What do I do with my spouse who is sick of the dog and hates birthdays?

I feel bad for you that you are so miserable. Happy almost birthday!
If you feel that he may hurt your puppy, please give him to a loving home. Your puppy does not need to be mistreated because your husband has no patience.
Maybe you both need to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, you can always go by yourself. Good luck.

Your husband doesn’t sound like a pleasant person. Is he pleasant other times? Is he depressed?

I am going to have to agree with @jca is something bothering your husband more stress at work,other family issues?
Now I am going to agree with @chyna your not happy he is not happy, if you want to save the marriage get counseling.

@chyna thank you for the kind wishes. I don’t think he would hurt the pup. It’s just the whole I am not happy it;s too much work, so just get rid of him. Combined with it’s only your birthday. It feels like not much matters to him right now…

@jca He can be very sweet, both then there are these moments… I think he does struggle with both moodiness and neurotic thoughts…

@SQUEEKY2 Yes work and family stress, but we all have that. Bosses are annoying and college is expensive.

He won’t do counseling, but I appreciate the thought!

I’m an absolute child, so I love birthdays and Christmas and the like. I can imagine how hurtful it must feel for your husband to not only not understand, but not be prepared to respect your desire to celebrate your birthday. Some people don’t see the importance. Perhaps it’s got something to do with how birthdays were acknowledged in his own family when he was a child.

I think all you can do is look to other people to celebrate your birthday with. Do you have other family? Girlfriends? Could you organise to go out and do something special with other people for your birthday? It doesn’t need to be an expensive event. It could be to go to a good friends and do a pot luck meal. The goal would be to spend time with people who will happily celebrate your birthday.

The dog is more complicated. Puppies do puppy stuff. You can’t do much to resolve that other than trying to make sure you manage the puppy and its misdemeanours as much as possible.

It’s a pity he won’t consider counselling. I think having someone help you both to consider each other’s perspective might help.

Point out to him that everything in life does not have to be logical. Celebrating the minor milestones helps to make life a little more pleasant and gives a person something to look forward to. If life was based purely on logic then you never should’ve gotten married. But love is an illogical feeling based on hormones. And with the world as it is today, there is no need to feel happy about anything but there is no logic in being sad all the time either. It does not benefit you. Happiness however benefits you. Physically and mentally. It makes you happy to celebrate being born. It would make you happier if once a year he can put on a brave face and with all the strength he could muster, make it clear, he is happy that you are in the world. That this day is special for him too because it marks the day a remarkable woman, whom he loves was born. He more than you, should have reason to celebrate. He should want to celebrate having another year with you.

Some people just don’t get it because it was never a big deal for them growing up. I get that. But one should take time out of our lives to appreciate the little wonders that make up our lives. My husband was the same way. I use to celebrate his birthday every year and he dragged his feet with mine. Saying birthdays was no big deal. But after celebrating his for a few years, I decided to not celebrate his one year. He was so hurt. He thought I forgot. I told him he kept protesting so I stopped. Then he mumbled that he didn’t want me to stop. He didn’t care about other people, but it made him happy that I looked forward to making his day special. That I wanted to do it for him, because it made him feel special to me.
Tell your husband, it would make you feel special and appreciated to him.
As for pampering yourself. Ask him if he would rather you pamper yourself everyday of the year. We work hard, and most of us live a routine life. It’s nice to pamper yourself every once in a while. Would he rather you are depressed? A therapist would cost a lot more than one little dress. He needs to stop being a tightwad.

As for the dog. Get a dog trainer. Get him to go with you. My daughters husband didn’t want to go at first either but then he enjoyed teaching the dog new tricks and that made them bond.

It sounds like he has deeper issues other than the puppy and his attitude toward birthdays. You say that he struggles with moodiness and neurotic thoughts. Maybe he has a mental illness.

It really depends how birthdays are celebrated. My mil throws us all birthday parties just like we are still 9 years old. Honestly that is not how I want to spend my birthday. I don’t get why people care so much about birthdays either. I think that your spouse is stressed more than he is telling you. Only after I left a job that was stressing me to the breaking point did I realize what a dick I was to people around me.
He should at least take some time for you on your birthday but you should also respect what he wants to do for his, even if it’s nothing. If stress is eating him up you need to help him and be supportive because it’ll ruin your relationship if nothing is done about it.

@Earthbound_Misfit I thank you for the reply. I am a quiet person, so no gaggle of friends, and my parents are quite elder, so it is not a task I can pass off to others. That is part of the reason why I bought myself a dress. It is a tradition, but it was also a way of doing something nice and having something to look forward to no matter what the day brings. I took the day off from work, so I can get hair and nails done, put on that dress and at least feel like I am taking care of myself and celebrating my year.

Yes, dog is tough because we both are equally busy, but you are right I will try to keep as much of the problems away from him as possible. Of course the dog favors him, and much as he loves me I am clearly not the favorite.

@Qipaogirl I was married to a man who sounds somewhat like yours. He also had good qualities. He eventually left me and it was very painful but I have come to realize how much of myself had been repressed by him. I’m not saying that you need to divorce him but do try to get your legitimate needs met somehow.

