What was/is the relationship with your father like?

Abusive drunk that threatened to kill us if my mom dared leave him and said that since he was was rich a judge would always give us to him if she tried to divorce. And again.. The whole kill us thing. My mom beat him to the punch.

I am glad the fucker is dead.

Did your Mom get any of his money? She was more than entitled to combat pay plus some resources to raise his children.

A close minded ignoramus who did not listen to or take advice from anyone.
Now he had his toe amputated because he ignored his diabetes.
Serves the fucker right.

I am lucky to have a good dad. My relationship with him is pretty ridden with guilt though. He was basically a workaholic while I was in high school and we rarely saw him, and when he did he was really grumpy from working long hours. I felt responsible for his work situation because he had my medical bills to pay. It was a tough thing to deal with at the time. Now I have learned some things about the relationship with work that I don’t want to have and have been careful to keep my work/life balance in check. But I fear having children and losing my life to caring for them.

My parents were divorced when I was six, my dad would take us (I have 2 brothers) out on weekends, then birthdays & xmas, then…well, nowt!
Not seen him for around 16yrs now & ever since I became a dad I cannot comprehend how a father can cut himself off like that. I worship the ground my kids walk on & that behaviour is totally alien to me, I have no malice toward him, only pity, he missed out on awesome grandkids for sure

My dad grabbed my ass in front of my girlfriend at a family dinner. Its been 16 years since I have seen him. The girlfriend is in denial so we stopped talking to each other In Facebook 4 years ago. I would think that if my father manned up to his mistake and told my university friends that I was telling the truth about him that they would welcome me back.

It was really good. He taught me so much yet was very humble. As I said on the other Fathers Day thread, he was much smarter than he gave himself credit for. He worked in aeronautics as a salesman, but he easily could have been an engineer. After four years on an aircraft carrier and forty years selling parts, he knew so much about airplanes.

He taught me about music from Led Zeppelin to Miles Davis to Chet Atkins to Yes. He sang in a local blues band too.

He was at every single one of my baseball games and practices for ten straight years. Never missed one.

We shared a lot of interests as I got older and were almost friends as well.

His only failing really was that he never stood up to my mother and was almost beat down by her in the end. I would ask him, “Why do you put up with her abuse?” And he would say, “What else am I supposed to do?” It made me sad to see him that way.

I miss him almost daily.

My Dad was devoted to his family. Despite being raised to not show too much emotion, he participated in our lives as best he could.

My father was proud of how his kids turned out and how great his grandkids were.

My father was in ICU for over a month before he passed away. During that time my therapist asked me if I had any “unfinished business” to resolve. I honestly answered no, we were both assured of each other’s love and concern.

Pretty good, always has been and still is.

Poor.
My father was distant with me and physically abused both my mother and sister.
He’s dead these past few years, and I have a hard time dredging up a memory of a happy time with him.
I severed all ties with both my parents when I was about 22 and I’m 55 now.

My dad’s dad killed himself with a gun when my dad was 14. On the rural property where I was raised. My dad was the one who found him, dead, outside, in a wooded area.
Too late in the year for my Mother’s Day cheer! ~

Like a roller coaster ride. His mood swingles a lot and he never has a middle ground. When he is angry he screams like a maniac but he forgets everything as quickly as when he gets angry. He is also an extremist and doesn’t have a will to learn anything new. We get into lots of quarrels and disagreement. I have never hated him a single time though. I acknowledge that he does care for the family and works hard to maintain it to this day. Quarrels, sure, but lots of good time too. He is a bit overprotective to me, always asking every detail of where I am going to go and reminding me to answer his phone call. At least he knows I’m his daughter and not invisible.

He died from leukemia when he was 32 (I was 4). I’m 65 now and I still remember his strong voice and strong hands guiding me (He referred to me as “the little boy” not by my name) in and out of the shower, to the vomit bag on an airplane, going for a walk and taking naps. Also a colpdoscope of faded memories still flash through my mind of him. Not much of a relationship. Short, sad and very powerful.

I had a fantastic dad and a fantastic relationship with him. He was kind, funny as hell, patient and understanding. He worked hard but always took time out to take up to parks and beaches and have fun with him. He sang badly, was a great dancer, no matter how tired he was. He always made time for us. Tucked us into bed, played with us like he was 10, but was extremely responsible. He loved family. Ours and his siblings and his mom. He loved God and lived strongly by the Golden rule. Even when life gave him a hard time, he would find humor in it and always knew how to make others smile. He always believed in Gods plan but made sure to do his bit in making the world better. He was the kind of guy who could get robbed and say it’s ok. The robber needed it more or he wouldn’t have robbed him. He died just 2 months shy of my 19th birthday. He will forever be missed and loved. Especially on days like today.

