How do I come to terms with this feeling of betrayal?

Are you absolutely certain he is guilty?

My partner of 5 years and a coworker for 18 years stole a LOT of product from our company over a 1.5 year period. Talk about feeling betrayed! I treated him like my brother and we would give each other a hug at Christmas time and wish each other a wonderful time off. It’s been over a year now and anytime I think about this I get a sick sinking feeling in my gut…and I cannot believe for a second that not only did he do this to “us”, but he was so conniving, deceptive and did so with no conscious with only his selfish greed motivating him.

The way I compartmentalize this event is to cherish the fact that our company is actually way better off without him here. I never thought I would be able to say I would be better off without him…and I am. Good feelings like that will replace the bad ones you may have.

In a case like this, I would break it into pieces.

A) The way you describe it, I’m thinking that his unacceptable behavior was to the firm not something awful he did to a person, or to you. (If I’m wrong, then the rest of this is moot.) in which case, as shocking as it is, he may be able to separate his personae in a way that you would be unlikely to detect. Your judgement may not have been off, the person you knew very likely was the “good guy”, there was no reason for you to suspect otherwise.

B) For you to trust him was a good thing. With your background and your trust issues, it is beneficial for you to trust someone in this setting. It was not a betrayal by family (of choice, I remember how you have spoken of your family of origin).

In other words, be selfish as you perceive this. You did a good thing by opening up and trusting someone. He turned out to be someone less than trustworthy, but that happens to all of us. You trusted. That is good.

All that said, this kind of thing is hugely disappointing. Just remember, he did the bad thing, and fooled everybody for years. Some people are better at doing that than the most astute of us is at detecting them.

@Dutchess_III There is proof, including a police report. I have texted with him and want to hear what he has to say, but it does not look good.

This was an offense regarding a worker from another firm that has an office in our building.

This person did not personally, betray you, and whatever it is they did that they are being fired for, while it may be really shitty, I would, at the very least, ask them what happened, why they did it, and give them a chance to explain their version. Good people can do bad things, and we should always give someone the opportunity to explain themselves. Don’t blacklist this person and worse yet, start making up stories about them being something lower than pond scum until you actually talk with them. What exactly did they do?

If they embezzled money from the company well, really bad, if they raped someone in the restroom, well yep, then you are free to call them a bad person and a pig. You might choose to stop all contact with them but you could also tell ‘hem that you;re sorry they made such a bad choice and that it;s too bad becasue you really had grown fond of them.

Oh crap.

One of the first things that came to mind was OJ. When that whole thing started I actually laughed at the absurdity of it. There was no way that great guy could do such a thing! When it turned out that he was indeed guilty, and he was, actually, an asshole, I felt a bit betrayed. Like you, I couldn’t believe I could fall for it all. Of course, I didn’t know him personally, never interacted with him personally.
Psychopaths can be very charming on the outside and you can’t be held responsible for having been fooled. It happens to us all.

One time I was accused of making a phone call (or rather, having my grandmother make the call since it was a unidentified female who actually called) to a fellow employee’s wife in response to a minor spat we were having. All indicators pointed at me being the culprit, or instigator of the call. I resolved the issue with my fellow co-workers some years later when I revealed to them who the actual caller was.
Another place I worked at, another employee and myself, one of the two, were suspected of stealing $1000 from the business. I couldn’t believe it might have been this other person, and it sure as heck wasn’t me! There was no resolution to this question than to believe the business owner was involved is some type of insurance fraud.
In both of these circumstances, it was up to myself to find a way to deal with problems so that I could live with myself. Of course, some people never let on just what kind of person they really are inside, so you just have to put it behind you and move on.
And, of course, things aren’t always what they seem! Some answer may present itself in time.

Is he accused of attempting to harm or harming the worker from another firm, or were they involved in some victimless “crime”, like having sex or getting high at work?

