If someone invites you to dinner at their house, do you feel you have an obligation to show up hungry?

2:00 honestly would be an odd hour to have to eat a meal for me and I would not be fighting my way to the buffet. It would though weigh on me that others did not seem to want to share in that moment of breaking bread with “dad” especially at his age. I would trade everything I have to share one more decent meal with my mom…as now everything I feed her is through a straw.

This cannot have come as a surprise to you, @Dutchess_III.

Something in the family dynamic dissuaded the rest of your in-laws from joining the patriarch, and host, at the meal.
I don’t believe this was “out-of-the-blue”.

No, of course not. I have an obligation to show up gracious. The lack of manners was not in whether or not people were hungry, but that they weren’t making the effort to all sit down together.
And I get @ibstubro‘s point, something else may have been going on, it does sound odd.

But to your original question, I was actually raised to show up not hungry, but willing to eat something, so as not to insult the host.

I agree, @canidmajor. As kids, we were always advised to “eat a little something” before we left, as it was up to the host when and what we ate.

Our obligation was to eat something at mealtime without complaint.

I am of the latter school as well. It was not correct to stuff your face at someone else’s house so it wouldn’t do to arrive “too hungry.”

As to what happened to you, Dutchess, that is simply poor manners. Whether people were hungry or not, they should have sat down when the host sat down.

I moved several thousand kilometers away from my family so I didn’t have to deal with these sorts of things. At my last visit, I had the misfortune to sit at a table with my eldest brother. He took the opportunity to suggest that I changed and chose boyfriends like some people pick clean, eagerly waiting underwear from their lingerie drawer. I told him to ‘Fuck off’ in front of an inappropriately aged group of family members, took my plate and ate alone by my car.

Ah, damn, @cazzie.
You let him get under your skin. A reply about ‘having something against clean underwear?’ or ‘what sort of lingerie are you wearing today?’ would have suited the ‘inappropriately aged group’ better.

This isn’t a matter of guests but a matter of family.

Family dynamics, especially on a holiday as fraught with danger as Christmas, work beyond the bounds of normal etiquette. I am not excusing anyone, yet behaviors at an occasion such as this have been ingrained since childhood.

Why were you “starving”? Why did you skip breakfast? And, is there a customary eating practice at this family? Many families don’t sit down together, especially at a large pot luck gathering. Others graze for hours, but don’t sit down with one plate and that is it.

Oh man. That would never have happened at my house. We had seven kids and when they all grew up and had spouses and SO’s and even the extraneous third or fourth wheel, our gatherings could number two dozen. When mom announced, everyone came to the table. We took our places and chatted until the last person who had to go to the bathroom or run to their car for something showed up. Then, when we were all present and accounted for, my mom would take the hands of the people on both sides of her and thank everyone for coming. Then she would pick up a serving dish and pass it. That was the signal. Only then did we dig in. And we dug in all at once; dishes were passed crossover conversations started up, jokes and ribbing would come from both ends of the table. I can’t remember anyone questioning this custom or complaining about it.

Eating singly, or in couples happened later that night, when everyone was spread out over the house and porch and just pecking at leftovers. The kids were usually on the porch with watermelon or ice cream, some people were in the den watching the game, others in the kitchen cleaning up or serving, or just hanging out. I can’t imagine a family coming from all over and then not eating together. It is unimaginable. I can’t fathom how deeply hurt my mother would have been if we didn’t all come to the table.

Edit: Dinner was served at 4pm, usually. We usually began gathering around 1pm and were quite hungry by 4.

Well, of course. Lots of meat on a human.

I don’t feel any kind of obligation just because I receive an invitation. If I accept I am obligated to be polite and respectful of my hosts and their home. I don’t have to go hungry but it would be rude to turn down even a small amount of dinner, even if I only liked one menu item. If I found the home and kitchen to be filthy I would not feel obligated to even sit my behind down; I would go home.

I’m not really a good person and even I would have at least grabbed some bread and taken a seat.

