Who do you make an effort to pay your respects to?

For me, I think it’s mostly about your own grieving and being there for others who are grieving. If you don’t need to go for the closure, nothing wrong with it if you don’t need to go, then that’s one thing you don’t need to consider. If the people most affected by the death have other people there at the funeral to be with them, then I don’t think it’s a big deal you aren’t there if it conflicts with plans you previously made. Exceptions would be if the people most affected are extremely close to me, then I probably would change my plans. However, if the people affected insisted I don’t need to be at the funeral I would accept it. Like, if my mom lost a close friend, God forbid, I might want to go for her, but I can hear her saying, “no, you don’t have to, daddy is going to be there, don’t change your plans.”

If I missed the funeral I would do my best to visit the week following, or call. The mourning lasts a long time, and all that support for the bereaved often disappears in a very short time. You can be the one who is there when most people have started to vanish.

No one.

I don’t believe in ever making someone feel pressured to attend anything. It is wrong and unfair to judge a persons level of caring/respect by whether or not they choose or choose not to attend a funeral/memorial service, or a wedding or a birthday party, let alone extenuating circumstances that might prevent a hasty response. If I am unable to accommodate a situation I will offer my respects ad/or condolences or well wishes via a personal phone call and letting the person know I am available if they need anything if they are in my geographic range.
If someone wants to accuse me of being uncaring, so be it, not my problem, it is their problem.

There are a million ways to offer/show respect/support and it is not up to another to determine what is a satisfactory response for another. I hate guilt trips, so manipulative. bah!

I am not a fan of funerals. They are generally awkward and uncomfortable social situations where many people claim a relationship with the deceased that is much stronger than what they likely had in life, then there’s some trite pop music photo montage, and then some minister who never met the person reads whatever pick-a-number service was chosen, usually something insulting to the audience about sin and forgiveness, and then more dull music. If you’re unlucky, there might be a chance to stare at a heavily painted corpse.

Maybe you’ve been to better. I haven’t.

Ok, yeah, Sci Fi, but I like the Fremen funeral rite in Dune. They pile the deceased person’s belongings in the middle, then take turns telling stories about what the person did in life, ending with “soandso was my friend”, and taking an item.

When I die, throw a kegger, divide my shit among you, and bid me good riddance.

I’ve done very few funerals in my life; like @Seek, I’m not a big fan of the ceremony. In fact, I didn’t attend my own father’s funeral (though I could have) because of a huge rift in the family at the time that I didn’t want to inflame with my presence. And we didn’t have a funeral when my mother died six months later. Dad used to tell us that after he died we should “toss the body in the river”, but we didn’t live near a river and he died in Flagstaff, Arizona, where there aren’t any rivers, so we just couldn’t accommodate his clearly stated wish. That’s pretty much how I feel, and fortunately for me (if I die pretty soon, which may not be so fortunate, I suppose) I live within an easy walk of the Connecticut River, so … we’ll see. Stay tuned.

I don’t worry a whole lot about what others think about what I should or should not do. It makes living a whole lot easier. Maybe it’ll make dying occur a whole lot sooner, too. Again, we’ll see.)

Nobody.

It’s not that I don’t respect the departed, but rather that I’ve had too many funerals that I really could not attend in any way, shape, or form. Some I didn’t even find out about until after the service.

Then again, after the eighth death in my family (basically everyone I grew up with except my mother and one aunt) and a few close friends, I’ve had more practice at missing funerals than is healthy for me, so it’s probably just as well I don’t have any advice for you other than don’t turn into me.

I’m just as lost here as you are on this, but I felt like posting just to let you know that you’re not lost alone.

The last two funerals I have attended were for family members of people who have worked for me for years. I did not know them well, only in passing, but out of respect for the person I knew I attended. They were in town. I missed another when I was out of town that week. While I regretted it, I could not bring myself to come back to the state for it.

Here is my must attend list:
1) Immediate family. – (Most large corporations allow time off for this.)
2) Someone with whom I’ve had almost daily contact
3) Someone I highly respect and has made a positive difference in my life.
4) Long-time personal close friend.

Nice to attend list if it will not greatly disrupt my life
1) Ex coworkers
2) Distant relatives

Thank you for your mention of @gailcalled. She fit into my first group. There was no question about attending as long as I had her family’s permission.
I am glad I went.

That’s just it, when it feels like an effort, don’t attend. When it feels entirely natural & wild horses could not drag you away, then go.

I make an effort to go to as many as I can. If someone takes the time to tell me about someone’s passing (because I don’t read obituaries), then I try to go.

That being said, @ucme is spot on. It should feel natural, not obligatory.

I’ve been to so many wakes and/or funerals over the years, I’m always amazed when I meet an adult who’s never been to one.

First, never apologize and never explain. Just write a card (and send flowers if that is warranted) that says something like (in your own words). “I am so very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that I will not be able to be there for you at this time. Old Jed was a great (uncle, cousin, friend). I remember the time he took me fishing and fell in. The two of us shared a great laugh. (substitute a memory of the departed or a positive trait). We’ll be thinking of you through this difficult time.”

I visit my Father occasionally. Clean his stone and sweep his footstone. I also visit a childhood friend each year on the anniversary of his death. I usually take a folding chair and a couple beers (one for me, one for him) and two cigars (same). We chat about what’s changed since he’s been gone, how our children have grown, and just basic stuff. I leave the beer for him and break his cigar so nobody else can smoke it. Somebody is letting me leave the cans there for a couple years. They seem to only allow three at a time though.

I remember when my grandfather died, about 20 years ago. I was very flattered by the people who came from near and far, and took time out of their busy schedules, arranged for child care, etc. to attend his wake.

I don’t have any hard and fast rules for who I will make time to attend to. If I feel a visit is warranted, it’s more a “case by case” basis as to who I will see and whether or not I can get there. Of course, if it’s a family member, close friend or family member of a close friend, I’ll go through hell and high water to attend. Recently, my parents’ neighbor passed away. They’ve lived there over 20 years and the neighbor was in her late 80’s. Often, when my parents had dinners, parties and cookouts, they invited the neighbor. I would have attended her wake but it was only during the day, and circumstances didn’t allow it (too far, plus I had to work and it’s a busy time at work). Otherwise, I would have. So, I’m flexible and will make an attempt, when possible.

I too avoid funerals if possible. The grim truth around life beyond middle age is that the lights begin winking out at an alarming rate. I will go if there’s any hint that the spouse or family expect my attendance, but usually will show up the day or evening before the ceremony while the body lies in state. I find it much more peaceful and for some reason more intimate. I don’t remember when My attitude on funerals turned the corner. As a kid and altar boy , I absolutely loved loved serving the funeral masses and the trip to the ritual at the gravesite. There was of course the great incentive of ducking a tedious day at school, because you had to know your stuff, and the average altar boy didn’t know the drill. But thinking about it there is great power in those rituals and the words around them, and just remembering them makes me realize why it is that the grip of the church on its devotees is so compelling. Back then most of what the priest would recite was in Latin, but there at the grave site I would stand beside him clutching the censer with the fragrance of incense soaking into my cassock. The process soon became a matter of rote, and I’m sure just as with the Mass I would day dream while the priest rattled on in Latin. But there was always that one riveting incantation in English that got EVERYONE’S attention: “Deliver me O Lord from everlasting death in that awful day when the heavens and the earth will be shaken and You will come to judge the world by fire”. Now THAT will wake you up.