Why does my family friend defend my rapist ex?

First let me say that I’m very sorry for how this woman has treated you. You don’t deserve that. I understand this is your best friends mother, but all you can do is delete her from your life, from facebook. It may be hard to do since she is someone that has been in your life all these years, but she is toxic to you. If you weren’t friends with her, you would never know that she was still liking and engaging with your ex. Put an end to it now. She is not your friend.

Members of my family and his see my abuse and his behavior very differently than I do. The only thing I can control is the extent to which I want to interact with them which varies depending on my general relationship with each person. You cannot necessarily convince people that your truth is the truth.

You’re illustrating one of the more awful things about the type of abusively controlling treatment that you received. That is, that some abusers can be so glib and charming to others (including to you, at one point, right?) that it totally masks what is going on. Then as time goes on and the abuse continues more or less unchecked – and I would imagine that when he has you in tight control in a foreign country and culture, and separated from your family and true friends then the control is even tighter – that takes a toll on your appearance, your ability to trust others and to form new friendships, and ultimately on your very sanity if it goes on long enough and gets that bad. Meanwhile, the abuser continues to seem charming, cultured, and sometimes even more sympathetic because “look what he’s trying to deal with” (!). So people who may have been on the fence about him look at the two of you: one slowly appearing to become irrational, delusional, mistrustful and angry, and the other one still urbane, charming, cool and unruffled – and figure that you’re the crazy one, and he’s a saint to put up with it.

And so they continue to dupe people. You’ve now seen it. She has been totally duped – and she may be on the way to becoming a victim, if she doesn’t somehow pull you back into orbit first, which may be his intent, of course.

I would suggest that rather than make demands upon her (which promises he will undoubtedly charm her into breaking, and then hiding from you), you work to limit or cut your own contact with her.

Good luck.

You can control your response to her behavior. I don’t care if you’ve known her since you were four years old. Cut her off and tell her why you are doing it. Why are you Facebook friends with someone who is friends with your ex? Why do you care to view his posts?

Unfriend her. Tell her why.

I’ve unfriended anyone who is friends with my rapist or his wife on facebook. I just can’t handle the surprise of his ugly face on my facebook wall because someone I know commented on or liked his photo.

You gave her ample request. If you want to have a relationship in real life, that’s your business. I would at least unfollow, if not unfriend, her on social media.

While you’re recovering from the effects of the abuse, you really don’t need to carry the burden of other manipulative and abusive people. I argue that she is an additional manipulative and abusive person in your life. You’re in charge here. Maybe you get so much out of your relationship with her that you don’t want to end it. I doubt it.

Relevant: @LeavesNoTrace: Is this the same person as the one you asked about in this question from a year ago? www.fluther.com/178823/would-you-disown-someone-if-they-were-friendly-to-your-rapist/

@jca

Yes. I tried asking her a couple of times to stop but she completely ignored it and didn’t respond to my request. I’ve seen her a few times since then and never felt comfortable bringing it up in person because she has a tendency to blow up when she feels in the wrong/cornered.

@CWOTUS

WOW, you really hit the nail on the head with your assessment. Thank you so much.

“Meanwhile, the abuser continues to seem charming, cultured, and sometimes even more sympathetic because “look what he’s trying to deal with” (!)”

^^^ This is exactly the ploy he used to make people feel sorry for him.

After my mother died, I was a wreck. I was dealing with the financial and emotional fallout from my abusive father, then he pressured me to to move to Ecuador with him where I contracted a serious illness while dealing with his abuse, this and various other things took a physical and emotional toll on me. Leaving me exhausted, haggard and weepy. I’m sure I looked less than ideal compared to him who was so cool, calm and “saint”-like while he was raping me and driving me insane behind the scenes.

I got a weird Twilight Zone feeling when I read the details of your question. I just watched a rerun of an old show which dealt with the very same problem from a comedy side of things.
I think you have already been given the best advice you can get. You are best off just severing ties with painful people. Maybe tell her, and that if she decides to honor your feelings, you would love to have her back in your life after she has left him behind.
So, that said, maybe you can enjoy this episode of Dear John. A good laugh usually helps put some of the pain behind us, even if only for a while.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you but you are now learning one of the inescapable aspects of human relationships. Namely, that you cannot control the behavior of another adult. You can only control your own.

