Why does my boyfriend say that a friendship between a man and a woman can't exist?

Your boyfriend doesn’t really speak for all males.

He is projecting his own fears or failings into what he believes to be a universal truth that, fortunately, isn’t.

It sounds like he’s jealous and doesn’t want you hanging out with other guys even if they’re only friends.

He’s wrong.

When a guy believes this, it usually means that he has never learned to think of women as people instead of as mere sex objects and believes that all other men think the same way. And since your boyfriend thinks the problem goes both ways, he probably thinks of women as inherently untrustworthy as well. So he doesn’t trust you, and he doesn’t trust himself. Given the fact that trust is the foundation for any good relationship, this sort of belief doesn’t bode well.

In any case, he’s clearly mistaken. Plenty of opposite sex friendships exist without any sexual tension whatsoever. Sure, there are guys who hang around women just because they want to have sex with them, and there are women who do the same thing. But just because some people do it doesn’t mean they all do it.

He saw the movie When Harry Met Sally, 1989 .
When I saw that I immediately wondered why anyone (male or female) would be friends with Harry.

What is he—12 years old?

Because your boyfriend wants to have sex with all women he bothers to pay attention too. He’s projecting.

Is your boyfriend controlling in other ways? One sign of an abuser is that they try to isolate you from your friends and family. It’s usually a very slow, quiet and manipulative process.

I hope that is not the case for you.

Either way, you might want to delve into this belief with him. His beliefs do not mesh well with mine and I would be looking for other indicators that we were not a good match.

I have several female friends, and while I am a Christian, I think they would be my friends if we were not.
by the way, I hope your boyfriend isn’t overly worried about getting you pregnant, since your question seems to have skipped a few periods.

I agree, projecting.

By his logic, a bisexual person could never have any friends at all.

I can assure you that is not the case.

I don’t mean to mix things that aren’t related, so if that’s the case then please never mind… But is he the same guy who told you he was “just friends” with another woman?

Yep, @SavoirFaire and @Pachy nailed it. Sure, we are ALL only human and there may be a little sexual attraction or energy that shows up now and then,but this is certainly not always the case. I have had strictly platonic male friends over the years and we simply enjpyed each others personalities and common interests.
Mature people have enough self control to place a value on the actual friendship and know that an orgasm is fleeting but a good friendship can be forever.

This is the same kind of mindset that leads people to blame a woman for being raped because of the way she was dressed.
If you have that little self-control then maybe it is best for a guy to stay out of situations he can’t handle. like being around women

I just was wondering, if men and women can’t be friends, that just voided out a lot of marriages, SO’s, partners, etc. – because if you aren’t friends…why be together?
Please tell me he hasn’t given you the: ‘I have been hurt in the past’ hooey.
Most have, get over it. Better awaits.
You having second thoughts about this person?
Read all above again- they’ve got the idea.

I’m a guy and I would have trouble just being friends with a woman my age if she’s single and if I were single. If I’m attracted to her and we make each other laugh and we trust each other enough to be true friends then sorry, but I’m in love. That’s how we humans reproduce.

Sex is how people reproduce.

The red flag here is “devoted Christian”.
So are we to assume that your boyfriend is a ‘devoted Christian’ and therefore superior to all other mortal men? That he and the other members of his cadre are the only men that you are safe being friends with.
He, on the other hand, being a ‘devout Christian’ can flirt with bimbets because it’s just understood that he would never act on carnal feelings.

It you find your boyfriend’s attitude flattering it titillating (and there are women who do, so it’s nothing to be ashamed of) play along. If your boyfriend’s misogynist attitude bother you, you should probably suggest ’dating around’ to him.

@somewomenarenicemaybe
Friendship is friendship. What, if a person meets someone and there isn’t that ‘sparkle’, you can’t be friends? How do you carry on in the outside world? You don’t have a buddy who happens to be female? Even where you spend your days- work, school, wherever?
Is every woman a potential partner for sex? Oh, how sad.
I don’t understand. I want to see what I am missing in your approach. No attack- just curious, I guess.
I mean, friendship can change. Attraction is attraction. Pretty powerful stuff, thank goodness!
But not every acquaintance, and not that often. Not just with one goal in mind. Friends can be lovers- but it will never go back to the same relationship it was. Good or bad.
But please explain, if you would, opposite sex is only for love= sexual partner? Why?
You are missing out on some of the best friendships in life- with women. No sex.
It offers one a whole different approach on some life-hurdles.
It would be so- what word, what word…dull without friends of opposite sex? Maybe more boring? Colorless? Disappointing? Stark? How lonely.
Friends are friends- right?
I love the approach to life from a different perspective.
Viva la difference! Mais, oui!

msh- I’ve been friends with older women at work before, but for the most part I don’t pursue friendships with women I find attractive, which is most women my age. I’m married, I try not to mess with it being how so many get divorced these days. It may sound sad to you, but it’s how I live and I don’t miss friendships with women my age because I know that it would be hard for me. I love women, I think about them constantly, but marriage and being a good father is my focus right now so I do what I gotta do to function.

I think that’s a great perspective on this question, @somewomenarenicemaybe.

I think it might be a difference in defining what “friendship” means to each person.
If we define friendship as ‘spending one-on-one time with someone outside the conventions of work and group gatherings’, a lot more people might agree with your perspective.
If that means you don’t have the home number of any female co-workers around your own age, more power to you.

I think many of us were defining “friendship” much more broadly, as in “work friendships”? A totally different beast.

Probably because he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.

