What do you say when an acquaintance tells you they have stage 4 cancer and less than a year to live?

Oooo.. Sorry to hear that…

“I’m so sorry!”
“That’s worst case, right? They can never know this things for sure. Sure, prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. People defy those odds all the time.”

Here are things to not say

There is a guideline, comfort in, dumping out. The ailing person is in the center of concentric rings. The spouse and children are in the first ring, parents and siblings in the next ring, best friends in the next ring.

Each ring can complain outward, but only provide comfort inward. And the person in the center can complain all they want. They need you to listen.

Not much you can say except that you are sorry to hear that and then let them know if they need any help you would be more than happy to do anything they need, provided you are in the same, relative area. It is awkward but a fact of life, we are all going to go sooner or later of something, I don’t really get people over the age of 50 or so being shocked to find out they or someone they know has been diagnosed with a terminal condition and is going to die.
It’s not that I don’t get there will be some sadness, of course, but I just don’t think dying i something that should come as a shock to people as they get older. Learning you are dying at 20, 30, even 40 something is a shock, but at 50 something, 60, 70, well…not that unusual.

@zenvelo “They need you to listen.”
I asked, “Oh God. What goes through your mind?”
I didn’t know if that was stupid. I was ready for “What the hell do you think goes through my mind??”
Her answer was ”—i will never get my house cleaned in this short amount of time. – I don’t have time for this shit.”
I said, “Oh Deb. When did you find out?”
She told me (Feb) and I said, “Any chance they could be wrong?”

I guess my next question is…when did you start to know something was wrong? Is that OK? Does she want to tell her story?

@Coloma I don’t care how old you are, it’s a fucking shock, especially when you’re given a date and all you can do is go to sleep and wake up and watch that date come marching in. That wouldn’t come as a shock to you, even being all old and shit, at 57?

Well, apparently she started a private cancer journal. She thought I knew, but I didn’t so she added me to it. I’m reading.
At one point, on IM, she said, “Don’t be sad. I’m OK. :).”
I said, “Oh! Shut up! I am sad and you’re not the boss of me!”
She said, “Lmao!” I hope she meant it.

Were it me, I’d tell them that I had a friend that received a 6 month death sentence, and that he lived for years after.
Because it’s true.
He just kept plugging away at what he liked doing, like he was going to live forever.

What do you say?

I’m very sorry/sad to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help from here ?(if you actually would do something)

When my mother was dying of bladder cancer, she became very insistent on what we (family) perceived as very minor things – like if she asked for 3 pieces of licorice and we gave her more, there would be trouble. A very wise young friend reminded me that my mother didn’t have control over a lot of things in those final weeks so getting the licorice (or whatever) she wanted meant she had control of something.

So, if you can, listen and do what you’re asked to do (if possible).

“Her answer was ”—i will never get my house cleaned in this short amount of time. – I don’t have time for this shit.

That is when one can say, “can I help get it clean it for you?” (I know you may not be physically near her to help). The idea is to offer real help.

A friend of mine has donated her services to this group

http://www.cleaningforareason.org

@Dutchess_III No, I mean sure, it would take a little adjusting but I lost my fear of mortality years ago, I’m at peace with my death, I don’t want it to be painful and miserable but aside from that, I’m at peace. There are no guarantees in life and everything dies, sooner or later.
Really, I am not being callous, just for me, I feel very at peace with my inevitable shuffling off this rock. Lots of people die in their 50’s and 60’s, it is what it is, no use freaking out about it.

I would simply say I will uphold them in prayer.

@zenvelo I think her cry about the house was a bit tongue in cheek….but you know, I’ll ask her about it.

Sure, lots of people die in their 50’s and 60’s. And in their teens. And when they’re toddlers @Coloma. No use freaking out about any of it. Everybody dies. But I’m dealing with a real life, flesh and blood person here, not some statistic. I’m trying to do what I can to lift her spirits. I am very sad.
I don’t really understand what your point is when it comes to my question “What do I say?” Are you suggesting I tell her to just get over it, lots of people die in their 50’s. What is your point regarding this individual.?

@HC, I don’t think lying would help a thing. Or is it OK to lie under certain circumstances? BTW she believes she will be with Jesus, so that is a comfort to her.

@Dutchess_III Of course I am not suggesting you say that, I said all we can do is say we are sorry to hear that and offer help. My sideline sharing was just that, not intended to tell this person ” Oh well, what the hell, we’re all dust in the wind anyway.” haha
You said that she said she is okay, sometimes I think the dying person IS more okay than those around are at coming to grips with their situation.

Just encourage the person to keep on fighting and doing whatever is possible. Miracles sometimes happen. Nothing more.

