Why would a grandparent show favoritism towards some of her grandchildren and not others?

My Dad died, and I moved back home to help my Mom make the transition. I was there for about 3 years.
During that time, I married, and my daughter was born while we lived with my Mom. This caused her to develop a much stronger relationship with my daughter than she had with any of the prior or future grandchildren. Even on holidays like Christmas, she did much more for my daughter than any of the others, and everyone saw it. How bad was it? It got to the point where my daughter resented being the obvious favorite. My son, when he was young, pushed his way in between them to get his share of affection.
My wife currently has 3 grandchildren, and we love them all equally, but I don’t doubt that should one of my kids have a child I might have a stronger connection with them, but I will try my best not to let it show.
Regarding your situation, Jon’s sister may have poisoned your family to his Mother, or she may worry that if she is kind in any way to them, she may jeopardize her situation with his sister.
Have your kids telephone her. Make sure they acknowledge her on special days with cards and such. It may be that she feels forgotten.
Or maybe she is just flaky, but you will know you tried.

^^ said just what I was going to say. Have the grandkids send grandma cards, notes and phone calls, be sure to include thank yous for the times she does remember them.

I love @filmfann‘s answer, even though my initial reaction is that the grandmother is behaving horridly. It might help if your kids reach out to her for “occasions”. However, I would also worry that the kids might be hurt if she simply chooses not to respond to their efforts. So maybe also warn them that not all adults behave as they should, and tell them to try not to take it personally if she ignores them, because it’s not their fault.

What a horrible situation for you and your children, and difficult to manage. I agree with encouraging your children to reach out to their grandmother, but I agree with @dappled_leaves that you should alert them to the idea that sometimes adults behave badly. In situations like this, the children may need to act like adults when the adults are doing the opposite. Just be there to listen and give them a hug if they’re feeling hurt. In the end, she is jeopardising her relationship with your children, her grandchildren. That’s sad but outside of your control. All you can do is be there to carry out damage control and to support your children.

Don’t get involved in criticising their grandmother (as much as you might want to). Just be straightforward and honest about her behaviour.

If his sister is a hurtful person and Jon’s mom relies on her for her home she might be giving her grief every time she acknowledges your kids. It might be so subtle that grandma doesn’t realize it but on a subconscious level she knows that her life is easier when she doesn’t rock the boat at home.
Whatever the reason it sucks. I’m so sorry that your family is going through this hurt.

Maybe Jon’s mother is keeping the peace for the sake of her living arrangements, and maybe she’s letting convenience dictate her actions. My mother shows blatant favoritism towards her grandchildren, which has always upset my sibs and me. As lovely as it would be for everyone to have wonderful grandparents, not everyone gets so lucky.
Your daughter is blessed to have your dad, and as it might be a bit hurtful for her, the way her grandmother is, she’s old enough and smart enough to understand what’s going on.
Jon’s mom is being a pill. Better off without much contact.

I’m wondering if it would be possible for one of your children to call up Grandma and have a chat and maybe suggest a day out for lunch or something? Maybe that would help warm Grandma up.

Are your children bothered by the change in the relationship? if not, I’d suggest leaving things alone.

There’s no upside I can see to forcing closer relationships between people who don’t want to be close (for whatever reason).

Is there a gap in your children’s schedule because of the changed relationship with their grandmother? if so, talk to them about what additional activities they want to be involved in.

If your children really miss their grandmother, distract them.

__

As to why – there are innumerable possible reasons – she didn’t like them to begin with – it’s easier not to aggravate the daughter she lives with – she’s got other interests – she’s focusing on herself… the possibilities are literally endless.

Great answers above. Most everyone said what I was going to say.
It doesn’t make it any easier though for your kids to have a grandma to ignore them even if there could be a reason.

Well, I hate to say it, but the answer to your question is… contained in the question itself.

If a grandparent displayed favoritism to all of her grandchildren… then it wouldn’t be favoritism.

But that’s the flip answer.

The serious one is: There isn’t a lot that you can do, short of trying to open up communication with the kids’ grandmother, or having them attempt it themselves. That carries obvious risks: you or they could make things even worse if your mother-in-law has had her attitude poisoned by your sister-in-law. Your sister-in-law could get even more vindictive.

You could even attempt a rapprochement with your sister-in-law yourself. That carries a lot less risk to the kids and their potential to be used as pawns in a battle between the so-called adults, but it’s not entirely risk-free itself.

Gosh. It just sounds like another side of the “flakiness” you mentioned. It takes wisdom and maturity to look beyond squabbles, of the kind you mention, and not involve the innocents who are involved. Sounds like Jon’s mother just doesn’t have that maturity and wisdom.

That hurts. It always hurts when grownups act like the mean girls from middle school.

If your children don’t really care then there is no need for intervention. Seems like the one who is most affected is Jon.

I’m a firm believer in each partner being responsible for taking up issues with their own families. Jon should talk to his mother and tell her she is being hurtful. Maybe enlist the help of another sibling (Jon has a brother, right?) to be a support.

What can you do? Be straight with your children and help them to come to terms with it and let Jon know that you support him.

Thanks so much everyone. You’ve given me a lot to think about and you’ve been very helpful. Ugh, this isn’t easy, but life never is.

One of the things I learned unexpectedly in the past few years is just how scary it is to realize you’re at the mercy of someone you’re living with and on whom you’re dependent for your well-being and possibly your survival.

One thing I learned is not to judge someone whose circumstances could be opaque to me. I know that the circumstances I’m referring to were opaque to others because of fear and shame covered up by silence. Being a helpless victim messes with everything in your life.

I was not directly in this situation myself, but near enough that it didn’t take much imagination to realize how quickly I might cave if I felt trapped and powerless in that way.

If your mother-in-law is being limited or intimidated in any way through animosity or other restraint, elder abuse laws could apply.

I’m so sorry for your daughter, who has in a real sense lost her grandmother. But you can’t do anything about the grandmother’s behavior. All you can do is try to keep it from eating away at you and help your daughter if she has trouble coping with it.

@Jeruba is so right!

Since this behavior was not previously exhibited but new since the falling out, it’s clear that either consciously or subconsciously, the grandmother’s behavior is affected by her living situation rather than just general flakiness.

There’s not a lot you can do directly with her but just be alert for damage control if your daughter raises the issue.

Since the Grandmother is living with your sister in law…perhaps the sister is deleting or even blocking the messeges that are meant for the Grandmother?
Something to think on.
Wonder if the Grandmother can get out on her own? If so why then does she not email or phohe or write..unless told a lie by sister inlaw?
Maybe have a third party intervene..just in case..to befriend the Grandma and find out why?

Interesting thoughts by @Inspired_2write. Maybe the SIL is controlling contact.

It’s also possible that Grandma has given the daughter (Jon’s sis) her password for FB (sometimes someone who needs FB help will give their password so someone can adjust something with their settings or something). Maybe Jon’s sister blocked you from Grandma’s feed via privacy settings. In that case, Grandma will never know about your daughter’s accomplishments or anything else that you or your family post because she will never see it. Unless she is savvy with privacy settings and actually looks at her privacy settings and knows what she’s looking at, she’ll never know your stuff is blocked.

I think an real, live in person visit is in order. Even to just go up there and take her out. Just because she’s in the clutches of Jon’s sister doesn’t mean that Jon’s sister should or can control her and control access to her.