How should I deal with a jealous and negative friend?

It’s time to drop the friendship – too toxic. You can either send her a message of explanation, which would be the kind thing to do, or just unfriend and block her. Unless you think there is a possibility that she could learn to change the behavior, the friendship is doing you no good.

Another possibility if you find that she is pleasant to you in person but nasty on social media is to tell her you are dropping her from them.

@janbb

Objectively, I think that many would agree with you and for good reason. It really bothers me that she acts like this. I’ve always kind of ignored/deflected it and maybe for that reason she never realized how negative she was being?

I think since it is a long term friendship, maybe you should send her a letter or e-mail describing the behaviors that hurt you and see how she responds.

@janbb

I think that’s what I may end up doing. I think that she sometimes acts unlovable because she thinks she’s unlovable and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m terrible at confronting people. I wonder how I should open such a note?

@LeavesNoTrace I like the idea of writing to her and listing specific behaviors with dates, if possible, that are hostile, rude, or disagreeable. I also understand that such a letter will be painful for you to write. I, too, hate confrontation, but in this case, writing is more compassionate than simply cutting her off.

Here’s a possible way to write it:

Dear friend,

I am writing to you, because I value our friendship, and I like/love you. I am not sure you’re aware, but you are hurting me at every encounter we have. Let me list some times you hurt me:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Friend, life is not easy. Lasting friendships are valuable. I want our friendship to last for the rest of my life, but I cannot continue to allow myself to be subjected to abuse.

How can we move forward? How do we get past this difficulty?

Sincerely,

My example is blunt. You may choose to write subtler. It’s your choice. I choose bluntness in these occasions, because I want my meaning to be unmistakable. You might consider being blunt in this case to be sure your meaning can cut through her high.

This is a good question, and I hope things will work out for the best.

I believe your first responsibility is to yourself. Do not allow yourself to be subjected to abuse. Next, you owe your longtime friend your honesty. I agree with you. She’s in pain. Currently, she’s self-medicating with pot. She’s repressing all her disagreeable emotions, and they always find a way out. Nothing stays repressed. At present, these negative emotions are being transferred and used to lash out at others.

All the best to you.

I only managed to get about halfway through your original post before I was thrown out of it by various misstatements and misunderstandings – on your part.

In the first place, the word you apparently want to describe your friend in the red-letter “big question” isn’t ‘jealous’, but apparently ‘envious’. There is a difference, and it’s an important one.

In the second place, if she “smokes pot all day, every day” as you say, then she’s not “working” as you also say. One of those statements cannot be true.

The entire post is written in an accusatory tone and with obvious bias. That’s understandable, since you’re presenting “your case” for ending the friendship, but there’s no mention here of any part that you may have played in its demise.

Finally, when you don’t want to hear from someone to the point that you “dread” seeing a notification with their name on it in Facebook, why would you even for a moment consider that person (or you, for that matter) to be “a friend”?

Time and circumstance change people, and sometimes they change on their own. You’re not required to maintain “a friendship” that has gone sour. But for your own peace of mind I would suggest that you re-read your question for the bias inherent in it – you have led us to think “in a certain way”, which you should acknowledge – and examine your own motivations and attitudes. There may have been things that you have done and not acknowledged in your question that have led her to act in certain inimical ways toward you. I’m not here to criticize you, only to suggest that you are probably not as pure as the driven snow, yourself, and we’re not here to rubber-stamp your criticism of her, either.

I have dropped friends for less.

I am sure that your intuition is telling you exactly what to do.

@CWOTUS

Of course, I’m biased. Who isn’t? But that doesn’t mean I’ve ever behaved badly or spoken a negative or judgemental word to her about how she lives her life. However, she sees fit to indict me for every choice I make that doesn’t affect her whatsoever because she seems to see how I live my life as some kind of ideological affront to the agrarian utopia she’s created in her mind where everyone is exactly like her.

I’ve done my best to disengage and change the subject when she turns the conversation in that direction. Most often I change the subject, ignore it, or try to laugh it off. But she has become increasingly relentless. This comment I left on a Facebook thread that I saved before deactivating, is the MOST confrontational/“nasty” I’ve ever been to her:

“TBH sometimes your deep resentment toward NYC feels a little personal. Living in the city doesn’t make you a bad person. I moved here to escape a bad home life and seek opportunity I otherwise wouldn’t have had in my hometown and I’m happy I did. I’m proud of where I came from but the past 6 years I’ve spent here are also part of who I am too so when I hear only negative things about NYC and her residents it makes me wonder what you think of my character.”

Vis-a-vis the “work” question. She works on a ranch in CO where weed is legal and her employer/landlady is 420-friendly as many people are out there. She’s able to smoke a spliff whenever she wants, including while she’s attending to her chores and can go back to her RV and take huge bong rips on her breaks.

