A young couple totally on the fence about having children, asks for your opinion what do say?
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SQUEEKY2 (
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August 30th, 2016
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37 Answers
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….”
I did have those talks with one of my children. I tried not to influence the decision either way but I said that for me, it was the most significantly rich experience of my life and I would have regretted not having them. YMMV, of course.
I usually say do a lot of soul searching first, and remember it isn’t a job you can back out of.
But if you both are 100% committed to it then sure but it must be your choice not anyone else’s.
For Mrs Squeeky and I we did just that and found it wasn’t for us, but everyone must make their own choice.
I would tell them to ask someone else
If they’re both not 100% for it, I would not encourage them to have children. Wouldn’t discourage them, but wouldn’t offer any positives either. Might try <a tiny bit> to provoke them to defend the idea of having children.
What my mom is still fond of saying: “If you’ve none to make you cry, you’ll have none to make you laugh”.
she also says this the other way around when the occasion requires
Adopt or buy with an 18 year warranty.
Wait until they’re 30 and only have two. Or one. Or none.
My daughter is on the fence and I tell her to do what she feels is right for herself and her partner. She is just turning 2 so still has time but she is feeling the pressure to make a decision.
My comment won’t get them off the fence. It’s strictly based on my own life experience.
I listened to what everyone else was telling me to do or not do and wound up relying on my gut instinct, which was not to have kids. I’ve never regretted it, and I’ve never advised anyone else one way or the other on this life-altering, most personal decision..
I’d say since you cannot make your own minds up with a 100% commitment to having and raising kids with even the possibility of being a single parent then don’t do it.
Edit: My daughter is turning 29, not 2. haha
I think I’ve linked it here before, so excuse me, but I’ve told people who asked for an opinion to read The Referendum and decide which side of the coin feels more natural to them. I think about that short article a lot when I’m with my kids.
I didn’t have kids until my mid-30’s and I’m still early in the process, with tons to learn, but I think his descriptions of both life before kids and after kids are pretty humorous and accurate. A couple favorite paragraphs…
I may be exceptionally conscious of the Referendum because my life is so different from most of my cohort’s; at 42 I’ve never been married and don’t want kids. I recently had dinner with some old friends, a couple with two small children, and when I told them about my typical Saturday in New York City — doing the Times crossword, stopping off at a local flea market, maybe biking across the Brooklyn Bridge — they looked at me like I was describing my battles with the fierce and elusive Squid-Men among the moons of Neptune. The obscene wealth of free time at my command must’ve seemed unimaginably exotic to them, since their next thousand Saturdays are already booked.
and
Most of my married friends now have children, the rewards of which appear to be exclusively intangible and, like the mysteries of some gnostic sect, incommunicable to outsiders. In fact it seems from the outside as if these people have joined a dubious cult: they claim to be much happier and more fulfilled than ever before, even though they live in conditions of appalling filth and degradation, deprived of the most basic freedoms and dignity, and owe unquestioning obedience to a capricious and demented master.
Whenever my 3-year-old yells “Papa, come wipe my butt!” from the bathroom I think of that last sentence. Whenever she tells me she loves me “big much” or learns something new I’ve been working with her on, I wonder how I would communicate those rewards.
Same answer that I had when you asked this same question before. And probably a few other times, but this is the one that showed up when I did a brief search.
Gosh. I’d have to tell them what my experiences were, the good, the bad, the ugly, the love, the rage, the helpless laughter, all of it.
I don’t know what else I would do.
I would suggest they did not bring more people into the world unless they were well off, fit, healthy, energetic, flanked by loving parents who would make good grandparents and fulfilled so much so that they had space in their lives for another person.
Well, I was all of those when I started (except for the grand parents part,) then life changed. And you know. Goes on.
@RedDeerGuy1 it works, and it’s hilarious, you guys gotta watch it.
Most of us wouldn’t be here if our parents could have truly afforded us. A whole lotta of us 50’s and early 60’s babies were conceived in the backseat at a drive in theater. haha
I’m with @Cruiser on this one. If you’re on the fence, you’re probably not ready.
