Why is this hurting me now, and what can I do about it?

It should be in distant past now when you were a child. Why ruin the present moments of happiness due to troublesome memories? Just let it go and everything will be fine!!

I feel for you. No one can accurately know why it happened or why nobody did something about it. I am sure that this issue probably has been known by some of your other relatives outside the nuclear family, think of your aunts or uncles, or even cousins that attended that wedding at that time, you can still ask them as you’re an adult now and they think that your deserve to know the truth now.

Some of the possible things I can think of:
– You look/act like your biological mother and that probably bring bad memory to the newly-wed couples
– You’re the best of among your siblings and were deemed the best choice to look after/accompany another relative
– One of your parents may not actually like you for some reason but they still look after you just to fulfill of their responsibility as parents
– Other people/relatives probably did nothing as they believe it’s not their place or authority to meddle with your parents’ decisions toward you.

One way or another it’s water under the bridge now, but I can understand people that are tormented by their own curiosity.

The only reasons I can think of for exclusion are the following:

- you were/are extremely sensitive and they thought you couldn’t handle things emotionally so they left you out of it, or

- you were way too mature for your age and ahead of your years so they may have felt uneasy having a kid around with so much insight. That may also be the reason you went to grandma’s more often. Certain adults can’t handle kids who are precocious and wise beyond their years.

I CAN understand your bitterness but don’t let it eat away at you and take up any more of your precious time.

Do you think the one sibling you do have contact with would have any insight? Is it possible to write to her and ask?

Is your dad’s wife still alive? I think you should ask her why. I think there is a good chance it will make you feel better. If it doesn’t, you already feel crappy about it anyway.

What if it had everything to do with your age and not you? I see this with younger siblings all the time. Younger sisters feeling not as pretty, but they compare themselves to older siblings who know how to style their hair, and can dress more sexy, and who wear make-up.

Often, young siblings need oversight, while the older siblings are free to do what they want. The younger ones feel left out, or like it’s unfair.

In my family it was the younger siblings who had some jealousy, not the older ones. The younger ones felt more picked on (by the parents), not loved as much, and like they weren’t good enough.

I’m probably not comprehending this properly. You lived with whom when you were sent to stay with Grandma?

My guess for why you were sent away to visit is so it was like a shared custody situation. To relieve the relative who had you full time, you were sent to stay with Grandma who was probably happy to have the company of her granddaughter, and help out your relative you were living with.

Where the people you lived with and Grandma kind people to you? I hope so.

Perhaps you were such a handful that you were a bit much to contend with in the family unit and that is why you were sent off and excluded from the blissful wedding day. You should ask your sisters even the ones you do no speak to…let then know you are reaching out to them for this specific and important answer to help you understand this darkish time in your memory.

I will share my own experience from similar age in my life and I am offering this only because I have little to no recollection of the degree of my behavior those years. My mom told me that when I was in second grade my behvior, acting out, temper tantrum and physical abuse of my brother and 3 sisters was out of control and despite their best and corporal efforts it got to a level where my mom said she was one day away from sending me to military school.

Longer story shorter, I apparently was acting out due to the extreme mental and physical abuse I was receiving at the Catholic school I was attending. My mom thankfully advocated for me and realized enough was enough and pulled me from Catholic school and dropped me into public school. She remembers vividly who a switch went of and I went from a tyrant to a loving happy son and sibling in our family. Honestly I do not remember any of the fuss and trouble but I do remember that first day in public school as I was amazed at all the colorful clothes and jackets the kids work in contrast to the black and white uniforms and more so how the kids were talking and laughing in the classroom prior to the bell and no one was getting hit by the teacher for “breaking the rules”.

I wrote you some stuff in a PM but thinking about it, I guess the way I’ve come to terms with my feelings about my flawed parents is to decide that somehow I got enough. I didn’t get what I wanted or needed but I got resilience and insight and I have worked on the rest. There are some family members I still am distant from and some I am closer to but I have made my kids and my friends my sources of support.

@jca, I lived with my father and his new wife. However, I was regularly sent to my grandmother’s house.

@jannb, I did ask my sibling. He had forgotten I wasn’t there and had no idea why it was.

Ty @unofficial. Some interesting ideas. I appreciate your input.

@zephyr, I’m not bitter. Just puzzled. It’s one of life’s mysteries and it leaves me with questions about relationships I had trusted.

@JLeslie, she’s no longer alive and frankly, she would lie. She was a very jealous and insecure person. And I really don’t think it had anything to do with my older sister. I idolized her and I was very close to her when we were children.

@imrainmaker, in a perfect world we would all be able to bury painful memories, but in realities, memories have a habit of rising up and forcing us to examine them. It would have been more convenient for this memory to have surfaced when those who could provide concrete answers were still here.

@cruiser, I have thought about that possibility (that I was a handful,) but my aunt, grandmother and others have never even hinted at that. My aunt adores me and wanted to adopt me and I was close to my grandmother. And really, if anyone was going to disrupt a wedding, my older sister would have been the one!