As far as I know, she’s good at her job. So yeah, she has the rare life where work and smoking weed can coexist functionally and she’s basically set up her entire lifestyle to revolve around being able to smoke pot as often as she possibly can. The point where I wonder if it isn’t functional for her is how negative and depressed she seems to be as she’s been a heavy user for ten years and never so much as taken a break.

Speaking from my own experience, I used to be a heavy pot smoker and it was good for a few years until I started to feel demotivated and depressed. I had to cut back substantially until now I only do it recreationally maybe 1–2x a year. That’s just my experience, and hers may be different but I wonder if she has a dependency issue that she’s not addressing out of pride or because she doesn’t know how else to deal with her unhappiness.

Ask her why she finds no contentment and solace in the cattle, the dog and her dope. It’s one thing to harbor (or to pretend to harbor) contempt for another’s choices, but obsessive resentment so openly displayed sounds like one of those “cries for help” my more sensitive friends are always lecturing me about. I know a few people who have driven their friends away through sheer relentless “neediness”. And the needs are always the dreadful duet of emotional and financial, and there’s no slaking either of them for those outside, regardless of what you pour into the bottomless hole.

Drop her like she’s hot.

Whether or not the word usage in the OP was absolutely correct, I ‘m pretty sure we all understand what @LeavesNoTrace is getting at.

I agree with @janbb that a letter would be an excellent idea. Respecting the nine years of friendship is admirable, but it sounds like you two have gone in wildly different directions during a major growth and maturing time of your lives. A letter, which you can write and edit and tweak without interruption, allows you to state with compassion why this friendship no longer works for you. It also saves you from an immediate angry and defensive backlash.

This can be painful, I know. I wish for you a satisfactory resolution, maybe in a decade or two you could revisit this, you both will be in different life places then, as well. Good luck.

@LeavesNoTrace I believe a friend can celebrate another friend’s successes. Perhaps you need to “stop suiting up and showing up” for this abuse.

Because you’ve never confronted her about her behavior directly, I don’t necessarily think it’s the best idea to end the friendship. You need to give her a chance after you tell her how her words have been making you feel, but you also shouldn’t be doing it from a place of anger. If it upsets you and hurts your feelings, say so. If you get angry, even though it’s understandable, it will do nothing but shut down genuine communication. If, after that, she doesn’t care or refuses to acknowledge how she’s made you feel, then you’ll know it’s time to leave the friendship behind.

I don’t think I’d be very tolerant of a friend like you described. Unless you are saying things to her or about her that are similar (insulting country people, for example), I think her behavior is unwarranted and I’d have a conversation with her or maybe I’d just say fuck this and unfriend her.

Only you know if you have egged her on in some way and only you know if her friendship is worth her behavior and nasty comments.

@jca

It would be very hypocritical and insecure of me to insult rural people. I grew up in a very small town in rural NY State and I’m close to many people from my area. The only reason I moved to the city is because of how some things in my life unfolded and it ended up being a good spot fo the time being.

I’ve never directly or indirectly insulted my friend and have always been supportive of her, even shen she’s been backhanded and sometimes cruel to me.

OK, then @LeavesNoTrace, then there’s no logical reason for her to treat you the way she does, and no logical reason for you to put up with it, in my opinion. I would be done with her.

It sounds to me like you are already not friends anymore. Why keep feeling terrible about it? Just stop responding to her. No need for a confrontation.

I didn’t read the other answer.

She is a drug addict. She needs help sorting through her shit from childhood, and what she is doing now. There isn’t much you can do. You have to be willing to lose her as a friend and next time she goes on her rant how you are somehow less than her (that is her own insecurity showing, she is trying to feel better about herself by putting other people down) tell her that you want to make years of education a topic you don’t talk about with each other. Some people make religion and politics a taboo subject, with her it needs to bachelors degrees and career.

Addicts can be pretty impossible, they can be extremely self centered, and they bend realty to fit their habit.

Like a marriage, breaking up is hard to do. You two have grown apart. Sometimes it doesn’t matter, and the two people can grow to be very different and still be good friends or partners. The key is respect for one another, and she does not show you respect. It’s also hard to respect her with how she behaves. Drugs will do that.

You definitely have to tell her how upset she is making you. Be sure to mention how grateful you are for the good times that you have had together and the support that she has provided during bad times. Tell her that just as you are not acting judgmentally about her lifestyle, you expect the same from her. Finally, point out that since she is dissatisfied with her life, it would be advisable to make some changes. Cutting down on the weed would be at the top of the list.

I’d gradually separate myself from this so-called “friend.” Who needs this?

@Aster

Her birthday is coming up on the 8th and mine is on the 9th. I think I’m gonna give her a flaccid “happy birthday” and then take a nice, long break from her bullshit. We’ll see what happens but I’ve decided that I don’t need the equivalent of an outfield heckler in my life.