And I am a really picky eater and I loathe eating food at other peoples houses. I have no clue about their hygiene and what is in the food. For example I only use single servings of milk since I am terrified of the milk crust that forms on the rims of jugs. I won’t even eat my mothers cooking.

However, I ate at Taco Bell on Wednesday. Mental illness is weird.

@Cruiser,.....see I don’t understand why people can’t skip a meal. It’s not like you’re going to get sick and die. 2:00 is an odd time for some people, but that’s what time it’s always been for decades on Christmas day. People were coming in from all over. Thanksgiving day is always kind of wonky too.

@ibstubro I have been going to those family events for 15 years. This is the first time this has happened, so yes. It was a surprise, and it was out of the blue…..unless you’re suggesting they all were holding some sort of a grudge against a 93 year old man. If that was the case then I’d be utterly disgusted instead of just disappointed. But we’re all too protective of him for that to happen. They just weren’t thinking, I guess. Plus they obviously weren’t hungry. It floored me.
I felt bad for Dad because he felt a little bad.
Mom always let us have a little something, like a piece of cheese, too, but not because she didn’t want us to be hungry, but because were were hungry and clamoring. She’d give us a bit to “tide us over.”

So @canidmajor, you’re saying that if you spent a week planning a dinner, and most of the day preparing it, you’d be ok with people filling up before they came over, and “obligingly” eating a little just because they were expected to? Then why bother with a dinner at all if nobody is really going to want to eat it?

@zenvelo I always skip meals before a scheduled event involving dinner, like a bar b que, or one of Rick’s yearly family reunions. Whey wouldn’t I skip meals? I know I’m going to be over eating in a few hours. Hell, Rick and I didn’t eat our first meal until about 2:00 today. It’s no big deal.

@disquisitive Well, if you accept an invitation to dinner, it would be nice for you to tell the host, or hostess not to go to too much trouble because you won’t be hungry anyway. That way they can just provide some cheese and crackers instead of busting their butts planning and cooking a meal.

@johnpowell LOL!

What is so difficult about people allowing enough time between meals to feel hungry? Is there something bad about feeling hungry for a few hours before you eat? Is it dangerous or something?
I get the impression that you all think that if you’re really hungry you’re going to start shoveling food in your mouth with your hands, uncontrollably, like some sort of Neanderthal. I don’t understand that either.

Oh, @Dutchess_III, do read more carefully. That’s not what I’m saying. I never said anything about “filling up before they came over”. And really, unless I know that the person is a reasonable cook (not defined in your question) I’m not going to count on the fact that your stuff is palatable.
“Then why bother with a dinner at all…” Why indeed? Have a pot luck. I often host big holiday dinners, I cook an entree and some sides, and encourage people to bring some things if they would like to. Everybody’s happy. With dietary preferences being all over the map these days, I don’t expect everybody to like everything I offer.
I assume that these things are about the social event more than the culinary skills of the host. For that I go to a fine restaurant.

We never “filled up” either, but had a little something so we weren’t staved and act like the heathen kids from hell when dinner was finally called. Our line was really long and really slow.

If invited to dinner, I’d certainly want to show the hosts I appreciated their efforts by eating the food presented. As to how I’d behave, I would follow the protocol set down by the host(s). If they called us to eat, I’d go and eat. I have to say I would find it very strange if the host said come and eat and everyone just ignored her/him.

And as @Espiritus_Corvus has said, when we did have family gatherings, it was usually around a very big table and once we were all there, we all tucked in and it was a noisy and exciting sharing of thoughts, food and companionship. If my dad had cooked us up a meal, I can’t imagine any of us not wanting to join in and eat it.

For me, I usually don’t eat “dinner” around 2 pm. When I’m invited to my parents’ for dinner, I may arrive around 2 or 3 but we’re not eating until around 5 or later. I will usually try to eat a little something before going to someone’s house, just so I’m not starving and picking at crap before the meal comes. Some people will put out chips and shit like that, and I don’t want to be faced with it and starving and eating it, if I can help it.

