Funny quotes please?

“If they ever make a movie about my death, they should call it “Die Hard” – the ghost of David Carradine.

“If you can’t explain what you know so a bar maid understands it, you don’t know it.”
~ Albert Einstein, author of the theory of relativity, which he was never able to explain to anybody.

This one cracked me up recently.

“Acting is standing up naked and turning around slowly.” Rosalind Russell

Possibly history’s best clapback:

Bessie Braddock: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.”

Winston Churchill: ‘My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.’

“I told you I was ill” This is what Spike Milligan wanted on his gravestone.

“A boy in the bush is worth two in the hand.”

-Morrissey.

(Sung to The Rolling Stone’s Ruby Tuesday) “Gooooodbye Uday and Qusay. They dropped a bomb on you…”

-Me.

Every day is a great start, to go back to bed. – Someone.

Thank you all..)

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars
– Oscar Wilde

Funny and true and inspirational and smart and beautiful.

We all are humans and has ability to think and express ourselves..but the way greats like Oscar Wilde do it is really amazing!! Hats off !!

I’m a big fan of Yogi Berra’s Yogi-isms.

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

so…

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

@Seek
Why not “Only you can prevent forest fires”?

Well, it was Smokey the Bear that admonished us to prevent forest fires. Yogi Bear was named after Yogi Berra, but it’s my understanding that the baseball player wouldn’t turn down a well stocked pick-a-nick basket, were it offered.

“If you ever accidentally drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because man, they’re gone.”

Jack Handey

“Michael J Fox was shaking like a shitting dog”

His slightly less than sympathetic doctor

If you are not religious, you may appreciate this quote from Nobel laureate physicist Steven Weinberg:

Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

Pierre Desproges:

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Children are so naive. They believes in Santa Claus… Adults are more mature. They don’t believe in Santa. They vote…

It’s important to try and age well. That is to say: without disturbing the youth.

Too risqué to translate:

Plus je connais les hommes, plus j’aime mon chien. Plus je connais les femmes, moins j’aime ma chienne…