(NSFW) My boyfriend would lie about other women, now I fantasize about it?

Weird stuff turns us on at times. Don’t worry about it but don’t put too much meaning into it. There are more important issues to work on like not getting into an abusive relationship again.

The content of your fantasies are symptomatic that you are still obsessing about this abusive guy, You are getting a strange thrill from imagining him having sex with these other women which is really rather indicative of what, I perceive, to be a masochistic streak on your behalf. It’s been recommended, Ad nauseam, that you seek some counseling, if you are not, actively, doing so then it is only too obvious that you are reveling in your suffering and are getting some sort of pay off from it.
If you aspire to be a martyr you are certainly doing all the right things, what’s next, lashing yourself to a pyre and lighting a fire?

Sexual fantasies are like emotions: They’re not always based on logic. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just try to avoid acting on it since there’s a history of abuse there.

You were wounded, and a few months isn’t a long time to heal and recover. You’re also angry at yourself for having been with this man and let him abuse you, regardless of the relationship’s length.

Please accept your thoughts and feelings as normal, although painful, aftershocks. You did the right thing by getting out of a very bad situation; it’ll take a while for you to stop caring and move on.

Staying away from the sexual nature of your dream / fantasy for now (and disregarding for the moment whether that is a wanted or unwanted fantasy), as humans we often have fantasies about all kinds of things that go against our primary nature, or against some fear (or desire) that we’re consciously aware of. For example, in my own case I’m a pretty peaceful person. I haven’t even been in a fist fight in my life, and the most recent “violent” (or threatened violent) altercation I had occurred more than 40 years ago when a boy in high school picked up a rock that he threatened to hit me with and I prepared to defend myself. (Nothing happened, as we both walked away from that.) For another example, all of my life I’ve had a morbid fear of the muddy bottoms of lakes and ponds that I love to sail over. (It might be one of the things that made me such a good sailor: I never wanted to be underwater at all, or have to touch the lake bottom except in places that I already knew well to be mud-free.)

Yet some of my primary non-sexual dreams are of having superhuman capabilities and being in violent interactions with various criminal elements, and of swimming (at night, no less) in the same waters that I never wanted to enter in the daylight if it could be avoided. Who can explain that kind of perversity? I can’t. I’m still nonviolent – though prepared for it – and I still don’t like lake bottoms, but I’m an excellent swimmer as well as sailor. And I still have those dreams from time to time.

When we add sex to the picture I think things become more complicated, because in our culture we are often uncomfortable discussing sex with those we are the closest to, and sexual taboos attach even to dreams. (You seem to have less constraint than many in raising the issue and discussing it, and kudos to you for that. But it’s still obviously an issue for you.)

My own advice would be to explore – and even to enjoy, if possible! – your dreams and even your nightmares for whatever they can teach you about yourself. It’s not at all “wrong” to have dreams that counter our waking desires. (I’m not even going to mention the sex dreams that I have that are totally at odds with my desires while awake, but I will admit that they can be pretty compelling.)

Finally, I think it’s pretty well known in terms of counseling and analysis that “The way out is the way through.” So even if you were to engage counseling, psychoanalysis or other “treatment” for the dreams (if they trouble you much), then counselor would still want you to “go through the dream” to discuss the aspects of it that trouble you the most, and thereby reduce the emotional “charge” that the dreams contain for you.

^^ She’s fantasizing, not dreaming. It’s conscious.

It could be as simple as something like you turning a very negative experience into something positive (which is what, for most of us, sexual gratification is) to get you through it. If that’s what it does, so be it, as long as in reality you stay out of abusive relationships.

I will add, like so many people have before, that counseling would benefit you. They would talk you through things like this without judgement. If money is an issue, many doctor’s clinics have reduced or completely free access to therapists. Do you have reservations about counseling?

I don’t really know your background as others seem to but I would venture to guess that the fantasy is exciting to you because you are imagining yourself to be the other woman and the object of his desire. It’s one way of working through your jealousy and hurt. Give it time and work on loving yourself and nurturing yourself. Try not to think about him too much. Find diversions.

You might be into Netorare