Feel like my friendships are falling through the cracks despite my best efforts. I love my partner but don't want him to be my only source of love. What can I do to fix this?

I understand that you don’t want to depend too much on your partner and want to extend your relationship. But think about it, have you ever considered if she really loves you in the first place? What you say in the details shows nothing of love from her, not even close. She sounds like she doesn’t care for you at all and maybe only considers you a “trophy”. Can you continue to cling on someone who doesn’t care for you?

Cut her off. She may have already let you go figurately, now it’s time you did the same. You care for her, I know, but sometimes letting go is the best solution for both parties. Tell her once again how you feel about her. If she continues to be defensive cut off your contact and don’t talk to her again. You deserve a better friend than that.

So your friend should live her life and base her decisions on how they affect you? How ‘bout you find something to do that involves no one but you? Take up yoga, take a walk. Do something to help others. Allow your friend the courtesy of making deccisions based on how they will affect her and not you. Whatever she is on this earth for, making you happy with her presence is probably far down on the list. She isn;t here to be scenery or a backdrop for your story. She has her own story to live. Be happy that she was there for the first part of yours and hers, and accept that sometime paths diverge.

I’m just throwing out questions, purposefully trying to read too much into certain parts of the post… They may not hit on anything, but if they do hit on something they may help steer you to some possible approaches?

Is this kind of “oh, I can’t actually make it” a pattern, a part of the “volatile all-consuming relationships where everything else kind of falls by the wayside”? Where sometimes she drives hours to see a concert, and sometimes she suddenly can’t, and now with the distance the suddenly-can’t is becoming more troublesome?—(sounds like it’s not a pattern, but I though I’d start there.)

Is there any chance that her paramour is pressuring her to stay with them to celebrate their ½ anniversary that night? Perhaps they were giving her a hard time for wanting to choose her friends over them, and she relented?—It sounds like they’ve been dating for as long as you haven’t seen your friend, so I’m not sure they could using a “you always choose your friends” argument, but maybe there is something going on?

Is there any tension between you two about her current relationships? I feel like there might be, given the phrasing “self-inflicted love triangle situation,” but again I’m reaching. She might be feeling somewhat judged for her decisions, and maybe that’s led her to react in this unfair and unkind way of suddenly not coming to the bonfire she had expressed interest in?

Is there any tension between her and your other friends? Perhaps she had wanted to see you, but now that the date is nearing she is becoming more apprehensive of seeing so-and-so or whoever that would be there too?

Again, just guessing—I don’t know the situation as well as you, so I’m using my lack of knowledge as an opportunity to shoot out ideas…

@Soubresaut I think this question has something to do with this. I based my answer on it a bit too.

@Mimishu it’s about a different friend. We’re on friendly terms but I’m hurt by how she’s blowinh me off this weekend.

Volunteer to be a mentor or big sister to some girls who have no siblings.

@Mimishu1995 thanks!

@LeavesNoTrace oh! Okay.

So, when she said you were trying to guilt her, I’m understanding that you were trying explain how her suddenly not being able to come to something that had been scheduled (however loosely/tentatively) hurt.… I think there is a way to let her know that, without her thinking you are guilting her, though depending on how defensive she feels, your best strategy might be to really overtly couch what you’re saying… I’m around someone who gets overly defensive, so I probably overdo this strategy, but it seems to work well to get them to relax/hear what I’m saying without interpreting what I’m saying as a critique about them…

That you understand that she can’t go, and you’re sorry if you made her feel like you were trying to make her feel guilty—it wasn’t your intention. (Or if you want, maybe you were unconsciously doing it and didn’t realize at the time, or maybe were trying to guilt her a little bit but realized it wasn’t fair, etc…) You were just sad, because you had been looking forward to seeing her and getting to catch up in person. You’ve missed her/You miss her. Also, you had been under the impression that the weekend would work for her—which probably was a misunderstanding on your part, and you’re sorry for the confusion**—but when she said she couldn’t go, it felt like she was trying to get out of going… and you were worried that maybe she was upset about something, or angry about something, or that she was distancing herself from you…. I would tell her that you’re worried that you might be losing your friendship with her, and the friendship means a lot to you. So when she said she couldn’t make it, it hurt… I would then find some space in the conversation to ask her if it’s simply that she can’t go, or if there might be something that is bothering her or something that is otherwise going on, and see if she’ll open up about anything?

Anyway, that’s probably how I’d approach it.

**I’m not saying there was confusion. I just tend to approach it like this—I find it easier to place some blame on myself and wait for them to lift it off and out of the conversation than I do not blaming anyone—only because I know some people who then assume I’m secretly blaming them.

I didn’t read the above answers, but here is mine:

It’s understandable platonic friendships are very important to you. They are important to most everyone, but especially when there is little to no family around. However, I will say, I think you are idealizing familial relationships a little. I always say that family is important, and family is there when things take a turn for the worse. But, a huge portion of people aren’t “friends” with their family. They don’t call all the time, and discuss trivial things, and travel together. A lot of families just don’t do that.

I think you should make some new friends. I don’t mean completely dump the old ones, but find a friend or two now who is a better fit. It’s not uncommon through our 20’s to make new friends through work and new interests while old friends are getting married and having babies and focused on their own life.

