Can you offer some suggestions (and perhaps some explaination) about how to get through to this woman and her lack of communication skills?

OK… I speak as a step parent that was forced to take time when that was NOT the expectation or for the best of either me or the child, but it was just convenient to the parents.

Your time is you time. Put limits on it. If you don’t value your time, no one else will. You want to see your grand kids, of course, but that doesn’t come at the cost of personal respect. You understand your daughter in law has goals and that is great, but you decide how you spend your time. You are a grown-ass woman. Do you thing to spend time with the kiddos, but set limits. The other grandma can decide to take the rest. The clearer you are with your limits, the clearer they have to be with their plans. No….‘I guess’.....

Well, I understand @cazzie, and when I made that commitment, that was my “limit. Like a job. You may wake up and say, “I don’t wanna go to work!” but you do because you have a commitment.

How can I make her understand that she also has a commitment to me as well, in this situation?

From the things she says to me I feel like there are under currents of issues with her mother over this, but I don’t know what they could be. Her mom is weird.

It’s no good when the person in between two parties is bad at communication. I’d suggest you try to coordinate with the other grandma directly, not through the mom, unless that’s worse somehow. Failing that, or perhaps in addition to it, I’d be more direct and less polite on your side of the conversation, making myself into a robotic service that needs to be registered and does not engage conversations of whether I want to or maybe. It’s ON or OFF for each date, and just communicate your current state and little else about it. So if I got something like:

“She would like to tomorrow bc she off. But I told her I would ask to see if it’s okay with you first.”

I parse this as “rudely unclear comment means I can choose however I like”, so I would choose whether I want to be ON or OFF for that date and say just “Ok, I will not come on 4/21.” or “No I would prefer not to change my plans. I will come on 4/21.” and place the responsibility on mom and/or grandma #2, because that is a sloppy/messy/incompetent way to not communicate clearly and cleanly, probably caused by more of the same on the other end. Not too unusual since there is a parent-child relationship on the other end, but still. So I would just not that they are going to be incompetent and messy and unpredictable, and choose how I will deal with that without getting involved in the mess or adding to it or trying to fix it (probably).

@Dutchess_III , do you want to see the children every week? Have you rearranged your schedule to make that happen?

If so, let your son and daughter-in-law know. Be clear.

It sounds like all of you are dancing around this for some reason. no LOL’s in messages. Be clear, direct, honest. All that good stuff.

It’s better for all you – especially the children, who would likely benefit from knowing what their schedule is. You said that you’d started to develop a routine with them – if you want to keep it up – let your son and daughter-in-law know. If the other grandmother is interested in time with them, maybe invite her over once a month (if the two of you have a good relationship).

Oh, no, @Zaku. The other Gramma is weird, not at all open to even a casual relationship or conversation with me. I’ve tried, like when they got married. Yes, it would be worse. And I’m pretty sure they have a funky relationship. She even told me she didn’t want her mom to come to their wedding, at the time, “because she’ll just ruin it.” Well, she did come, for about 5 minutes. Just long enough for the ceremony.

OK, I think I see what you’re saying about the rest, and I think I agree. It’s this not telling me until the last minute crap that’s really annoying. Maybe work out a FIRM schedule…

Yes, @BellaB I arranged my schedule. I made a commitment last month, and that cleared every Wednesday from now until the end of the year. Of course I want to see them every week. More often if possible.

Oh, the other gramma doesn’t live far, and she sees them through out the the week, so I don’t know what weird, emotional thing they’ve got going on about this baby sitting business.

The next time your son says something like he did – tell him to find out for sure and let you know later the same day.

It feels like everyone’s got some weird communication thing going on. He doesn’t know, she doesn’t know, you know but you’re not telling her, they’re waiting to ask you… etc etc.

Let them know that you’ve rearranged things through the end of this year. If they anticipate any changes (for the year), they can let you know this weekend. This doesn’t mean you can’t / won’t be flexible but this kind of wonkiness in the first month isn’t fair to the children.

I agree. Totally not fair to the kids.
Maybe I’ll print off a paper calendar, from now until December, and have her make her own schedule of when who is going to watch the kids each Wednesday. Make it clear that it’s completely her choice and decision, and, above all, my feelings won’t be hurt, even if she decides to have her Mom watch them from now on. But this schedule can’t be changed without at least a week’s notice.

I have a feeling that might be the underlying problem….which Gramma do the kids like best? Like, some sort of juvenile, popularity contest that she and her mom are swirling around and around in.
I see it as I have a job to do. The best job in the whole world, but a job nonetheless. I see it as being able to count on me. I don’t know how the other gramma views it.

