Why do people get married?

Tradition

As an expression of love.

Commitment. Some people describe marriage as “just a piece of paper,” but I can assure you that it isn’t. Things change – sometimes for the better, sometimes not – when partners become a married couple.

Forgetting about the whole love side of things -

At least in the US, there are financial and legal reasons for marriage. Inheritance after death is one, the ability to make medical decisions is easier if you’re married, the tax treatment is different if married, and so on and so forth.

@Love_my_doggie but do people expect things to change when they get married?

I think they do indeed expect things to change. Marriage is open declaration that “you’re in it for the long haul.” I agree that it may well be pointless symbolism, but the state accrues certain benefits/penalties to the team formally hitching up. I can remember when people were fired from their jobs for cohabiting without marriage.

Good question, at this point I think legal marriage simply keeps the marriage/divorce and other related industries in business. It’s not good for men that’s for sure and it’s getting that way for ladies too. I am married, we don’t have kids and are not planning on any. There is no practical reason for us to be married except that she can now be covered under my health insurance and we can file one tax return. We get a small discount on auto and homeowner insurance. Beyond that it means if she leaves me it’s more complicated than just splitting up. Honestly, getting married is probably a bum deal for most.

Yep, I’d say tradition and conditioning/programming.

Marriage originated to protect the male from the possibility of raising offspring he did not sire. I was married once, and now realize how much of my desire to marry was programming and social conditioning and now I really do not believe in marriage. Only fr the legal benefits involved, but really, very, very, few people are meant to remain with one person until death do they part. Historically, when life spans were much shorter, if a couple were married for 20 years, the “til death do us part” usually came within that time span.

Sociologists have said that the modern ” middle age crisis” is something our ancestors never coped with because most of them were dead between 40 and 50 something They never reached the cusp of self actualization or questioned where their lives were headed, or wondered if their marriages were dead, because they were. .haha
One or the other parent usually died within 2 years of the last child leaving home.

Men get into relationships for sex, women for security.

Now that’s certainly tradition!

@Stinley I’d guess that most people expect marriage to change their lives, but that they’re surprised to learn the full extent of those changes.

@Love_my_doggie I think that might be the heart of the matter. I don’t know what people expect from marriage

@Stinley A lot of, often, unrealistic expectations based on romantic fantasy and programming.
In my experience with most married couples I know and have known there has been a huge degree of disappointment/resentment, based on unrealistic expectations. He/she will ALWAYS act this way, he/she SHOULD know what I want/need, he/she should, should, should, fill in the blanks. I like the saying ” don;t should on yourself or others.” A lot of shoulding is a baaad thing. haha

I have read that marriage came about to create and enforce monogamous relationships to stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. These small villages and communities were vulnerable to men and women becoming sterile from STDs and marriage corralled in the sleeping around and less STD’s meant more babies to grow up and provide for the community.

Marriage is almost more important today with STD’s like AIDs.

@Cruiser – that’s not what I learned.

As I understood it, tribes and tribal leaders had multiple wives per husband for military and defensive reasons – to give birth to as many sons as possible, to make the tribe stronger and have better armies. The winner of each clash brought back the spoils (cattle, for example) that fed and supported the family.

As territorial conquest became less of an issue, and settlements became the predominant way of life, many wives were an economic burden and because there was less territorial fighting, less need for warriors, and also less income coming in from the spoils of war.

So a settled tribe had less economic need for multiple marriages; one wife was enough.

@kritiper despite the fact that this is incredibly misogynistic viewpoint. Men don’t need marriage to have sex these days. If they really want to have a friends with benefits situation, they will find that (if they really want it).

A lot of men do have a romantic side to them and they do want to meet mrs right (or mr right if they are gay like me).

As for women, most 21st century women are strong enough to take care of themselves. They are not helpless cliches from a disney movie.

@NerdyKeith I was speaking in generalized terms which don’t always apply to all.

@elbanditoroso I think your period predates the one I am referring to which was fishing villages circa 1300–1600 where STDs were a real problem for the many partners way of life and monogamous relationships soon had much healthier breeders and offspring production. Enforcing monogamous relationships protected this new way of life and villages would punish the ones who did not conform to the new rules.

This article splains it pretty clearly.

