Has anyone else been through this? What's your experience?

I’m going to take a guess here, but keep in mind that since I don’t know you at all, it really is just that; a guess.

One of the main things that turn a guy off (or attracts the WRONG kind of guy who perceives you as easy prey) is a desperate type of vibe. An overeagerness, for lack of a better word.

It might not be any specific thing that you’re doing or not doing but just that a relationship seems such an unattainable goal for you that it’s impossible for you to be relaxed about it.

Everything becomes fraught with more meaning than it should have and you’re basically a nervous wreck inside (regardless of whether you think it shows outwardly )

Thats the type of vibe that tends to make most guys skittish enough to run in the opposite direction.

As I said, that’s my best guess. However, if this continues to bother you, you might want to consider giving therapy a try with the goal of identifying exactly why this continues to be a pattern for you.

A good therapist will have the skillset to ask enough questions to enable you to figure out what’s going on.

There doesn’t necessarily have to be any major pathology in order for someone to benefit from therapy. Look at it as getting to know yourself better.

Give it some serious thought.

…I don’t see how this turned into me needing therapy…but ok

My daughter is 28 now but she too did not have her first serious boyfriend until she was 21–22.
She is now living with LT boyfriend number 2 the past several years.
Don’t panic, you are very young. I was married at 21 and wish I had your problem, nooo, I had to marry the first guy that came along and was really interested. haha

Big mistake. Except for my daughter, of course.
Just relax, be yourself and let things unfold naturally without all the stress. At 21, you have decades to go when it comes to relationships. Hang loose kiddo.

Hey Virgogirl826. So. You didn’t mention if you went to places you might meet guys. If you’re looking to beef up your comfort level talking to guys, try parties , or gatherings. Those places are sure to at least get a guy to talk to you. The guys at parties are probably going to be drunk, and maybe classless, but it’s important to know how to talk with them. I caution you, that most guys your age are probably just looking for a quick hook up. Most will say whatever they think will get them laid the fastest, so don’t trust them. I feel you might benefit from multiple interactions with guys to decrease some of the tension or whatever might be keeping you single. Once you have practiced telling guys no, then you’re ready to try for a real target. Maybe a local sports bar (not a hole in the wall) would be a next step. Most guys like sports, and there are many ways to break the ice when talking sports. There are no rules when someone is wearing a jersey. They make themselves open for conversation when they wear it. Maybe you could pick a local team, or find a sport and choose a team. Maybe with some colors you like.People are usually pretty open to there own team. Or you might start a conversation if people don’t like your team. You may find yourself invited to a table and start making new friends. Plus, a girl that’s into sports is attractive. Sports bars are usually a place where you don’t find the same crowd as an actual bar, in a good way. Like alcohol or not, it loosens people up. You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to. You could drink cola and nobody would know.

If you’re religious, try a church gathering. I’m trying to think of places you could find a real guy who isn’t just looking to score…
Obviously online dating is big now too. Just be very wary of whom you meet. People online can be deceptive, or even dangerous.

Another thing to consider is you may have your standards set too high. If you’re looking for Orlando Bloom, with lots of money , perfect answers to everything and a perfect liking of your interests, you may need to come back to reality. I don’t mean to insinuate you aren’t attractive, just saying…
Bottom line is don’t get discouraged. Most guys are going to disappoint you anyway. We’re simple creatures. You don’t need a bag of tricks to find a decent guy. Most of us have a few interests that we invest most of our time in. The rest of the time we think about sex (all the time really.) You should be happy you don’t have 3 kids from 3 different men. Then you’d really have something to be upset about.
Take your time, and find the right guy. You’ve got to get out there though.You can’t win if you don’t play.

Remember, don’t trust a man until you’ve known him awhile. Please be safe in your endeavors, and use a condom, NO MATTER WHAT. Buy some, and keep them on you. DON’T LET THE GUY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SAFE SEX, HE WILL FUCK IT UP…
Good luck. Peace n love.

Seriously…don’t try so hard. You can’t find love, just do the things you love to do and love will find you.

The first great love of my life turned out to be gay. It happens. We never dated… we just went to the same church and were best friends and everyone just kind of assumed we’d get married eventually. So did I. Didn’t happen.

I was 20 when I started dating my first boyfriend. Our ninth wedding anniversary is in six days.

I hated hearing this advice when I was a young, single adult, but, if you just do you, the person most attracted to who you are will come along. Find someone who already likes doing the things you love to do. The best way to do that is to be doing the things you love to do.

@Coloma What is an “LT” boyfriend? Lean and Tall? Loving and Trusting? Lusty and Thorough? Large and Tumescent? The mind reels.

