Can anyone offer advice on how to handle this elder care situation?

I’m sorry to be so general, You have probably thought of this, but maybe Social Services can give you some pertinent information?

How about assisted living or a nursing home? They have various levels of care available. If you have Medicaid, you are eligible. It’s just a matter of finding one with an available bed.

My first thought is to start calling nursing homes and care homes asking specifically about beds for Medicare/Medicaid patients. Call care homes first.

Call a local church and ask if they help with these types of placements. If they say no, ask whom they may suggest you call.

Call 211. I’m serious.

What city are you searching in? We might be able to help by searching through Google, etc.

And “elder care” needs a hyphen.

My biggest worry is that medicaid will refuse to pay based on the fact that other than her epilepsy and memory loss she’s physically healthy.

No one else will take her. Not even for an afternoon to get her out of my hair.

Honestly, after last night I cannot take it anymore.

@Seek: Nursing homes have places that care for people that have alzheimer’s and other memory disorders. You should go to different homes and talk to the social workers and ask them.

Pardon me, but I’m curious as to how her visiting the neighbors results in a violent mob at your door looking for info about somebody’s girlfriend.

It is a very, very long story. She’s a nosy busybody with no sense of boundaries on a quest to save the world, and they are low lives who love nothing more than to get into fights and call the cops on each other.

Because my MIL was “that nice old lady next door who helped calm my boyfriend down yesterday”, the big brother and his four armed friends thought they could come to my house looking for information.

Of course, because I kept the door locked until the police showed up and asked what I saw (“nothing, they have a lot of drama and I want nothing to do with it”), I’m a bad person and am going to hell because I don’t love my neighbors.

Okay…

These are all problems that I have never experienced until she moved in.

And this is the second time in a month the police have been here asking about them.

Could she need an emergency room visit for a medical issue? Once my FIL got a UTI, my MIL brought him to the hospital and said she couldn’t take care of him anymore. They admitted him and the social workers found a nursing home that would take him.

It sounds like she has issues and needs help, but is also able-bodied and wants to be helpful so might be useful to other people who also need someone to live with, but then how to find such people… I wonder what local groups you have that might assist with helping old people find helpful situations.

@Cupcake I was thinking about that as well. My grandmother took a very similar path to a nursing home. She went to the hospital for a bad migraine, and once she was there, the social workers there helped us find a nursing home nearby.

@Seek Does your MIL have a primary care physician? That person could be a great source of help and advice as well. There’s an excellent chance that medicaid will pay for it. She may be able-bodied, but her mental health issues mean that she can no longer take care of herself.

Caring for an elderly relative with a difficult personality is NOT EASY. I hope you find a solution that lets you have your life back.

First step: Check out nursing homes.

Second step: Find one you like and either wait for a bed, or if you are desperate, find one with a bed available now, whether or not you like it.

@Seek, you make no mention on where your husband – MIL’s son stands on his mom’s meddling behavior…can you shed a little light there on how he perceives this dilemma?

It drives him absolutely bonkers.

He and I are both of the opinion that neighbors are to be kept at a cool, amiable distance. We have lived here four years with no problems. Now it’s friggin’ Grand Central Station around here.

She did the same thing last time he lived with her, and disagreements in this matter were the reason she moved out last time. That time she was stealing money, books, DVDs, etc. and giving them to the neighbors, and inviting teenagers from around the neighborhood into the house to look at his guitars and record collection – while he wasn’t home.

More than anything, though, is the fact that she is mean to our son, calls him names, and is generally not at all what someone expects a grandmother to be.

It’s sad, because she was really his only hope for a grandparent. I’m an orphan for all intents and purposes, and Hubby’s father has stated that his step-grandkids need him more than our son does. Rat bastard.

</rant>

@Seek I feel you may have tried this already but tell her in no uncertain terms that she is to stop visiting the neighbors, is forbidden to inviting anyone over to your home without your/hubby’s permission and she must not ever be mean to your son EVER or you will kick her out of the house. Blood may be thicker than water except when it is boiling and you and your family do not need this kind of stress eating away at you all. Holy crap that sounds simply awful and hope you find a solution to this and soon!

