When someone complains to you about the same thing over and over, do you offer them unsolicited advice?

I avoid such people.

The vibes aren’t healthy for me.

@jca: “Do I tell her my opinion or do I nod sympathetically?”

I’ve stopped giving advice (in real life) because we never know the whole story, and most of the time, people aren’t looking for advice. They really just want someone to listen.

With family and close people in my life, there are times that a question or two may be helpful. But it must be geared towards the person finding their own solution to the problem.

My good friends tend to tell me the truth – whether I want to hear it or not. I think it behooves you to talk to her. And of course, being cursed out like that is totally non-acceptable.

I would fall a bit in the middle, and say something like, “well, yah, I can see he does that.” Neither sympathetic or condoning. And then I would ask her if she wants my opinion or not.

It is similar to people on Fluther who ask variants of the same question, but then never follow anyone’s advice.

“I was there once when he demanded gas money, and when she said no he called her a “f___ing c__t.”’.

This made me audibly gasp.

@jca, if this was your friend’s husband or boyfriend treating her this way, would you feel like you needed to speak up?

Your friend may be an enabler, but this kid is abusive.

I would ask. “Do you need to vent or do you want advice?” and let them make the choice.

@Seek I think you’re right but if the friend constantly only wants to vent, wouldn’t you get frustrated? I would.

I’m OK with being a wall if I’m asked to be. Sometimes you just need to vent, because you already know the logical solution but can’t make it happen for whatever reason.

Goodness knows I’ve done it to all of you enough times.

@trolltoll: The night he called her “a f__ing c__t” he ran right out the door after he said it. He went to a concert and then what she told me was that the car engine (his car) engine seized at 4:00 a.m. and he called up and her husband had to go rescue him. They then paid 4k for the engine to be repaired. So long story short, that night he called her the name nobody got to confront him after he said the name.

@jca so, pretty routine behavior from the kid, and pretty typical reaction from his mom, then? This sounds like an exhausting friendship.

Men are really good at playing “Mr. Fixit.” Women don’t always want a fix, only empathy. If she doesn’t actually ask for your opinion, nod emphatically.

I usually try to refrain from giving any unsolicited advice, but in this case I think it would be hard, especially witnessing that behavior. I’d probably say, ” Well, as long as you allow him to push you around and bully you, nothings going to change, you need to employ some tough love mama.”
I have a friend that is always complaining about her husband and recently I just straight up said ” Well, the one thing I have learned is that when you find yourself recycling the same arguments over and over again, it’s time to seriously evaluate the relationship and that living in a state of constant emotional upset is not healthy.” A gentle way to say, ” either fix your freaking problems or get a divorce. haha
You know the drill, big drama that gets dumped on you, then a few hours later it’s all “fine” again. ” Gah!

I predict a continued unhappy life for all involved, and when the enabling parents end up selling everything they own to keep him out of jail so he continues to not have to pay for his mimstakes you can let them camp out on your lawn. I’ll bet he’s a product of people telling him he’s the center of the universe and he can’t keep a job because no boss will put up with his “I’m here, I deserve a raise and kudos just for showing up” attitude. I just read an article about this. He is displaying learned behavior, they will keep reenforcing it and he will continue to escalate until the law intervenes. You may want to get a little distance there…

I guess there’s a middle route between listening to her constantly complaining about her son and giving unsolicited advice. You can explain to her that it hurts you to keep hearing about this difficult situation and that maybe your conversations need to focus more on other topics. Or you can ask if she wants your opinion.

I remember you bringing this up quite a while ago so it must be a frustrating situation for you.

@janbb: Yes, good memory! I guess it also kills me to see the kid take advantage of generous parents and be so demanding and entitled. On top of that, to be ungrateful and know that the parents work (and are currently working) very hard for what they have. They’re far from rich but they have a nice house and lifestyle.

