How are you about respecting an unsolicited confidence?

When someone starts to tell me something that sounds very private, I ask about it ahead of time. If I’ve agreed in advance to keep it confidential, I always do, no slips, no hints, no cat-canary smiles or glances. But if someone tells me something and then says it’s a secret, and I feel that someone else ought to know, I tell them that: “I can’t agree to keep this from so-and-so.”

As you note, not having agreed to hear it, I also did not have a chance to accept or decline any conditions. Usually I will say something provisional, such as “I may have to tell my husband. If you’re not okay with that, don’t tell me this story.” And then I will never try to weasel it out of them anyway.

In my book, the only way to keep a secret is not to tell anyone, and that means anyone.

If they say “don’t tell anyone” I will respect it.

Up to the point that someone will be in physical danger. At that point, no. But in all honesty, the situation has come up maybe twice in 20 years.

Wow, @elbanditoroso, twice in 20 years? You’re fortunate. I feel like I’m constantly on the receiving end of tidbits and snippets that I am then told not to tell. So many of these things seem innocuous in the telling, but I no longer feel the need to absolutely honor their wishes. I don’t ever deliberately repeat stuff, but I do let them know that I have no intention of making promises.
I find that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for people imposing social burdens on me.

Unless it is concerning myself, or someone very close to me I do not want to hear it.
And if it is just a casual acquaintance why would they feel the need to burden me with their drama?
I would tell them do us both a favour and keep it a secret.
What you are describing is one of the biggest reasons I love working alone , and not get caught up with work place politics and drama.

Honestly, I’d probably forget the conversation ever happened shortly thereafter.

Other people’s minor secrets are not high on my “give a fuck” list.

If I agree to not tell anyone I tell no one.

But @JLeslie, that exactly the thing. You didn’t agree not to tell. You were given the information and told not to tell, all without your consent.

If someone just blurts something out, then demands your compliance with silence, do you feel obligated to do what they say?

Yes. If someone asks me I comply. I won’t tell it to anyone.

Girls/women say don’t tell anyone after the fact all the time.

Honestly, I’m not picking at you, @JLeslie, but I may perceive a difference here that you don’t. I appreciate that you don’t tell, but do you feel obligated to not tell?

@canidmajor Yes, I feel obligated. Girls talk. We sometimes talk about very personal things, and sometimes we clarify we don’t want it shared after we already told it. I would hope someone isn’t telling a secret that is to be taken to the grave to someone that is only a casual acquaintance. Someone asking me for secrecy is usually a close friend; I’m going to hold the secret for them.

This question got me thinking. And as a rule I assume that most of the private conversations I have with people are nobody’s business but our own. For some reason that I don’t understand, people are constantly blindsiding me with stuff that I myself think extremely personal and frankly, would never want to know. On hearing such stuff, nobody has to tell me to keep my mouth shut. It’s an unwritten contract whether the speaker is aware of it or not. What I find irritating is that when the “news” gets out, not only is there often the revelation from the person involved “well Stan knows about it”, there’s the inevitable recrimination “why didn’t you tell me/us?”

@stanleybmanly That’s what I think. I don’t go blabbing everything someone tells me, I assume conversations are between people talking to each other at the time. However, I do admit that I might tell my husband, mother, or my sister something unless I know it is to be shared with no one. It depends what it is about. I sometimes ask the person telling me if they prefer I don’t tell anybody if they didn’t clarify whether it’s too secret or not. Some friends will say it’s fine if my husband knows.

Yes, I’d keep the confidence in most instances, however, for years, all of my friends knew that I would never keep an extra marital affair a secret for them, or be a patsy in their deceptions. I don’t want to know and god help you if you involve me, I will tell. I strongly believe in not being a party to deception.

I make it clear to the person that I won’t purposely repeat this to anyone with one caveat.

I refuse to lie for them if the other parties involved ask me about it. I won’t be a participant in their lie. If the person telling this secret really wanted it to remain a secret they shouldn’t have told me anything about it.