Because they want to

For legal and financial reasons. To be next of kin and executors of each others estates. Also to agree to raise children. It’s the rights that LGBT community are fighting for.

To have someone to be with. To help share the burdens and rejoice with in the good times. To have someone you know so well, and someone who knows you so well.

@Dutchess_III But that’s no different than a LTR.

Don’t make me look! What is LTR? Life Time Relationship? I shall assume that.
No, it’s not any different and you don’t need to be legally married to have it. Rick and I were together for 4 years before we got married, so actually being married was no different. We got married for legal reasons, I suppose. He asked me, out of the blue. I hadn’t really thought much about it before that. I said, “Yes” because….I don’t know! Legal reasons? After a divorce, and if you were married for 10 years, you do get half of your spouses SS when the time comes. I don’t know how that would work if you’ve been married 10 years or more, more than one time.
I’m pretty sure that’s not what I was thinking when I said “yes,” tho.

I thought LTR meant long term relationship not life time. Puts a whole new spin on things changing huh? I’ll keep it at long term, doesn’t sound as overwhelming as “life time.”
Long term, as in not necessarily til death do us part. haha

I was just guessing. At least I got it in the ball park.

@Dutchess_III I’m teasing you, I thought life time relationship was a funny twist.

@Stinley I’m relieved to know I’m not the only gal to think this. I’m the same… I don’t get how a ring and a piece of paper really mean anything. If one wants to commit to somebody then do it. If you want to stay with one person and be loyal to them, do so. You don’t need a legal status or anything to actually prove something. It’s not like marriage is some magical thing that will stop two people from doing bad things if they feel like it, it’s never actually stopped people from cheating anymore than if they were just bf and gf. In the olden days people were more religious and marriage was a holy bond between man and wife. But in today’s world, where people have sex before marriage even if they are religious, or don’t follow a religion at all, what’s the point?
The boyfriend says he wants to get married, it’s something he wants a lot. Me on the other hand, I couldn’t care less. It doesn’t mean anything to me, and I’ve told him I don’t believe in it. If I do end up getting married it will only be because I want him happy and satisfied.
I can only think its tradition/conditioning but still, shouldn’t people actually do things they believe in, rather than doing them just for the sake of tradition or society?
GQ btw!

@kritiper Generalised terms? No sorry that argument still doesn’t hold water in my view, even if you call it “generalised terms”. You are enforcing a gender stereotype. Its the 21st century, not the 1950s.

If you want to talk about “generalised terms”? Generally speaking what you have suggested is most of the time not true at all. It makes no sense whatsoever and is very outdated.

@NerdyKeith that’s still the basis for like two thirds of marriages

@NerdyKeith Call it what you want but, really, would any man or woman in their right mind marry a member of the opposite sex if what I said wasn’t true? A man doesn’t need a woman around and a woman doesn’t need a man. So what would be the point??

So as not to die alone.

One factor to keep in mind here is that there are members responding that come from different countries, thus different cultures. Here in the US, there are very few couples I know that live with their partner and aren’t married out of choice.

In England, there is a different culture. The SO’s family is an example. There are at least four in the extended family that have lived with their partner for years, bore children, and yet never bothered to marry. No one bats an eye.

According to this Pew Research Study:

”,,,Americans are more inclined to choose ‘love’ as a reason for marriage than any other factor. In a 2010 Pew Research Center survey, love wins out over ‘making a lifelong commitment,’ as well as ‘companionship,’ ‘having children,’ and ‘financial stability’ as a very important reason to wed.

“Among married people, 93% say love is a very important reason to get married; 84% of unmarried people say so. Men and women are equally likely to say love is a very important reason to get married.”

I can’t speak for anyone else. I married my husband because I love him and I wanted to make a commitment to him. I’m as sure as I can be that his motivation was the same.

@kritiper A lot of them do. Marriage is about love, not sex. As I’ve already pointed out, you don’t need marriage for sex.

@kritiper Based on your explanation, how would you explain a man wanting to get married over the woman in a relationship?

@MilkyWay Personality differences, differences in beliefs, upbringing, the usual nature vs. nurture thing. Feeling personalities hold love as the highest virtue, they are very people and relationship oriented. Thinking personalities not so much, they are more knowledge seeking types that put less value on emotion. This doesn’t mean that feelers don’t think or that thinkers don’t feel, but the motivations are different.

