How should I treat an "ex" who was verbally and physically abusive when he's at a party I'm attending?

Wow. The answer is very individual and probably so complicated that you should work it out with your therapist.
You don’t have control over your emotional reaction. You feel how you feel and that’s neither good or bad. The question is, what choices you will make in his presence to make sure you don’t do yourself or your family an more emotional damage. No one can answer that for you really. Maybe the best answer would be to just avoid those situations, but that could cause even more family drama, I don’t know your family dynamics to be sure.
Maybe you create a calming ritual that you can run into the bathroom and do. (It will take some practice to bring yourself to a calming place in 5 minuets but it’s possible to learn if it’s important enough to you.)
Sometimes situations just suck and there’s no real easy answer. I hope you figure out a way to come to a place of peace about it.
I heard a quote that went something like, “Living in unforgiveness allows a person to take up space in your head rent free.”
It sounds like you’re nowhere near being able to forgive him but remember that as long as you hold onto your resentment he still has power over you. I have no idea of the correct process of giving up resentment though, that’s why if I were in your shoes I’d spend a few session with a therapist.

Pray for his new wife, look at him and smile over your good fortune in being rid of him. If all you see is the Dr. Jekyll side of the guy at parties, it should be an easy walk for you.

Abusers are all about their own projected image, this is why so many times, the abused person is not believed as the public face the abuser presents to other family, friends, co-workers etc. is charming, kind and helpful.
If I were you I would either not attend events that he was included in, or, just keep a low profile, and avoid contact as much as possible. Maybe he has changed, people do change, but this doesn’t mean you and your daughter were not effected by his behaviors years ago. I’d just smile politely and go off and do my own thing, engage other party goers, and ignore him as much is socially possible.

If you still have forgiveness work to do I’d work on that as well.
Once you realize that how others treat you is never personal and a reflection of their own demons, forgiveness is easy, but to forgive does’nt mean you forget or allow that person to still control you emotionally. If he really has changed and done any work on himself at all, he’d have apologized to you by now.

There is the rub, the correct and right choices are often the ones some do not wish to take. The only thing that can be done is to forgive him and move on. Or at best do not harbor any malice or grudge and take a neutral stance. Over nearly a decade unless you are a fly on his wall, you do not know how he changed, maybe he is better. He could be in anguish over his past behavior in spite his “OK LOOK”. Whatever he will get up and have his corn flakes with a smile no matter how pissed you are every day. I hardly believe your malice towards him is causing him any sorry just giving you a headache and upset stomach. Quit looking over your shoulder to the past or you may miss the next rut you are about to walk into.

@Coloma I’m pretty sure he hasn’t changed because I was told that his girlfriend, the age of our daughter in 1985 that moved in, had to call the police several times on him. Then I heard his present wife did the same thing. They have tempers; I don’t. In fact, I would have been terrified to even think of calling 911 on him. Besides, he has to know how horrible he is since he has a Ph.d in psychology and taught Abnormal Psychology for decades.
I think back and realize how he used his knowledge to try and change me into a Casper milk toast. But , wait; I already was a Casper milk toast! Maybe the correct term would be a doormat. But he instead next married a Hell Cat.

I’ll tell you what I’d do. I was not brought up to ignore people or be rude and nasty to them unless they’re that way to me. What I would do is say hello to your ex, and “keep it moving.” By “keep it moving” I mean walk away.

Do you actually have to converse with him? Could you just give a vague smile and then say; “Excuse me.” and just move away?

He is a narcissistic sociopath that is still attempting to control you and you give him that power by allowing him to talk to you and attempt to be nice. I can’t imagine you feeling good about your interactions with him after all he did to you and your daughter. If he approaches you politely tell him you have moved on and that he should too.

Wow. “A narcissistic sociopath.” Maybe, just maybe, that’s the reason why I don’t feel right after the parties. I subconsciously feel he controlled me. Thanks, @Cruiser. He definitely has always been in love with himself just as his parents worshipped him.
@Jak I feel very uncomfortable thinking of walking away from him but I don’t know why . I’ll have to think about it. Thank you.

@Aster I feel for you. My Ex wasn’t a sociopath but he left in a very cruel way and it is tough for me to see him. My son will be getting married soon and we will be in proximity. Plus he likes to have lunch with me a few times a year and so far, I haven’t said no. We are civil to each other but it always leaves me a bit shaky. I’m thinking of trying to avoid seeing him as much as possible and also keeping some distance at the wedding but it will be uncomfortable.

@janbb If he likes to have lunch with you then I assume one or both of you are still single? Ewe the thought of doing that with my ex is excruciating. I have so many unresolved issues with him that eating together would seem so fake and uncomfortable. I think I’d have indigestion or worse.

He’s remarried; I’m not.

I would have no problem being reasonably friendly. Remember, there is a reason you married him in the first place. He sounds charming. So be friendly. What can it hurt?

