Have you ever been in a situation where you know there is constant miscommunication?

Yes, Yes YES!
Try communicating with Japanese. They do not like to say “No.” It is considered rude. Here are two ridiculous examples that shows the point: Imagine you point to growing grass and say “Is this red?” The Japanese will respond: “It is a little different.” (Chotto chigaimasu.)
Imagine you ask a Japanese “Will you give me $1000?” He will politely respond: “Mmmm. It is a little difficult.” (Ano, chotto muzukashii.)
Americans walk away from those conversations thinking the grass is cranberry colored and they will be getting a check for $800. The Japanese walk away thinking to himself WTF? Is this guy an idiot? (Baka, da yo)

^^GA. Lol.

I guess maybe my situation isn’t quite so extreme, but not far off.

My question is, when you are more direct (because that’s closer to your usual MO) do they at least understand you? Even if they think you are rude or crass?

They knew I was American speaking in Japanese so I was given a lot of slack.
When they would say something was different or a little difficult I would ask “Is that an American ‘No’? I’m sorry my Japanese is so poor.”

That kind of immediate followup reduced misunderstandings . Engineers liked it – a lot.

Oh yeah. Especially when I’m in a room full of potheads. Fluther is like that sometimes.

@LuckyGuy Because even Japanese Engineers are more literal than the average person in Japan? Is that what you mean?

At least the Japanese are very service oriented. Yesterday, I had a discussion with my MIL (I’m sure she felt we were fighting) because she told me a story where at Miami airport they wanted to charge her an additional $25 for her luggage, because it was a couple of pounds over. She noticed the scale registered 4 pounds when empty. I don’t know if she said something or not, it’s not clear to me. She did pay the amount and still feels robbed 5 years later.

I asked her why didn’t she ask to have her luggage weighed at another scale. I mean it’s MIA! American Airlines. The counters go on forever with multiple scales one right next to another. She said she can’t do that with everyone behind her waiting on line. I told her you can just offer to wait for the next opening and no one in line waits longer. She could not understand what I was saying. That had to do with language, stubbornness, and having been “beaten” into submission for years. Maybe she’s not so bright either, but I think it has less to do with that.

I’m sure she felt we were fighting, which in my opinion we weren’t. I also am sure she thinks I’m awful for even suggesting to ask the employee to weigh her luggage on the next scale.

I live in a foreign country. I didn’t know the language when I moved here. I have miscommunication stories that will make you laugh and cry.

But even before and even in situations where everyone spoke the same language, miscommunication came mostly from reading something into something I said that was never there or intended. Instead of asking me to explain, the people would run to a third party and have the story blown out of proportion. Those things used to really bother me, but now they don’t because people who do that shit don’t need me in their lives. They obviously like drama and I’m a pretty boring person who, don’t get me wrong, I like Opera, I just don’t want to be in one.

@cazzie You describe it perfectly. I was thinking I want to pay for my niece and nephew to take a class in communication so they understand that people speaking the same language miscommunicate. My husband’s family doesn’t understand the concept at all they don’t understand how inference, interpretations, perception, and assumptions all affect communication.

When a friend runs to another friend with a so-called ‘problem’... it is only natural for that friend to be supporting and empathetic, right? Not question the teller of the story or say, ‘Hey, that doesn’t sound at all like something Cazzie would say.’ (even assuming they knew me at all) Instead, they have their assumptions validated and even possibly exacerbated if that friend loves the whole ‘drawn into drama’ motif. Being rational and suggesting that perhaps the emotionally upset friend should just calm down and ask the person what they meant instead of making sure they didn’t assume or jump to conclusions… well, that might come off as cold and unfriendly. It’s a horrible cycle. I’d rather just keep to having friends within my own species.

@cazzie I think it’s why my husband’s family probably thinks I’m horrible; I question their interpretation and reaction to things. I don’t do it much anymore, I learned finally. Sometimes, I still can’t help myself when I think it will help them. It rarely helps them though. They see things very black and white. They think I’m trying to win an argument, not that I’m trying to help. They always work on the assumption people are against them. Even family. Even people who quite obviously love them.

Yes.

In Muslim Africa, the Arab Middle East, and talking to my ex-wife. Regarding a “healthy debate”...

My ex wife thought that every debate was a fight. And to her, a fight meant that her pride and self respect were on the line, a situation that was so unacceptable to her that every debate became a fight to the death.

I finally got tired of saying “whatever you say”.

I began to prefer the first two to the latter (well, not really, just making a point). But one day, when it came time to go home, I just didn’t go. Good decision.

Even trivial things like my MIL tells me she always helps in the kitchen when she stays with other people, but if I try to help she tells me not too, and then sometimes I get the feeling she annoyed I’m not helping. Good God. I clean and help when she is out of the house, or while she’s showering. It’s all I can think of.

She also has almost outright said I wanted to be in her family for money and I care about money (I know this is from her daughter) which is an absolute joke in ten different ways I won’t get into them all.

So, now when my husband and I give them money I give it to her, or both her and her husband at once, because his macho bullshit meant she didn’t know her husband ran out of money. It’s so annoying.

@josie It is very hard to live with. Thank goodness my husband isn’t as extreme as his family.

I’m living with my inlaws right now, and they just left for a trip this morning. I feel a huge weight lifted.