But for the sake of comedy, I would tell them to go for it, then proceed to recount everything I did as a child and how I single handily aged my parents 15 years in a span of 5.
There were 154 answers on the link provided above, @SQUEEKY2.
I would say it’s a personal decision, and nobody can make it for you. When I told my mom I was pregnant, she said “it adds another dimension to your life.” That was a good description. Now that I have a child, I can’t imagine life without one. I know what life used to be like, but I feel like it would be not as full without her.
The very best thing they could do is babysit overnight. Do they have any friends who would love a night of sleep in exchange for minding their newly-minted little soul?
Minding a Two year old would be even better. Have then make a tic for every time they hear the word- NO!
If older kids are to be watched- keep it at only two for the evening. It’s not cool to make them cry in front of the older kids. Theyll just tell their parents.
@msh: that is really not useful advise at all. Looking after someone else’s kids is not parenting, it’s babysitting. Do you have children? Do you find that a babysitting event of someone else’s kids is representative of parenting? If you do, well, your poor kids.
I think a better analogy is getting a puppy. Being emotionally invested in a baby creature that requires a lot of care is much more akin to parenting than babysitting.
People that have children will tell you that it’s not all happy happy. I have friends with two young adult boys who are going through some tough times with them now. They don’t want to work, parents hand them money and tell them they need to get jobs, parents don’t stick to their guns and the cycle continues. I hear many people say teens are an especially tough age and I know when I was a teen, I gave my parents a hard time. However, I’m willing to bet that 99% of parents will tell you they do not regret having kids.
BUT I know also that people without kids lead very nice lives with a lot of freedom.
I feel that if you never have kids, you don’t know what you’re missing. Unfortunately, for women, if you’re on the fence you have a time limit, commonly referred to as “the clock.” For men, it’s not so much.
If someone probed me for a deeper conversation, that’s what I say.
Well – my son and DIL are officially off the fence. My new granddaughter was born last night!
Congrats @janbb Fabulous news!
Very happy. Got in at 3 a.m. from a Bruce concert last night and woke up to this news!
Way to hijack a thread – sorry @SQUEEKY2.
:D. It’s a happy hijacking!
BUT…actually, I think babysitting some kids for a relatively long term, over night, or a couple of days, would actually be of benefit. Some things would be the same, the never ending moving, the work, the frustrations.
But some things would be different….they aren’t your kids! The overwhelming love is missing, and that’s a biggie.
Also, if a couple is on the fence, I think that’s a good thing. They are actually thinking, and planning for it.
Speaking of, I have volunteered to watch my two youngest every Wednesday, for the whole day, until Christmas. First day was last week. Getting ready to head out now.
I hope Zoey doesn’t pull a repeat of last week during “Quiet Time.” Oh well. We have lots of weeks to learn that it really isn’t torture and it doesn’t hurt,and you might actually like it, if you stop screaming :/.
“Walk away & leave me alone, you fence sitting, dithering gadabouts”
I don’t have children myself, and even if I did, would probably recommend that they decide for themselves…which doesn’t seem very helpful, but I think individuals should decide for themselves if they have what it takes to have children. I like kids, but I also recognize that I am somewhat selfish in that when I get home from work, etc., I need my own space. Feeling the way I do, it would be wrong for me to have kids.
@canidmajor – I miscarried three babies. So I guess that saved ‘my poor kids’, huhn?
Oh, and getting a pet who cannot escape piss-poor care isn’t the best test either.
So, I guess they must just have a leap of faith….
@msh I am honestly sorry you had to go through that.
Using it to shock and guilt me about my disagreement with you doesn’t change the point of my post.
@canidmajor – ah. Well, your opinion also included a nasty and unnecessary swipe. At me, personally. Have I offended you? Oh, don’t need answer. My opinion has not changed ither. On several levels. Have a good day! ;)
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