well; I was more raising it as a general discussion question.

@janbb I’m very glad you raised this question. It is excellent and important.

@Cupcake Thank you for that link. It’s good.

@janbb Yes. I just saw this today and thought it might add to the conversation.

I agree, it’s a very good question. I was reminded of it today when my cousin (7) told me that a friend of hers had said the terrorists had planned a “bloodbath”. She was imagining a bath in a tub of blood, apparently, and was horrified.

@Cupcake yes, thanks for posting it. It is worth considering all ages.

@janbb That’s pretty impressive for a young child. He obviously really understood what you were getting at with discrimination.

When I read the Q I thought more in terms of the violence then the why. I know the terrorist are targeting western culture, but it’s so widespread it feels more random to me compared to the Holocaust that was so targeted against very specific groups. Although, now that I think about it I guess the modern day terrorists are targeting specific groups.

We actually discussed the blue eye brown eye example when I was in elementary school. I just remember the discussion among us (the children) being disbelief that we would judge anyone differently for eye color. Hair color was mentioned too. It was before I really knew what the Holocaust was.

Oprah had a great episode about the eye color experiment. Here is the clip if anyone is interested. It’s less than 4 minutes. It shows how quickly the dynamic of racism and superiority complex develops.

I would take a different approach. Talking about the helpers is an evasion, kids want to confront the darkness at the heart of the event and be reassured and I think if we love them we can do that.

I tried to keep it age-appropriate and as honest as possible, while still reassuring that it’s very rare. Mostly I think it’s an ongoing discussion about life in general, but of course you have to address specific incidences when they happen, too.

We lived not too far outside of Washington, DC and went through similar things a couple of times. My daughters were young elementary school students on 9/11; I picked them up from school early and kept it very simple – “some bad people flew planes into buildings and killed a lot of people. All of our loved ones are safe. Everyone is very sad. We will be okay.” Mostly, they wanted to know why I picked them up early (and why many parents were doing the same). I told them traffic was about to get very bad near their school and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get to them later on (DC was being evacuated and we were on a major commuter route.)

With the DC sniper, it was harder. They went to school close enough to the situation that they had indoor recess, windows lined with construction paper, and volunteer parent barriers to protect them as they walked into and out of school for a good long while. If I remember correctly, I said the sniper had something wrong with his brain that made him want to kill others. I stressed that it was very unlikely to happen to them, that they should be cautious but not afraid. It was a tricky balancing act. (Then the TWO snipers were caught quite close to where the girls lived. Oy.) When we later found out what the true motive was, we shared that with the kids, too.

You may already have seen this video, but it is exactly what you are asking about: a Paris father trying to make his young son feel safe. Have some tissues ready.

Yes, Hawaii_Jake steered my to it. It is lovely. I’d like to hear more about how my family is doing over there with it, but they are always busy and it is hard to communicate with them. I’m sure we’ll talk again soon.

One story my son told me when we talked last Saturday was that my DIL had told Jake something of what had happened. Later she was talking to her babysitter on the phone and when she got off, Jake said, “Oh, the President of France is coming to our house. I’ve never met him before.” So I guess he wasn’t too traumatized.

I keep thinking of the movie “Life is Beautiful.”

Children are very resilient, and I think can generally handle a lot more than we give them credit for. It’s impossible to predict what will later turn out to have been an event that will have emotional consequences as an adult – even seemingly mundane things can turn out to be traumatic. All we can do is communicate and let them know we are there.

Also, for a moment there, I was picturing @Hawaii_Jake as your grandson!

I was picturing myself enjoying a cosmopolitan childhood in Paris. All that pain au chocolat!

All this, and meeting the French president, too!

He is a true Montmartrois, mon petit fils!

Click here to read what the Mayo Clinic recommends.

Good link!