The hardest part is never knowing how she’s going to take it. My DIL likes finding non-existent nuances in conversations. If I say it’s totally up to her, she might read, “She doesn’t want to do it, even though she said she would!” and then get pissy for a month or two and keep us from seeing the kids on Saturday for a while.

Not that you would hear it or anything, if it were me (and I know it is not), I would tell the DIL ”I can watch the kids X, Y, and T days(times), on H, P, and Q days(times) you can have your mother watch, since she said she wanted to help out. IF for some reason she cannot, give me enough lead time and I can adjust to watch them.” and leave it like that, make her choose what times you have available to get your help, take away the waffle and get some solid meat.

You confused me HC! The days and times are all the same. Wednesdays 11 to 4.

^ If you said I can watch them Wed the (X), Wed the (Y), and Wed the (Z), but not Wed the (A), Wed the (E), or Wed the (M), see if you can get your mom to cover those since you said she wanted to help out, but if she can’t with enough lead time, I will cover it. See it clearer now?

I suggest that you set a day during the week before – let’s say by Thursday – that they have to let you know if you are watching the kids next Wednesday and if you haven’t heard that you are by then, you will make other plans for your day. Then stick to it.

It’s clearer now. But that’s not quite accurate. I can watch them every Wednesday from now until eternity.
I’ll take a paper calendar over and we’ll get it hashed out, with the understanding that it is FIRM, barring actual, unforeseen situations, in which case I will give her at least a week’s notice.
Maybe I should write a freaking contract.

The question is not of your commitment but of theirs which is why I suggest you make them responsible for letting you know and committing in advance.

That’s what I said here, @janbb. “How can I make her understand that she also has a commitment to me as well, in this situation?”.

I guess I’m going to have to force her into it, lay it out in specific detail, since she doesn’t seem to understand this by now.

Ok that makes sense. In that case, I would think if there is a way I can make my Wednesdays work even if I get a text right when I’m leaving saying that suddenly crazy grandma is going to do it. I’m not sure your interests work out that way, but for me I can think of things I like to do and can be flexible about when, so I can let people be crazy and unpredictable. Reading, creative work, exercise, going places by myself that I like to do alone and it doesn’t matter when.

@Dutchess_III And I gave you a possible solution.

(Is this the argument clinic?)

@Zaku, It’s not that I can’t think of things to do, it’s the planning. For example, today I made a Doctor’s appointment. The earliest they could get me in is next Wednesday…..I said “Won’t work,” even though I don’t know if I’m to baby sit or not, so it’s been pushed out almost two weeks from today.

I’m not worried about finding things to do. I have others asking me for commitments, or making plans in advance for myself, and I don’t like not knowing if I can or can’t.

We’ll get it sorted out on Saturday. I will make it very, very clear what my expectations are.

And I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m just wondering how she’s going to take it. Probably as some sort of insult.

Thanks for all the suggestions you guys. It seems like there are a lot of head games going on over there, and my son gets caught in the middle. It’s ridiculous.

So I’ll nicely take charge of this particular situation, even if it means I have to bow out of babysitting so mom and gramma can dispense with their side of the head games.

It sounds to me as if she is mistaking your desire to have stability and some notice about your plans for a desperate desire to be the person who watches the kids. She seems to be trying to accommodate that desire. I think if you’d been having these conversations in person rather than by text, there would have been less room for miscommunication.

I don’t think that she’s playing games with you or her mother. I think she’s trying too hard to be nice to everyone. Why don’t you talk to her in person and tell her that you’re fine with not watching the kids, but you just need to have a schedule that you can rely on, and that’s the only reason you keep checking with her. Then try to come to an agreement about who’s watching the kids when, and how much notice you need before changing plans, if that happens again.

^Nailed it.

I think your DIL is trying to please two people at the same time. She asked you first to babysit and probably asked her mom if she would be a back up for the times you would not be available. He mom may feel left out but apparently sometimes she works on Wednesdays and wants to be able to babysit when she has a Wednesday off. It could simply be that she doesn’t know how to keep it fair between the two of you and is having trouble speaking to you about it because she doesn’t want you to feel left out.