@somewomenarenicemaybe
Oh, no! I don’t mean “That’s just sad!!” (flipping hair back) :/ no.
I understand. You really aren’t in a place. And meanings can be misconstrued.
And difficult. I’m sorry it’s an either/or.
I just meant in a group of people who go and solve the problems of the world over beverages… like Kool-aid, after work, or watching a game.
Home is what counts.
I apologize if I offended. Not my intent.

He is revealing his weakness and lack of self control by saying that he believes a man and a woman can’t just be friends simply because he knows he would not be able to resist not wanting more from a woman’s friendship. This also exposes that he has serious trust issues and don’t lose sight of this if and when you decide to really get serious with him.

msh – No offense taken. Thanks. : )

He’s obviously telling you what is really going on with the woman he is “friends” with in your last question.

Your boyfriend is immature.

It’s been my experience that honest male-female friendships are a rare thing. Sure they happen but it’s not very common even with mature, secure well adjusted adults. We just think they are more common than they are. There usually is some tension because either the guy or the girl is interested in more. Sometimes it is subtle and backgrounded but there. It’s almost always unspoken or beyond the threshold of being detectable so you don’t always know or can tell. I think I may have had a total of like five female friends who were actually friends and I don’t know for sure if they were interested in me or not. I just know I liked their company, shared some good experiences with them but was not interested romantically. Important distinction: we are not talking about acquaintances, professional relationships, etc… we are talking about close friends. To be fair, same sex friendships are less common than we think as well. I also have some sharp lines about who I consider a friend, they need to give and take equally. If your friends never help you with anything yet expect your help all the time they are not friends. If you have ever asked friends to help you move you have probably realized you don’t have as many as you thought you had. Sad but true, if you don’t think this affects you then I’d like you to introduce you to a real friend called reality. Male-female friendships are no different but there are even more barriers.

@cecilia09 Being Christian, married or otherwise “taken” really has no bearing on this at all, the attraction is still going to be there or not. We don’t get to control it but oh how we love to think that we do. I disagree that they “are not possible” but in the wild you just don’t see it that much.

@DancingMind Lol indeed he is the same guy,how ironic the way he thinks in regards to this.‘the female friend’’ question that i asked is something that happened over a year but i could not get it out of my mind so i decided to ask for support and advice,its always good to ask other people and see there point of views, so what are you thinking now that i asked this question?,it does seem weird.

Contrary to your boyfriend’s belief that men and women cannot be simply friends, I have been very close friends with a man for 11 years. Neither of us are interested in anything more, it allows a lot of freedom in the “relationship” actually, there are no expectations. Previously we had been lovers for 5½ years, and there was a gap afterwards as we both adjusted to a new situation but truly, platonic friendship is a much better arrangement for us, both. It’s not going to change, been there, done that.

@cecilia09—Aha okay! Let’s see. . . . In a more optimistic interpretation: perhaps he has internalized the social stereotype that “guys are only friends with girls they want to be with,” but finds that it’s not true for him specifically . . . I’m assuming he considers himself a devout Christian, so perhaps that is how he explains the difference? That while it is true for “most” guys, his devotion allows him to overcome the fact? OR—where my mind first goes and then returns—that when he describes “the way all guys are” he’s describing his own experience, like @chyna (and others) have said. If someone says “this is the way the world is,” it usually means they are like that, too.

. . . That said, I’d like to think that we live in a world where we can recognize value in people beyond the desire of getting into their pants. I don’t want the mere fact of “I’m attracted to this sex” to be synonymous with “attraction is the only reason I’d emotionally invest in someone of that sex.” . . . Actually, I’m understating my answer— can’t imagine that sort of world being the world, even with people on this thread telling me it’s true.

Hm, maybe that’s not quite what people are saying . . . maybe they’re saying that a part of them will always want deeper intimacy with people they are attracted to than with people they are not? But that still doesn’t explain why, without that attraction, a “guy” couldn’t still want to be friends with a “girl.” Surely this “guy” has other friends he isn’t attracted to. Is the “girl” not a worthy friend for her mind, or her kindness, or her humor, or her loyalty, etc.? Aren’t there plenty of friendships that are described in terms of sibling-like affection—the deep, platonic bond of sisters or brothers?

If the next thing that happens is him pressuring you to drop your male friends, you should re-read @Cupcake‘s answer and high-tail it out of there.

I’m sure that 99% of the people in the world will tell you they have had friends of the opposite sex that are just friends, nothing more, nothing less.

What kind of friend ? like say hi and keep going friend of spending a lot of time with said friend, telling this friend things that are very personal on a day to day best friends in the whole wide world kind of way? say hi and keep going friend sure why not #2 friend he wants to dig your guts out and every guy who is a real red blooded man with a high sperm count will know this .The guys with manginas will want to fuck said friend butt be to much of a pussy to act on it .This is on the real fo sho

@DancingMind i just wish i could see him thru a little hole and see exactly what he does.just to see if his words match his actions,or even better a private investigator,even tho is not worth my money.but just an act of mere curiosity!

Why does my boyfriend say that a friendship between a man and a woman can’t exist?
Because he can’t.
I had a friend whom stated that too.
By the way we were intimate for 1/½ years and he still tells everyone that “we are JUST Friends”!
I realized his statement when he stated same about being “Just Friends” with his woman friends too.
I have broken off this relationship. He is skirting the actual truth by actually lying about it.
His definition of just WHAT friendship means is in doubt.
He is manipulating woman with this statement and probably not “safe” to be with sexually?