General Question
Does it make you a bad person to hit your parent?
I struggled with severe anxiety and low self-esteem for several years from the time I was 14 years old. I was repeatedly rejected and occasionally even mocked by my peers, whom continuously regarded me as a weird and termed me as being a “socially awkward” outcast. I had no true friends whatsoever and the few people I interacted with usually ended up referring to me as hurtful things, such as “autistic”, “retarded”, “freak” and “psycho”. I became incredibly angry with myself and became self-destructive throughout my adolescence and when coming home, usually got into intense arguments with my mom, by whom I felt misunderstood, which sometimes ended in me hitting her. I never intended to hurt her physically, but did so out of impulse more than once, yet she always forgave me and excused it as me having been depressed and having emotional problems. I hated myself at school and was frustrated with being ignored and never fitting in with people and for a time began to hurt myself by scratching my wrists with a razor. I feel sincerely as if I took out my aggression and frustration against myself and sadly, my mother, who seemed like an obstacle in my quest for self-destruction. I also remember having the most hatred toward myself and the people who mocked and insulted me. She took me to see a psychologist when I was 14 and eventually switched me to a psychiatrist, who agreed I was clinically depressed and also diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder. I did not trust the psychiatrist nonetheless with my violent outbursts at home due to fear of what would happen and possibly being separated from my mom, who was ironically the person I was causing so much pain, yet the only person I had, and instead only disclosed my fears and social issues with her. I felt as if I became calmer for a time, but when I got to college however, I became extremely stressed out after attempting afrotc (a program I did not succeed in) and experienced even more isolation and depression due to both my failing grades and being hurt deeply by a guy I had feelings for. It all culminated in a summer during which I began displaying erratic behavior, such as acting delusionally, stealing petty things without ever getting caught, and spending about 900 dollars from my parent’s credit card on barbie dolls to ease my loneliness and empty feelings. My mother confronted me about this very angrily, urging me to admit myself voluntarily to a psychiatric hospital and receive help, and impulsively, I attacked her and broke a hole in a wall. She anxiously called my father claiming I had had a mental breakdown and needed to go to a mental health hospital, but since I did not want to go voluntarily, since I was delusional and did not understand I needed psychiatric help, he called the police to the house to force me to go to the hospital against my will. Instead, the police interpreted the situation as an assault and I was arrested before my mom bonded me out. After I finally chose to go to the psychiatric hospital, receive medication, and get the appropiate treatment, I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder. I remained a patient in the hospital for about a month after being admitted and when released returned back to school, while continuing therapy. After being properly medicated and treated, I never hit my mother or got into a physical fight with her again, and my court case was dismissed. Still, I feel guilty every single day when I think about the past and about the fact that I ever hit my mother to begin with. I feel like a criminal and as if I deserved a worse punishment and can’t help wondering what kind of daughter hits their mom. Am I a bad person for having hurt my mom all these years, or was I sick and misunderstood? I am not justifying my inexcusable behavior with my illness, but just feel really bad right now. I almost feel like hurting myself for all the times I hurt her. I swear I will never hurt my mother again.
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