A few years ago I had a similar situation with a close friend. The circumstances were quite different, but the same-old same-old rant never changed. I realized that she needed to vent, but I couldn’t bear to hear it anymore. I did a little research, found a couple of books and websites, then told her I couldn’t bear to hear about it anymore, as I couldn’t help, and just being the receiver of the vent upset me too much. I gave her the list of books and sites, and arranged engaging things to do with her. Lunches were out, just talking always came back to that subject. Movies were good, museums, anything that was distracting.
It was hard, but the friendship survived, and she realized that she had to take action.

Good luck with this, @jca, it is so distressing.

I usually try to listen politely (if not fully engaged if it’s a repeated complaint), while thinking, honey, either do something about it or suck it up. Fortunately people haven’t figured out how to read my mind yet.

If she were a really close friend of long standing, rather than just tell her what needs to change, I would put it in the form of questions like ” is there a reason why you don’t set xxxxas a boundary?” or “why do you think he thinks he can get away with calling you names without consequence?” or “what would it take for you to put your foot down and stop tolerating his taking advantage like this?”

I’m sure you can think of similar open-ended questions along these lines.

At least it might give her some food for thought.

Of course you already know that he calls her xxxxas because we teach people how to treat us and she should have nipped it in the bud the very first time (most likely as a teenager or earlier) But sometimes hearing someone ask her why she permits this and her not really having an acceptable answer will be enough to get the wheels rolling.

But that approach may not do much of anything either because this problem started many years ago. If questions like this don’t get the ball rolling in the right direction, you just might have to resign yourself to the role of bystander watching this train wreck unfold. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes all you can do is just be there to help pick up the pieces.

That’s the time I DON’T give advice. Much of the time groaners don’t want to listen, they just want to groan.

If somebody tells me their problems, I assume the reason is that they want an opinion. Why else would someone tell you their problems? To just whine? I give my advice, if I have any, and if it is not taken, I stop listening or ask them to shut up about it. If that doesn’t work, I avoid them. They either have no balls, or are in love with being miserable. I want neither of these types of people in my life. Neuroses are contagious.

Only offer advice when and If they are asking for it,otherwise it will fall on deaf ears since they are not responsive to advice yet.
Instead ask good questions such as:
1. I wonder why you have this reoccurring problem?
2. Given the same response,one cannot expect a different outcome.
3. What triggers make one feel obligated to give in?
4. I wonder what else a person in your position could do to make things more positive?
5, Perhaps one is too predictive in actions following a put down, meant to manipulate someone?
6. What is the worst that can happen if you say that you don not have any more to give?
7. If you are afraid of harm to you, then seek help from counselors,authority etc
8. Your friend/relative etc has a poor judge of you as a person.You a a good person who works hard for a living and gives freely to those deserving of that,remember to only give to deserving people, not demanding people.
9. Where do you see yourself in the future,a year,five years,ten years and so on. Are you saving for your future?
10. Do not give your power away.While you are busy sustaining an undeserving person, what are you doing without?Why? How long does this have to go on?
11. Do you feel powerless in this situation that you helped too create?
12. I am here for you.I appreciate your friendship with no strings attached.
13. You are so giving I wonder if you receive as much as you give? Why or why not?
14. From now on do not keep money in the house etc If he wants money, then arrange with your banker to allot a some sum of money that has a paper trail.Take yourself out of that equation and at the same time there is a limit set.= that you will or will not go over.
15. Do not place yourself in financial peril due to an others demands.

People have to own their own problems and therefore need to come to a solution on their own and at their own pace. There may be more to this situation that one on the outside may not be aware of.
16. Suggest a Councillor appointment or an intervention only after asking if the peraon wants that in her life yet?
Good luck.

I’d go with, “Hey, you complain about this a lot. What are you going to do about it?” My friends know if they complain to me I will say something.

I always make the mistake of assuming that, if you’re complaining to me, you’d like help with a solution.

I’ve tried being like @DoNotKnowMuch because I understand some (most?) folks just want to vent or get some kind of power from complaining.

I can be a very good listener if the intent is to eventually plot out a solution. If not, I am not your guy.