When someone told me this, I said, “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”

She said, “Cancer isn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me.” I asked, “What is?” and she answered, “I don’t know, but this isn’t it.”

I do know that she had lost her father in the Holocaust.

I say “Damn! That’s not the best thing to hear.”
I then ask if they have support.
I also offer to do something: mow the lawn, clean the gutters, change the oil in the tractor… whatever is appropriate. I offer to go out to lunch, or dinner, or breakfast.
I do not say “I will pray for you.”

I would never say “I will pray for you” anymore @LuckyGuy. We’ve been talking. She’s telling me the concerns she has now for her daughter, who is in and out of rehab. She’s just talking.

All you can do is say you’re sorry to hear this news and if you have the capacity, offer to help if there is something she needs that you can help with. Sometimes people going through such things can’t talk to those who are very close to them for fear of causing pain. If you’re close, ask if she wants visitors (if you actually want to visit). Having a friend to take a movie around to watch or to do something ‘non-cancer related’ might be a great relief I’d imagine. If you’re too far away, just say you’re sorry.

Acknowledge all I can think of about how great they are and what they’ve meant to me and others.

I might try to help them plan how to get the most out of what they’ve got left. Bucket list, doing creative stuff they always wanted to do, travel, whatever.

It’s a little difficult because I have known nothing about her since Jr. High, and only reconnected on FB. We went and bought a fridge from her about 2 years ago and that’s the first and only time I’ve seen her in a million years. And…she’s broke. That much I do know. There will be no traveling.
But we made tentative plans to see each other next week. Maybe we can think of something cool, locally, that I can pay for. I’ll think on that. That was a good thought @Zaku. Thanks.

@I can imagine @LuckyGuy coming over and acting like the white tornado if any of us were sick! What a sweetheart.

The other thing to consider @Dutchess_III is that while people may be very there when they first hear her news, their support will drop off. It’s like when someone dies, everyone rallies at first but then their own lives take over. Perhaps put some notes in your calendar to check in with her over the months and years from now. Just a call or send her an email or drop round for a cuppa (after checking she’s up to it). I offered a friend of mine credits for audio books. I had the credits and I never had chance to listen to the books. When you’re sick, holding a book might just be too tiring. Or while she’s going through chemo and the like. Sharing your audio books with her might make a difference. What you do doesn’t need to cost anything. Just consistently being there for her might make all the difference. And that there’s been a break in your friendship doesn’t mean you can’t be a close and caring ally while she fights this battle.

Thanks @Earthbound_Misfit. Good points.

She started her cancer page so I’m keeping tabs on that, and responding, and I guess someone from our class start a funding thing for her. I have yet to check on that.

@LuckyGuy…I don’t feel good and I need someone to finish the Hidden Glen for the grandkids in the back yard that I started today!

If it were an internet friend, which is what it sounds like this person is to you now, I’d say “I’m so sorry. How are you doing?” Then after she told me how she is doing, in as little or as much detail as she wished, I’d say “I’m sending comforting thoughts your way” or “I’m wishing for positive energy from the universe” or something like that. Something along the lines of “I’m hoping for the best.” Then from time to time I’d ask her how she’s doing.

I ask a lot of my internet friends how they’re doing, sick or not. I just like to keep in touch with people.

Oh, I know how to send platitudes. I just….don’t want to do that and only that, and call it good. I put myself in her shoes. And I suck.

I am a director for a not-for-profit prostate cancer support group so, unfortunately,. I see more “short-timers” than the average person.
Here’s my rule of thumb. If they are “believers” and tied to a place of worship I assume they have a support network. I acknowledge the bad news and wish them well.
If they are non-theists with no support, I spring into action.
“Look, I know it is none of my business but are your papers in order?” “I’m a Notary. Do you need anything?” “Does the dog need to be walked?” “Do you have guns in the house?”
I don’t flood them with questions all at once. I meter them out over time when I visit or call.

@jca When our internet friend passed, I didn’t pray.. I contacted her family and went to the funeral (with their permission, of course).

@Dutchess_III @janbb It is always easier to work on someone else’s project. My own seem to languish unfinished for years.

Well, we had a friend who went through a bout with liver cancer. They didn’t really hold out much hope for him here, or in KC. Then his unrelenting wife found MD Anderson Cancer Clinic in Texas. He’s been cancer free for a year. I messaged my friend about it. She said she’d have to be there quite a while (and it’s true. Our friend was there for over a month) and she can’t leave her daughter. Her daughter is a grown woman, but she has issues. My friend said she has the mental attitude of a 14 to 16 year old, depending on the day. I didn’t say anything but….damn. Leave her for a little while, and stay in her life much longer, or don’t go to Texas and be gone forever in a year?