Definitely, don’t make your friend feel badly for not going to your get together. Did she change her mind at the last minute? Or, she never agreed to go? Changing her mind would be kind of sucky, but if she never agreed then that’s it, she didn’t want to or couldn’t go. If she doesn’t meet your needs as a friend now, then just now it, and find what you need. In 10 years you both might be inseparable. Friendships go through all sorts of changes, but hopefully not ups and downs, just changes.

The less needy you are, the more attractive you will be to others. That doesn’t mean you play hard to get, no games is my motto, but don’t sweat the disappointments so much in front of people. Just tell your friend maybe next time, and thank her for RSVPing. Eventually, “fake it til you make it” may actually influence how you really feel. It won’t hurt you so much in the future.

You seem to be very intense about relationships. Very loyal. I’m similar. It’s very good in one way, and bad in another. The down side is holding on when things are getting very sour; whether it be an SO, friends, a job, it can affect everything.

@LeavesNoTrace I’ll try to say this as gently as I can. Many of your posts paint you as the victim and certainly there are situations in life where we are victims. I, too, was sexually abused, my parents are dead and siblings useless or worse and my husband left me. But I can either dwell on that or move through it to make a good life for myself. I have, and some of it has been hard work. But in many situations I am not a victim and may have been the creator of my own problems through my behavior. That I can change. My life is great now with friends and activities and a good relationship with my sons, but I had to make it happen. And one of the big learnings was letting go of the expectation that people would behave as I wanted them to.

I think you really, really would benefit from some therapy to sort yourself out. I particularly would suggest group therapy for you because it is a way to fairly quickly start to see how you come across to other people and start learning some changed behaviors. I have done both individual and group therapy extensively and it has helped me immeasurably.

I know you’ve said you can’t afford the expensive “good” therapist you would want but there are other sources of mental health help that could be just a good. I think you live near some large universities – there are may be training programs for therapists that provide supervised group meetings. Even something like AA could be a source of learning for you – or a woman’s support group. You need to look at what in yourself is getting in the way of people relating to you in the way you would like.

I hope you can take some of this to heart and start looking inward. You sound very judgmental when you talk about many other people and maybe that is what is driving them away.

Why do only old friends count? Make some new ones. People who share your interests and values.

Also, focus on loving yourself. If you are happy and content, you will draw people to you.

We grow differently as we grow older. Your childhood/highschool friends are living their life and growing in new and different directions.
My best friend all through school was into things I had no desire to get into and on our 10th high school reunion I realized we had nothing in common at all when she asked me to ditch the reunion and go try to buy some drugs.
You need to find new friends that are into the new things in your own life. I always found really good friends through work. I only have one friend from high school that I still talk to on a regular basis.

I’ve been on both sides of that. I’m going to play devils advocate. On your friends side, she doesn’t understand why you can’t be patient. She is trying to obtain something you already have. You should try to be understanding and give her the space she needs. It is also possible that she had felt slighted when you found the love of your life. You moved on but nothing moved for her, except that she was no longer your constant companion or confidant.

On your side, you were probably all about your main love at first and even though you put your best friend in second place after your spouse, you expected them to be sitting there willing and able to be around like before you got hitched. Only during the months that you were probably too self involved, they got the hint and moved on a little.

Things change with marriage. You see her as being self involved and she sees you as being greedy, and needy. Your friendship was easier before because there was no compromising. Now, you have to compromise to make it work.

Be honest with her and honest with yourself. You have to have a grown up relationship that will involve more privacy and independence. She’s realized she can no longer depend on you alone for her happiness pretty much like you discovered you can’t depend on your spouse alone.
As you get older, money, children, spouse, home and jobs and other friends will all play a role in your lives. Other people and responsibilities and even physical health will come between your friendship.

The only way for it to work is for both of you to be honest with each other about what you need and expect in this adult friendship. Once you do that, then you can see whether or not you two are compatible any longer. You both have to be willing to give each other space and support when needed while knowing that your need doesn’t trump the other.
I’ve had to let go of my childhood best friend when I saw we were not on the same page.
There is also the added burden of out growing each other or growing in different directions. It’s possible she hasn’t matured and you have or vice versa.

I am not the same person I was 30 years ago. And at 30, I already wasn’t the same girl who met my best friend. Nor was she the same person.

@janbb Great answer!

There’s actually a whole constellation of support groups like AA, and some of them are specifically focused on personal relationships. Codependency Anonymous is for people who generally feel out of control in their personal relationships. I’ve also found it very helpful to read books on the subject and do some journaling about it. Codependency is when you feel compelled to take care of/ control the people around you, feel responsible for other people’s emotions, feel worthless, like a victim, or like your needs are never met. I explain it to people as “basically, like the mother in Everybody Loves Raymond.”

There’s a related group called al-anon, which focuses on the families of alcoholics and addicts. But there’s a big overlap between the two groups and they share many behaviors.

Going to support groups has totally changed my freaking life. It’s kind of like free therapy with an interactive/ group element. You learn a lot from hearing other people’s stories about their past and their present-day recovery. And eventually you recover enough to help other people, which feels awesome. There’s also a social element, because many groups meet for coffee or dinner afterward. My main group is AA, and the women make a point of getting to know each other so we can give each other advice and emotional support. I’ve also made some great friends there.

Friendships are about friends, not love. That’s where I suspect your problem lies. You understand what you mean by “friend” but people like me don’t.
If you want a lover, get a lover. Leave your friends out of it.