I was born late in life as an only child. My father was 45 when I was born. He is long gone now but would be 102 if her were still alive. He was an Architect, and INTP personality and he sired a female ENTP with a designing eye and sharp mind as well.

Other than that he was a self centered man that really wasn’t into being a father or a husband. I think he had been a bachelor for too long to try the whole marriage and baby gig. haha

My Dad passed away 32 years ago. I miss him every day. On good days I dream of him. Those are welcome visits.

I was the child who was closest with my dad. He was a needy man who had high expectations for family life that never were met. He’s overall a good man who made some bad mistakes, which my sister doesn’t forgive him for so basically the whole burden of a child making a parent happy falls on me. It is a burden.

Luckily, my dad has a good sense of humor and is adventurous, and so there is all sorts of good.

Some of the bad is he hates that I don’t like to read, and that I don’t want to be a professional with some sort of title, and that I don’t aspire to make a million dollars.

I’m quickly angered by him to be honest. He never shuts up. No break when he is around. I hate feeling like that. I’m on overload already. He sucks at figuring out when people have had enough.

My dad took us on great trips in the summer, around the US and Canada to see historic sites, and visit extended family. I still travel like that, I want to see the local forts and ports and factories, etc.

He had a cool job (journalist) that I admired. He took me to work a few times when I was a kid and afterwards I always felt welcome to drop in.

Until I left my home town at age 20-something, I would bike downtown to say “hi”. He introduced me to the other writers and the pressmen and the photographers and they would give me personal tours of their workday. Looking back, I am grateful they spent the time with me, and I think it’s because they liked my dad.

Dad had tools and a workbench and I inherited his do-it-yourself ethic. It was odd to me when I learned that some people couldn’t change a tire on a car or they didn’t own an electric drill and a few saws.

Dad died in 2003. And we didn’t have the best relationship. But when I remember him, he sure invested his life in his kids, and I remember a lot of great times.

My best friend’s father died this year. I told him, “you are going to be surprised how often he isn’t there.

You will think ‘I’ll call Dad for advice!’ And nope, you can’t.

You will think ‘This is cool, I will send Dad a picture!’ And nope, you can’t.

Anyway, thanks Dad. You did a good job.

I had a good relationship with my dad. I was very close to him. He was one of those special people you could always go to for guidance and he was okay if you didn’t take his advice. My mum died when I was quite young, and this was at a time when support services were not available. While he needed support from family and friends after my mother’s death, he kept the family together. I think that demonstrates his strength and commitment to us. However, he also demonstrated weakness and there were times when we needed him to act and he didn’t. Probably because to do so would have created more hardship all round. It’s easy to be a critic from here. However, I think back to things that happened, and I feel I would have made different decisions. Overall, I think I was lucky to have my dad as my father. He was a good, kind and wise man. Not perfect, but that in itself is an important learning experience for kids. To realise even their perfect parents are not perfect.

My father is intelligent, witty and loving and will do whatever he can to help his children. I won the lottery.

Physical: Crappy to non-existent.

Spiritual: Awesomely great, surpassing fantastic.

My dad worked really hard to support his big family. He served his country for over 20 years, including a stint in the Merchant Marines during WW2. When he retired from the army, he worked shift work at a few different factories, finally settling into working at a local paper mill. He wasn’t always wise with his words, but he was wise in his way. He could come across racist, if you didn’t know him. He never met a man he wasn’t prepared to like, but he never learned to use his words in a more delicate manner, so he might use very non-pc words to describe someone, but there was never any hate or mistrust behind it. He took us camping and fishing and he even took me hunting once, but we never did fire a shot. As he said to me, he had done enough hunting in his lifetime that he was more than happy for just a nice walk in the woods. I was last born, so I only knew him as an older man. He quit drinking (both he and my mother) when they realised the effect it was having on the family. I was 11. He loved listening to recordings by Leo Buscaglia. http://www.buscaglia.com/biography He was my favourite cheerleader. A couple words with him, I felt like the bad grade I just got was nothing at all, and I could still go and conquer the world. He believed in my art and always thought I should do more with it. Dad died almost 8 years ago, just before my 40th birthday. Mom and Dad went through a rough patch before they both stopped drinking. Dad moved out for a while. Mom had had enough. There were 7 of us kids at home at the time. Dad would park his truck and watch us all leave the house and go to school every morning, just to feel close to us. When Mom saw this, she took him back and they sorted things out. There was no shortage of love that man could share, even if he didn’t always have the right words for it. He could also be unwise, impulsive, selfish, hurtful, but he was just a guy, a product of his time who really did his best.

