How do I, as a straight parent, help my teen through a gender identity crisis?

With love and total acceptance of where they are at. Any qualms you have, keep to yourself. And do a lot of reading – there are excellent books and online resources out there.

PFLAG is a support organization for parents of gay and lesbian and transgender kids. You can look them up online as a place to start reading.

Called from school?
Your 16 year old is at boarding school?

I’m not being nosy. I think it will make a difference in how you’re able to help.
Did something prompt them to call at this time? Was there an incident? Relationship potential?

The timing of a kid coming out can form or inform your response.

The more comfortable you can make yourself with the situation, the more help you can be to your kid.

I’m a gay man who was emotionally abused by my parents and threatened with being thrown out onto the street.

1. Tell your child you love them no matter what.
2. Ask your child what you can do to help.
3. Tell your child you love them no matter what.
4. Contact PFLAG and start learning.
5. Tell your child you love them no matter what.
6. Contact your child’s school and state you are completely supportive of your child and you expect them to be supportive, too.
7. Tell your child you love them no matter what.
8. Ask your child if they want to talk to anybody about their questions. Tell them you support their getting help from a professional counselor of some type.
9. Tell your child you love them no matter what.
10. Take care of yourself. After you read some of the things on the PFLAG site, talk to your spouse about counseling for yourselves either separately or together, assuming you have a spouse.

And tell your child you love them no matter what just one more time.

I’m confused as to why you feel your orientation factors in at all.

Be there for your child while HE or SHE sorts it out. Show lots of love! Don’t criticize, or condemn anything he/she might say or may be feeling. You can’t “fix” it.

As a parent. As s parent you help your child and support their decisions.

Cripes! It’s the 21st century.

If your kid didn’t make a big deal about it, the worst thing you can do is make a big deal out of it.

“Is that causing you any problems?”
“Promise that you’ll let us know if it causes you any problems?”
“I love you, and I want you to be happy.”

Without details of the call, I don’t know how anyone can council more than that.

If it freaks you out – and I don’t imagine that it does – you might look for someone to talk to, personally.

Yes, as has been said, start by stressing that you love them. Then I’d let them guide your input from that point. What do they need from you (if anything)? Can you help in any way? Listen to them. Let them speak (if they want to), give them space (if they need it), but let them know you’re there for them and that you’ll do anything you can do to help them find their way through this journey. They might not want you to ‘do’ anything more than listen and to be there for them.

In the background I would read and speak to people who can give you appropriate, sensible advice. Learn as much as you can.

Listen to and love your child.

@ibstubro Your 16 year old is at boarding school? No, I just accidentally posted the Q without finishing up the “details” section. The fact that she called home in crisis was what concerned me.

@Hawaii_Jake That is a great list of things to do when helping a child to deal with any crisis. Thanks for the link. It’s going to help a lot.

@SecondHandStoke I’m confused as to why you feel your orientation factors in at all.
As parents, my wife and I have always drawn upon our own experiences to lovingly prepare each of our children for life as responsible, loving, caring adults.

@kritiper I have no desire to “fix” this; what is there to “fix”?

@Jak, @Earthbound_Misfit, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I do love my child.

Last evening, when we received the call, my wife was speaking with her for several minutes. She then indicated that I needed to text some support. I texted this:

I love you just the way you want to be, have to be or need to be! And I will always love you beyond this life. You are one of the most important things to ever happen to me in my life!

Being 16 all by itself is tumultuous. Nothing you can do for your child will be as important as the simple fact that you and your wife have her back and she knows you’re in her corner. It’s the sort of rock solid foundation from which she can stand up to the world. The 3 of you are fortunate.

Your child may or may not lose a friend or two. That is something you cannot prevent. The more positive, friendly, and open she is willing to be will make some difference, but people are what they are. Just as your daughter is who she is, there are some who are unable to accept easily, or even at all. That is who they are. At the high school age, kids change friends, and it has all sorts of reasons. Sometimes two friends have a crush on the same person. Sometimes it is popularity. Help her understand that if she does lose any friends that it is not unusual for teens, and it may be only temporary. Some of what she fears is specific to her situation, and some is every-teen stuff. She should understand that so she doesn’t see everything as being anchored to one aspect of her life.
Oh, and tell her we all love her.

Cherish your wonderful son, support him with no reservations, and love him unconditionally.

If, over time, he decides that he doesn’t identify as a man, please cherish your wonderful daughter, support her with no reservations, and love her unconditionally.

I’m curious why you’d qualify yourself as a “straight parent.” How does your own gender orientation affect this situation?

My “straightness” affects the situation to the extent that I have never experienced any doubt or fluidity concerning my own sexuality, so I can only begin to imagine what my child is going through.

@Yetanotheruser Thank you for your clarification, which helps us understand.

You may not have ever had any doubt about your own sexual/gender orientation, but what teenager isn’t confused about sexuality? That’s such a challenging time of life. I know that I’d never want to relive those years. Things became so much easier after I’d reached adulthood.

As for you relating to your child, we already know that you’re a caring and compassionate parent. That’s the first step, and it’s critical above all others.

@Yetanotheruser Thank you for the update. It helps. I wish you nothing but the best.

I do not know where you live. I can tell you that the teenagers here in Hawaii are very accepting of gender fluidity. My teenage children had a female-to-male friend. His high school switched his name and everything. No biggie.

If you live in Alabama, you will have a different experience.

I honestly would suggest you arrange counseling for your son. He may want to talk to a professional about the options. There are many. I know ftm men who choose no surgery. I know women who use male names as a choice. There’s gender queer. There’s all sorts of options for young people that did not exist even 10 or 20 years ago.

@Yetanotheruser Unknown. But some would try to “fix” it, and I couldn’t just assume you weren’t one of them.

I wouldn’t want to “fix” it, but I must admit I would want to make sure my kid’s environment wasn’t influencing their idea about themselves.

I absolutely would be supportive, listen as much as they are willing to talk, and try to calm the feelings of “crisis.” I truly believe some people are born with the “wrong” bodies. I’m not trying to say it’s a choice and people can be deprogrammed. What I am saying is to some extent we become our environment. Look at all the false memory. That’s a real thing. Spend enough time with a shrink who wants you to believe you were abused, and some people convince themselves of it.

So, I would want to hear how my child came to that conclusion. Or, if they wouldn’t talk to me then talk to a therapist. A therapist open to transgender situations, but not one who seems convinced everyone is transgender. I’d seek an adolescent psychologist.

The whole time I would reassure my child that they are loved and special, and any other typical thing you say to them to let them know they are yours.