Should I keep my good news to myself?

Being able to find “the one” is a priviledge, not a right. Some people aren’t as lucky as you have been, including your close friends.

From the other person’s perspective, it can be hurtful and diminish their self-worth.

You don’t need to keep good news to yourself, you just need to be mindful about who you are sharing it with and how it will effect them, especially a close friend.

I empathize with you. I’ve just been re-evaluating how much I share about my love-life with friends. I feel I over-involve them in the drama (or lack there of) and also that I may be judged by some of them for my decisions.

It sounds like your friend’s lackluster response has made you feel the need to justify your decisions. It certainly sounds like they are great decisions and that you are very happy about them. And I can understand wanting to share the news with friends. Just be aware that you may not get the response you are looking for. Perhaps if you have some married friends they would be more receptive.

(Just as an aside, if you are sure and it sounds like you are, why wait so long for the engagement or the wedding? It sometimes can take longer than you expect to get pregnant so factor in some time for that perhaps. And an official engagement may be easier to announce.)

Hi @janbb

Thanks! I think that part of it is that I’m among the first in our close circle of friends to consider taking this step in their lives. Sometimes it’s hard to be an “early adopter” of anything—particularly something like that marriage. Even my other friend who’s been with her high school sweetheart finance for nine years caught flack from some for her engagement! Friends can be very disappointing, particularly when jealousy and insecurity get involved.

Luckily, in our case, there hasn’t been much relationship drama to report on to make my friends doubt whether it’s a good match. All of our fights are stupid and even hilarious in retrospect so if my friends ever tried the “Is he good for you?” card, they’d really have to dig deep or straight make sh*t up.

Even though I gave a litany of justifications in my OP, I didn’t feel the need to justify my choice to my friend, who knows me well and should know better. I’m 27 years old, he’s 34. I know it’s not unreasonable for people our age, who’ve been living together (happily) for over a year to start consider the next steps. This is why I was a little surprised at her reaction, even though in retrospect, I really shouldn’t be.

Also to answer your last question, my reasons for wanting to postpone a bit are kind of selfish. I’d like to have more time with just my partner and I before introducing the responsibility of a child. I agree with my friend that travel should be a priority and that’s something I’d like to share with him before being saddled with an infant.

The only thing I told my friend is that none of this stuff is going to happen overnight.

@LeavesNoTrace Just to be clear about one thing, I didn’t mean you should start trying for a baby right away. Totally understand about wanting time together to travel. We were married for 5 years before we started trying – although I was younger when I got married. But then it took me over a year to get pregnant.

I was talking about upping the date for the official engagement and the wedding planning too.

It follows along my 2 most important rules in life: 1. “Honesty is always the best policy,” and 2. “Some things are better left unsaid.” Here’s another good one: “To thine own self be true.”

@janbb

I hear you. Unlike some of my friends, I have no delusions about the fact that my fertility is already probably diminishing in my late 20s. (biology sucks btw) Which is one of the reasons I feel privileged to have met a wonderful man while I’m still kind of young. That said, I know I’m not getting younger and am eager to start a family in my early 30s when I have a higher chance of a healthy pregnancy and baby.

Sadly, I’m afraid to say this to my friend because it may bring up her OWN insecurities about her relationship status/future. It kind of feels like a no-win situation and I just want to bask in the glow of my happiness a little. I know it sounds stupid and narcissistic, but for once I wish that my friends could just be happy for each other without getting all bitter and weird or projecting their own issues. It literally feels like someone is raining on my parade.

I think it is more than reasonable to want to share good news with close friends. Why have friends otherwise? Just realize that they have their own issues and may not always respond as you would like. I would tell the news and but hold off on the details until you sense their response. And maybe not say much about baby plans yet.

The type of news you shared should be cause for rejoicing from anyone who cares about you. These decisions are not reckless, ill-considered, or rushed. I am sorry that your friend has had bad experiences, but as an adult she should understand that everybody’s life experience is different.
Before I had children, I had some issues with infertility. When my friends got pregnant I was genuinely thrilled for them, while being crushed by my own barrenness. I would never have tried to diminish their joy with my own issues because I am an adult with adult friendships.

