Should I say something or should I just leave the group?

In this case, your impatience is a response to someone else not having respect for the dignity and worth of everyone else in the group (including you). And criticism, when aimed at improving someone’s knowledge or character, is showing respect for the dignity and worth of another person. It says “I believe you can be better than you are, and I respect you too much to allow you to continue being worse off than you could be when it is in my power to help.” Most people don’t appreciate this kind of respect. Arguing with people and criticizing their beliefs is frequently seen as an attack these days. But in fact, it is the act of a friend. An enemy would just leave someone to their ignorance and vice.

Is it possible to bring up this topic in the group setting so that all can discuss it? Maybe others feel the same way and some kind of an agreement can be reached for the whole group to have limits or something efficient.

When I say “bring it up,” I don’t mean bring it up specifically about her. Just bring it up as a general topic without pointing fingers.

We have a discussion group at my sangha. The people who created this group have created a very strict set of rules of how the group shall work. In fact, there is a handout for newcomers. Depending on the number of people attending that night, we allocate a time limit that will allow each person to speak for 5 minutes uninterrupted. There is to be no “cross talk”, and there is someone who holds a stop watch. When a person is done speaking, they pass a rock to the next person who will be talking.

It might seem cold and impersonal to set such strict limits, but it really works well. Could you propose some kind of rules regarding a time limit and an object the designated speaker can hold, such as a small rock?

@jca I would want to go through the leader first. The woman who is rabbiting on is a long term member of the church and I am a newbie although very active. I agree with what you say as a general tactic but I feel in this case the leader should find a tactful way to handle it. And I realized you didn’t mean to focus it on one individual.

As an added issue, I will be leading a book discussion there in a few weeks and a friend had told me that this woman had attended the last one and chattered on. I plan to forestall that by announcing in the beginning that in order for everyone to get a chance to speak, I’m requesting that people keep their remarks short.

@DoNotKnowMuch That’s almost exactly how our group ran last year. This one is much looser which is this leader’s style.

Speak to the leader in private. If nothing changes, sit out the rest of the year.

I would suggest you talk to the leader. Along the same lines as what @SavoirFaire stated: “I believe the group can be better than it is, and I respect you (as a leader and a friend) too much to allow you to continue to have your leadership style being taken advantage when it is in my power to help.”

@janbb: Yes, I also should have added that discussing it with leader first is step number 1.

Do you know if others in the group feel the way you do, or have you not discussed it with them? You may be more able to convince the leader of your stance if there are others who you know feel the same way, too.

I’m in the “speak to the leader” camp. It is important to respect each person, yes, but that includes you. Being driven out does no one any good. is the previous leader still part of the group? Could you maybe ask them for some counsel about this situation? The talky person may not realize that she behaves like this, in fact may be encouraged by the current leader’s failure to rein her in.

@canidmajor The previous leader has been there intermittently. I could talk to her.

@jca I’m a little reluctant to talk to others in the group as it might seem like I am gossiping or ganging up.

I think that I would just drop out. If the leader or someone calls you, tell them that the group no longer meets your needs.

Speak to the leader. In the best case, she will see to it that nobody talks for too long, and in the worst case you extend the courtesy of telling her why you are leaving.

If you are friendly with the leader, and the group is something you enjoy and it meets your needs, then I’d try some tactic before just dropping out.

I would speak to the pastor (I don’t know the right term for your church, so apologies in advance).

One reason would be to understand the tenants of the church and how your experience fits in. The other would be to let the pastor know that while you fully enjoyed the previous group, this one doesn’t meet your needs. That way he/she (a) has knowledge and feedback about the group and (b) can let you know if a group opens up in the future that would be more suitable to your needs.

Since the leader is a friend, if you choose to leave the group then I’d mention a quick and generic something.

This group will end in June in any case. The groups and the leaders vary from year to year but I doublt I’ll sign up again.

Speaking to the Minister is a good general idea and I have gone to her about personal problems but I know from being on the Board how much she deals with daily so would rather handle it without her.

@janbb: Maybe next time it starts up, you can be the leader!

@jca I’ve thought of that and I could do it but don’t think I want to take that on at this point. I do a lot of other things there as it is.

@janbb: Is it something that requires a lot of prep?

@janbb I often have that approach, so I understand. I just want to point out that those who want to serve and deal with many difficult things in their service are often relieved and honored to address a relatively minor and sincere request. It would probably take less than 15 minutes.

@jca No – it doesn’t.

I think it comes down to different communication styles and personality differences. Obviously the leader is a bit passive and the chatter box probably means well but may be an intuitive personality that tends to wander around in their thinking and takes a lot of time to get to the point. None of these traits are bad or wrong but if you prefer a more structured and to the point discussion then it’s not going to be a blend. I’d say given the fact the meetings will cease in June to just suck it up until then, no risk of offending anyone or putting the more passive leader on the spot asking her to confront the chatter box , and just move on next year. You only have about a half dozen more meetings to go and you can always skip a couple of them.

If they’re once a month, you probably only have May and June or possibly April, May and June left, yes?

Since it’s obvious that the interminable talker obtains some therapeutic benefit from rattling incessantly, dropping out pending the arrival of more diciplined leadership is probably the charitable thing to do. But it isn’t exactly gossip to seek out the consensus of the group. Is the talker just plain insensitive? Is the group her only opportunity to verbally express herself? Since she is a long term congregant, others must have insight as to reasons for her behavior. As to your unwillingness to hurt her feelings, if her behavior at these discussions is at all typical of her performance in general, she is almost certainly accustomed to rebuke.