As a thinking women I want a mind mate/companion over romantic love and sentimental attachment. Part of this is my nature and has remained unchanged for years, the other part maturity where an intellectual connection trumps flowery sentiment and wild sex. If you don’t enjoy talking to the person in your life while stirring the oatmeal, no amount of romantic attachment or great sex is going to breach that disconnect. haha

You know, a married woman can refuse her husband’s sexual advances as easily as a non married woman. However, after I married my future ex I quickly learned that he had an expectation of sex any time he asked. He’ll we’d been having sex for two years before we got married, but after marriage I got the distinct impression it was now my duty.
He got disabused of that pretty damn quick.

@MilkyWay I agree with your point, but there really are pretty serious legal issues that affect married people, that don’t apply to unmarried people. That’s why the issue of gay marriage is SUCH a big deal. Fred wants to marry Mike so that Mike will have the benefit of Fred’s estate when he dies, not the money grubbing family. Or worse, the state gets his assets.
Some hospitals may have hard and fast rules about family-only visiting (although I’ve never encountered it.)
Courts aren’t really set up to determine distribution of assets when a relationship ends for a non-married couple.

@Coloma I appreciate what you’re saying, but just because a person doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage doesn’t mean they feel or love any less. I’m an empath, a very strong feeler and I know for a fact that I love deeper than most. But I don’t believe in marriage. I don’t think that your explanation can be applied to everyone.

@Dutchess_III This is another issue that bothers me. Why do you have to be married for all of those legalities? It’s a huge neglect for all those people who have permanent partners, with whom they have been with a long time, but aren’t married. In my view the legal system should recognise couples who are permanent partners, many of which have been together longer than married couples even. Not everybody believes in marriage, but that doesn’t mean they don’t believe in being with another person for the long term.

@MilkyWay I’m not quite sure I understand the question. “Married over the woman”? Do you mean the man wants to get married more than the woman does? Without actually saying so, a man wants that alluring sexy woman to have as his alone and not share her (sex) with any other guy, hence marriage. Like a possession. Men are sexually driven creatures and everybody is at least a little bit crazy so that should be taken into account.
@NerdyKeith A man gets married, primarily, to possess the object of his sexual desire. The desire that makes him fall in love, and his understanding of what “love” is, is blurred by that intense desire. (Sex = love, love = sex) Read my comment to @MilkyWay above.

@MilkyWay Of course, but in general, feeling types hold close connections in higher regard on their scale of needs than do many thinking types. In your case it seems that, for whatever reason, your individual nature and nurture has led you to your own conclusions which s great.

@kritiper Not more than the woman, simply that the man wants to get married and the woman does not. And you’re generalising all men into the same group, but I won’t argue with you over that point.

What I meant when I said that “men get married for sex,” should have been:
Men end up married because of their initial desire to have sex. If it wasn’t for this sexual desire, men would never end up getting married.
@MilkyWay There will always be exceptions.

Rick wanted to get married more than I did.

@MilkyWay the reason the marriage is important is it protects both parties when issues come up, whatever those issues may be. It allows the legal process, whatever it is, to proceed much more smoothly than it would if one of the lawyers argues, “Nope. They were just friends with benefits. She / he has no stake in my client’s assets.” A legal marriage is a promise a contract that is much harder to break than just a handshake between two people.

For example, the instant I signed those papers Rick automatically had a half stake in everything thing I had, which included my house. Before that, he did not.

@kritiper in this day and age that doesn’t even make sense. Truly, it doesn’t. Rick and I were together for 4 years before we got married, yet you are going to insist that he asked me to marry him because of his “initial desire” to have sex? And if it wasn’t for his “initial desire” for sex he wouldn’t have asked me?

Don’t legal wills come in handy @Dutchess_III ? Shouldn’t there be a legal contract for “Permanent partners” rather than forcing people who don’t believe in marriage to get married? Of course if you want to get married then please go ahead. Its just disappointing that in this day and age, the legal system isn’t taking people’s personal beliefs into account.

