Wanting to breastfeed at a wedding when the bride requests you don't: What would you do?

Avoid all the drama and pump and bottle the breast milk.

I should add that the mother of the baby says she has to pump every two hours, so that would hinder her attendance at wedding events.

I think she has to honor the bride’s wishes and either breastfeed in the bathroom or not go.

How much do you like the bride and groom. Basically, this has nothing to do with what is legal or not. It has to do with feelings and relationships and respect.

The bride and her family is disrespecting the nursing mother by asking this in the first place. It’s rude, rather antiquated, and somewhat ironic because the bridge is going to be in the same situation (although reversed) in a couple of years.

On the other hand, they have made a specific request to the guest, not to do something. If the guest is a good friend of the bride, she would adhere to these wishes, despite the rudeness. And then I would probably re-evaluate the friendship.

But why does it take 90 minutes to nurse? When my wife had kids and nursed, it was a 15-minute operation.

@jca She has the option to pump or breast feed before hand and have 2 hours of enjoying her presence unencumbered by her duty to breast feed her baby and when that time to feed her baby arises 2 hours later, she can either excuse herself to the bathroom to again feed her baby. Breast feeding a baby is not a marathon…it only requires 15 mins a boob max and she will be back at the reception in no time.

This bride and her mother need a smack upside their heads.

- It would be perfectly acceptable to exclude all children from the wedding.
– It would be perfectly acceptable to allow infants at the wedding.
– It is not acceptable to specifically invite an infant and then make restrictive demands based on that infant’s presence.

There is no way the mother can win in this situation. If she attends (at her expense) she will be relegated to a bathroom (which is not an acceptable place to nurse an infant) for most of the time. If she does not attend, the bride will likely hold it against her. If she attends and breastfeeds her infant on demand as usual, choosing not to sit in a fetid stew of other people’s gastric odors while her baby eats, the bride will hold it against her. No telling whether she will make a scene during the reception or have the good sense to wait until they’re in private (I’d hope the latter but I wouldn’t count on it).

Frak it. I’d stay home.

@Cruiser says breast feeding takes 15 minutes a boob.
@jca says it takes 90 minutes to feed the child.
Apparently the mother has six boobs. I can see how that might take the attention away from the bride.

It really does depend on the baby. Some will nurse and doze and some will gobble.

The original question

here

states that this particular woman’s past experience with breastfeeding a newborn is that it takes 90 minutes per feeding. This may be due to a number of reasons, like a slow let-down reflex or a particularly ample supply, or due to the baby itself.

Every woman’s breasts and every woman’s babies are different.

^ fixed it.

Here’s the column. It’s not just on FB. Here’s the link. It’s a fun column. Like I said, a bit like Fluther.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/29/fashion/an-infant-breast-feeding-and-a-wedding.html?ref=topics

I would do as the bride asks.

If the bride has a room at the event sight, I think she should offer her room, and not ask the bride to sit in the bathroom for an extended period.

It’s the bride’s one wedding day; she gets to be as irrational or unfair as she wants to be. The new mom, is a new mom, and there are all sorts of sacrifices that get made when you have a new baby. I think the woman who needs to breastfeed can get her husband, or a girlfriend or two to sit with her for 10 or 20 minutes most likely and she won’t be all alone.

I personally wouldn’t ask anyone to leave my wedding or reception to breastfeed, but if they chose to do it I would want them to be discreet and sit towards the back for the comfort of those who might be made uncomfortable by if. If I was breastfeeding I would probably go to another room, not the bathroom, unless it was a fabulous bathroom with a nice lounge area, to breastfeed my baby in that situation. I’d go to the lobby, changing room (meaning bridal party changing room) or ask the coordinator where I can have some privacy.

Then that makes three people sitting in a bathroom during a wedding they bought fancy clothes and plane tickets and gifts to see.