1) No need to confront her.
2) She may be negative, but you don’t have to take it personally.
3) The best way to deal with criticism is to be curious about it. Where is she coming from? Why does she believe these things? What does she hope to do by telling you these things? Do all this in a neutral tone.
4) Don’t be defensive.
5) If she gets defensive, tell her you are truly curious, not trying to put her on the defensive.
6) She is very unhappy and is projecting her unhappiness on you.
7) Feel sorry for her, but don’t patronize her. Just listen.
8) If you are tired of her, block her on FB. You don’t have to subject yourself to her diatribes.

I think that’s enough.

I debated whether to share my story, but have decided to. My best friend of 40 years had started to change, or maybe I had just started noticing it and letting it get to me. She had started saying negative things about anything I did that really had no bearing on her. Like if I said I had decided to do go to a yard sale instead of a mall, she would say in a hateful tone, why would you do that? Or if I had painted a room instead of either keeping her mouth shut or saying it was nice, she would say in a mean tone, why would you choose that color? It’s awful. Wow, the color was a pale beige. So this went on for about 2 years until I realized I was dreading answering the phone or telling her I had something new, or changed something. The last straw came when I had tried several times to meet up with her to have dinner. She finally said yes to a time and place. When I called her to see who was driving about a half hour before we were to leave, she was sleeping. She said she had to clean her house first and then take a shower. I said let’s just forget it. I haven’t spoken to her since and to be honest, I’m glad I don’t have her in my life. It was too toxic.

You have told her before and she does not change. Unfriend her and no longer contact her.

Hi All,

I reached out to her yesterday and she was very defensive (and offensive). Told various exaggerations and a few lies. She deflected, manipulated and made excuses for why it’s okay for her to bully and insult me.

“I speak my mind! Why should I have to edit myself to spare your feelings? You need to be an adult! Get over it. NYC is the source of all evils! You gave me a judge-y look once when I told you I was going to go shovel stalls. You used me for weed in college!” (Which was not true because why would I be friends with someone for 10 years who I “used” for weed?)

I can say that I was very reasonable in the face of her insults and lies. I kept it on topic and stuck to the facts. I never insulted her and in fact, reiterated to her time and time again that I like her, I respect her and I value her friendship, but she continued to insult me and tried to make herself out to be some type of victim. It was completely irrational behavior from a 30-year-old woman. I even apologized for any time I made her feel bad, but she offered me nothing in return.

I may have to accept the fact that my once-friend is suffering some mental and/or substance issues and that with geographical distance, time and other factors I just may have to let her go.

This was over FB chat and the last thing I said to her after she let loose a barrage of false insults about me, my relationship, etc. Was “Well, how can we make this better moving forward? What do you want me to do?”

Tomorrow is her birthday (the day before mine) and I don’t know if I should even send her a birthday greeting.

I think it is very clear to me from your report of this chat that it is time to unfriend her on FB and also in real life. Why would you contemplate anything else?

@janbb

I agree with you. I’m not going to go so far as to unfriend her and I’ll give her a happy birthday tomorrow on her FB wall. But I will not longer make the effort to contact her.

So sorry. :(.

For now I think you have to not engage with her. In the future you might rekindle your friendship, but she needs to straighten out first.

I wouldn’t unfriend her on Facebook, but I would make it so I don’t see her posts and she doesn’t see mine. Then in the future, even if it’s two years from now, if your curious and wanting to try getting back in touch, you can just adjust those things and start liking her comments, or whatever small way to try getting back in touch. Don’t count on being able to be friends again, but it just might happen.

Like I said, she is an addict, and only a small percentage of people really break free and stay dry for long extended periods, years, and so the stats are against you with this friendship, but you never know.

She certainly has been mean and disrespectful, and for now, take your power back and decide you don’t want her as a friend. It’s sad, but it’s better for you.

Hi @JLeslie,

Thanks. Over the years, I’ve always seen you (and many others) give advice here on Fluther and I wanted to say that I appreciate it!

I don’t want to look like a jerk so I will put a “Many happy returns.” on her FB wall tomorrow but I’ve put her on a limited list on FB and will not be initiating contact with her.

I’m sorry to hear how she reacted, but you handled it the best way you could, and you now know that there is literally nothing else you could have done – besides take the abuse, which wasn’t an option. Maybe she’ll grow someday, or not, but either way, you can move on and have closure now.

I am sorry your friend reacted as she did. She must be feeling a whole lot of pain to be behaving this way. If you do break off with her, because of the longevity of your relationship I think that you owe her the courtesy of an explanation. You can tell her that facing a constant barrage of insults is not acceptable to you. Maybe in her other friendships, if she has any, such rude behavior is proper, but in New York and any other place with a modicum of civility, this is not the way friends treat each other.

Here is the motto I live by these days. If it doesn’t make me happy, make me money, or make me better I don’t make time for it. Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible though