General Question
My friend is bitter about my happy relationship. What would you do?
This question has a longer backstory for context so you can skip to the ”——” down the page if you want to get to the “meat” of what I’m asking. However, I suggest you at least skim the backstory so you are better equipped the chime in. Thanks, Jellies.
I have a close friend of 15+ years who I have been close to since childhood. We grew up in the same small town and have stayed close throughout high school, college and now into our late 20s. We also have many friends in common, and we all spend time together several times a year despite living in different cities.
Interestingly enough we have gone through some similar tragedies. We both lost a beloved parent young (her father was a victim of suicide which compounded the tragedy), and both of us have cut contact with our abusive surviving parents. She is kind of a nervous, high-strung person by nature who has battled anxiety and depression for years. She also has had a lot heartache and disappointment with men which seems to contribute to her depression and loneliness.
Over the past 4–5 years, she has been particularly lovelorn and went through a string of “Mr. Wrongs”. She also confided that despite not being able to find a boyfriend (which she desperately wants), that she’s had sex with over 40 guys (and climbing) since college and has done some high-risk things like orgies etc. I was very worried when she told me this because I care about her and don’t want harm to come to her.
Not to mention that every time she sleeps with a guy, and he doesn’t return her feelings, it sends her into a tailspin of low self-esteem, depression, and even suicidal thoughts, which is alarming, to say the least.
In my earlier twenties, I also had a couple of ups and downs with men, including a relationship that turned mentally and sexually abusive when my mom died. But I moved on from that and for the past, nearly two years have been in a healthy, loving relationship with a stable partner.
My friend was a little bit bitter when I started seeing someone, and she said she was just “concerned” because she didn’t want to see me get hurt. But she also insinuated that because I had been in an abusive relationship in the past that no decent guy would want me and that I “attract abusers”. I sensed that maybe she was jealous, but I brushed it off.
Over time, she got to know my boyfriend and came to like him and could acknowledge that he’s a good guy and good for me. We’ve visited her several times, and she’s visited us and we’ve had a very good time.
However, when I confided in her that he and I were considering taking the next steps in our relationship, she reacted very negatively. Made some comments about “throwing my life away” and ending up “barefoot and pregnant.”
Once again, I brushed off her reaction and tried to move on.
———-
This weekend I went to visit her by myself and we had an incident.
We went to a bar and the owner (a prominent restauranteur in her city) came over and was trying to hit on me. I rebuffed his advances but he didn’t take the hint. Then his hand started going up my skirt and I told him in no uncertain terms that I have a boyfriend to take his damned hands off of me.
I was sober but my friend was drunk and told me that I had embarrassed this “important” man and that I need to “stop being a prude and go with the flow”. I told her that I was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be touched that way. Full stop.
She proceeds to get drunker until she’s stumbling over her shoes and making moves like she’s fixing to go home with one of the random weirdos who was creeping on us. My other sober friend was also uncomfortable and concerned about her so we threw her in a cab and brought her back to her house, where I was left with her, alone.
My drunk and high friend then proceeds to verbally abuse me, insult my relationship, my career, everything. She made unfair comparisons between her life and mine saying that “had an important career” and that all I care about is my relationship and marriage and babies and that I was setting myself up for failure. (not true.)
I don’t have the energy to type out every sh*tty thing she said, but it was hurtful and unnecessary.
The night culminated with her crying and chain-smoking in the bathtub about how unhappy she is and me making a hasty exit the next morning to avoid any more confrontation.
I was very upset and I confided my experience in my partner who also is very upset that my friend disrespected me and direspected our relationship by 1) encouraging me to step out on my partner by saying that I should allow myself to be groped by random men and 2) insinuating that me marrying him would be a step back in my life, amongst other garbage she said in her diatribe.
I’m at a loss, Jellies. I love my friend and I thought she was doing better but it’s apparent she has issues. Is there any way that I can preserve our friendship, preserve my relationship and preserve myself?
I’m heartbroken.
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