You do have the insight to realize why she persists in interacting with him. Sociopaths can be very charming indeed. But she isn’t doing this specifically to hurt you. She has been duped by him to believing that she is acting in your best interests.

Until she wakes up to the truth (which, realistically, might not happen for a long time, if ever) the only control you have is over how much negativity you are willing to permit entering your life.

As painful as it is, you need to unfriend her from Facebook and cut off ties so that she doesn’t bring his toxicity back into your life when you most need recovery and healing.

You need to do this for your own health and well being. You don’t owe her or him any apologies for taking care of yourself emotionally.

Perhaps she will then realize how serious and important this issue is to you. And perhaps not. You can’t control that. You did your best to explain things to her to no avail.

Now it’s time for you to be taking care of yourself by cutting off all corrosive influences upon your healing. You can’t control or change either him or her. But you can control the degree to which this negativity impacts your life.

Since your mother died, she obviously has more importance to you. But there are other people who can fill this role for you to support your healing rather than dragging you back into negativity.

Go and find them. We can create an intentional family to make up for whatever gaps there are in our family of origin.

Have you considered looking into any support groups for survivors of rape/abuse? This may prove to be far more helpful to you than wasting energy trying to convince her.

In a way, she is also a victim of his manipulation. Hopefully one day she will realize this.

But meantime, you need to move on. Hopefully she will eventually realize the truth of the situation.

I agree with the other responses to distance yourself from this women, not because she fails to believe your accusations of abuse but because obsessing on this situation is unhealthy for you.
It might help you to remember that abusive people are often highly convincing and manipulative so really, I think this has more to do with your friends mother being snowed by a master manipulator than it does her actually defending a rapist. She is being victimized in a different way, but victimized as well.

I am in no way condoning abuse of any kind but you do need to realize that if your abusive ex has effectively painted a rosy and innocent picture of himself to this women, she is being manipulated as well and there is nothing you can do except cut ties with the situation. I am not minimizing your bad experience but, you must know that it is all too common for couples with relational problems to talk major shit about the ex partners to others and the pictures they paint are often trumped up and overblown.
You know the truth and it is not your job to convince others, only to heal and move on.

He’s gas lighting you, that’s for sure. I hate to agree with someone above, but you might have to cut her out of your life for a while for your own sanity’s sake.
I remember when you were posting while you were in Equador. Remember how YOU defended him when some of us saw warning sirens flashing? He has her buffaloed as much as he had you. I’m so sorry. You can give her slack but keep your distance. Befriending her is just another way to control you and if it isn’t working he’ll get desperate and let his crazy show eventually.

If it will bother you that she stays in contact with him and “likes” posts he makes on Facebook, and you told her how much it bothers you then you have to decide if you want to still interact with her or not.

She may be projecting onto you things that have nothing to do with what really happened to you.

I know all too many men that have been controlling assholes to their wives or girlfriends, and I still interact with them for varying reasons. She may not be taking your use of the word “rape” in the same way that it means to you. Maybe she has been involved with men who were possessive and awful and she had sex when she didn’t really want to. Women have sex when they don’t want to all the time and they don’t always view it as rape. I’m not saying your situation wasn’t rape, I’m saying her interpretation of what you are saying might not be in line with what you know to be true.

I know I would stop interacting with your ex if you and I were friends and it bothered you. I would because my assumption she doesn’t have a real friendship with the guy. Why is it worth it?

I know a lot of women who get very upset when someone says something complimentary about their abusive ex. However, what I remind you of is there were good things about him. That’s how you got sucked in in the first place. It’s very different to be acquaintances and appreciate someone’s humor, looks, and style, than to be in a relationship with them. Usually, the most possessive and abusive men are the life of the party and attract people to them with no problem. This is part of their schtick.

It’s tricky. I’m sorry you might have to decide to stop talking to her, or put up with staying in a relationship with her even when she ignores how much this bothers you.

