What do you think about my situation with these two girls?

Prepare for a ramble.

I’m half-just needing to let this out and half-seeing what other people’s responses are to this.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now. Coming up on 4 later this year.

I love her. It’s fantastic being with her. She’s the best I’ve had.

Meanwhile, before I met my girlfriend, I knew this other girl. For the sake of clarity, let’s call my girlfriend “E” and this other girl “M.”

When I entered college I was hung over a previous X. I met M but didn’t pay much attention to her, although I did think she was pretty and awesome, but I was emotionally dead after my X.

When I started going out with E, she became acquaintances with M, and then I actually became friends with M and then also developed a crush on her.

I felt really weird about this. I loved E but also had a strong thing for M. I’d go out of my way to do things for M, and I’d be in strong denial about it.

College has been long over. I started to have dreams about M. They were really bothering me. I’d dream about us going out together all the time. I admit everything to E about M. E suggested I just tell M straight up and put my subconscious at ease. So I told M how I felt and explained pretty much what I’m telling you guys. M said she suspected all along, and that if she had known this around when I met her she would have been happy to hear that, but then she respected my relationship with E and didn’t want to do anything stupid.

We’re still friends after that. I felt okay for a while, like a huge burden has lifted from my chest, and believe it or not I stopped having those emotional dreams.

But I still can’t stop feeling giddy and nervous. I keep asking myself, “So how much did M like me back then?” And E got worried a bit like “I’m worried that you keep on asking these things because they mean something to you.”

I’m so conflicted. In short. I don’t know how I feel.

Let’s talk hypotheticals. Let’s say that I actually do break up with E. What then? What if M ends up being nowhere as giving as E? What if most of my feelings for M is just a reflection of what I hope she’s really like intimately? What if M doesn’t get along with my freaky side? E is so loving and giving and intimate that it’d be a sin to break up with her. And I DO reciprocate her actions. It’s not at all like I’m not interested in her anymore. I love to do things for her too. I enjoy her company.

But meanwhile, there are parts of M I know would be better. We’re both oriented around BOTH science and arts, and I feel like I can talk to her about my job more. E is strictly arts, and although she enjoys science I sometimes just don’t tell her stuff because it’s just not the same. It’s not a part we can bond over. I enjoy M’s family much more than E’s. The problem with E’s family is that they have THE SAME ISSUES AS MINE EXCEPT WORSE. I don’t want to have anything to do with E’s family – they’re loud and obnoxious and stupid (and don’t worry – E knows this from me and we talked about it). And in a sense, I feel like that stagnates me. With M’s family I can see myself getting to know them and talking to them and in a sense it’d be therapeutic when dealing with my own family. M’s interests and quirks are so similar to mine, and I often think about enjoying them with her.

It kills me because this feels like either choice is even. It could either end up being the best decision to stay with E, or the best decision to go with M. It could also be the worst decision to stay with E, or the worst decision to go with M. I seriously can’t feel like one outweighs the other.

I know that if I had a chance to redo things, I’d get over my X right away and try something with M. I can’t say though if it would have been as good as with E. I don’t want to fantasize too much.

The scary questions though that I’m too afraid to answer are “What if M told me she wants me after I admitted my feelings to her? What if she elaborated far more than she did about how she felt about me? What would that mean for E and I?”