@jca Yeah, only a couple more. It’s an afternoon out of one of my two days off during the week and a 30 minute drive from home so I resent it if it is wasted time. Plus I just don’t have the patience to listen to someone ramble. As @Coloma says, it may just be different personality types.

Interestingly, there was pretty consistent attendance last year and this year, there are more people signed up but much poorer attendance so others must also be dissatisfied. But it is nearly over for the year.

I can’t help thinking that you’re talking about Fluther through the use of a metaphor. I routinely “stop following” a thread when it turns into a back-and-forth conversation between two or three members, of zero interest to others, and all of the previous responses are forgotten, ignored or made irrelevant. (This is not to disparage thread drift, which is another thing entirely, and more often than not a serendipitous joy – after the question at hand has been dealt with, anyway.)

So, given that your group – as described – is smaller, more intimate and personal, and requires your physical presence (if you’re going to participate) – and assuming that you want to participate – I would advocate speaking privately to the leader / moderator. It may be that that person is the one who needs to learn how to moderate the group and lead, steer or limit the discussion, or if uncomfortable with that, to turn over the moderation function to someone who can and will perform the necessary duties. So that leads to another issue that may arise if that discussion occurs: Are you ready to take on the moderator duties in the way that you suggest?

If you’re not ready to do the job, should it be offered, then perhaps leaving the group is the only honorable choice, short of confronting the individual one-on-one and outside of the group to discuss your particular issue.

If you like the group and really don’t want to leave it, please don’t let the chatterer run you off. Talk first to the leader—it’s her responsibility to solve the problem, else how can she be called the leader. If that doesn’t work, I suggest you do something that might be difficult but necessary: state your problem openly in a session. This can be done in a tactful way, I think, by suggesting time limits. I’ve had to do this exact same thing in my own man’s group.

Have a chat with the leader and discuss your concerns. Perhaps they can quietly discuss the problem with the individual you have the issues with and resolve them.

I highly respect the questioning as to whether this pet peeve should be considered worthy of mentioning or looking upon it as a form of intolerance that needs self-addressing.

This situation is a common issue when it comes to group discussions. There is often a member that produces what a co-worker once described as “verbal vomit”. It diminishes the goal of the meeting.

From the big picture, it isn’t about the individual but the purpose of the group. Unfortunately, this is a common mistake made by those appointing a new facilitator to the position. Lay facilitators often do not receive proper training on how to conduct a meeting. If the facilitator doesn’t receive positive and constructive feedback, how are they to hone their skills?

If I were you, I would make an appointment with the Unitarian leader to explain the situation. By explaining how you feel and offering solutions, it may net results.

I would speak to the leader, and I would politely start leaving after an hour. Not in a confrontational way, but just “I’m sorry, I have to go.” It’s a pity that this is happening. Will the leader change at the end of the year? You may find things get better then.

I attend a current events group once a week (I just started attending 2 months ago) and the group has very strict rules. 2 minutes to voice an opinion, the timer runs up on a screen, no crosstalk, and only one comment per topic. Once in a while the rules are bent a little, but very rarely.

I think if a new leader allowed one person to babble on and on and monopolize the meeting, I would probably just drop out, or skip some meetings and try back again. I might talk to the leader, and let them know I’m considering dropping out and why. In the group I go to the leader at one point asked about something the group used to do to put it to a vote whether to start it up again. I have no idea if one person went to him about it or if several did.

The more I think about it, maybe try to find out who will be leading next year and ask if they are going to keep it as is, or put back some of the rules that restricted how long someone could speak. The current leader only has a few sessions left.

@janbb: Does the chatterbox lady ramble on multiple times, or is it that she rambles on once? I’d probably have a hard time not saying something to her if it was really excessive. Does she cut people off? For that, it’s hard for me to stay quiet. I’d say something like “I’m talking now.”

You bring something special to the group. Each individual does. I think you would be a positive idea and voice for others.Sometimes with a change in the accepted pattern of things, different approaches come in for a phase of time that differs off and away from the norm. You should be there to help guide or just participate. The current phase will change again soon-
” as surely as day follows night ”
So the meetings go overtime. Allot more time and ease up on the “newbie”. You have genuine points of dicussion and should continue to contribute to the situation or ideas—when you feel like it.
Instead of quietly gritting your teeth, might I share a good way to let it flow over you and meet a goal of calmness in the sometimes hated chaos?
Take something for your hands to do.
Crochet, do embroidery, crewel work, heck- go flash back to an earlier form of expression and do Macramay! (sp?) You could knot yourself a hammock! Or a nifty plant holder!
My point being- work on something that allows you to absorb the necessary and accept or hear while letting it dissipate the feelings of others that sometimes upset and anger you to where simply sitting can magically cause your blood-pressure to rise.
As I said- your voice, your imput does make a positive impact. You do make a difference. It would be shame to miss out. Just ride the waves and keep your own council.
No offense nor hurt feelings by anyone involved.
When you get to a certain point of Argh! just remember:
“This too shall pass, oh Lord.”
And play hooky now and then. ( except that the knotted owl wall hanging might take a little longer to complete… ) life is short. Water off a duck’s back.
IMO only.
If it makes you unhappy enough, then yes, step back until another point. Yet still keep your own council about the reasoning behind your actions.
Be at peace with it all…