Gawd, you don’t need therapy, kid. Navigating life at your age is hard. You’re sailing in unknown waters through a narrow strait with rocky coasts on both sides. At night. I think there is a lot of good advice above, especially about knowing and being who you really are. Stick to your guns. I really think the more intelligent you are, the more difficult it is—and you seem quite intelligent. Don’t overthink it. Just relax and keep your eye on your objectives. Relationships are peripherals, not objectives—they are rewards for holding your true heading. It will all come to you.

@Espiritus_Corvus Haha, Long Term… but I like all of your creative twists.

If you haven’t kissed or anything – how are you getting into situations where you would be telling people about your feelings for them? that seems incredibly awkward for them.

Telling people about your feelings is not a first move. An invitation to have coffee together is a first move.

Do you ever ask people you’re interested in out for coffee/movie/museum/walk?

@BellaB I’m pretty sure I can tell someone my feelings for them w/o having kissed or anything before… gee, I didn’t know that was a requirement. And I would rather tell someone how I feel about them before I invite them to coffee/movie/walk or whatever so they know I’m interested and I can know in return whether they’re interested back or not. But since they never are, no, I haven’t.

I’ll second what @Espiritus_Corvus said!

Maritime metaphors and all..what else do we expect from an old salt~!

I don’t think @Buttonstc was suggesting anything too terribly deep when he suggested talking to someone. He’s guessing that she has some insecurities and that talking to a professional might help recognize what they are and how they can be overcome.

I was going to a counselor recently. I wasn’t depressed, I’m not insecure, I’m not anxious, I’m not manic depressive, I have no personality disorders. She said, ‘Well, why are you here?”
I said, “Just someone to talk to so I can get a different perspective of some things that are bothering me.” She was, actually, a great help. Gave me some great insights. It was like talking to a wise best friend.

I’m with @Buttonstc. Find someone to just talk to, someone who can get to know you better than we can when all we have are a few paragraphs about you, someone who can offer advice that we can’t.

I also agree with him that you may be coming off as “desperate.”

@VirgoGirl826 , the person has to get to know you, to be comfortable with you , before you start talking to them about your feelings.

Springing your feelings on them before going out… that ‘s just a mess waiting to happen.

@BellaB I guess I should’ve mentioned that they were guys I had already been friends w/ a for a while :/

@VirgoGirl826 – they’re not guys you’re going out with.

It’s a different thing from being friends. It’s great if relationships start as friendships but it seems you’re trying to rearrange the natural steps.

@BellaB I guess I need to make myself clearer all around. The guys that I’ve told my feelings to did start out as my friends; it’s not like they were some random people that I just decided to confess my love to. I’d already hung out w/ them plenty of times, we were already comfortable or whatever. Unfortunately, I started to like them as more than just friends, which just made things complicated.

You kind of have to date them before you talk to them about your romantic feelings for them.

If they’re not asking you out – you have to ask them out.

Once you’ve been going out for a while (several months) – then you talk to them about your feelings..

__

hanging out with friends does not equal dating

I agree with @BellaB.

Do you start to feel like you’‘re in love with many of your guy friends @VirgoGirl826? I ask because people’s feelings usually start changing in relation to only one person, but you mention multiple “guy friends” who you’ve approached with new found feelings of love.

@Dutchess_III One was in high school, and the other was years later in college. I’ve never had that many guy friends to begin w/, and out of all the guys I’ve liked over the years from elementary to now in college (7), only 3 of them have really been my friends and I only actually confessed my feelings to two of them, the two I’m talking about. Most of the other crushes were more “admire from afar” type situations, only to find they’re unavailable or not interested

That’s how it goes with many if not all…you aren’t the only one with this issue. So just wait for the right moment / person to appear in your life and everything will be alright..Be Positive!!

@VirgoGirl826 and…from the voice of maturity, this is really important, ask yourself if YOU really like the guy and are not liking him just because he seems to like you.
Girls/women, often end up liking someone just because they show an interest in them, not from a place of free will and choice.
YOU must make your own determinations based on your likes/dislikes, wants/needs, preferences, etc. Remember, YOU are in charge, don’t give your power away girl!

I was like that. The problem turned out to be that I thought about it too much and tried too hard. Relax. Don’t think about it. Be yourself. And if it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t, well, accept the possibility now.

I still agree with @Buttonstc about finding someone with some psychology background to talk to. And let us know.
Good luck.

I think you should let this situation go. The more you get stuck on this issue, the later you get what you want. It’s just how this universe works. All you need to do is to believe everything will be okay.
Even if you don’t believe in a power of positive thinking, such attitude will help you to succeed in this field, because now you won’t do things like confessing your love or somewhat that makes you look a soft target.