@MilkyWay: But anybody can leave whatever they own to anybody they want to, through a will. If I have a child or a spouse and I choose to leave the assets to another person, I can, as long as I write the will that way.

Well, if you have a legal will that’s pretty much the same thing. Except…a person can go and change their will whenever they want, and they don’t have to tell their S/O. You know, so they get a girlfriend on the side, and change their will so that everything goes to her, while still hanging on to the one they’ve lived with 10 years. Can’t get away with that if you’re married.

@MilkyWay It’s for the legal argument. “I lived with this man for 10 years!” is an emotional argument. Courts don’t make decisions on emotional argument.

Let’s go at it from a different angle…adoption. Under our primate law, once a person has signed over adoption papers they have given up ALL parental rights to that child, and ALL parental rights are then transferred to the adopting parents as well as transferring ALL legal rights to the child. The child is given exactly the same amount of legal consideration, after the parents die as any of the biological children of the marriage.
Without those legal documents, and if the other children are assholes, then, by law they can deny that unadopted child any rights to the assets.

…It’s to settle legal disputes. And if anyone enters into a long term relationship thinking everything will be all peachy and fine forever, and there will never be any nasty problems down the road that will call for a resolution by a third party, they are being unrealistic.

I think priorities change with age and experience.

Exactly @Espiritus_Corvus. And in ways you don’t really expect when you’re young.
When I married my first husband my biggest reason was his 2 year old daughter. I wanted to become her legal mother, not just her heart mother. Sucky reason, I guess, but whatever.

When I married Rick I actually hesitated because I was the only one with any assets and I knew I’d be signing 50% away.

I’m not too terribly romantic, am I. :/

@Dutchess_III What you just said highlights my point. Yes legalities in a long term relationship are very important. But marriage is not the answer many people look for, hence my argument that the legal system should create a legal structure for unmarried couples who have been or plan to stay together for a long time. Please let me know if what I’m saying makes sense because I’m getting the feeling nobody is actually understanding what I’m trying to say here.

@MilkyWay I understand. I wonder if it’s a bit like the choice to marry in church or have a civil service wedding. Non religious people don’t have to have a religious ceremony. People who commit to each other by having what is a marriage in all bar the ceremony should be protected by the law

Aren’t there legal instruments available that can handle the dispensation of property, rights and responsibilities with the consent of the principals in a partnership outside of marriage? It’s easier, I suppose, to just get married to accomplish all this, but isn’t it possible?

@Espiritus_Corvus I’m sure there are. One could will whatever to a partner, monies, property, the deed to a house. You can fill out an advance directive or whatever they are called now and list anyone you want to be the decision maker in a health crisis. The only things I can think of that would not be viable would be collecting on a live in partners S.S.

You can even add on live in partners to your health insurance now in many instances.

Well, explain how some kind of “legal structure” would be different than a marriage? I’m not being sarcastic. I’m listening. Would there be fundamental differences?

I’ll just bet there are @Espiritus_Corvus. I know that when I went to liquidate some assets, anything over $X thousand dollars had to also be approved by my husband. But I didn’t liquidate that much so I didn’t tell him. But just being married put that into place.

@Dutchess_III Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. Didn’t mean to rain on your parade…

@kritiper… ? What are you referring to?

So basically it boils down to because you want to or because you need to get married. So far, there have been no reasons stated in defense of the latter category. Does that seem fair?

In my case, the SO and I have to get married. Since we are citizens of different countries, the only way we can be together permanently is for one of us to obtain a fiancé visa and marry within X months.

There are probably other “need to” reasons, like someone living in a culture where living together out of wedlock brings upon the risk of torture and/or death.

All of the legal benefits mentioned above pertain to US programs. In the UK (and @Stinley and @MilkyWay, correct me if this is wrong), the pros and cons to consider here in the US aren’t issues.

The legal documents that every adult should have, no matter where they live, married or not, are essentially the same. If anyone is interested in what these documents are, feel free to ask a separate question or send me a PM. While not a lawyer, I’ve been through this enough to give some basic guidance. It’s not complicated, and it can save you and your loved ones a boatload of unnecessary hassle.

@Dutchess_III Back up the page 15 posts where you last highlighted my name before the one two places back.