If her mother wants the kids on the Wednesdays that she is free than tell her that is fine but you simply want advance notice. At least 4 days ahead, or you will assume you get the kids that Wednesday. And if something changes for her mom at the last minute, to let you know as soon as possible because if you made plans, they may not be plans that can be changed.
But tell her over the phone in a very sweet manner. Sometimes text can seem like a person is angry, or annoyed when they simply are just trying to be logical.
There have been times when my daughter will say something in a manner that I would interpret to mean that she wanted my advice and would get mad when I offered advice. And other times she would say something and weeks later we are talking on the phone and I would ask why she didn’t try something (I would give examples) and she would get mad and ask why didn’t I suggest that sooner when she mentioned it before.
Sometimes how a person is currently feeling can affect what they write and they can easily come across cross or indifferent without meaning too.

So I now have a rule with my daughter. If its really important. Call, so I can understand if she is looking for advice or just someone to vent too.
It’s too easy to get annoyed with texting and quickly dash down short replies that can be misunderstood.
My point, call or text her a message to call you to confirm your schedule and send her a smiling emoji so she knows you are in a happy mood.

I would tell her and your son (if you have the two of them together to talk to) “I am planning to watch the kids every Wednesday. I set every Wednesday free so I can do it and I am so excited about doing it. I put it in my calendar so I’m definitely available. If for any reason you want your mom to watch them, that’s fine with me but just give me a heads up so I know I have the day free.” That way, your availability and willingness is clear to them. I am thinking the DIL may try to turn around what’s been happening and make it like you haven’t expressed a willingness or a commitment. The way I put it, make it absolutely clear to them both you are free and eager and willing and that way, there’s no misunderstanding what your commitment and willingness is. Even if the way I wrote it seems like overkill, it’s just drumming it into their heads you are free and you are theirs unless told otherwise.

I don’t think she has a lack of communication skills as much as some ambivalence with you spending lot’s of time with her kids. Maybe related to a sort of balance to keep between you and her own mother about who will be the nicest grandma spending the most time with the grandkids… she may be walking a fine line. My guess anyway.

Edit: I should have read Pandora’s response first. What she says.

I think you’re spot on @chyna. Only I think it’s more projection on me about how her mother feels. (Her mother is really immature.) I think she’s have a hard time wrapping her mind around that fact that I really don’t mind, whatever they decide.

Last night (Wednesday night) I got to thinking that I’m going to ask for at least a week’s advance notice as to her plans for the following week. Well, this is a week in advance so I went ahead and texted her (Please note: I will be talking to her in person on Saturday as well, and still considering printing off a blank calendar for her and her Mom to fill out according to their heart’s desire.)
I said, “So what’s on for next Wednesday?”

She said, “Your going to watch if you want.”

I sent, “I made a commitment to you in July. I cleared every Wednesday for the rest of the year. I wouldn’t have made that commitment if I didn’t want to.
But I’m also reasonably flexible. I just need advance notice. If you’d prefer your Mom to watch them that is not a problem. I just need to know before the last minute.”

So, as I said, I’ll talk to her on Saturday, hopefully get some stuff straightened out.

@olivier5 If she feels she’s walking a fine line, we can take care of that too. Whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable.

Looking back on that one text, when he sent “She [her mom] would like to tomorrow bc she off. But I told her I would ask to see if it’s okay with you first,” kind of makes me wonder if she’s hoping I’ll be the “bad guy,” so she can tell her Mom that that’s the reason she doesn’t have her mom watch them, because I’ll throw a fit or something.

So many eggshells.

Maybe her mom doesn’t want to make you think she’s being like “I’m off and the kids are mine!” It sounds like the mom doesn’t want you to think she’s being aggressive about it.

You’re right – all kinds of eggshells.

Sit her down, make her a cup of tea/coffee and tell her your word is your word. (Frankly, all of this confusion and back and forth would make me tired and irritated). Tell her when you make an arrangement she can count on it, so she better make absolutely sure she wants you to do so-and-so before asking.

Tell her your time is precious, however, you are happy to commit some to the kids, but once committed no shifts.

When she asks again, remind her. ‘Okay, I am blocking all my Wednesday’s, until further notice’.
People are just annoying at times.

If she buggers up again, tell her you are removing the commitment from your diary, in a casual way and leave it at that. We kinda teach people how to treat us.

Establish some sort of communication that allows you to be fairly treated as well. Could you and her mom talk about your schedule in advance? Either way, if you want to be firm, let the both of them know that if you’re not told by, say, Sunday (or another day of your choosing), you will go ahead and assume you’re not needed, and will not be available. Maybe once or twice of them learning this supposedly hard lesson will make it sink in.

@LornaLove Yup.

@Lonelyheart807 No, I can not talk with her mother. She’s a nut case.