Besides that, do you have any idea how distracting it is to have a baby start crying because it’s hungry, then the shuffle of gathering baby, diaper bag, etc., shuffling out of a church pew, opening doors to get out, blah blah blah…

It is so much less disruptive to any event to just allow the woman to put on a cape and feed the kid before he starts fussing.

@Seek No one would be forced of course, but the other woman can pee, fix her lipstick, 5 minutes of gossip, and that killed 15 minutes right there. One more woman doing the same thing and that’s almost half the time. Someone might want a break from the loud music anyway and spend time with her, you never know. Or, the mom just has to be alone. She got unlucky with a baby who takes a long time to feed, hopefully she will be very lucky with her new child in other ways.

I personally would not ask the breastfeeding mom to leave the room as I mentioned.

All I am saying is that if ever the day comes for this new bride to have kids of her own, she will then realize how incredibly ignorant, selfish and insensitive she was on her wedding day.

@Cruiser Exactly right.

It’s a weird thing to have come up. Who thinks of such a thing to tell guests before a wedding?

Bridezillas who have orgasmic power trips.

None of us would go to the wedding. It is a ridiculous request. My exclusively-breastfeeding infant is practically an extension of my own body. We are conscientious enough to take the baby out of the room if noisy or smelly.

Even the Pope encourages mothers to breastfeed in church. They are babies. That’s how they were designed to eat.

None of my kids were ever ok with a cape or any kind of cover. We would just have sat in the back out of view, but able to enjoy and support the wedding.

I wouldn’t be angry or carry a grudge or anything… but none of us would have gone.

I’d decline going. There should be no demands put on a nursing mother as to where it is acceptable to feed her hungry infant,
Asking a nursing mother to go to the bathroom to nurse is just, plain, rude and controlling as hell.
I’d tell the bride and her mother to take their archaic ideologies and shove ‘em. haha

Unless the mom and baby are part of the nuclear family of the bride, I am surprised they would even take a baby to a wedding.

The first time we left our son with a sitter (my parents) was to go to a wedding. And when I got married, the only children invited were my nieces and nephews, not children of guests. Sometimes, events are not for newborns.

If mom is an exclusive breastfeeder, pumping and feeding a bottle is probably not an option.
(a) you pump less than you nurse. That is a fact. Unless you have been pumping over time to build up your supply (i.e. create an over-abundant supply above and beyond what your baby would nurse so that you can freeze excess to feed by bottle), you would not have enough to feed your baby.
(b) presumably, you fed your baby 2 hours ago, so you have nothing extra to pump in advance. Milk is not created instantaneously on-demand.
(c) baby might not take a bottle.
(d) by the time you are done with the wedding, you may be painfully engorged due to having missed a feeding. Early milk production is a finicky affair. I could have gone for several hours without becoming engorged after many months of breastfeeding, but early on that might have led to painful engorgement and milk leakage. Not only painful, but embarrassing. Again, it depends on how old the infant is.

I didn’t leave my kids with a sitter for about a year. They were with me (or hubby in short stints) for 3 months until I went back to work. Once I went back to work, every minute away from work was with my kids.

@Cupcake Who is none of us? Your entire nuclear family?

I really don’t understand not going altogether because it is a “ridiculous request.” I do understand not going, because it’s too much of a hassle to bother going if it’s far from home and you might miss half of the event.

I think if I were the mom, I wouldn’t go (nor the hubby and of course not the baby either). When my daughter was born, the doctor told me to keep her away from other people’s kids as much as possible,and keep her away from public places like shopping malls because she didn’t yet have the immunity built up. I think if I were the mom, I would have decided that the plane and travel and hotel and wedding would not be the best place for a baby, plus a wedding is loud anyway, as @zenvelo pointed out.

When I was about two or three weeks from delivering, my sister graduated from college and I couldn’t go. The doctor had said stay fairly close to home because at any time, the baby could come. It was unfortunate that I had to miss sis’s graduation but these things happen when there are kids and babies involved.

