[UPDATE/OPINION NEEDED] Cutting Ties with Toxic Parents?

You have done the right thing.

My only question for you to think about: is reconciliation at Alll possible? If so, what would it require?

But I urge you to stay strong, and not reach out to them.

@zenvelo; Reconciliation COULD be possible…if they changed. They’d have to drastically NOT demean me and NOT talk shit about me. They’d also have to acknowledge all the abuse they inflicted on me, which will never happen because when I confronted my mom about when my dad laid hands on her (the ONLY time my dad ever laid hands on anyone in the family)... She denied it. Laughed. Then said, “Oh well that was just one time…”

I would only recommend coming up with a specific action they must take in order to give you cause to open up. Not demeaning, not whatever, the absence of an action is too simple, and can be argued with time spent apart, opening you up to further abuse.

In order for me to even consider contact with my mother, she would have to express remorse at being apart from me (not just that I’m keeping her from her grandson) and apologise for causing that parting. She would have to take actual responsibility and claim the fault.

This is non-negotiable on my part.

@Seek Yes, I agree with you 100%. Though, I don’t see that my parents will ever take responsibility for the abuse as they see it as me having deserved it and them having not done anything wrong. Hello again, by the way! Do you think I did the right thing by burning the bridge?

Sink the ships, burn the bridges, and salt the fields.

No one ever deserves to be abused.

An abuser convincing their victim the abuse is their fault is called “gaslighting”.

@Seek Thank you for your opinion! You seriously are one of the people that helped get me through the hardest part of my life. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for always responding back and providing your insight! I’m hoping that now that I’ve…ex-communicated from them…I can now start focusing on doing things in my life that make me genuinely happy WITHOUT having to worry about their negative opinions on it. BTW, I’m getting married in August! We’re eloping to Vegas! His best friend (also my friend as well) is going to walk me down the “aisle”.

Good you set boundaries and refuse their abuse.

Just keep in mind that you’ll never know if they come to remorse if they cannot contact you. Keeping one line of communication available to them would allow leaving messages. You could avoid the calls, not respond… or a voice recorder (Total Recall) comes in handy for documentation.

Severing all ties completely is sometimes the answer and I hope you find peace in this decision. But your tone seems to have some hope, very little hope, that they might show remorse. And they might, who knows, time can do wonders in some aging parents. But now you’ll never know. It seems you’ve closed the door on your parents, and your pain. But be careful to consider that you may instead have actually closed the door on your last remaining hope… that being, the ability to test if your adult boundaries can affect a change in them… Not overnight… But after some time.

I don’t like closing the door on hope. I don’t believe in the word hopeless.

Your own life seemed hopeless once. But you changed what you needed to and found some hope. That’s proof that people can change. How would you ever know if the same occurred in you parents? Just a small sign of it. How would you know?

Be strong and a good example for others. What you’re doing is important. Proud of you for making a stand. Give Dr. Time a chance. You’ll win. You already have! Bravo!

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies They can reach out to me via e-mail. That’s the only way they’d be able to reach out to me now at this point. I haven’t shut that down, so if they did want to reach out to me…they could easily e-mail me and we could communicate that way.

They never communicated much with me anyway. They’d always expect me to reach out to them first, so if I never called or texted them…they never got in contact with me unless there was some kind of major event happening (like Father’s Day).

This is going to sting, but it is unlikely that your parents will change.

They both have mental illnesses, sadly nearly all people with these sort of personality disorders never recover. If they do “snap out of it” this usually happens around one’s late 30’s.

Your mother especially is frustrated that she can not project her narcissism onto you. In her eyes she is perfect. To her you can’t be perfect unless you emulate her completely and constantly feed her out of control ego.

I’ve seen cases just like this over and over. The attempt to buy your gratitude (paid phone), the lack of interest in your pursuits, The poisoning of your sister against you, the accusations of lack of interest in their lives. The criticism regarding the puppy (your adoration should be directed at your perfect, long suffering, selfless, deeply loving mother, not another being like a puppy) They most likely will never realize that it is impossible to control another person. They use their parental status as an excuse to try.

