I loved @Seek‘s response, and I haven’t read much of the thread since then. I’ll get back to it later; I promise. But I thought I would offer something similar to what she did, but from a different perspective.
I’m nearly twice as old as she is, male, and my upbringing was in a stable, financially and emotionally secure household with two parents who loved each other and all of us unconditionally, and let us know it all the time. They weren’t atheists, but they weren’t religious nuts of any kind, either, so that wasn’t an issue. So, because my experience is so diametrically opposite hers, consider the response from the @Seek.-opposite
Even with that background … when we got married and had kids, my wife and I had to figure out nearly everything on the fly, too. Times change between our childhoods and our children’s, and the society around us changes, too. In addition, my wife had been abused as a child, too, in ways that took a long time for her to admit to me. Her father had been a violent alcoholic who would frequently come home drunk after a bender and beat the kids with a belt for no reason at all. (He’s never been like that during the term of our marriage; in fact, I’ve never known him to drink even a beer.)
However, neither her damage nor my cluelessness hurt our kids at all. (They’re both about the same age as @Seek now, in fact.) We made mistakes all the time. As @Seek says, the important thing is to recognize when you have, to own up to it and change your behavior, and apologize when that’s indicated. Learn – really learn – as you go, and get better.
From what you’ve written, I would expect that you’ll make a fine parent. Which is not to say “perfect”. That’s not an option. You are definitely going to screw up, big time, frequently and sometimes badly. Eh, that’s life. Since you’re approaching this with your eyes open and a full awareness and memory – one hopes – of what has been done to you, you should be able to contextualize what happened “then” and fully differentiate it from any future “now”. At least you’re thoughtful and aware, which is half the battle.
Two examples from my own “active parenting” days:
Despite her upbringing my wife had no trouble saying “I love you” when she felt that. Although I grew up in a loving home, no one ever actually said that out loud, so that was “different” for me. But after living with her for awhile before the kids were born, and forever afterward, it was normal and natural in our home to say the words out loud. So we did, all the time. Even now, when I speak or write to my son or daughter, we each find it perfectly natural to close the conversation with “I love you” on both sides. This would never happen – never did happen – between me and my parents. And I did love them; we just never said so.
Finally, when I was growing up, one of the rules we followed at dinner time was “eat all that’s put on your plate”. If I didn’t like the vegetable, then Mom would threaten me with, “If you don’t eat all of that, then I’m going to give you more.” Of course, the implication was that I would have to eat all of that, too, so I would finish the item that I didn’t like to avoid that. I tried that tack with my kids, too. I think she was about 7 years old at the time when I tried it with my daughter, who sort of cocked her head at me and told me very matter-of-factly, “Daddy, that’s nuts. If I don’t eat this and then you give me more of it, then I’m just not going to eat that, either.” Of course she was right – and smarter about that than I had ever been – and we dropped that stupid rule.
It helps – and it can be difficult! – to raise smart kids. But I hope you and they enjoy it.