Babies have to be fed, you don’t have to attend the wedding. Compromise? Find a secluded spot at the wedding to feed junior.

This is such a strange question.

I just don’t know how the woman can go ANYwhere, shopping or anywhere, with all of the issues she has surrounding the simple feeding of her baby.

My sister planned her wedding to coincide with the birth of my first child (the first grandchild of all,) due to arrive in July of 1985. Her wedding was two weeks after the birth. I was IN the wedding, as one of the bridesmaids.
I breast fed exclusively.
I was really, really worried because Corrie was such a crier and didn’t sleep well. My sister’s new grandmother-in-law held the baby for me, at the back of the church and if Corrie started crying she was willing to take her out for how ever long it took for me to finish my wedding duties.

The question is weird because:

A) How can she know in advance that the baby with be hungry during the wedding, and will want to nurse ALL THROUGH the entire wedding? Hell, the wedding itself is only 15 to 30 minutes long.

B) Why can’t she plan to just feed the baby ahead of time to ensure he won’t be hungry for that brief window of time? I spent a couple of days before the wedding working on getting the baby on a “schedule” that worked around those times. That is the only time she was ever on any kind of feeding or sleeping schedule.

C) If she breast feeds, why does she have to pump every two hours? AND if she pumps that means she also bottle feeds, unless she just throws that milk out. So why can’t she pack a few bottles for that one day?

D) If all of those things are such an issue, then I think she should just plan to attend whatever wedding functions she can in her two hour window and call it a day.

To me, I get the feeling that the nursing mother is more out to make some sort of statement about breast feeding, rather than trying to work around the situation. Someone asked why the bride would even think to ask that of someone. Militant Nursing Mama might explain that.

This is your classic “perfect wedding” wish gone mad. Show some fucking sense & let the woman feed her bairn, life is allowed to go on in & around your wedding.

She’s not assuming it’s going to happen. She’s been informed that, in case the child does need to be fed, she is to do so in the bathroom.

Not in a lounge, not in the back of the church, in the bathroom.

The mother is pregnant. The wedding is scheduled for six weeks after the baby’s due date. Assuming the child is born bang on time, that’s still not much time to build up a supply for bottle feeding. That’s assuming also that the child will take a bottle. Nipple confusion in the first two months can be a real bitch. Oh, and it also assumes TSA doesn’t think the frozen breast milk is actually liquid explosive.

I read the post. It was not a militant mother, it was a concerned father looking for advice on how to field the decision on whether to attend.

It never ceases to amuse me how weddings, which are bursting at the seams with fertility symbolism, have become so unfriendly to children.

@Seek there is no “if” in the details. ”The wife wants to breastfeed at the wedding, not in the bathroom, because it takes her 90 minutes each feeding.” That’s one of the things that suggests the mother may be militant, wanting to make a statement where ever she can.

Again, she should do her best to make sure the baby is fed, clean and dry before the relatively short ceremony. I think anybody with a baby has a duty to do that, breast fed or not, or be prepared to take the baby out.

An hour and a half to feed, and she has to feed every two hours…...again, I don’t see how the woman can even function in every day life. Does she never go to the grocery store? Does she never shop? Both of those things can easily take longer than a wedding ceremony.

I haven’t read the other answers but if it were me I would just decline the invitation.

I used to strap my kid into a ring sling for hands-free feeding while doing the shopping.

And if anyone suggested I go to the bathroom, I told them to fuck off.

I did not read the NY Times article, I was going on the OP. Now it seems it is more of a purely speculative outrage. The baby isn’t born but they already know it will take 90 minutes to feed? The baby will only be a few weeks old but they want to take it to a wedding anyway?

Sorry, but when you are raising your one precious snowflake, you don’t get to go to every social event. Don’t blame the bride, the newlyweds will understand.

The question posted by the woman’s husband said her past experience breastfeeding a newborn – you know, her own body, often took marathon feeding sessions.