Jesus, @kritiper! 15 posts up??!! That’s like responding to me 2 days later when I have no idea what we were talking about! Next time would you link me to it? Is this the one you were referring to? If so, then I have to ask again what you meant when you said this. What rain? What parade?

I do like a summary.

Here are the reasons that folks have given:
Tradition
Conditioning
Sex
Love
Romance
Companionship
Relationship
Legal
Financial
Having children
Security
Commitment
Monogamy
Change your life
In the past, early death would free you
To own his wife
Pointless symbolism
Prevent STDs

I agree with @Pied_Pfeffer that the culture and possibly the legal system is different in the UK and it is fairly common for couples not to marry but have LTRs instead. And this is probably where the question came from – if this is acceptable then why continue the marriage tradition? I think the legal and financial aspect is important, that is a given. But a whole heap of those reasons above do not need marriage to make them happen. You can be committed, monogamous, in love, romantic without being married.

@Dutchess_III “Raining on one’s parade” is slang, meaning ” I didn’t want to cause you stress, anxiety, discomfort or pain by saying/doing/implying what I did.”
It may have seemed a long time to respond but I do have to get off this computer once in a while and go to work.

I know what the phrase means but I have no idea what you’re talking about!

OK, lets do this long way.

You said, “Men end up married because of their initial desire to have sex. If it wasn’t for this sexual desire, men would never end up getting married.”

I said: ”..that doesn’t even make sense…..Rick and I were together for 4 years before we got married, yet you are going to insist that he asked me to marry him because of his “initial desire” to have sex? And if it wasn’t for his “initial desire” for sex he wouldn’t have asked me?”

Then you made the “rain on your parade” comment, and then explained it: “I didn’t want to cause you stress, anxiety, discomfort or pain by saying/doing/implying what I did.”

THAT’S what has me puzzled. Why would that comment cause me stress or anxiety? …WAIT!!!! It just hit me!! Are you seriously thinking that we didn’t have sex during those four years, and that was the only reason he married me? So I’d give it up? Whoa…that has to be it. That’s the only way it makes sense.
* Goes away crying. “I thought he loved me and that’s why he married me!” *

We’ve both been married before. He has 2 kids and 6 grandkids. I have 3 kids and 10 grandkids.

Our first “date” consisted of him coming to my house to hang out. We talked into the wee hours of the morning, then I dragged him off to bed just to shut him up! In other words, we’ve had sex since day one. Marriage didn’t change the nature of our sex life life, not even one, tiny, little bit.

Further, it was his idea to get married, not mine.

Sorry to rain on your parade @kritiper.

@Dutchess_III I saw a program on PBS today and it covered this subject.
The number one thing that drives people and animals to seek a mate is biological. That means that sex, whether one admits to it or not, is the primary basic driving force, although not the only one. It may be a notion that isn’t in the conscious mind, but buried in the subconscious, but it’s in there!!!
The number two thing was safety.
Every other reason/drive/desire etc. gets piled on after those two.
I never considered your relationship with Rick in any of my posts. I was referring to people in general, generally speaking. You got to thinking too much into it, literally!
In addition, and no offense intended to you or any other members of the female persuasion, I think that women would be the least likely to understand this because women are not (as) sexually driven as men are.
But men understand it. And if they say they don’t, they are lying!
But, again, generally speaking IMHO.

Sex / reproduction drives about 90% of everything we do, right down to protecting our young, so they can live to reproduce. It’s biological. And believe me, it doesn’t take long for a young girl to realize what boys and men are all about. It’s not like you guys are mysterious about it.

I said Rick did not marry me for the sex because he didn’t need to. You said he did, sorry to rain on my parade. No, he didn’t. In fact, from your standpoint, which involves very base instinct, it was a foolish thing to do, to take make a public promise to have sex with just one woman, doesn’t it? Especially since he didn’t have to. But sometimes we humans tend to reason over and above our base instincts.

Yep, the ol’ ” meet, mate, procreate” hormone driven behavior of all animals.

Even the women. We’re just a bit more picky.

Go see my “Lek mating behavior” thread. That is typical. A bunch of males, jumping about, acting a fool, trying to impress us, while the women look on and laugh! Until they find that one who seems different, somehow special.

@ Duchess III Whatever floats yer boat!

What?