I’m researching relevant questions and I’m finding this one from the OP, that he keeps things from her: http://www.fluther.com/173340/what-should-you-do-when-a-spouse-keeps-things-from-you/

Also, this one: http://www.fluther.com/179860/why-does-my-spouse-often-think-the-worst-of-me/

It seems he has issues other than the dog and birthdays.

I agree that his discontent runs much deeper than a birthday and a dog.

It’s possible that he is looking for a way out of the marriage, a lot of immature people, men especially, will, sometimes, just be as jerky as possible to push you over the edge and force you to initiate a break up. As “they” say, you are never upset for the reasons you think you are. This is not about the dog or your birthday, this is about his control freak and with holding issues and hidden resentments. Have you asked him if he wants a divorce?

The first course of action is to determine if he WANTS to stay together and work on the relationship, if he is unsure or doesn’t want to then you have 2 choices, suffer along and forfeit your needs and desires to keep the peace ( never a good idea ) or, if he claims he wants to be with you and work on your issues then get into marriage counseling ASAP. It may or may not help, depending on how motivated both parties are. It takes two and it seems he is extremely hung up on himself to the detriment of the entire relationship.

Take the dog and find a new place to live. He does not respect you and he is ambivalent about the most innocent and precious of lives. He has no empathy and won’t change no matter how much it hurts you. If he harms the dog you should be done with him. Animal abuse is just one step to abusing people.

@Qipaogirl, I would find it very difficult to tolerate such behaviour from my partner. My ex was never terribly into (my) birthdays. I do recall him throwing a tantrum when he got up on HIS birthday to no presents (because I’d organised a scavenger hunt and he didn’t yet realise this). However, he at least went through the motions and pretended that he cared about my birthday. Even then, I found his obvious real lack of interest hard to take. Only you know whether your partner’s positives, outweigh his negatives. However, if this is symptomatic of deeper problems, go and seek some counselling for yourself. You deserve to be with a man who loves you enough to respect your desire to celebrate your birthday at the very least.

In the meantime, yes, spoil yourself on the day. Enjoy your new dress, nails, hair etc. Go to the cinema or have a special dinner on your own. I know women who regularly go to dinner on their own. They’ve actually learned to enjoy the process.

Yeah, it’s only going to get worse. Some people get their kicks out of hurting other people and making them feel bad. Or stupid. Or selfish. Or ignorant, even if they are none of those things.

@pandora thanks for the kind reply. My feelings are the same. It is sad that a spouse cannot muster a little more happiness for the day their wife or husband was born. I never met any of his family as they are all deceased, but he claims that fusses were not made over birthdays.

Like you I try to do nice things on his birthday. He does not like cake, so I get a fruit tart, and I buy him presents. I then offer him the option of eating in or going out, and like your spouse, he enjoys.

I agree a once or twice a year indulgence when the other 263 days are about bills and taking care of others does not seem out of line. I use my own money, and I never pay anyway other than cash that is extra, so I do not see the problem. Thank you for sharing your feeling that I am not wrong.

I am thinking of a dog trainer, but I can see him balking at the expense. I am glad it helped you son-in-law to feel better about his pup. I just don’t get it. The dog was his idea, and the dog is crazy for him, but every few weeks there is a blow up about being fed up with the pup because “he’s not getting it.”

Again, thank you for your kindness!!!

@jca thank you for taking time to review some of my earlier posts. I do come here to try to work out my worries. Everyone is so kind, and I really appreciate it. I cannot talk to anyone else about all of this, so you kind folk are it! I try to anticipate his needs and respect his beliefs, but sometimes the lack of reciprocity saddens me very deeply.

@ARE_you_kidding_me thanks for the reply. I do respect his wishes with regard to how he wishes to celebrate his birthday, so I am not asking for something that I am unwilling to reciprocate.

He is frustrated easily, and he does get into his head. I do try to support it, but a lot of the things that he obsesses about I simply cannot change for him. I just try to offer the best support I can and advice if asked.

I am glad that you worked through your stuff and feel better. I am certain that those around you are happy to have the happier you back, and it was most gracious of you to recognize that you were not yourself for a time.

@janbb thank you for empathizing. similar men it sounds like as I do believe that my spouse has many fine qualities, but then can have that other side. Did your marriage end because of this issue? I am sorry for your troubles, but I do hope that you are one the road to healing and feeling more like the old you before you were repressed.

@Dutchess_III a keen observation, and yes you are correct the discontent does run deeper. I try to work with it, and I come here when I need a shoulder. It get to the point where I am not certain of it is me, and I need a reality check to be sure. I try to better myself, but sometimes it really does not feel like I am the one who is odd.

@Coloma thanks for the reply. I wish he would consider a bit of therapy, but he will not. He has said to me “I guess I am not that selfless like you.” So, there is the frustration he knows, but is not motivated to change.

There have been arguments where divorce is mentioned, and he always try to act as though my actions caused him to think that I was hinting at such things. I was not.

I think he loves me, and he does try to be sweet, but then there are these other times where he is just utterly indifferent. Not like a spit personality, but like another side of him.

I just don’t understand it.

