Would you tell your pre-teen daughter about your experience with rape?

You are the best judge of that. But if it were me, I would leave out any gritty details and mostly just tell her that it isn’t to make her scared of the opposite sex but to be wary and to always make sure she is in a safe environment when in the company of a guy and what are clues and indications that things may be going south.

Another thing people forget to do is get their child educated on how to protect themselves physically and how to avoid being pressured into doing something they don’t want to do. Also that if they aren’t sure about someone to come and talk to you and you won’t judge their feelings or if anything bad happens that you would be the last person to judge her. Children feel our pain so tread carefully. Check local places for classes that may be offered for self defense for women. Learning to defend herself may help make sure that she doesn’t feel insecure after this talk. Actually. Maybe get her to take the classes first. They will often give tips on how to keep yourself safe from harm and what to look for that you may not know. Then tell her your story if you feel it is still necessary.
I found this site.

Very difficult question. I don’t have children, and perhaps this disqualifies me, but I know the kind of child/teen I was, and my first instinct is to answer – no. My second instinct is to tell you that you’re probably going to be blamed for something no matter what you choose to do.

The reason that I would say no is that it might be very difficult for your daughter not to fixate on what was done to you. This is a time when she is learning about sex, about what is sexy, and what is scary. She is probably thinking about it a lot, or is about to start thinking about it a lot. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have her mind turn to your traumatic experiences every time she does. Furthermore, as @Pandora said, there are ways to make her aware of potential risk that don’t involve this step. Once it’s done, you can’t take it back.

The problem, of course, is that eventually you will tell her. And she’ll probably be angry that you’d never done so before (I was so that young adult; maybe your daughter wouldn’t be). So, a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. As if it wasn’t already hard.

My suggestion, finally, is to follow your instincts as well as possible. You know her well, we don’t. If she asks, don’t lie. And forgive yourself for whatever happens if it doesn’t go as well as you’d hoped. You’re trying to do the right thing.

If the conversation naturally goes that way, then yes, but without too much detail. Otherwise, I’d leave it for now. When she’s older and is likely to find herself in situations such as the one you were in, then I do think you can give her more info. Do be prepared for her to think ‘it will never happen to me!’ if you’re trying to dissuade her from some activity her friends are involved in.

My daughter wanted to go to what is called ‘Schoolies’ here. She really wanted to go to the Gold Coast which is where many young people go in the week after they graduate from school. I know the week attracts the worst people who want to prey on young people. There are incidences of drink spiking and the like. To try to explain why I was so stressed by the idea of her going to the Gold Coast, I told my then 16 year-old daughter about my experiences, and she really did not want to hear. She wanted to go to the Gold Coast and logic was not very evident. I remember phrases like “I’ll just wear my drink around my neck! I will be fine!” None of which made me feel any more comfortable with the idea. I was okay with her going away with her friend(s), I just wanted them to choose a less risky place. In the end she did agree to go elsewhere and they had a great time and I was able to sleep at night while they were away (well, sort of sleep!).

This is great advice. Thank you.

My mother sent one of my older sisters to have the talk with me when I was my daughter’s age. I didn’t have the best role model.

I don’t have kids, but I’ve been around them a lot. I helped foster my niece before my sister decided to adopt her – and my niece was sexually abused.

If you think she is mature for her age and you have a good relationship with her, I honestly think that it’s perfectly okay to tell her. If you can handle the questions that she might have and explain to her that you’re telling her to let her know that she can always come to you with absolutely anything, I think it could be a very strong bonding moment. In the end, the conversation could very well keep her safer someday.

I was never talked to by my parents about rape or sexual assault. I can’t recall a single adult in my life who ever actually talked about it in a way that a young girl or woman (or man) could find useful. It was obvious that people don’t rape people and that if they did, they should be punished. But the maze of what counts and what doesn’t count as rape, what you should do if you’re in a bad situation, what you should do after, etc., was never talked about. So, on my 17th birthday when I was given a date rape drug, I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t think anyone would believe me, anyway. I thought I would be blamed. I thought, in a way, maybe I was somehow partially responsible.