So is this his family or your family? If it’s his family, then why go? If it’s your family, then why do they invite him?
I do know of someone who is kind of in that situation and they attend his family functions, but I think it’s because after the divorce they helped her find a place to live and have been extremely supportive to her children and she doesn’t want to have her adult children feel that they would have to stand up for her. Especially on holidays when the whole family gets together.
I get that you probably feel a knot in your gut, but do what I do when I go to parties that have people I can’t stand. Smile and excuse yourself. I attend for a small time so people don’t get upset and then leave early if possible, or run an errand for the party and get lost for a while. No one ever really notices when there is a large group.
And the great thing about large groups is that it’s easy to say, excuse me but I was just looking for, insert name,. Did you see them. When they say no or yes, that is about the end of any conversation and move on. Or I was just headed to the bathroom, or I looking for so and so because I heard they were looking for me. Or did you taste the pie? I heard it was delicious, and go to the table to eat. Eventually he will get the hint.

Are you sure that you shouldn’t skip these events? Or, if they are family events, ask the daughters to celebrate with you two separately?

Aster, I think we should go have a coffee together. This sounds so familiar. They say the best revenge is Living Well. Show up and be the better person. The great thing is you don’t need to give a shit about him any more. You are free from it. You simply need to ‘Care Less’. Care less about what he looks like, who he is with, what he might say, how he might feel… Who CARES? You don’t need to any more! What a fucking relief! There are going to be other people there you know. Focus on the people you give a shit about. Remind yourself when you need to that you don’t give a shit about him any more.

I’d wear my best “See me in hell” outfit and openly flirt with his best friend.

@Seek I had a similar idea….same outfit but openly flirt with the ex right in front of his wife. She will beat him with a frying pan when they get home and demand he steer clear of his ex at all the other gatherings. Problem solved.

Cruiser….. no… she doesn’t want to interact with him. ‘Flirting’ with the POS is not an option. I think you are missing some feels here.

@cazzie That was not a serious suggestion but it is a sure fire one at that.~

I’m willing to split the difference.

Flirt with the wife.

I thought it wold be hilarious too @Cruiser! But I can understand her reluctance to do it. For one, she’d really have to be over him 100%, really not give a rat’s ass anymore, but she isn’t there yet.

Love it @Seek!

The best revenge, truly is, living well. I’ll never forget seeing my ex about 2 years after our acrimonious divorce based on his abusive ways as well. I looked amazing, I was driving a new car, I had just taken our daughter on a hot air balloon trip, and it felt great to pull up, drop her off and just watch his eyes trail me as I drove away. That guy out me through a living hell too but after the stress and trauma passed I came back stronger and better than ever. Wish I could say the same after the last few years I have had now. lol

@Coloma Sure “living well” – everyone says that. But it’s a bit simplistic and doesn’t always help you get through the times you have to see an Ex. Sometimes past trauma or patterns are stirred up no matter how well you are living in the present.

I think I would be polite, but not spend much time talking to him or being near him. I say I think that’s what I would do, because sometimes I am surprised by how I feel when actually in a situation.

I have an exboyfriend who I dated for tests who was a cheater and liar, and if I see him now I have no problem being friendly, I’m Facebook friends with him and his wife, it’s all forgiven and in the past. But, your situation sounds more extreme to me, and especially the lasting problems for you and your children, it’s perfectly understandable seeing him and interacting with him is troubling.

I’m sure I would feel like I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of everyone else in the room thinking he’s such a great guy and the divorce is or was amicable.

It’s one of the horrible things about abusers, the outside world usually has no idea what goes on behind closed doors, so everyone else thinks the person is “such a great guy.” The sociopath is the life of the party.

I say no rules for you. Just do what feels right. Listen to your physical reaction. If being near him works you up and you can’t come down for days, then avoid him.

If you can get to a place where he really means nothing to you, and was just piece of your past, it will be so much easier, but that’s very hard to achieve I know when what he did still affects you and your family today.

@JLeslie GA

I think, above, being confident and not caring about him any more rather = “living well.”

@janbb Oh yes, well, a quick glance and driving away is not the same as being forced to interact. I have not had to face that yet but I might, if my daughter marries someday.
I agree with @JLeslie too.

@Seek he always comes alone. He doesn’t bring his best friend.
@JLeslie he means nothing to me but bad , awful memories
@Dutchess_III He “seems charming?” He’s charming on the outside then can explode into a torrential hurricane in one second. It was very scary and got very old. I am over him 100% . Remember, this was 29 years ago.
@Cruiser He never, ever brings his wife. I’ve not seen her in fifteen years. And flirting with him? is a sickening thought. God.

I understand that @Aster. That’s how abusers are. They don’t drop the act until they think they have you trapped. You said, … he always is so friendly and smiling, showing me pictures of our daughters in his camera and cracking jokes….” that’s what attracted you to him in the first place. The best part is, you can enjoy his “charm” now, and then go home and not have to deal with the flip side.

I think that if you were over him 100% you wouldn’t have these questions. I think. I don’t have any questions or qualms about seeing my ex, which I have a few times over the last 25 years. Most recently was at our son’s wedding, in 2013.

I understand your discomfort at interacting with him and helping him project his Mr Nice Guy image even if you are completely over him. He has psychopathic tendencies and is best avoided as far as possible. If it isn’t possible just look him in the eye and ask about his wife.

How did it work out, @Aster?