Don’t keep this secret, be glad! If your friend keeps being negative, call her on it. Unless you’re gloating (which I doubt!) she is way out of line.

And mostly, all the best wishes moving forward with your wonderful life plans!

Thanks. I kind of feel sorry for her if she thinks I’m “throwing away my youth” to get married at 29. Then again, she thinks that random threesomes are a good place to find prospects so maybe I shouldn’t take it too much to heart…

I haven’t read the thread before answering. Sorry.

It is completely normal to want to share good news. Share! It is completely reasonable to want others to be happy for you. It reveals only information about the hearer when they are sad at your good news. That revelation is sad, too.

I’m very happy for you! And I have no clue who you are.

Be happy! Be joyful! Revel in it!

Now, honestly, @LeavesNoTrace, didn’t you sort of anticipate this friend’s reaction/response?

There may be yin/yang aspects of your friendship that you appreciate more in some circumstances than others. Take her response for what it’s worth – a cautionary tale and an example of what’s not working for her. Obviously.

I suggest you proceed blithely on about your relationship.
:-)

A true “friend” would not spew their sour grapes onto you and your happy situation. First congratulations!
My daughter is 28 and in a very happy relationship and also building her career. True friends will not rain on your parade and it might be time for a little heart to heart with those friends that are anything less than joyful for you and who says you still can’t travel with a child?

I took my daughter everywhere when she was a baby/child and kids do not have to be the “anchor” many make them out to be. Hell, I took my daughter wine tasting at 6 weeks old, ( designated driver of course and not some over the top party scene obviously. ) I have also let go of a long time friend about 6 years ago that was envious about some good fortune I was experiencing at the time. Those that cannot be genuinely happy for your happiness are frenemies not friends.

I wish you all the best and this very well may be one of those “tests” of true friendship. NEVER shine less brightly because someone else resents your sparkle!

I’m with those who applaud your good fortune without reservation – as I applaud the good fortune of all good people and I presume most people to be good until proven otherwise.

But I suppose like all good things, there are ways of sharing… and there are better ways. If you know of a friend or acquaintance who has not had similar good fortune, indeed, has had exactly opposite mis-fortune, then it’s in better taste to tone down your announcement. That is, tailor the news for the people you tell, especially if they’re “just friends” and not actually family. I’m sorry that you can’t share the news with your Mom. I know the feeling, believe me.

For the purposes of expressing unreserved and unqualified joy (and pretty much expecting more or less unreserved good wishes in return), you should feel free to consider us family. I’m happy in my role of being the sort-of-bachelor uncle who will be happy to meet and greet the other family members you just can’t think of what to do with.

And I wish you every happiness. But… I’m sorry again, I just can’t help myself here… it’s not really “an engagement” yet, is it? It’s great to be level-headed and rational about these things, but “talking about marriage plans” isn’t exactly the same as “We’re going to be married!” Still happy for you.

@LeavesNoTrace When we got married, my wife was about 50 days short of her 29th birthday, and I was just about a month short of my 40th. Like you and your SO, we each had some worldly experience, and decided this was the path we wanted to take. We are an interracial couple, and that factor brought its own series of tests of our relationship, especially reactions by friends and family,

I also wish you the best, and always remember that you are marrying your best friend. Let that be the compass by which you show each the mutual love and respect that makes for a lasting relationship.

By the way, this fall we will celebrate 28 years of marriage!

I haven’t read other responses.

I think your friend is an idiot. If she sees something very wrong with your boyfriend and thinks you should be breaking it off with him that’s one thing, but if there are no read flags, I think it’s the most normal, and wonderful, thing in the world to start making plans for marriage and babies. If you want to have children with this man then don’t wait too long. 35 is the bewitching year when egg supplies begin to plummet. Putting your career too far ahead of children can mean a much more difficult road to having your own biological children. Not that you should have kids before you deem you are ready, but you have to be realistic about biological realities.

It’s sweet. You both are cuddling and have some pillow talk about your future and being committed to each other. That all sounds good to me. Do you want to travel more? Is he against travel? That I could see as a potential problem, but you didn’t say he doesn’t like to travel, so for now I consider that a nonissue.