The only thing I can tell you is that, if/when I am a mother, I would never want my daughter to handle it the way I did. Now that I’m older, I’m appalled at my past thoughts – and I was always mature for my age, too. It takes an informed parent to teach a child about the aspects that aren’t quite so obvious. The younger they know, the better. As long as you think it won’t paralyze her with fear and will, in ways, empower her… I would do it.

http://www.your-krav-maga-expert.com/Rape-Blame.html

This is an excellent article about blame. It’s such a shame that this viewpoint wasn’t available to you in dealing with the trauma of your experiences.

I had a similar type of mother to yours so you know full well (as I did) that you don’t want to follow in her footsteps as a parent.

That being said, I disagree that you are “damned if you do; damned if you don’t.” If your instincts are telling you to act preventively to ensure that she doesn’t end up a victim, then that’s what you MUST do.

The order in which you choose to do it (verbal vs. training defense skills) and the specifics of “how” will also be guided by your instincts.

You know her better than anybody and I’ve read enough of what you’ve previously written about your kids and family to know that your parenting instincts and skills are excellent. So let your instinct be your guide here.

As a teacher I’ve encountered plenty of clueless parents so that’s not advice I’d give to everybody. But you do have excellent parenting instincts (unblunted by addiction issues like my mother and likely yours) so all you have to do is thoughtfully tune into that and give yourself permission to follow your “Mama Bear protecting her young at all costs nature” to do what is best for your daughter.

Inaction for fear of doing the wrong thing is not an option here. In all my years of dealing with children and parents “secrets” the TRUTH (at the appropriate age) is always the best policy because it will usually surface at some point in time anyway.

Can you imagine how she (and you) would feel if the truth of what happened to you did not come out until AFTER she has been raped in HS or college ? When it was too late to protect her from being victimized?

You have the power to arm her with the TRUTH to lessen the chance of it happening to her.

And if you can find a Krav Maga instructor anywhere within reasonable distance that could be tremendously helpful.

I’ve seen several demos of how this is taught to women and been very impressed for several reasons.

Firstly it doesn’t require the years of dedication that many of the Eastern styles like Judo or Karate do in order for one to be competent in their own defense.
If someone has the time and interest to pursue that I’ve got nothing against those other philosophies. But the reality is that many people don’t.

Krav Maga focuses on very practical things one can do to shift the balance of power and can be learned in a shorter period of time.

Secondly, there is someone heavily padded for the women to practice the techniques on so that it starts to become muscle memory as well as just head knowledge.

And the participants are actually enjoying it and it’s fun for them as well as the serious intent of protection from assault so it’s not a grim scenario which leaves them distrustful of males in general.

I haven’t checked them out yet but I’m sure there are vids up on YT which are hopefully similar to what I’ve seen.

There is nothing better for the psyche of a young girl than to know that she has the skills to defend herself from attack. And it’s not just rape. Women get robbed and assaulted all the time and there is so much domestic violence in our country that it’s practically of epidemic proportions.

When all is said and done you don’t ONLY want to protect her from rape but from a victim mentality and a weak dependent stance in life (which our culture still encourages for women.)

Assertive women still get called bitchy whereas men are praised for the exact same.

But a confident young lady doesn’t care who calls her what because she knows that when the chips are down she can handle herself.

Interestingly enough, it’s that inner confidence which comes across subtly in body language which makes it far less likely that any guy will perceive her as a target. Someone who will tolerate his domineering shit because she’s uncertain of what to do.

It doesn’t eliminate it 100% but it goes a long way as insurance against rape or assault of any kind (even verbal)

Anyhow, even if there’s no Krav Maga instructors nearby, hopefully there will be something perhaps similar for women’s self defense in your area.

If, as you say, she’s intelligent & mature enough to withstand such a revelation & if you feel the timing is right for both of you, then yeah, go with your gut.

At her age I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t judge you if you did. I wouldn’t want her to worry her mom went through that sort of painful experience.

I do think it’s important to communicate that she can come to you if she is harmed by someone. That she would never be in trouble and that she should know no one can hurt you or her dad. Some rapists threaten to hurt the family if the victim tells. Young children need to know that’s never true.