My father was an all-rounder and wanted me to become like him. Always insiatant that one should take part in extra-curricular activities be it plays, story telling and stuff like that. As per him these are as important as studies for being a well rounded person. He passed away 10 yrs. ago after brief period of illness.
It was really shock for my family as he was having no symptoms of any disease not even high bp.
He was inspirational to me and always will be..

I loved my dad and he loved me. He taught me all the things a boy needed to know to become a man and later when I worked out of his office and he taught me all the things a young man needed to know to be successful in business. He taught me how to do things, how to work hard and get results and most of all he taught me how to be a dad, love your wife and raise a family and have a ton of fun along the way. My mom deserves half the credit too as they were really great parents and walked the walk and why I am who I am today and have 2 great sons of my own. Happy Fathers Day Dad….missed you yesterday.

When I was a young kid, he was my best friend. He taught me how to read and how to tie my shoes and ride my bike. He sat with me at the dinner table for ages no matter how long it took me to finish my math homework. He told me stories and gave me a deep love for literature at an early age. He built a playhouse for me and took me to Karate class and showed up at my school plays.

And he drank a lot and was depressed often and had a violent temper – which he took out on the walls while my mother took out her violent temper on him. He’d often not come home from work and we’d find him passed out on the front porch in the morning since my mother would lock him out of the house.

And he played video games with us and sometimes let us skip school if we had a good game going, and he stayed up all night with me when I was sick and couldn’t sleep, and he brought home “sick day presents” – a small toy or a comic book – which is a tradition I carried through to my own child.

And when I was eight I lost him when my mother moved us across the country. He never sent a letter back when I wrote to him (unless my mom didn’t tell me about it. Wouldn’t put it past her).

We visited once when I was ten and we went to the Museum of Natural History and we stayed up all night watching Bewitched and eating watermelon.

And he visited once when I was twelve and we talked about music and he told me I should marry someone that makes me feel like a queen instead of a princess, and then he walked to a bar. After he flew back home my mother made me tell him I didn’t want to speak to him anymore.

And my brother got a letter from him when I was 16, right after 9/11. And that was the last time any of us ever heard from him.

These are some sad, sad stories…

My dad was good dad. I was the oldest of 3 girls. He didn’t quite know what to do with us. He was fun, he’d tell us funny stories on the many road trips we took each summer. He taught me how to drive. Once, during a family road trip to Texas, he let me drive. I had just gotten my driver’s license. I asked him what it was like to do100 mph in the car.
He said, “Well, let’s find out!”
I hit 98 before Mom yelled, “JOE!!!” for which I was glad. That was a little scary.

He took very good care of the family financially. He took his family responsibility very seriously.
He was distant, emotionally. He didn’t want to be, but he was.

When I was 23 he remarried and moved to Georgia. I just didn’t have much of a relationship with him after that, not that I did before.

After he died I had one dream about him. I was about 2 years old, sitting in the kid seat of a grocery cart. My dad walked up and I was so happy to see him! I held out my arms…and he stopped, confused. He looked at me like he didn’t know who I was or what to do.
And that pretty much summed it up. He knew me, I knew him, but there were no long talks, that kind of thing.

I also won the lottery in this case. Neither of us show our feelings nor do we ever say anything out in the open. Surprisingly the love and respect is right there. We may not share our feelings yet there is definitely love and concern even though we don’t even live on the same continent. The man has always done the best he could for us and sacrificed so much to see that we had all we needed and more. A reliable, honest, wise man with great depth of character. I got my strong sense of responsibility from him. May whatever time is left treat him well and mercifully. I wish that for both my parents. I was truly lucky.

We were imperfect, but cool enough that we share mutual love and respect for one another.

No complaints. I’m lucky.

Unfortunately not good. He has a very short temper and seems constantly frustrated, which often he takes out on us whenever we see him. Three years ago he left home and then eventually divorced my mother, after years of abuse to her, and myself sometimes. I’m quite envious of people who I see have good relationships with their fathers… I know neither me or my siblings will ever have that.

I seriously think he has some sort of god complex, he’s intimidating, shouts a lot, doesn’t like to be corrected, and can be very controlling and seems to think anything he does for us (which isn’t very often) is a huge massive favour that we should be thankful for and worship him for it.

A sense of entitlement that stems from nothing… he doesn’t support us in any way, financial or otherwise. His attitude stinks, always looks at us in a disapproving frown, demands to be listened to and respected despite the way he treats us. He’s an arrogant jerk, with a narrow mindset. He won’t accept other people’s views an opinions… his way or the highway kinda thing. What’s further upsetting is that he can be very misogynistic and sexist at times too.