I am also a big believer in not demanding the host cook certain foods for my dietary needs, so I always say if you have certain needs, eat before you leave your house and then you’re all set. I have friends that will tell the host they can’t eat red meat, can’t have this, can’t have that, hate chocolate cake, etc. I’d never do that. To me, the host cooks what they want to serve and if I have needs, I take care of them myself.

I will always sit at the table when everyone else does and I’ll always eat something. I’ll usually take a little of everything and try it all, even if just a few bites of each thing.

@Dutchess_III You were frustrated because, by your own admission, you were starving. Yet if you’d had a small something before you went, you could have comfortably waited until the family as a group ate.

Perhaps you can just appreciate that everyone is together enjoying themselves.

This is the kind of thing that would happen, and has happened, on my dad’s side of the family, who are more USA-cultured. With my mom’s Italian side, we all eat together. Period. Even if there’s so many of us that we need to use the family room, living room, and kitchen for seating. I’ll note that the food is a lot better at the Italian family meals.

I could have comfortably waited anyway, @zenvelo. Just because I’m hungry does not mean I have to eat RIGHT NOW. I could have waited another 3 hours or hell…till breakfast the next morning. That’s just the way I’m wired, thorough many years of training.
Conversely, if I wasn’t hungry I would have still gotten a bit of food to sit and eat with him.

I hope you aren’t suggesting that I was rude for getting a plate along with Dad, rather than leaving him sitting at that table all by himself while I waited another 20 minutes for people to get their act together. Is that what you’re saying? Or are you criticizing Dad for not sitting there, letting his food grow cold while he waited another 20 minutes?

@dxs Read the details. No where did I suggest that I didn’t appreciate that everyone was together. I did NOT appreciate everyone ignoring Dad’s call to eat, and leaving him there at the table to eat alone. Especially when there is a damn good chance it would be our last Christmas dinner with him.

@jca I appreciate that your family does things differently. However it wasn’t feasible to wait until 5 or 6 because we have gift exchange after dinner and that’s 2 – 3 hours. After that some folks have a relatively long drive home that evening. For Rick and me, it is 3 hours. We are always the first ones there, at about noon, and one of the last to leave.
I’ll let the family know that you think they’re doing it wrong, though.

My biggest point was, if people had been reasonably hungry that wouldn’t have happened.

@Dutchess_III: Did I say I thought your family was “doing it wrong?” Nowhere did I say anything critical about your family. I gave an example of what I do and why I do it, and I answered your question based upon some examples.

SMH, really. Please don’t put words in my mouth. You can tell your family anything you want, but if they view this thread they will agree with me that you are incorrect with your assessment of what I said.

Really, @Dutchess_III, the more I think about what you just did the more I think about one of your recent bathroom questions, where a Jelly said something about you asking questions and then arguing with people who answer.

@Dutchess_III Where was your husband in all this? Was he with his siblings?

Now you say you could have comfortably waited, but earlier you said you were starving. Why did your FIL go ahead before everyone was ready? Does he always go ahead of the rest of this family? In my family, even at a buffet, one does not start eating until everyone is seated.

You have been stewing on this for four months. What does your husband say?

I haven’t been “stewing” about it. It was a question that came to mind to ask here, when it happened, but I forgot about it. I think it was Tom’s death two weeks ago (my husband’s nephew, who was only 44) that brought it back to mind. He and his family were always at all the functions, and they were there…...

Yes, my husband was with them, in an area that was in front of the island in the kitchen that held the food. There are couches in that part of the kitchen too. The dining room is off of that. I know that, for whatever reason, he didn’t want to go through until someone else did (not including me and dad.) I saw him trying to hand a plate to several people to get them going, but they refused it. The dynamics was odd…but knowing that family it’s not really unexpected. The men, especially, all take their own time to do things, even if it means being inconsiderate of others. It’s a passive / aggressive control thing they all share and probably learned from Dad! They have just never done anything quite so….inconsiderate of Dad like this before. To see Dad a little upset was really distressing for me. I got on my husband about it later.