Also, that she can always call you if her friends are doing something she doesn’t like. Kids are playing ten minutes in the closet, and she wants to leave. She can just say she has a bad stomach ache, and you will come pick her up. That you will always come get her and she will not be in trouble for being in the situation in the first place. True for sex situation, drinking, friends doing something dangerous or illegal.

If you posses knowledge today that you wish you knew when you were her age that would have helped you avoid one or both of the rapes you experienced, then by all means share that with her. I also feel you can indirectly share your experiences with her indirectly by communicating how people you may trust can take advantage of that trust. Then stress the importance of not putting yourself in places and situations where you are alone and vulnerable. If I had a daughter her age she would be well schooled on self defense especially close quarter defense techniques. Also she needs to know that not all rapes/sexual assaults are preventable and that if there is ever that time she is in a terrible situation that surviving that moment is paramount. And lastly I would make sure she understands that if ever she is raped that it is not her fault and the importance that at she should tell you or at least someone else what happened.

I told my 13 year old son after he was raped. I wish I had talked to him before. We talked about sex and consent and stuff… but not specifically about my rape. When I told him, it was as if all the things about me that didn’t make sense to him made sense. It helped our relationship (which was already very strong) so much.

I only hinted at it. I didn’t tell him who or when. He pieced it together (immediately) that it was his biological father.

I vote yes. You can find a developmentally-appropriate way to discuss. Leave the depth of the conversation up to her.

You can ease into the conversations with something like, “Being a pre-teen/teenager is really hard. I had some difficult life experiences when I was that age and I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to about them. If you ever want to know what I went through, I will tell you more about it. But for now, please know that it is very important to me that you are safe and that you feel like you can talk to me about anything.”

With my son (because, boy), I told him that he would reach an age where he didn’t want to talk to me about everything and that I needed us to find someone who he felt comfortable talking to. He ended up with a therapist who he considers a good friend.

My mother was raped by my brother’s father, who she eventually married because of good ol’ Catholic guilt. She told me previously unknown details about them this summer, but she won’t tell my brother because she doesn’t want to burden him (he is in his 40s). What she doesn’t understand is that it is a burden to have a deeply wounded mother who doesn’t discuss her wounds. We would happily share in her pain, and understand and respect her more because of it, if she would share it. (I’m not claiming that you are deeply wounded, @dammitjanetfromvegas, just sharing my full experience here.)

One comment about self defense. I’m all for self defense classes, but one thing to remember is a lot of child and teen rapes happen in an insidious way. There are points all along where the person can just leave. The aggressor might not “force” rape under the threat of violence or with a weapon, but rather coerce or seduce the young person, taking advantage of their innocence and ignorance. Often these are done by someone the family knows. The victim might worry about the aggressor getting into trouble. These types of rape are more likely to leave a young victim questioning if they did something to provoke it, or worry they didn’t do enough to stop it, and that their parents will be angry or punishing.

These are tough issues. When I was first dealing thoroughly with the results of the childhood sexual abuse i had suffered, my therapist said I should share it with my young teen kids. I didn’t feel it was the right time and I still don’t think it would have been right. I did share it with one son when he was in his early 20s and the other when he was in his early 30s for a variety of reasons. It placed a burden on the one who was in his 20s and there were repercussions later to our relationship.

Your case is somewhat different because you want to protect your daughter; I wasn’t worried about my sons suffering at the hands of my abuser. On the other hand, you don’t want her to be scared of sex, do you? Do you feel that she is interested in sex already?

I think my inclination would be to create an atmosphere in which she can raise issues about sex and to talk at this point in general about staying safe, saying no, and protecting herself. You can get a feel in such conversations for how much detail she is ready for and let that be your guide. I would tell her about the rapes at some point as the conversations naturally lead to it. But you have to do what’s right for you.

I was generally the one who talked about sex with my sons and when they went away to camp I talked to them about no meaning no and never to push.

You are such a great mother, I’m sure you will find the right way for you and your daughter. The main thing is creating an atmosphere where conversations can be had.