It’s quite exhausting mentally and emotionally, whenever he comes to visit there’s always a tension present prior to him coming, as if we’re all preparing for his negativity. The thing is, he does care on some level, but nowhere near enough as a father should do. He hasn’t totally abandoned us, but kept us in his life for his own self satisfaction… to avoid guilt I think. Actions speak louder than words I always say, and his actions show that he always has an excuse to avoid his parental responsibilities, but when it comes to parental rights, he’s first in line to demand them.

@MilkyWay read up on pathological narcissism, your description sounds textbook.
Impossible people to deal with, totally impossible! I have known 2 or 3 in my life and now, and unless you understand the nature of the beast you are dealing with they will fuck you up! haha

@MilkyWay May I ask…how far is he removed from immigration from another country? My husband tends to be just that way, but not as bad as your dad. I know he got it from his dad, who was the son of a Greek immigrant. “A man’s home is his castle.”

My grandparents immigrated from Holland. I see that same mindset in the men of my grandparents, and even the women, although with the woman it’s just “Do what I tell you and don’t ask questions!” And they yell a LOT. It seems to dilute itself with each generation. Folks from the old country tend to be very, very opinionated and violent. Maybe they had to be. I don’t know.

My parents just visited and my dad literally almost had me wanting to go to the looney bin. I have never felt like I wanted to throw myself against walls, but I was to that point. I’m so disappointed. I think I try to ignore how upset he can make me, but I was reminded this week.

@JLeslie: Maybe he’s getting a bit demented or anxious due to his old age, and that’s affecting his personality in a negative way.

@jca He’s always been unable to tell when someone has reached their limit, and has always been somewhat narcissistic. He is having some trouble with his memory, which I blame on his surgeries and medication more than natural aging. It’s been a problem for more than a few years, and does make it even worse to deal with him, but it isn’t the main problem. It’s more like annoying, foggy, memory things. Mostly, like he doesn’t give a shit what other people are saying so he doesn’t listen and in turn doesn’t remember things we have said.

I do think age might be making it worse again though. I don’t dismiss your point. I had a lull with him for about 10 years. Once he retired he was more relaxed. Now, it’s ramping up again. Plus, the stress I have been under adds to it. Not only my shorter fuse, but also I can’t tolerate anyone making one more demand on me. Plus, he is anxious about the hard time I’m going through and trying to relieve his own anxiety, which is making everything much worse!

I’ve decided I can only tell him everything is great.

@JLeslie: Your story about his deterioration is reminding me why many times, older people are prescribed anti-anxiety medications.

@Coloma I have read up on it before, and yes he may as well be. Unfortunately both my parents have shown alarming signs of being narcissistic. It may sound selfish but I’d really like to limit interaction with my parents… they’re impossible to get along with and the toxic negativity gets too much.
@Dutchess_III He was born and raised in England, his parents were both immigrants from India and Africa. He didn’t grow up with his father, and his mother is quite… controlling. Maybe he got that from her. Though I do know his father was violent towards women in the past. Maybe they did feel insecure as immigrants, who knows? That or they just had controlling and arrogant personalities. “My way is always the right way.” Its sad and frustrating.

@jca I’ve said for years he could use anti-anxiety meds. 40 years. He would never take it. He doesn’t perceive himself as anxious. He thinks bensos are evil. I don’t know what he thinks about SSRI’s, but like I said he doesn’t even think he needs meds to begin with.

I have a brother like that what you guys are describing and I’ve had to cut him out completely and all of his kids have moved several states away. They tolerate him, but in small doses at max once a year. In my brother’s case, he participates avidly in self help groups and medication, but that seems to just enabled him to add a vocabulary to his abuse that is even more offensive.

@cazzie I know exactly what you mean. That’s not my dad, but another person in my family I feel was made worse by AA type support groups. She isn’t an alcoholic, but went to meetings at the suggestion of a psych field friend as a way to get free help and support. It’s like now she is more a victim than ever, having this group of people who almost all feel abused and victimized and have excuses for their behavior. If she surrounded herself with happy people who look forward she would be better off in my opinion.

@MilkyWay Limiting or severing contact with these types is not selfish, it is self preservation. We are so conditioned to think that one must stand by family, no matter what. Nope, it matters not WHO the person is, if they are causing you constant stress, grief, anxiety and misery, dump their toxic asses.

Amazing, we loved each other so very much. We were very alike. I love him with all my heart, he is a true hero and a wonderful wonderful man.