You gave us no information about the offense. (I am sure that is intentional.)
Allow me to speculate. It could be embezzling, or corporate spying. In certain types of businesses an employee will be seduced by another entity to steal information for money or favors. For example: a Chinese national will be caught selling US secrets to a Chinese agent. (You read about this type of activity every few months.)
The offending Chinese employee is always described by coworkers as “a nice person who would never do such a thing. We had no idea. He was such a good worker! I’d trust him with my kids!”
You have no idea what caused the coworker to sell out or offend. It could be gambling debts, a sick child, a drug problem, medical issues, or simple greed. Presumably the offense was not to you. The guy is still someone you can talk to.
And right now I’m guessing he needs a friend. Talking about it with him will help both of you.

The “pigs” comment makes me think it something sexual.

While his behaviour has made you question your own judgement, unless the criminal act was inflicted upon you, I don’t think he has betrayed you. You may feel let down and that he has not lived up to your perception and expectations of him, but those were your perceptions and your expectations. I’m not saying you don’t have justification for feeling disappointed in him, but betrayed – that’s a different thing.

As to his behaviour and his potentially discordant behaviour, perhaps it relates to his attitude to his friendship with you. I’m thinking of a promo for a program that’s on this week about families in the East End of London. Historically, there have always been criminal families and criminal activity, but if you were accepted as an Eastender, you were one of them. You were family. So you don’t steal from your own sort of thing. I don’t know what he’s done, but from what you’ve said, he didn’t do it to you and perhaps he saw his relationship with you as separate from his treatment of other people.

I don’t know what he’s done. I do know we never see the whole person. People show us what they want us to see. There are also hidden, shadowed surfaces. I remember when I broke up with my first husband being stunned by the way he behaved. There was a side to him I had never seen. I had never seen that side of him because when we were together I was his family. Now I was his opponent. So the side your friend has displayed has always been there, you just weren’t able to see it because of your relationship with him.

Um, assuming he did something really bad like steal a shitload of money or goods, or physically harmed someone, then let me say I don’t agree with people who say he didn’t do it to you, just to the company or someone else. No! If it’s something really bad then it’s bad. He is not who you thought he was. If it’s something not incredibly bad then possibly you can separate what he has done from your relationship.

One time a very much liked newish employee on my staff at Bloomingdales was returning garments to his credit card that he had never purchased. When you return a garment it also takes money away from the salespeople’s paycheck, and mine for that matter, even though I was a manager. We all had started socializing together, liked working with him, we were so disappointed. He was fired of course, and basically dead to all of us. I’m sure some the guys I worked with probably ran into him now and then a clubs and restaurants, and I would be pretty sure they did not forgive and forget. The guys who were there for years on my team there I would trust with my life. I definitely trust them to be honest with money at the store.

Stealing is just unforgivable. I’m not talking about using a company copy machine for a page a few times a year (although, I would usually ask permission even fior that) but moving money and stealing merchandise and supplies is just horrific. Stealing from the company is stealing from employees, the owners, and the customer. The more shrink, the more prices go up to sustain profit. It’s unethical and immoral.

Are all men bad? Absolutely not. Enough are that its hard to miss though, even if it’s a minority percentage.

I don’t know this person’s crime, but I don’t need to know.

What I do know is that you feel betrayed, and feelings are never wrong. They just are.

I happen to be an awful judge of character, and that’s led to several instances of people I invested a good deal of time and emotion into ending up in jail for extremely serious offenses.

When a kid who was a member of my Sunday School class and a close friend of my younger brother, who I was literally in charge of instructing in moral fortitude, was arrested for distributing a large amount of child pornography… disappointed is hardly a sufficient word. Devastated? I was absolutely hurt.

Now, obviously this guy didn’t harm me in any way. He never spoke a word against me, and I recognize logically that I’m not responsible for what he did. But it still hurts my heart. I wonder often if there wasn’t some sign I missed, or some conversation that could have gone another way, or something. Some way to have prevented him from engaging in that perversion, and to have prevented the person that I knew – the brilliant mind, who loved to study history and computer coding, who had such a sensitive heart and was known as the kindest of his brothers – from spending most of his life in prison.

Of course there isn’t, and I just have to deal with those feelings cropping up from time to time. Because if they were logical they wouldn’t be called feelings.

I’m sorry you are hurting, and I wish I could fix it for you.

Update:

I spoke with my friend and he was able to explain things to me and I feel a little better about the situation. Mass amounts of alcohol was involved, and though that is not an excuse, I do not feel so icky about it now.