The letter was an excellent idea though as is usually the case the letter writing did more to confirm your feelings to yourself than actually educate them about anything. At least now they have a permanent statement that they can refer to should they ever be able to consider their faults.

The sister. Do everything you can to keep her as an ally. She feels caught in the middle. Your parents are highly manipulative and will say anything to try to keep her on their “side.”

Attend a support group for children of ill parents. Consider group therapy for yourself. Some programs allow the parents to attend so that the therapist can act as mediator. Usually the parents are all too ready to incriminate themselves as to their denial. It will certainly be a learning experience for you.

You have severed the ties, taken a stand and defined personal boundaries. You are on your way to a better life.

I agree that you should not give up hope completely. People can change sometimes. Do leave a means of communication open on your terms. If a communication does not go exactly how you wish say or type “I’m hanging up now.” in so many words.

We’re proud of you. The hardest part is behind you.

That’s wonderful. Good mature strong attitude you display. Great life ahead for you.

Be patient. Be kind when it seems impossible.

Newest therapy informs us that our abusers were victims of their own circumstances. Their lack of empathy was bred into them. Any one of us might do the same if subjected to their upbringing.

This is hard to accept because it can be viewed as turning the abuser into the victim, and missing the point of addressing the current victim’s suffering. That’s not the case at all because you as the current survivor have put an end to a generational trauma reenactment. You stopped it. You cleansed the bloodline of your entire family lineage. Don’t underestimate what an incredible achievement that is. Not only have you saved yourself, and your future generations, but you’ve also made the world a better place by stopping an abusive pathogen from infecting the future.

Just be careful because defeating the pathogen on one front can get your guard down on another. These battles are fought on many levels. Some not so apparent. Their lack of empathy and remorse towards you is the enemy. That is the pathogen. Their inability to see things from your perspective is the real devil. That is the sickness. Careful not to let that infect you. You’ll know if it has if you cannot show them empathy for the lottery of life they grew up with to foster their abuse of you. If you can understand them, then you have overcome the pathogen altogether. If you cannot understand them, then you may be carrying it further.

Empathizing with the conditions that created your abuser is one of the most difficult things a human being can possibly do. That’s one of the insurance policies of the pathogen. But I assure you, if you can, without ever accepting or justifying their abuse, but if you can try to understand and empathize with them, you will come to see the bigger picture in strength and love. This doesn’t mean that you ever have to speak to them again. It doesn’t mean you have to forgive them. But trying to understand them will be absolute proof that you have not become like them, and have truly overcome the pathogen not just in yourself, but for your entire future lineage.

Good on you @Aubs427.

@SecondHandStoke I do have a means of communication as they can e-mail me if they really wanted to say anything to me. I don’t know if they’d actually go as far as to e-mail me once they figure out that the phone is turned off, but like my best friend said, “If they truly want to reach out and get a hold of you, there’s always an e-mail that they can send.”

I think you did the right thing. Whether or not reconciliation is possible in the future is not the issue today. This is never an easy place to come to, and brace yourself for the idea that they may never reach out, which is, somewhat ironically, both devastating and a relief. As much as we need to break away, we want to matter enough to fight for.
As the “child” here, (whether or not you are an adult) you are expected to be the supplicant. Be very careful if they do reach out.

A site that I have found insight on is outofthefog.net. There are people there who have been through this and understand.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies, if you have done this, you must know that it is way more complex than you seem to rate it. It you haven’t, then you may not understand that “hope” is often, in these circumstances, the door that abusive parents keep opening to draw the child back in. If a parent is not open to reconciliation, it is the right thing to have cut off contact.

@Aubs427: I did this after my father died, it was difficult but necessary. My thoughts are with you. There is support in all sorts of places.

Yes @canidmajor these dynamics are incredibly complex.

@canidmajor @RealEyesRealizeRealLies @SecondHandStoke

To add here, I have attempted to confront my mom face-to-face, one on one about her trying to suffocate me when I was young. She was not empathetic. She instead laughed at me and said, “Oh hahaha come on. You know I wouldn’t have actually killed you. Plus, Grandma was there anyway. She wouldn’t have let me.” Pretty much the same response when I confronted her about my dad laying his hands on her. Denies it, then immediately shrugs it off like it was yesterday’s laundry.