I have a feeling it was different when his mom was alive. She died in January of 2002, about 5 months before Rick got together. I’d bet that when she was alive she was the acting hostess-in-charge and she orchestrated it the way many of you have described. Since she died, though, they just keep meeting at the old homestead. Dad isn’t really the “host,” though, just the patriarch.

Again, I believe if they’d been hungry it wouldn’t have happened.

I expect most guests to be hungry if they are invited for a meal. If they aren’t going to eat I think they possibly should say up front, before even arriving, to the host, if it is to be a gathering centered around a meal. They certainly can still sit together at the table and participate even if they don’t eat.

If the meal is at an hour I usually don’t eat, I absolutely adjust to be hungry when I arrive. However, I don’t arrive starving. I hate when I’m very hungry and then it takes the host two hours to get the food on the table. They should be clearer about what time dinner will be served when I’m invited.

I adjust depending on the host. If I know they serve a lot of crap appetizers I make sure I’m not very hungry when I get there. If all the food is delish, and semi-healthy, I save my appetite to eat a lot there.

If people arrived to a dinner party I was throwing and weren’t hungry I’d be a little annoyed. If it was one or two people I wouldn’t think twice about it, but a bunch of people? I guess with pot luck I would not have prepared much, so it wouldn’t be as big of a deal. But, pot luck? Don’t they at least want to eat the food they made? They just aren’t hungry then. It isn’t that they are vegan and there is nothing for them, or allergic to the shellfish in the paella, and that’s all that was made.

My husband and his family truly suck at being able to plan or anticipate when they will be hungry. It’s one of our marital ongoing fights. Not because I care so much whether they are ready to eat, but because my husband can be an asshole when he is hungry and he insists he isn’t hungry and he insists his temperament isn’t related to his hunger. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves regarding his personality.

@Dutchess_III My guess is people just made bad assumptions about what time dinner would be served. Next time communicate a time I guess.

@Dutchess_III Read my response. Nowhere did I suggest that you didn’t appreciate that everyone was together. I was just suggesting a positive outlook. Sheesh!

These statements came from the same post above, are mutually contradictory, and speak to the idea that you’ll disagree with anything posted, @Dutchess_III

1) “I could have waited another 3 hours or hell…till breakfast the next morning.
Conversely, if I wasn’t hungry I would have still gotten a bit of food to sit and eat with him.”
2) “My biggest point was, if people had been reasonably hungry that wouldn’t have happened.”

So your question:
“If someone invites you to dinner at their house, do you feel you have an obligation to show up hungry?”
Cannot be answer to your satisfaction by anyone, including yourself.

Honestly, @Dutchess_III, I have to wonder if your new ‘eating one light meal a day’ regime isn’t addling your thinking. Not eating anything until 1 in the afternoon is not good for you – your body or mind. You sound as if you’re experiencing, or skirting, an eating disorder.

@JLeslie I am not in charge of the dinner. I have no say. I just joined the family 15 years ago. They’ve eaten at 2:00 on Christmas day for 30 years or more. And this has never happened before, that I know of. Dad was a little upset, and I was simply flabbergasted. As I said, I’ll bet it was much different when his Mom was alive.

@ibstubro I didn’t quite understand your point there. Could you clarify? I was hungry when it was time to eat. I always am when I’m attending a dinner. What does being able to put off eating for hours anyway (if I had too) have to do with anything?

I know my eating habits are in the minority here, and goes against everything we’ve been taught, but just being in the minority doesn’t make a person wrong. I’m healthy and I’ve never had a weight problem, one way or the other, neither too fat or too slender.
In American society we are raised to eat 3 meals a day. We can’t shake the idea that that is how it must be, because that is ingrained into our minds. We also can’t shake the certainty that it is a scandalous horror to go outside with no clothes on, even though, in reality, it’s not.

I’d be upset if I were dad also.