Not going was exactly my answer.

It’s still a really, really stupid thing the bride and her mom are doing.

I’m so glad these issues weren’t an issue when I was nursing.

Agreeing with @zenvelo, that a wedding isn’t a good place for a newborn. Weddings last for hours and are noisy. At some time during the event, perhaps multiple times, a tired, cranky baby will scream its head off.

The new parents have been invited to a private event; a wedding isn’t a public gathering, and the Bill of Rights isn’t in force. Guests need to respect their hosts’ wishes. They don’t have to agree with the hosts, but they can’t show up and make their own rules. This couple has 3 choices:

1) Politely decline the invitation.

2) Show up with the baby in tow, and the mother nurses in the restroom.

3) Hire a babysitter and enjoy the wedding. If the mother needs to take a break to pump, doing so won’t keep her away for very long.

GA, @Love_my_doggie.

Pumping took me forever, even with the hospital-grade double electric pump, which you would not be able to bring to a wedding.

The baby is just as much a guest as everyone else; he/she should be able to eat in the same room as everyone else attending the wedding.
If it’s a wedding in the family, maybe try to negotiate a bit more with the bride.
If it’s a less important wedding, don’t go.

@JLeslie My nuclear family, yes.

I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t leave my exclusively breastfeeding baby with a sitter and wouldn’t feed my baby on a toilet… not just because it was a ridiculous request.

I couldn’t pump at all with a mechanical pump… had to do it all by hand. I went back to work, and had to quit because Ian was losing weight, and I wasn’t able to pump enough to support him.

Children are not convenient. Sometimes concessions on both sides are called for.

Again, I don’t see why she can’t at least try to make sure the baby is fed, dry and comfortable before the wedding starts. At least get through the ceremony. After that, at the reception, if the baby wants to eat, it’s time to go back to the hotel, or wherever, and chill with the family.
I don’t think I stayed long at my sister’s reception, but not because I couldn’t nurse. Receptions are parties (especially as the evening goes on,) and it’s just really no place for a new born. Plus I was exhausted all the time. I was always ready to be home.

Can you switch to milk from a milk bank? Or buy store bought milk just this once.

No, @RedDeerGuy1. It doesn’t work like that with a newborn. Often, once they take a bottle they don’t want to go back to the nipple because the bottle releases the milk easier.

Also, if you don’t nurse pretty much on schedule your breasts start hurting from the pressure of milk building up.

Totally, totally agree with @janbb. Respect the bride’s wishes or politely decline attending. After all, it’s her wedding and I’m sure she only wants to make sure everyone attending is comfortable.

You don’t have a breast leg to stand upon.

Thinking about it a bit more, it’s hard to believe there isn’t a small private room or alcove where she can breastfeed. OTOH, I nursed in many an inconvenient place when my two were young. I feel like there are unexpressed agendas here on both sides. I would either talk it out with the bride or not go. Weddings – sheesh!!

@janbb I was thinking the same thing. Most churches have a Sunday school room or a nursery for the youngest members, surely there is somewhere other than the bathroom, you’d think anyway. I was married in a small church and got dressed in the churches nursery with purple hippos painted on the walls. lol

You’re right, @janbb. Where ever it’s held, there HAS to be a private place for brides and co. to change.

I just read the article. It isn’t the bride who is asking this, it’s her mother and aunts. So, I’d find out what the bride thinks and decide from there.
She also has a special dress and wrap so she can be discrete. Hells bells. What is the difference between holding a nursing baby and a sleeping baby, especially if you can’t see what they’re doing?

@Dutchess_III Hells Bells LOL, my mother used to say that, haven’t heard anyone use that expression in years.

If my recollection is correct, my wife would explode and shower all the guests with boob milk if she didn’t have Will to siphon off the hourly production. Good thing he was a hungry little guy!

I just read the article. I’m surprised someone is planning to fly across country with a 6 week old baby and three other small children to a wedding.