This hasn’t happened to me but I would be wary of telling my 14 year old about it if it had. I would prefer to make sure that she understands about risky behaviour and bad choices, what to look out for, what to do if she finds herself in a bad situation. If she asked me then I would tell her but I wouldn’t even hint at it. The reason being is that it is an unusual event and to fill her with fear that she can’t then enjoy her life is something that I would like to avoid. She is a sensitive girl so I know she would take my experience to heart. You and your daughter are two different people so what is right for you could very well be different than for me.

What does her dad think?

14 maybe, although I would still feel that’s a little young. The OP’s daughter is a pre-teen. To me that is very young. Young children are usually very protective of their moms. They absorb their mom’s pain.

In my opinion it’s too young. All the reasons given above for not doing it were good reasons, in my opinion.

I think that now is the right time, while having sex is still a little ways in the future and can be looked at somewhat objectively. I am too lazy to look up the statistics, but rape is not that uncommon. Telling of your experience shows that it is not just a theoretical possibility. Don’t go overboard in telling your story, but make it seem unpleasant enough so as to act as a precautionary tale.

Maybe it would help if more parents would tell their sons as well as their daughters about the wrongfulness of rape.

I think your daughter is too young for what you want to tell her. A better time would be when she becomes the age you were when it happened. The communication will then be better for both of you.

@dammitjanetfromvegas, I’ve been thinking about your question a lot and I wanted to add that I know my daughters are very different to the person I was when I was raped. I suspect, because of what I’ve seen of you and of your parenting style, that your daughter is quite different to how you were when it happened to you. I’m not saying don’t tell her. You know her better than anyone here, and you’re astute enough to gauge whether the moment is right. I know you’re close to your daughter, so I’m sure an opportunity will arise for you to have that conversation quite naturally.

However, I wanted to say that I think our daughters probably have much better self-esteem and confidence than we did back then. I know mine do. While you can tell her about your rape, perhaps better would be to open up conversations about self-esteem, and about her right to say no to anything that doesn’t feel right to her. Open up those dialogues. Your goal is to protect her. I think you do that by helping her understand that these things can and do happen to ordinary boys, girls and women. Knowledge is power. If your experience naturally fits into those discussions, fine, but if not, wait until you feel the timing is right. I do think you should tell her. When will depend on her maturity and the right moment presenting itself.

I have been away a few days. There are some lengthy, and, I’m sure very passionate good answers here. I will have to spend the time later to read think you should them all. I have a few minutes to see as many Qs and As as possible.
I think you should talk to her. I think you should share real life experience with her.
I don’t think you should go into much detail, unless you tell her it happened to someone you “know well”.
While your daughter has known you her whole life, she has not known you your whole life. Sometimes very small things about ourselves can shock our offspring. I can remember my own daughter being stunned simply to learn I had changed my favorite color before she was born. Her age was two digits, but I don’t remember exactly how old she was.
While she may well be able to process the information in general, we are something special and aside to our kids. I would want her to know the sort of dangers the world can hold for her, but let her keep Mumsie out of it for now at least.

I believe in total transparency in relationships, age appropriate of course. I’d agree that you are the best judge of that as well, but…I did share certain things with my daughter when she was an older teenager, between maybe 16 and 18 or so.
I too was a victim of sexual assault, the “funny uncle” ( no rape but lots of inappropriate touching/fondling ) and was also the victim of a date rape at age 16, decades before the term was coined. I was slipped some sort of valium or other sedative in a drink and while it was not a violent act it resulted in a non-consensual encounter that I barely was aware of and had no ability to stop and resulted in a pregnancy I chose to terminate.

Yes, I shared these experiences with my daughter and they were well received.
I always told her, as she got older, that there comes a time when children need to transition from seeing their parents as only mom & dad into a new realm of seeing and knowing them as people. I think we navigated that shift very well. Good luck in your decision.

Thanks everyone. This was just a thought I had because I’ve been thinking about my rape quite a bit lately. I thought it would help to hear what others had to say. I am in no hurry to disclose this information with my daughter, but I think I will at some point.

I am going to ask the mods to delete this question. It seems others have no problem disclosing very personal information of members once they die, and I don’t want my daughter to come across this if something were to happen to me and I didn’t have the chance to tell her. If you are confused, this is my reasoning- http://www.fluther.com/186881/if-you-were-to-pass-away-tomorrow-would-you-want-the/