@tinyfaery no worries I would never permit him or anyone to harm my pup! I don’t understand it. The dog loves him, and he loves the dog, but every so often it just becomes this “I am tired of this work, and he’s more trouble than he’s worth.” I just hate to hear him say it! Puppies are work and trouble at times, but everyone knows that. He had a dog from a puppy age previously, so I don’t understand it!

In thinking further about the birthday issue, I can understand someone not “being into” celebrating birthdays but it seems like your husband’s attitude goes further. It seems like he actually is upset about you celebrating your birthday. It doesn’t sound like he resents the money being spent because you say it’s your own money.

I don’t know him but it sounds like he has some kind of mental illness.

I think he sounds miserable and many people would not tolerate someone like that. I don’t think I could.

Do you and your spouse have money issues? If so then it may not be out of line. If not then he may have some personality problems. Honestly though, it’s one side of the story. If you are not happy yet still in the relationship it will need to get resolved. I get the feeling there is more to it.

@jca he does not resent the money being spent but thinks it is “foolish” and “indulgent.” Yes it is tough sometimes… I just want to have some fun, and it has to be hijacked.

@ARE_you_kidding_me He personally has issues. I have always been a saver, never used credit, and I continue to do so. I contribute to our expenses, do not expect much from hi financially… I feel like you are looking for my role or fault in this circumstance, and I don’t know what to tell you. I wanted to enjoy my birthday, and share it with my spouse. Seems pretty reasonable. Thanks for weighing in though!

Not at all, just trying to get a feel for the larger picture. He does not get to voice his opinion so we are only hearing one side. That said, I could never give my dog up..I never met one I did not like, even when there are accidents or they chew up pair after pair of $20 earbuds. Not getting the best feeling, I’m thinking you guys need counseling

@ARE_you_kidding_me You do seem to be attacking @Qipaogirl. At least blaming her. Of course we don’t have both sides. We are here to try to help @qipaogirl’s question, not figure out if her husband has a good reason to treat her badly.

A person can not like birthdays and not like puppies. That doesn’t make them a bad person.

No way, sympathizing actually. FYI what goes on in one thread stays there. The OP sounds like she is in a genuinely bad situation and should probably do what she can to fix it or get out. I would never treat my wife that way.

Not liking puppies is actually a bad sign.

Really? They are almost worse than toddlers. but this is Fluther, so I’ll leave now. Puppies and kitties are Gods. If you don’t like them you must be the devil.

Having cared for toddlers, puppies are cake.

You have greater tolerance and patience than I. I would have left him long ago, for not respecting my feelings or my actions. If you can’t convince him to go to counselling, how do you ever expect him to realize what effect his behaviour is having on you? And if he doesn’t care, what sort of marriage is that?

@Qipaogirl, Oh God. When you said, ”It get to the point where I am not certain of it is me, and I need a reality check to be sure.” a 10 fire alarm went off in my head. I remember standing in the kitchen of our house after 9 years of marriage wondering, “Maybe it IS me. May I am the one who’s crazy.”
Then it’s like something snapped inside of me. I knew it WASN’T me, and the fact that I was even thinking that way scared me. I think that was the moment I made the decision to GTFO. It took a year of careful planning, actually, but in the end that is what I did. It was such a relief.

I like puppies but I don’t really care for dogs. haha

KITTENS! A pile of KITTENS running around the house!

Someone can not like puppies and not like birthdays and still be a good partner. The question for you is how much of your soul is he destroying and are the trade-offs worth it. You might need to explore with him what is going on – is he clinically depressed? Does he want to work on the marriage or not?

Yes, cover me in kittens, haha

Agreed, preferences are neither good nor bad, they just are, but…when it comes to keeping pets it is always best that both parties be on the same page. The dog, cat, horse, parrot, goldfish needs to be cared for regardless and everyone in a house hold needs to be willing to participate in the pets care.

It doesn’t even seem like he dislikes birthdays for any particular reason (at least not that you’ve said). It’s not like he’s saying he dislikes them because someone close to him died on his birthday, and so he’s dead set against them forever after because of that. From your description, and from your previous questions that I’ve linked above, he seems like a miserable person.

About 15 years ago, I went out with a miserable person. His mood swings were hard to predict, and the littlest thing could set him off. I didn’t put up with that for long (however, when I look back on it, I tolerated it for too long and tried to justify each episode on his behalf, wondering what I did to set him off or whatever). Shortly thereafter, it was found out that he is (was) bipolar.

How much time are you going to spend trying to figure out what the issues are? Only you know what’s tolerable and what you won’t stand for, but in the meantime, if he won’t get help, life is passing you both by.

If you try to talk to him about getting professional help, is he open to it?

@janbb made good points.

To be honest, I kind of don’t get birthdays for adults either. But I certainly wouldn’t stop someone from enjoying themselves because it’s their birthday.

Life is too short to be miserable so much of the time. You can be more lonely with someone than actually living on your own. I would think about where you want to be in 5 years and how miserable you could be or how happy you could be.
Also, you said he is 60 years old. Perhaps he has a medical condition like Alzheimer’s. Maybe it’s something to look into.
Good luck.

Wait..how long have you been married, @Qipaogirl?