For fun: what words or phrases would you not use on a date?

“My biggest problem with my ex…..” would be at the top of the list along with blow by blow accounts of your recent health problems :)

Calling your mother “Mommy” is unwise. Also, do not discuss your STDs.

Or advertise the lack thereof. Seems to raise suspicion.

“So I was thinking, maybe when I take you home tonight I can go in through the backdoor.”

“that bitch”
references to “chicks”, “broads” and “hos”
“What happened to your hair?”
“Where did you get that dress?” Or even better, “How long have you had that dress?”
“Are you color-blind?”

“You don’t look at all like your photo,” unless that is followed up immediately and unmistakably by “You look so much better! And it was a good photo, too!” (I actually got away with that once, but you really do need to make the juxtaposition quick and unambiguous.)

I had the best poop this morning.

@longgone I disagree. I ask about STDs before I meet the man. It is vitally important.

“Because of the unfriendliness of so many bitches in this city, I’ve developed an immunity to pepper spray.”

“After all the penicillin I’ve taken, I’m finally STD free!”

Never say I love you on the first date.

“Do you ever press charges?”

I wouldn’t talk about my desire to have many children or get married soon.

How old are you really?
I’m going to get drunk tonight.
I hope you don’t mind guys with bad breath.
Donald Trump speaks my mind.
I left my wallet at home.
It’s OK it’s just acne.

You’re delightful. Even my parole officer would approve of you!.

Can you lend me 50 bucks?

My cell mate was wondering if you have any sisters?

And I was wondering if your sister’s dating anyone?

bitch, cunt, ho, slut

I had fun tonite. Before we ca;l it a night would you like to help me clean my bathroom?

You’re my kinda woman! I just love a gal who knows her place.

You sound just like my husband ex.
When I was heavy on meth…
This restaurant has nasty bathrooms.
So, how many guns do you have?

I NEVER tip.

A little girl like you can’t possibly eat all that. Let me help you out.

I was a mess before I found scientology

Why waste money on toilet paper?

I bet you would look better without the toupee.

Brushing my teeth is just a waste of time. I just love your dentures.

Is that a wig?

Instead of going out, I thought I could come to your place and you can help me with my taxes.

I wouldn’t call myself a cheese lover or talk at length about cheese, unless the topic was French cheeses.

“I’ll order for you.”

@longgone Just a half an hour ago I wrote on Facebook I still call my mother Mommy sometimes. Lol. There is a show in America called DC Cupcakes about two Greek-American sisters who own a very successful cupcake business and they call their mom Mommy, and I was watching it earlier this evening.

This turned out better than I expected. I usually restrict my dating to hot women.

You should try this nose trimmer I’ve seen.
Do you have any close friends who are cops?
Have you seen the movie, Misery?

Will you poop on me?

“my ex”

Also “my wife”

I can’t resist this food, even though it always keeps me pinned in the bathroom the next day.
You’ll never guess what they dug out of my ear once.
Knock knock.

you gonna eat that?

Nah, you can have it. You don’t mind that I licked the sauce a little, do you?

(Or “my husband,” of course; I was actually thinking of words I wouldn’t want to hear.)

So, at work the other day, when I was processing urine samples…

Would you like to come home with me and see my gun collection?

Would you look at this thing on my back and tell me what you think it is?

Shall we get laid?

Do you have a spare house key with you?
I’m not tired. Instead of taking me home, could you just drop me at my ex-boyfriend’s house?
I was going to donate blood for Christmas, but I’m on too many meds.

Boy, did I have a bug yesterday! It was coming out of both ends at once.

“I’ve been clean for almost a full week tonight. Let’s celebrate!”

“Are you going to eat all of that?”

“I like the plot twist in this movie. You’d never guess that the butler did it, would you?”

“If you don’t kiss on the first date, is a blowjob out of the question?”

“That dress looks really good on you. It would look better on my bedroom floor.”

“I can’t believe you’re going to vote for so-and-so for President. Are you on drugs, or just stupid?”

@CWOTUS Yeah, that ^ would be a deal breaker.

How’d you like to meet my mother? She lives in that old two-story house back up there behind our motel.

My first baby was born butt first, and the second I was in labor 56 hours. You’d think with all that trouble I would at least get an orgasm once trying to make them.

I’m not wearing underpants.

@JLeslie

Somehow a woman calling her mother Mommy isn’t nearly as off-putting as a man doing it.