Does it matter if it’s a very formal event or not? I’m just curious what people think about that. Most formal events would be at a place that has a nice place for someone to feed their baby away from the crowd.

As I think about it, my SIL was breastfeeding when I got married and he would not take a bottle. I guess she slipped out now and then to nurse him. I know she didn’t nurse in public, because when I was with her on different occasions she wouldn’t do it.

I feel like everyone pictures this new mother sitting on a toilet feeding the baby. I highly doubt that would be necessary. Now that I know it is the husband asking the question (I hadn’t read the article previously) I’m going to assume he just doesn’t know there will likely be other options. Plus, the mother isn’t going to miss the entire wedding and reception, that right there makes me suspicious of the question. The wedding will be 20 minutes to an hour long. There is some socializing before the wedding if you get there a little early, and socializing in-between the ceremony and reception, possibly a cocktail hour, and then the reception for about 3–4 hours. Start to finish easily 5–7 hours. Is the new mom even going to last that long at the event? She’s going to fly 6 hours. If you include driving to and from the airport, security, luggage, and the flight, that’s probably 10 hours. All day in other words, and I didn’t even count getting the other kids ready for the trip. I hope she is getting there at least two days before the wedding to recover. I also hope the wedding is at whatever hotel they are staying at, assuming they are staying at hotel. It all sounds like an incredible chore.

The response given in the article regarding what the law is in public places, who cares what the law is in this situation? It’s a wedding. It’s a private event, and you show respect for the host. If you don’t agree with the host then don’t go.

My best friend’s baby won’t even take a bottle, so I think a lot of people need to realize that that, even though it seems like a reasonable option, isn’t always for various reasons.

So honestly, I wouldn’t go and I don’t care whose wedding it might be. I wouldn’t feed my baby in a disgusting bathroom.

Gawd, I didn’t even add that they will be changing time zones. I’m assuming the people in question are living in America. Let’s say they live one the east coast and are flying west. They are really screwed, except that new parents barely get to keep their sleep schedule. Still, their other three kids will be messed up. If the wedding starts at 5:00pm, it will be 8:00pm their time. If they are flying west to east they will be doing ok.

I was invited to a wedding just weeks after my little one was born. It was freezing cold out. We weren’t going to drive to the wedding. I stayed home. Hubby came home sometime the next morning.

It is already just a trip to go to a wedding with an infant, to put that on top of it is rude and you can just count me out. I would hope that my husband would stay home, to show his solidarity and help with the baby, but I wouldn’t insist.

I would ask the bride if she is going to have a coat – check girl present, so I can have an acceptable place to leave my baby during her extravaganza. When she says no, I would then abruptly decline.

Coat-check girl? WTH?

I believe Here2_4 was engaging in a bit of illustrative sarcasm, speaking as though the needs of an infant was something that could be easily brushed aside for the convenience of the wedding party.

Subtleties lost.

I don’t see any subtitles. WTH? ;-p

Whoops: never mind.

It’s the bride’s big day, and to comply with her wishes, the guest and her baby should just stay home. What’s the big deal?

Anyway, even if there were a nice room separate from the festivities, it would create the same situation where the friend is isolated from the goings-on.

I have no problem nursing in a bathroom, and I did once or twice. The toilet is uncomfortable, though.

At any rate, nursing issues or not, I agree, they should politely decline. There is a good chance that the kids will be stressed and not at their best themselves.

@stanleybmanly just FYI, it isn’t the bride’s wish, it’s her mother’s and aunt’s wish.

Oh! Well screw em (unless of course they’re financing the affair).

I’d have politely declined. Despite having ample boobs, I could never express milk. I tried and tried and I’d end up with nothing. Yet I could breastfeed with no problems. There is no way I would spend multiple sessions of 90 minutes sitting in a bathroom with my baby. I’m guessing there would be a reception too? So she would have to feed the baby during that too. I’d just say sorry, we can’t make it.