When I was very young I wanted to be a successful academic or scientist like Isaac Newton.
When I realized the challenge I settled for wanting to be an astronomer and study all things space. And also inventing a machine that converts carbon in the atmosphere back into oxygen like plants but better.
When I grew further I wanted to a computer hacker and also hack my own brain with self hypnosis to unlock powers.
When I learned programming out of wanting to be a hacker I then wanted to be a software developer and make lots of money to prove to my family I was smart and also take care of them.
When that wasn’t looking too promising I wanted to be an IT tech to take the burden off of my family and to not have to do a job I don’t like.
When that wasn’t looking too promising I wanted to become enlightened as a last ditch effort to find power and intelligence to solve my problems and fix what I had broken with family.
When that wasn’t working out I wanted to kill myself to stop the endless spiral and not burden my family anymore.
When I couldn’t find the nerve I went back to spiritual seeking to escape reality itself by realizing that its all just a dream.
When I realized that was cop out I just gave up. Became a real alcoholic. Got kicked out on the street. And decided its all Gods will, it is what it is. The world will always have suffering, pain, death, loss etc.
When life put me in a corner of total isolation and lack and no way out, I finally got acquainted with “truth” and myself.
Now I just continue watching life constantly fall apart and yet go on without too much struggle like before. I have no more desire in life. I fantasize about being able to make rent so I can live alone and do nothing basically or enjoy very very simple things. Like this. Even this is a great indulgence. I just want to explore my own consciousness and leave the world alone and have it leave me alone. But I know that’s impossible. Because this whole thing is being authored by a certain mysterious force and it makes sure to challenge you.
In short I don’t want anything from life anymore. I just want to sit back and observe until I can’t anymore.