Have you been in a relationship like this?

Yes I was a dumpee. I came out quite emotionally damaged but after two years started to recover. That was many years ago. I would love to think I became wiser about relationships but sadly, I seem to keep learning about and making new things, like wrong decisions.

Never been dumped, somehow I escaped that one.

Yes. I realized that I was fooling myself about the what the other person and the relationship were like. I don’t want to be in the actual relationship with the actual person, because the reality was they weren’t really committed to me or to the relationship the way I really want. Without her commitment, I don’t want the relationship either. So it suddenly went from “oh no!” drama, to just “oh… I see, ok.” Such a relief. Happened overnight, when I had a flash and it sunk in.

With variations, I’ve seen something like that with each relationship I was upset wasn’t working. It was always that I’d gotten attached to an idea of the relationship and/or person that wasn’t what was really there. Once I realized that, poof – ok, no problem. Can still want a good relationship with someone who really will be great, and now I know it’s not that person I was hoping it was, which is just a mistaken ID on my part, not a loss of something real that was actually what I wanted.

Very good insight, @Zaku. I remember telling one long-ago boyfriend, “You like me better when I’m not around to interfere with your idea of me.”

We probably won’t find perfection in a mate, though (and who wants to live with a perfect person anyway?—as if there were such a thing). So accepting imperfections, our own and those of others, is an important part of gaining a lasting relationship. We do well if we can find someone whose shortcomings don’t push our major buttons (and vice versa).

@imrainmaker, in the short term being ditched was pretty rough. It took me a while to get past it. But for the long run it was the best thing. At the time, I was more scared of being alone than I was actually committed to the relationship, which wasn’t built to last.

You meed to move on. It takes two to make a relationship. First, you probably have to see your ex’s flaws. Replace longing thoughts of her with memories of fights or bad things she did. Then, try to get yourself back out there meeting people (just for friendship at first) and things to do.