How do you break up with someone you dont want to hurt?

Breaking up is going to hurt her. There is no such thing as a breakup without pain, unless she doesn’t care about you in the first place. In which case, so what?

Second point: there is no ‘good time’. If you wait to break up, then you are delaying the inevitable. And there will always be another reason to put it off. And on and on and on. Better than you make a decision and follow it through, rather than let it slowly eat you alive.

One advantage to breaking up now is that she has her family for support.

The way I read it, you’re on chapter 5 and she is barely on chapter 1.

Quickly and decisively. She will be hurt, but dragging it out, wasting both your time, will be more painful for her.
And, as @elbanditoroso mentioned, doing it now means she has her family for support and is not dumped alone in a new place.

Yes, there really is no easy way if you know the other person would not want to make the same choice, however…all you can do is be gentle with her and let her know that while you do care you also think that things have not progressed as you would have liked and that you do not want her marrying for the wrong reasons, dependency.
Did you tell her that you were going to give things a year, when you made that decision, has she known how you have been feeling?
What about the next girl friend, what if she loses a job or what about having kids someday, are you okay with supporting a women for periods of time in those instances? These are all serious things that need to be addressed early in relationships to avoid shock and surprise when one day one of the partners finds out the other person has very strong feelings about certain issues that were not aware of.

One thinks taking 6 weeks off work after the baby is born is good enough and the other wants to be a stay at home parent for years. If you do marry you must realize that life doesn’t cooperate with ones plans and ideas a lot of the time. Job loss, illness, disability happens and these are tough situations that need to thought out and discussed in advance. Everyone needs to be upfront with their expectations with the understanding that everything is subject to change.

Kids, pets, where to live, who does what, how household work is shared. Good luck and don’t feel bad, it would be far worse for YOU to stay in a situation that isn’t working for you than to cause temporary hurt to another.

I hate to mention it but you are common law married. You would have to get divorced to leave her.

No, @RedDeerGuy1, that’s not how common law marriage works. First of all if the OP is in the United States, each state has different criteria. Secondly, the concept of “living together as husband and wife” is a very fluid concept in this day and age. Context and intent are important. Simply living together does not a common law marriage make.

Echoing what others have said, there’s no pain free way to do it. The biggest inducer of pain for each of you is to hang on to something that will never come true.

And really, its needs to be expressed without blame, and with a statement the you are each with different aspirations for where the relationship is going, and it is time for each of you to move on.

I think you are wise @scorpiosoul to consider all aspects of this relationship. Is she still living with her family? Now might be a good time to tell her as @elbanditoroso said, while she has the support of her family. You might want to consider that IF she would decide to move to where you are now and assume she’d be living with you, that could put you in a worse situation than it seems you are in now. Wishing you all the best. Welcome to Fluther! IMHO we never hurt someone so much as when we “try not to hurt them”. Be gentle and try to do what is best for you.

You question has me wondering why you are in such a big hurry to get married? Is there a deadline? A deadline for inheritance? You seem more interested in the situation of being married than all else. Even the other person. What’s up?
Why don’t you start looking for someone with whom you want to be best friends and partners, and then after a bit, the one you can’t imagine life without them?
Try being on your own awhile. Cozy up to the new job and get yourself settled. Step back, it’s not a race! It’s the person, not the ‘state of’.

@msh Being with someone for over 5 years who doesn’t want to marry is NOT …such a big hurry to get married. Frankly, if he had asked me about this a year ago, I would have told him to break it off and move on.

@zenvelo- Relax. I guess we have a difference of opinion on the race to be “married”. You made your call, and I made mine on the overall situation. Anyone who believes they are at the pinnacle of who they are going to BE at this early point in their life, are in for some real hurdles in their near future. Good luck with that.
Ready, Set, Go!!!!

Going on on the theme of @msh, what is it about being married that makes you want it even more than being with your gf? I can imagine you wanting to be married, but I don’t see how that could be a reason for breaking up – and would imagine it to be a sign that something else is wrong.

In any case, my trouble understanding that is probably due to cultural differences. Just wanted to share a different viewpoint.

And yeah, there’s never a non-hurtful way to break up. Just make sure you are certain about wanting to do it.

Ask the girl for her advice. Tell her what you have told us. She probably knows this already, but it helps to state your case clearly. Maybe some compromise is possible. Breaking up is never easy, but it will take some of the sting out of it for her if she understands that the main reason for breaking up is your differing views on getting married.

Welcome to married life. Getting married or at the very least in a relationship destined for the long haul takes commitment to that relationship no matter what! Through thick or thin, rich or poor, sickness or health, till death do us part is what it is really all about.

Time for some really deep heart to heart talks to set the table for both your expectations going forward. And one talk is not enough….you truly do need to discuss both your expectations regularly as in weekly so you are confident you both are on the same page. Goos luck/.

You just have to rip the bandaid off. I’ve done it twice and it can’t be avoided. You have to sit them down and tell them face to face too.

There will be tears but hopefully they will realize you’re being mature and respectful to them instead of stringing them along or cheating.

For me the “key” sentence in the description of your dilemma is “All of a sudden she seemed really interested in the idea of marriage when she was suddenly dependent on me.” That sent up a red flag or two for me. Flag one, Using you? Flag two, Got too comfortable in your relationship without, it seems, not much regard for your feelings.

If you have been contemplating breaking up with her you obviously saw something you didn’t like. There is no easy way to break up with someone. If that’s your ultimate goal then you need to just do it but as painlessly as possible.

If you want to continue on with your relationship then you two need to sit down and get everything and I mean everything out it in the open. How you feel, how she feels. What your expectations are. Obviously mutual love is a major driving force in a relationship or marriage. Unfortunately mutual love, in most cases, isn’t enough. You also need mutual trust and respect.

Without those three ingredients, in bedrock form, a relationship is doomed.