We started the process of gradually moving our MIL out of her apartment by first driving her to the senior lunch at a nearby senior center. It cost about $3.00 per meal.

Then we visited about a dozen care facilities. Some were simply day care, which worked for us for several months. We then relied on the day care people to help us find an affordable full time independent living for her. She was willing to try it out, and it worked quite well.

I’m sorry, I have no experience with this kind of situation but want to support and encourage your need to look after yourself and your family first and foremost. I hope you find a more than satisfactory outcome to the problem that is your mother-in-law. It is very sad that both her and your son’s grandfather hold the attitude they do towards him. I hear of things like this but find it incredulous that some people feel that way towards their own grandchildren for godsake! I just don’t get it.

I would be done done done with that situation, with her calling your son names. My sympathy and my generosity would be over with asap and she’d be at the next nursing home that you could find. She has Medicaid, she’s set. Trust me, I work in the field. She’s all set to go. Put her in the car and tell her she’s going to stay at the home for a little while while you renovate the house or something, and adios, granny.

@Seek she has become more than you can handle. It is time to let others lend a hand (but you know this already, thus the question).

It took my son being arrested for the authorities to step in and lend a hand. He spent several weeks in the state psychiatric hospital in Austin (bet you didn’t know there were some people who are too much even for Texas). It was that or jail. He had to agree to it, check himself in so to speak, and because of this could leave whenever he felt like it but it gave him time to come to grips with himself and they did have professionals there to work with him. And with our input he stayed longer than he would have had we not been talking to him and suggesting he should on a daily (and sometimes multiple times daily) basis. We did not just desert him and leave him to his own devices.

I am not suggesting that your MIL is crazy or anything, just suggesting that sometimes it takes a trigger to get the help you need and I know there are folks out there that can help and places that are safer than your neighborhood that she can get into if you can find the right person in your community to point the way.

Reading some of your descriptions of her behaviors, @Seek, leads me to think there are some, if not actually mental health issues, then some definite personality disorder issues. Let me reiterate my first suggestion: call Social Services, they likely have devices in place to deal with exactly these scenarios.
Your son’s safety and well-being could be compromised by these behaviors.

Does anything here help?

Update:

I took her with me and Ian to the library the other day, which is right next door to the county-run “Senior Center”. I’ve driven past it every day for three years, but never gave it a thought.

Turns out it’s a walk in old-folks’ club, with free access to any able-bodied person over 50. They have staff on hand to organize activities, but not to do any personal-care stuff. They keep a file with emergency contact info and stuff like that, so I’m a phone-call away if she has a seizure.

She’s gone there every day this week, and is learning how to make crocheted mats out of plastic bags to donate to homeless shelters. They apparently give them out to people who sleep outdoors. And they’ve played bingo and pinochle and dominoes and such, and apparently even have a social dance coming up next month.

When we picked her up today (my son and I) a dozen grannies and grampas gave her a wonderful object lesson in how to coo and fuss over a grandchild. I loved seeing him soak up the praise – “What a good boy! How smart! How handsome! What beautiful hair! You dance like Fred Astaire!”

By the time she comes home in the late afternoon she’s sufficiently worn out enough to be content taking a short walk outside and then spend the rest of the evening in the house.

We’re moving to a bigger town in a month or two, and there is another facility that will actually be within walking distance of the new house, that’s even bigger and has more organized events.

I think this is going to be a good solution to cure her boredom and need for human contact, without shipping her off to a full-time nursing home – which would, if I’m honest, be equivalent to prison for someone like her, at least until she’s far enough gone that she’s meeting her room-mate every morning for the first time.

Fantastic turn of events @Seek Fingers crossed they continue in such a positive direction!

Btw you rock for putting up with and doing so much to make this happen.

Yay