I also wanted to add that from my sister’s response of, “What if you don’t talk to them for years or something” in a way tells me that SHE might feel that my parents won’t reach out to me either. My sister is WAY more closer to my parents than I am to them and if I were to go off an assumption off that… I’d say that in a way she probably thinks that my parents aren’t going to reach out BECAUSE they’re too angry about what I did. My mom is the most grudge-holding person I’d ever met in my life. She holds grudges for people for situations that don’t even involve her. She will talk and bring up the past about something that happened 15 years ago and how “angry” it makes her.

I get it. Obvious lack of empathy. A simple “I’m sorry for that” could have gone so far. But you received justification instead of empathy. She didn’t ask you how you felt about it. She told you what to think… Clever tactic. Very seductive tactic. You’re brilliant for not falling for it. You have overcome them. But there may yet be more to overcome.

Try not to allow the lack of empathy to continue within you.

There-in-lies your most difficult battle.

You did what you had to do to survive with your spirit and soul intact.

1. They have abused you for years, only stopping when required by the courts.

2. The verbal degradation by your father is as painful and damaging as the physical abuse by your father.

3. It sounds like you have good friends and a good fiance. Listen to them.

4. It would really help you understand your deepest feelings and how your parents’ abuse has affected you if you would see a therapist.

Have you read the book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life? That will be helpful too.

@marinelife Yes! I actually finished the book and am working on Emotional Blackmail right now. I do have a therapist right now and he stated cutting ties was the best thing to do. My therapist called my parents “evil”.

@Aubs427 I’m so very glad that your fiance, therapist and friends have helped you move on to making this decision.

If I were to make one change, it would be to remove the email contact directly to you. I’d give them someone else’s email address – perhaps your fiance or a more neutral friend – that they would need to use. Let someone who loves you be the filter.

It definitely isn’t easy to do but it is worth it. I broke ties with a physically abusive family member just over 20 years ago and it was wonderful once the reality of never having to deal with her settled in. My parents were very supportive – to the point of banning her from their house and avoiding social situations where she would be. My shoulders and spirit were very lifted by that. Your fiance’s support and therapist’s help will hopefully bring you to a similar place.

I think you have to do what feels good and right to you. If this feels like it’s good right now, keep your distance. If by chance you get curious as to whether or not they’ve changed, reach out to them and say hello. If they’re still acting nasty, take it from there, either by a conversation to try to explain or by retreating again. Repeat as necessary.

Good work. Kicking them out of your life is for the best. They may never change their ways and if the say they did, would you know if it is genuine or permanent? As for your sister, keep her close, but not too close because she might still have some feelings for them.

This must hurt so much. But I think you did the right thing.

If I were you, I’d write down the worst things to keep for reference somewhere, in case time causes you to “forget.” When my ex and I split up, and he started pressuring me to come back, over time I started thinking, “Maybe it wasn’t so bad..” Then I started writing. It WAS so bad. When I felt weak, I’d refer to that list and it restrengthened my resolve. Hell, maybe you could send the list to them someday, let them chew it over.

I’m glad to hear they were upset about the letter. The more time goes on without hearing from you, hopefully the more serious they will take it.

They know how to reach you. Maintain radio silence.

My thoughts are with you.

@Aubs427 Listen to the therapist. They care about nothing but your well-being. Go on and build a strong, happy life without them. Consider moving farther away.

Yes, I think you did the right thing. I would work on yourself for some time before even considering dealing with them again. I would also look out for signs of recreating family relationship patterns with my friends and new family.

I have a hard time relating to your situation because I did not have parents from your culture, and mine were pretty much the opposite. Eventually I realized I still had some anger inside me addressed towards my parents, not their fault but it was great to notice that and process it in healthy settings designed to do that (without them present because it’s really just my own unprocessed feelings). So considering that, I have to think that regardless of cultural and family differences, you must have lots of emotions to process from that childhood. I noticed no anger in your description, though even not knowing you, I feel a lot of anger about the way your parents treated you. It’s not personal, but the behavior seems amazingly awful to me, even if somehow it seems productive or normal to them.

It will very worthwhile to heal that, far away from them.