@Seek Aww, thanks.

Just last summer I was betrayed by a man who I had known since I was 14. We went to school together in Las Vegas, were really great friends and dated briefly before I moved to Illinois when I was 16.

We became facebook friends about 5 years ago. He seemed to be the same boy I knew. Very kind, funny and protective. He offered support when I had my cancer scare and when my mom was ill. He asked me to kiss my mom on the cheek for him when she came out of brain surgery. He was there for me as a friend when my mom passed and when I became ill again two years ago. He would listen and tell me what I needed to hear. It helped.

Things got weird last year when I wrote a post on fb about my rapes. He messaged me and asked who raped me. I told him. My rapists were people we went to school with. He became enraged and told me he’d take care of the guys. He is the nephew of a famous mob guy from Chicago (who was killed in the 80s) and apparently still has family connections. Like I said, it got weird.

He kept messaging me after my rape post and then one night he told me he still loved me. I thought it was strange so I messaged one of my best friends. I have two best girlfriends who I’ve known since 2nd grade. We were all buddies with this boy. My girlfriend blew my mind. She told me she has been having an affair with him, she’s married with a young daughter, and she told me to block him. Apparently he’s been holding a grudge since I moved. I broke his heart and hurt him deeply. I remember things differently so this shocked me.

I found out that I was one of three girls who hurt him and I was on the top of his vendetta list. I don’t know exactly what was planned, but I confronted him and he admitted it to me. The man is sick. Not only was he sleeping with my best friend, he also had an online affair with my other best friend. He got weird with her as well so she blocked him. This man boy was trying to sleep with every woman we went to school with.

I can’t understand how an old buddy can go from offering support during illness and death and being such a good friend to then find out he hated me that whole time. He’s blocked from my life now, at least I hope.

I’ve learned that you really don’t know a person until you spend years living with them. It makes me want to hold on tight to Jon.

@jonsblond Please hold on to him!! No you never really know someone until years have come and gone.

@jonsblond That’s craszy, I’m sorry, wow!

@ARE_you_kidding_me I agree, I too have known a couple of sociopathic types, but honestly, I don’t always think that charm alone is a good indicator. The couple I knew were quite quiet and more the scheming/conniving/smile in your face, pay you lip service, types. I am a very charming women, good with people, a jokester, never at a loss for words and extremely observant and articulate in my expressions.I’m a people person and good with people and have zero social anxiety. I’d hate to be called a sociopath when I am really just an entertaining personality type that has a way with words and am a comedienne at heart.

I’m glad it might not be as bad as you first thought. It truly sucks having to deal with things like this. Life can be so Dissappointing at times.

Without any details as to the nature of the act your friend committed – or is accused of having committed, in any case – there are no grounds to say whether what he did was a betrayal of you in any way or not. So no one here without your view of things can make an intelligent assessment of that question. People can and will support you in terms of how you feel, obviously, but no one can make a dispassionate, disinterested – and knowledgeable – assessment of what they see, because there is nothing to see.

However, I would say that @ARE_you_kidding_me‘s response is perhaps more helpful than you want to believe it to be. The advice contained in that response is: Don’t judge every group member by the acts of one person. That’s good advice to anyone at any time. You should heed and remember that.

Your frustration and disappointment at learning – from one side – about the bad act/s of a friend is understandable. But don’t judge him until you’ve at least heard his side of things, and maybe even then you could retain some judgement or compassion for whatever character flaw may have driven his act.

Part of your feelings could be grief of loosing a friend. We all know drunk things can get really ugly sometimes. A year from now lessons might be learned and people forget. Unless it was sexual in nature, or predatory. Does this person experience empathy? Were they just blowing off steam? How could I not have known this person? Does it feel like you are mad at yourself for being fooled? I’ve felt that way before. There is always good people out there too. Mathematical probability.

@jonsblond WTF? Did you feel duped?

@tinyfaery. I did. I still can’t believe what happened. I also felt letdown by my girlfriends. My friendship with this man was platonic on my end and I had no desire to go there, but I’m a believer in girl code. You stay away from old boyfriends of your best friends. We are all married so it was shocking to hear the details.

Never trust anyone…

I’m gone