My housemate is a terrible communicator and I consider myself to be pretty good. I mean what I say and take what others say literally and at face value. If I say I am going to do something I do it. If I have a plan I follow through with it.
I have finally learned that I can’t trust her from day to day to follow through with what she says.

She runs hot and cold, is moody, forgetful and while not bi-polar or anything she does take a lot of medications for some health issues and I attribute some of her issues to that and the rest to her scattered personality. It can be very frustrating, especially after living alone for years, to cope with others crappy communication skills, or should I say lack of skill.
She just got me again the other day with something we had discussed, literally 48 hours before she did a complete 180 and changed her original statements.
It used to bother me more but now I just take most of what she says with a grain of salt.

All the time. My new boss is a sort of force of nature. In the first place, he is a very large man – around 6 feet tall or so, and well over 350 #. Big guy. He’s also a smart guy, but he seems a bit insecure about that sometimes, so he has a mildly bullying attitude when he speaks sometimes. He doesn’t always speak with the confidence that he should have due to his experience, intelligence and position. He’ll make a statement, followed immediately by an automatic “KnowwhatImean?” He doesn’t wait for an answer to that question. So if you really don’t know what he means, or doubt the validity of the statement, you don’t have a chance to say so, because he’s onto the next didactic, sometimes challenging statement – and if if looks like you’re going to voice a question, a doubt or a disagreement, then he starts talking louder, faster and more forcefully, and with shorter pauses after the “Y’knowwhatImean?” And so on. A “conversation” with him can be exhausting.

I’ve learned to go blankface on him when he carries on like that and I do have doubts or questions, let him blow out whatever he wants to get out, and then go back to the first question on the first statement – which forces the conversation back to where I wanted it to pause in the first place. (And he might be learning to enable proper conversational pauses, natural expressions of doubt and disagreement where appropriate, and a better give-and-take, or he’s wasting a lot of time saying things multiple times – and getting no better results. Of course, the question had better be a good one, or the response can be withering! But it’s all good.)

It’s highly entertaining sometimes to watch him speak to someone else who’s just as forceful, just as sure of himself, and just as determined to be heard first. (I watched one of those this morning, actually, so this is fresh in my mind.) Just as pigheaded? I didn’t say that! It’s like watching two bull moose butting heads, but with word flows, not horns. They each start to speak faster and more loudly, and neither of them hears the other’s excellent points. It would be a good place to walk away, but it’s like watching a train wreck. Who walks away from a good train wreck – at least when you’re not standing next to the track?

Nearly every time I interact with humanity, and the only way to really disguise the degree of frustration it causes is to make people think I am just cranky. It’s a lot easier to have people believe that then try (in vain) to explain the truth.

At work, there are people who don’t work with us but are in peripheral roles. I always tell people that’s why I prefer email, because there’s no misunderstanding about the time, date and what exactly was said.

In my personal life, I can’t think of any examples right off the bat but I think if I were in a situation such as @JLeslie, I would probably be more quiet and not engage in as many conversations. I’d probably try to keep my thoughts to a myself and not verbalize. I’d probably try to keep out of the MIL’s way. Maybe we’d offer to take them out to eat so that she has less to complain about. If they say no, then it’s on them but at least the offer stands. I’d have hubby say to his parents “we’d like to take you out for dinner to give you a break from the cooking and cleaning.” Then at least she could or should shut up about the cooking and cleaning because she had an opportunity to avoid it with going out.

@jca We do offer to take them out about once a week, because none of us like to eat out a lot. It’s a chore/game to pay though, because my FIL has so much ego. It’s also a crap shoot if they will like the food, because they often don’t like what they order. That’s a long story. There are a few restaurants that work out very well though.

There is also the problem of the macho bullshit that my FIL doesn’t want to let my husband pay. We can invite them out and his dad will still try to pay before we see the bill, it’s unbelievable. It can be a bunch of us, a family outing, let’s say 8 people, large bill, and the men will try to chip in for the respective couples and my FIL will refuse to take the money.

@JLeslie: It sounds like “lose/lose.” You can’t win, so if I were you, I’d minimize contact except pleasantries (and always be very pleasant) and then I’d look to move out asap. She might think you’re being a distant bitch, but again, you’re not in a situation where you can win, anyway.

@jca For sure playing the quiet one is the better route. Not my normal MO. I chalk it up to you get what you give. She stifles and seethes, so now I stifle. I don’t get angry though, she lives in a world of anger. It’s just frustrating for me. It is her house; I do want to respect that.

They are in MX for ten days, then home for two, then leave for your neck of the woods to watch my BIL’s dogs while they travel out of town for an event they are working/producing. I think their nuts to go up there for ten days to watch the dogs. While they are there they will stay in the house and grounds, the entire time. It drives me crazy just thinking about it, but it’s nice of them to do it. Part of me wants to go up there so we can take them to West Point and Mohonk and things I know they would love, but obviously instead I’m going to take advantage of the break from them for me and them.

@JLeslie Yes, take advantage of the peace and quiet, mostly the peace. haha

Yep. And everyone knows everything and I stay quiet until I can contain myself no longer at which time I exit to laugh and get composed. I am not around that group of people anymore and I must say I do not miss it.