Think Ronald Reagan and Nancy :)

@Buttonstc I guess that’s true. Although, if a man used mommy to his mom when talking to her, or more specifically answering her, it wouldn’t be very weird necessarily, but in conversation about her it would be. I could see my husband reassuring his mom about something she is worried about and using mommy. I can’t really think whether he actually does it or not, but with me he sometimes uses my nickname with a y (my name shortened) when he’s trying to slow me down when I’m worked up. Only about 6 people in the world ever have used my name shortened like that, I don’t go by it. I know my exboyfriend sometimes used popi when talking to his dad. It wasn’t odd at all, but it was when talking directly to him.

The only women I know who use mommy are Jewish and now these Greek girls on TV. Maybe other people do too, but it seems to be an ethnic thing possibly. If I think about it more I use it when I’m talking to other family members, to my mom directly, but not friends or strangers. Maybe a lot of people do that and I’m not aware of it, because I’m not family. I do have one specific girlfriend who talks about her mom to me and says mommy, but no other friends do.

“Later on, when my sperm die in your stomach acid, should we say a little prayer?”

I can’t wait for you to meet my family. My mother will love you. I have eight brothers, well, two brothers, and six half brothers. Mother had three boys when she was married to her second husband, two boys and a girl with this marriage. Daddy has three kids with his new wife, one boy and two girls. We are all a big happy family. Funny, all three of my mother’s husbands are cops. They didn’t know each other before she met them, but they have a lot in common, and now they are all friends. You will love all of us getting together. You will fit right in. It always feels so safe, with all those cops around. My family thinks I should marry a cop, but I think what you do is fine.

@Hawaii_Jake I agree it needs to be discussed, but the topic does tend to be off-putting. I wouldn’t raise it over dinner in a nice restaurant.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Guns I mean.

@longgone

“This chicken parmesan is fantastic! To die for really! Oh, that reminds me – have I told you about my herpes?”

“Are those real?”

Or “is that real?”

Don’t worry about the blood, I work in an abattoir.

There was a business in my area called “Marx Bros Abattoir!” I kid you not.

I got this whole outfit from a dumpster behind a really cute dress shoppe.

“Hey, we’re about the same size, ain’t we? Wanna go back to my place later, ‘n swap outfits?”

In another life I owned you.

So where do we go on our honeymoon?

@Darth_Algar Yeah…no.

I ran into an old friend this week. Would you be interested in investing in a restaurant? It will be a burger place called Cow Patties.

“What are your favorite names for our kids?”

“I’m campaigning for Rand Paul. Can I count on you for some canvassing and lit-drops?”

I’m an undertaker, what do you do?

Is your mom fat? ‘Cause I wanna know what I have in store for me.

I hope you’re not one of those commie liberals that think guns are the problem, when it’s actually criminals who are the problem. They should regulate cars like they do guns, ‘cause cars kill more people than guns. Actually guns don’t kill people, people kill people.

You didn’t vote for that darky did you?

No offense, but…

Those people that claim to have peanut allergies are just full of bullshi*t! Wah, wah, wah! They’re just a buncha whiners.

Do you mind if we stop by my buddy’s house before we eat? I gotta pick up some (fill in the blank mood enhancer here____).

Can you sign this receipt? I’m gonna write this dinner off on my taxes. Otherwise, I’da just taken you to McDonalds.

I don’t eat any fruits or vegetables.

You’re not one of those crazy cat people are ya?

I don’t tip. I think people should earn a living wage. If the waiter isn’t doing his job, he’s not going to get a raise. That’s not my fault.

I don’t care where we eat as long as it’s not one of those places that serves that tofu crap.

Do you mind if we stop at the gas station before we eat? I gotta take a dump and get some Skoll.

“I’m a vegan. That’s not just because meat is murder, and it’s not just because meat and by-products are filled with poisons, cholesterol and fat, and it’s not just because I feel so much more energetic since I’ve stopped eating animal products, but it’s healthier for the planet – which we are killing, by the way. But you should order whatever you want. I won’t preach at you.”

“My mom is going to join us tonight. I hope that’s okay with you.”

Global thermo-nuclear war.

I can only stay out for two hours because I have to get home to nurse my baby.

“Have you been saved?”

@janbb Better than,

“I can only stay out for two hours because I have to get home to nurse my kitties.”

^ Oy vey! Titties for kitties?

You could say that. But if you did, I would have to remove you from my list of friends.

Wow! When that one hits you, you will be able to taste what I had for lunch.

“Did I mention that I have 57 cats?”

“I can’t be out too long, because I need to check in with my Parole Officer about every two hours or so. Maybe sooner today, since my ankle bracelet sort of broke, so I took it off to make this meeting. Yeah, he’ll be callin’.

I never shoulda been in prison anyway. I didn’t do nothin’. Bitch had it comin’, anyway. It’s a long story.”