Your friend is projecting.

Pick a date soon. Don’t wait too long to have the date to look forward to and start planning.

Not all engagements make it to the alter and since yours is already a ways away I would save the announcement till it is official. If you start telling anyone now they will be excited for you but IMO not as excited as it would be hearing this for the first time when you are actually engaged.

@Cruiser From my observations, most engagements don’t come out of a single instance of being down on one knee with a ring in hand.

While we’re not officially “engaged” yet in an announce-it-to-the-world sense, we have stated our intentions. I’m excited about this and wanted to share it privately with a close friend I’ve known since I was a child.

@JLeslie Thank you. It feels like the most natural thing in the world to us too. We have a wonderful life together and really do consider each other to be our “better half”. We’ve taken 2 domestic trips and 1 international since we’ve met and look forward to more in our lifetimes, so the mutual desire to have those experiences is there. Our next trip is hopefully going to be spending Christmas 2016 in Cambodia! But we’ll see how that goes…

Also, the funny thing is that for once, this friend actually likes my partner. She includes him in social activities and comes to ones thrown by us mutually, looks after our cat for us. So it’s not an issue of not liking him. I hate to say it but yes, I do think she’s projecting.

The good news here is that you likely have a bunch of other friends who will be thrilled for you! I don’t even interact with you that much on Fluther, and I am all squee-y about this! Major life changes like this are sooo cool! Getting married, having and raising kids, leveling up in Life’s Game for sure! :-D

If you were in Ohio or Kansas your peers would be wondering what’s taking you so long. You happen to live in or near a city that many people marry later or not at all.

“I was just excited because this man makes me happy”
Is all that you had to address your friends negativity.
Anothers views on your plans has little to do with your happiness and too let that bother you is causing doubts.
When all doubt is gone then go ahead with your plan to marry, regardless of what others say.

@JLeslie I think she forgets how old we really are. I don’t think that 27 is too young to begin discussing marriage with a committed partner you love.

By the time it happens, I’ll be closer to 29–30 and kids wouldn’t come into the picture until my early 30s. Pretty reasonable I think.

Congratulations! I’m really happy for you both.

As to your friend, it sounds as though she’s projecting her fears and experiences onto you. You’re not too young to be getting engaged and married, and why can’t you continue to focus on your business and to travel? I travel with my husband all the time. We love travelling.

While her reaction is disappointing, try to give her some leeway. Perhaps she was surprised and reacted badly because she didn’t think about what she was saying. She may be feeling sad that it’s not her. Don’t let her reaction mar your happiness.

@LeavesNoTrace: If it is reassuring to you, I got pregnant at age 40, and had my daughter at age 41, no medical intervention for the pregnancy and everything was just fine. Wonderful pregnancy and she is great.

I asked the doctor and I mentioned all the horror stories you hear about older women not being able to get pregnant. He told me that the problem ones are what make a story. All the ones that don’t have a problem, there’s no story. In other words, the vast majority of people don’t have a problem and there’s no story told about them, because there’s no story to tell.

Thanks @jca That does make me feel a little better. My grandmother (who is now a healthy 97) waited until she was 39 to get married, had my mother at 40 and then my aunts (identical twins) at 42.

All were healthy, but hilariously enough, both times she thought the pregnancies were menopause. Whoopsie! ;)

But for me, I have no idea what my fertility is like so I’d rather err on the side of caution. I really only want one child (in NYC it will be very expensive to even have one), so I’d like to do it while I’m young-ish. Also, my partner is 8 years my senior so he would be a father in his early 40s. I’d like us to be in our child’s life as long as possible and for them to be able to know at least some of their grandparents.

The more I think about it, the fact that my friend thinks I’m “too young” is really, really silly.

Not sure why your friend was so negative, but I would either look to more positive friends or just keep this between you and your love for awhile. Once you are actually engaged is another story. And of course, you must realize that some people will always look at marriage and family as a step backward for women. I personally think this is too bad, but you have to do what you like, and not what your friends might like. It is your life, after all.