Did your parents "fuck you up?"?

Yes.

They did their best, and generally did a good job, but they fucked me up a little bit. More significantly, they let some other people fuck me up a lot more.

No

Nope. They gave us guidance, but also let us find our own way. No excessive turmoil, no real abuse.

‘fuck you up’ is a bit strong.

There are certain things that did (raising me) that I would never do to my kids, mostly having to with religion and such. And to a lesser degree, economics.

But to be fair, they had just lived through the depression and the Holocaust, and half my family were killed in Germany, so the choices they made for us were ones that grew directly from their (then) recent experiences.

@ucme , so you are self-made, then? lol
Mine tried like the dickens, but I turned out okay anyway. twitch, jerk jerk
I like the poem, by the way.

@SavoirFaire if your parents failed to protect you from being fucked up, then I fail to see the difference.

@Here2_4 isn’t it awesome?

@trolltoll Like the poem says, they were a bit fucked up themselves. And they weren’t aware of what was happening at first (even if maybe they should have been). In the end, the people I choose to hold responsible are my actual abusers.

No.

Curse words were not allowed in the title Q when Ben and Andrew cared.

NO! They were great. My mistakes have been my own.

My Mom in many ways; my Dad not so much. And some stuff wasn’t their fault. But I’ve worked through it mainly.

Yes, but I did the necessary work to grow past it and forgive them.

@janbb your answer could be my own.

Yes.

Just enough to keep my therapist happy.

I certainly thought so when I was in my teens. But, No. After I hit my twenties and saw how some other people’s parents were, I thanked my lucky stars. And my mother.

No, my parents did a fine job with the cards we were all dealt. The things that fucked me up are all random happenstance outside of anybody’s control, so I have no one to be angry at.

@Espiritus_Corvus not saying you’re wrong, but that argument has a hint of a logical fallacy in it.

No, it’s a hint of a very spoiled teenager who had it really good and, like many, didn’t appreciate it at the time. It wasn’t until I learned that there were actually parents that beat, or sexually molested their children, or spent the family wealth on themselves and their little addictions instead of decent clothes or food for their kids, or simply drank themselves into a stupor every night. There’s your “not as bad as” fallacy of relative privation for you. It’s very real, as evidenced by some other posts on other Fluther questions here, and it is hardly a fallacy to point it out.

Nope..not by any means possible.

Yes.

@Here2_4 No prizes for originality, but at least you tried

No, my parents mistakes, shortcomings and issues only made my resolve to do things differently with my daughter stronger and made me the strong, resilient and tenacious women I am. Nobody gets perfect parents, and even very abusive ones can be a catalyst to change ourselves, for the better, not the worse. It’s all about choice, and once you are no longer a child to continue blaming your parents for their mistakes is an exercise in futility as well as a cop out to keep yourself stuck in a victim role. Children are always victims but adults choose whether or not to stay stuck in the past or move forward.

My parents were nearly perfect, it was like hitting the lottery. Both of them and to this very day.
When my school friends ( you know the teenage drill) would whine “brag” about how their parents were fucked up and fucking them up I had nothing to add to the conversation. The people whose parents really were fucking them up did not say anything either but for different reasons

@Espiritus_Corvus so only the children of parents who beat, sexually molested, or financially neglected them can say that they had bad childhoods? Is everyone else just a whiner?

I have no idea what you are on about, troll. Are you just living up to your chosen name, or what?

No, not at all.

@Espiritus_Corvus I’m just trying to see what you mean.

Not deliberately.

I see what @Espiritus_Corvus means. You grow up only knowing what you know. Then, after you’re grown, you learn what other people know as well. It tempers your understanding. You see things from a perspective you couldn’t before.

I was dropped on the head as a child. I actually was, fell out of the bed and hit my noggin. Still though I had a great upbringing.

Now we understand, @NerdyKeith. You are forgiven. Mostly.

@Dutchess_III Haha thanks.

No. Well, my father certainly had some possibly harmful personality characteristics so I mostly avoided him. Mom was a Saint. Still, I blame myself for all my ignorant behaviors in high school and college. I made my choices, good or stupid.

@trolltoll
@Espiritus_Corvus is describing the moment when you really become an adult. The point where you forgive your parents and move on with your life or acknowledge the fact that they were ok or even great. There is no logical fallacy in that.

In some ways yes, in other ways no. They did their best, but sometimes their best simply wasn’t enough. And as hard as they may have tried I am still, years later, trying to fill the cracks they left in my foundation.

Yes, in some way. They could have done better, but they just don’t listen. They think their way is perfect and I’m just being stupid for questioning them. The way they raise me is exactly the same way I was treated nearly 20 years ago! I know they love me but I wish they just dropped their pride a bit and kept up with the time.

LOL…

But I am in good shape now. I experienced some things most other kids haven’t but I seem to be doing alright now.

@johnpowell I was active on fluther 6–7 years ago (under a different username) and I think I remember you talking about some of the things that went down when you were a kid, specifically, something that happened between your mom and your dad. Does that sound about right?

If you mean my dad beating the shit out of my mom and sister nightly in drunken rages and then when my mom threatened to leave he said he was rich and would have us killed if she left him. So she killed him instead.

Yeah, I am that guy. And we ran from the cops for a year. A good chunk of that was in Mexico.

I’m sorry.

No worries. It has been 30 years. I have had some fucked up shit happen to me since. But I have pretty much learned that I won’t die and it all manages to work itself out.

Well, yeah I guess. My father was abusive and my mom was very neglectful when I was a kid. My father stopped being abusive since this last December when I pointed a knife on his face so I could get out the house. It was the night he shouted at me when I told him my side of the story and he kicked me out of the house. He doesn’t like it when I tell him what I feel and what I think of things. We never fought again after that, we never talked until now. We stay in the same house under the same roof but we’re covered in walls and never see each other.

Jesus. I am so sorry you guys. @Powell….so whatever happened to your mom? Were they looking for her?

@throwaccount that sounds stressful as hell. I’m so sorry.

I had a great childhood with a loving, single mom who worked her butt off. I grew up in a great neighborhood in an affluent suburb outside of NYC. I had loving grandparents, too, and they helped with child care, teaching me things and taking me places.

Seems to me this thread shows that while parents fuck up, it does not mean they necessarily fuck up their kids as a result.

^^^ Good point. Plus ALL parents fuck up at some point.

@Here2_4 on the other hand, being fucked up spans a spectrum of possible states. It’s not a binary condition like being alive or dead, or HIV+ or HIV-. I think everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum of being fucked up by their parents.

And it depends on the reactions of the kids. What one kid sees as an earth shaking fuck up, to refer back to time and again during their lives, the other may just shrug off.