What made him upset?

Canceling a date with a schizophrenic who has to keep himself busy to avoid the voices in his head does not seem to me like an irrational decision on your part.

He has schizophrenia. You will always be fighting this illness of his. You probably should move on.

I am on a phone right now and greatly hampered from writing what I want to say.

People with mental illness are worthy of love and intimacy. They can recover and lead lives of great achievement. I am in recovery from bipolar disorder. I did it. Many others do too.

To dismiss anyone because of mental illness is a great loss for all of us. Cruiser and Chyna seem to think he’s not worth your time. I disagree. Give him some space, and call him back. He may want to see you, or he may not. There’s no way to predict that outcome.

Don’t commit to this relationship. Honestly. Such people are worthy of love, yes.. but ask yourself if it’s going to be worth it for you too. Don’t get in a one sided, pity-work relationship. It’s horrible. You’ll be unhappy.

There’s no such thing as one person for every man/woman. Choose wisely.

@Hawaii_Jake, however, a relationship with this man is likely to come with a range of significant challenges. Given @vatofjelly got upset because he didn’t call when expected, perhaps they aren’t a match made in heaven. Only @vatofjelly knows whether she/he is secure enough to be in a relationship with someone who may need an extra layer of understanding. Yes, the man should be able to have a relationship, but if @vatofjelly doesn’t have the strength and personality to be able to accept and live with his mental illness, it’s probably best to move on now.

I agree, @Earthbound_Misfit . This is not a good match. Someone with schizophrenia deserves to have someone in their life who understands, but more than that, has the patience and strength to face the demons with them.

I’m sorry, but I can’t get past the staying busy to avoid the voices thing. You can;t be SERIOUS about spending time with this guy! ? Can you?
What happens when one of the voices tells him to tie you up with strings Xmas lights and poke your eyes out with a candy cane?

@Hawaii Jake I believe what you said really speaks volumes in what I too think of him. But I just didn’t see what made him so upset.

Naturally we’re assuming that he’s telling you the truth. Right?

It is already twisted and confusing before it has even started out. Bear in mind that you will be treading on eggshells in this relationship. Who knows what else lies beneath! Be careful and aware.

@Hawaii_Jake I made my comment based on the info the OP gave in that Mr Right was too busy because he doesn’t like standing around all day because he has schizophrenia, and he likes to keep busy to avoid the voices in his head. I know from being in love with my ex wife who turned out to be way over the edge how easy it is to ignore the obvious. Feeling and dealing with the hurt is one thing compared to the other options that are easily available and all I was trying to highlight.

I think @Jeruba asked a good, valid question. I agree with @Hawaii_Jake when he says that people with mental illnesses still deserve loving relationships. However… if you know for a fact that he’s telling the truth about having schizophrenia (and not simply using it as an excuse to be a dismissive jerk) and he’s getting help for it and not simply trying to handle it on his own (because with schizophrenia, that’s impossible and potentially dangerous for him and every person around him), then I think, maybe, you should give him some space and see if he calls back.

If he does, apologize for cancelling so quickly and calmly explain why you did. Hopefully he’ll be understanding.

If he’s still having difficulty due to the voices in his head it sounds as if he is an untreated schizophrenic.

That’s a recipe for disaster if I ever heard of one because you have absolutely no idea what these voices are telling him.

He needs help, not another date. Try to see what you can do to persuade him to get professional help.

Yes, people with mental illness deserve love, but if he can’t love himself enough to seek treatment for his illness, then how can he have any love for anyone else?

@Drastic Dreamer. He is not getting help for it. He said the voices are a part of him.

As I said, trying to pursue a relationship with a stubbornly untreated schizophrenic is a recipe for disaster.

I don’t often agree with @Hawaii_Jake, but maybe just this once …

Yes, your date obviously has some problems, but kudos to him for telling you about them pretty early in the relationship, so that you can be prepared and know what it is he’s dealing with, that anyone will have to deal with (indirectly) in a relationship with him. Considering the amount of withholding of vital information that so many enter relationships with, that fact about his openness impresses me a lot. I respect that.