You can just hide her on your Facebook and block him and hopefully you won’t see any likes or comments that are upsetting to you.

I’m curious, is she Latin American also? From the same country?

Wow, it really is difficult to tap into the mindset of that. I don’t think this family friend is of sound mind if she is to say something like that. Dismissing someone who has committed sexual abuse, is about as low as you can get. My only guess is that, she is so chummy chummy with your ex; that to her he can do no wrong in her eyes.

Its not up to me to tell you what to do. However I would throw out there as a suggestion, that you consider maybe severing ties with this woman. She is clearly not being supportive to you at all. To stay friends with someone as vile as that after what he did. You even gave her the opportunity of correcting this wrong of hers, and she refuses. I don’t think she deserves your friendship to be quite honest.

I haven’t yet read the previous responses. I’m going to say, why does it matter what she thinks or does? You know why you left that man. You know it was the right decision for you. If she wants to stay friends with him and like posts he makes on Facebook, let her. Do you have to keep her in your life? She sounds toxic. She persuaded you to stay in a relationship that was causing you great harm. That’s not acceptable. I get she was your mum’s friend, but she isn’t being your friend. Drop her. Shut her off. Stop checking her Facebook page. Move on. You really don’t need people who are toxic in your life.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided not to speak to this person anymore, I’m not deleting her from Facebook but I will not ever initiate contact with her again nor will I except any social invitations where she will be present.

I have spoken to her daughter about this who is also my best friend and she understands my decision and is at a loss regarding her mother’s behavior. I feel bad because it’s not my friends fault, but I felt that she deserved to know the truth instead of be left wondering why I’m not as close to her mother anymore.

For those of you who have read my posts over the years, you know that my relationship with my ex and the trauma it has caused has been an ongoing tripping point for me. I am a little embarrassed by how much it continues to affect me, but I am trying to make strides in moving past it. I have a wonderful partner who is sympathetic to my pain and has been very supportive in helping me heal. Very thankful for him and my other friends who believe and support me, as well as those of you in the virtual world who would let me a sympathetic ear.

Cutting this delusional toxic person out of my life is an important step to healing, albeit a difficult one.

That’s probably wise as far as it goes, @LeavesNoTrace, but you might want to put her in a special friends group of her own, one which won’t get most of your updates.

Depending on how your ex feels about you: obsessed, vindictive and vengeful, hopeful of resuming the relationship – or apathetic (which would obviously be best for you), and depending on what your friend’s mother knows about you from your postings, he may be able to obtain that information from her and use it for his own purposes.

One hopes that that is an overblown concern, and that he doesn’t care at all about you. With luck, that’s the case. His attention to her may be nothing more than “keeping in practice” with his ability to charm. But on the outside chance that he’s using her to keep tabs on you … it could get scary. Many years ago when I was a young man I dated a young woman who told me about her ex while we were eating at a Pizza Hut one night. While she was talking I noticed her paying undue attention (I thought) to the parking lot. Then she sort of withdrew into herself, got all quiet, and told me, “He’s here. He’s circling the parking lot waiting for me to come out.” Apparently, he had already been driving around the restaurant for several minutes, which she had noticed because she knew his car. When she pointed it out to me then I noticed it, too. He kept driving in that circle for a full half-hour while we just stayed inside and talked. Eventually he left, and then so did we. So the question is, how did he know she was at Pizza Hut on a date with some other guy? The town wasn’t that small. Her mom still liked the creep, and when he called to ask, she told him.

That was way before Facebook, smartphones and all kinds of social networks. It’s way easier for those creeps now. Don’t make it easier for him than it should be.

Thanks for your acknowledgement of my earlier response. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t know all that I do know, but that feeling goes away. I’m glad I know; I hope that I can help in some way.

@CWOTUS has a great idea. Make her an acquaintance and make all your posts to friends only. Then block him so you don’t see anything he posts or if she “likes” it.
He won’t be able to get under your skin if you don’t know what he’s doing. It’s an act of taking your power back.

And @LeavesNoTrace, you don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. We can’t divorce ourselves from our past, it’s part of who we are and sometimes things that happen will lead to us revisiting what has gone before.