However, even knowing all of that, you seem to be rushing things with him. While I totally agree with Jake that this man apparently deserves love, affection and intimacy, you seem to be rushing things by having sex with him so soon after first meeting him. I can understand that a girl’s got needs, and you may want to “be in a relationship” (or maybe just have good sex on demand – I don’t know and I’m not being judgmental). And this man has clearly identified that he does have special needs. You cannot take that lightly about him.

Look, he’s schizophrenic, he admitted that to you (there may be more that he hasn’t opened up about yet, which needs to be considered as well; that’s not uncommon at all), and he told you how he deals with his illness. Yet you forgot all that the day after being intimate with him, then quickly got impatient and immediately blew him off. Now he has put you at arm’s length – and I think that is very wise of him. He has enough on his plate without having to deal with an impulsive, impatient and needy girlfriend (which is how he may view you right now – I’m not being judgmental, only impartial and maybe blunt).

I would suggest that you probably aren’t the right girl for him. He needs someone a whole lot more stable and grounded than you appear to be: more mature overall, I think – and more considerate. (That may be a little judgmental, but I’m not trying to be harsh on you, only respectful of his clearly stated needs and limitations here.) Be kind to him; be friendly, and maybe you could set him up with one of your friends – who knows the score going into the date! – but give him a pass for now, for his sake.

@vatofjelly Nope, sorry, my answer just completely changed, then. Schizophrenia is something that needs to be treated. It’s potentially dangerous and it’s very irresponsible of him to not seek treatment. I don’t think you should even consider seeing him again unless he changes his mind about getting help with his mental illness.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like either one of you are ready for a relationship.

The first red flag that I saw was not that he was mentally ill, it was that you had sex with him on the first date. Many people have done it yes, and they’ll probably jump on me with tales of how they did it and went on to marry the person, etc., but it’s not the best way to start a relationship.

Are you sure he was telling the truth about being schizophrenic and not just saying that to throw you off?

If what he is saying is true, then I have to disagree with @Hawaii_Jake. Not that the man doesn’t deserve love and to be loved, but if he has an untreated serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, he’s going to be unpredictable and possibly dangerous. His mental health should be his first priority. I would encourage him to get help if I were you. Only then is a good relationship possible.

Mental illness aside, this is a classic case of someone just not being that into you. If someone has your contact info, they will reach out and make a get together happen if they really want to.

A lot of young adults use dating apps strictly for hookups. Come over and watch a movie (link slightly NSFW) is basically code for hooking up. This is our generation’s version of going home with someone you met at a bar.

Casual hookups aren’t for everyone. A lot of people feel like shit afterword, because having sex is a pretty significant and intimate thing to do, and rejection is basically built right into hooking up. It’s a kind of cold and impersonal interaction. A lot of us are hardwired to expect emotional reciprocation with sex. If you are one of those, then it’s important to seek out positive sexual experiences with the right people.

The mental illness is a separate issue. You should move on from this guy because he can’t give you what you want.

I am not only in recovery from bipolar disorder, but I am also a mental health professional. I know first hand the importance of treatment. When I read that he could distinguish between the voices in his head and others, I thought he was in treatment. Reading that he’s not is disturbing.

I would give him space, and then I would ask him if he wants to have a conversation about professional help to manage the illness. He may not be willing to have that conversation, and that’s his choice. His decision should inform your next move.

I agree with @chyna.

I hadn’t read deeply enough to realize that he’s not in treatment, either. I don’t know enough about this malady (except to know that popular presentations in various media are generally wrong in one or more ways), but I would agree that he needs to have some qualified, objective outside professional to at least keep tabs on him.

@Hawaii Jake. We spoke but it was only brief. I don’t want to have that conversation over text. If he reaches out again, I’ll call, and mention some resources for mental help.

I should have listened, and gave him his space because i basically pushed him away with my texting. Oh well.