My older sister is also gone, so l can’t ask her. Ty for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you went through that, but I’m glad your mom advocated for you. I think part of my discomfort is the thought that my father didn’t advocate for me. That leaves me feeling sad and puzzled.

@Earthbound_Misfit: Were your father and his new wife kind to you? How about your grandmother? Was she a kind caregiver?

My Dad and Grandmother were. His wife was a psycho.

^^Exactly, younger sisters tend to idolize older sister. Simply an age thing I see over and over again. Was she really that special? Or, was she just older, and you wanted to be with her, be like her, saw what she could do? She was around and you craved attention like any normal child. She was older, simple age puts you in the position to want her attention, approval, and you wanted to be wanted and liked by her I would guess. Older sister have no idea this is going on. None.

Your dad, like many dads, didn’t take on the role of primary parent maybe? In many marriages, where the children are all from the same set of parents, and everyone lives together, and the dad is working all day, and leaves most of the childcare to the mom. This happens all the time, especially back when we were kids. Now, add in a new wife, and the younger children are more work, just because they simply are. I don’t think it means you were hard to handle or rambunctious. It might mean you were just a normal girl behaving normally for your age. If your sister had been your age, and you her age, maybe she would have been the one excluded in some of these things.

I’d be pretty sure your grandma loved having you. Did you enjoy being with her? Parents are guessing a lot of the time. They are clueless how what they are doing is impacting their children.

Obviously, I don’t know all the details, I’m just saying that in my experience the younger sibling often feels cast out, or the one singled out for their parents negative attention.

I want you not to feel like the unloved girl, but a person caught in a circumstance. Probably your dad could have done things differently or better, but probably he had his own difficulties and short comings, and he was just trying to handle life. He probably made some bad choices. Those are his bad decisions and choices, and go ahead and be pissed off, and hopefully be able to forgive him, but do your best not to be hurt. Get angry. Get into the stage before acceptance. Longing for it to have been different, and thinking other people had childhood much better, it won’t let you move forward.

Is there anyway for you to maybe have some understanding of your father’s choices regarding your care, and how he treated you? From what I can tell you weren’t “abused” but you felt neglected I guess. Neglected and singled out.

Maybe your dad’s new wife was jealous of you somewhat. Jealous of the time you would take from her relationship with your father.

@JLeslie, my sister didn’t exclude me from the wedding. I don’t know what she would have remembered. She is dead.

As to my dad’s behaviour, well that’s just weak and disappointing from what I can glean. There’s really no excuse for allowing one of your children to be excluded in such a way. Even if I was a pain in the ass, there were other adults there to look after me. I cannot come up with one justifiable reason for their behaviour. It seems cruel and selfish and very odd.

@Earthbound_Misfit I’m not communicating well. I’m not saying your sister excluded you from the wedding or to hurt you. I’m saying your parents might have simply not brought you to the wedding because of your age. I doubt your sister had any input at all. She was just a kid too.

I’m thinking @JLeslie has some good ideas, especially maybe the last one about the new wife being jealous. She may have not been that maternal, either. I don’t think of myself as especially maternal, but really, before I had a child of my own I had zero clue.

Maybe the relationship was one where the new wife was berating him or getting on him about giving you attention. Maybe she was saying stuff behind closed doors about how she was busy enough dealing with the household and also, as a woman, she had her own womanly manipulations she could use on him (in other words, sex). It’s not right that he sent his daughter off but he may have been a victim of her manipulations and bitching.

On top of that, maybe your grandmother saw what was going on and said “send her to me!” She knew she’d do the right thing and make you feel loved and wanted, and do the grandmotherly things with you like baking, sewing, whatever. Stuff my grandmother did with me and stuff my mother did with my daughter.

I don’t understand that idea @JL, why exclude a 7 year old and still have a toddler there? There is no way my behaviour would have been negative towards my sister. She looked after me. I must be missing your point. It’s late and bedtime here.

The toddler might have still been seen as a baby, and maybe they weren’t comfortable being separate from the baby? The toddler can be put in a carriage part of the night, or take a nap. A young child, a 7 year old, needs to be watched. Whoever is responsible for the 7 year old misses part of enjoying the wedding. No children at a wedding, doesn’t always mean no babies and no teens, it means no children who can’t watch over themselves easily who will be running around.

Don’t get me wrong, since it was your father’s wedding, and not some other relative, I think you should have been there, but no “children” at a wedding is a common idea, and everyone interprets it differently.

When I said your sister might have excluded you, I didn’t mean the wedding, I meant in general. When she played with friends, that sort of thing. That younger siblings often feel not included. It’s just being the younger one. Birth order.

Well, I know these things are not rational, but try to remember that you were seven at the time. There is no way that this decision can have been about who you are as a person. There may simply have been a limit to how many children they felt they could keep track of on their wedding day. The older kids would be expected to have an understanding of the process and a personal desire to be there. The youngest may have needed their attention more.

Maybe someone asked you a passive-aggressive question at some point, to try to figure out if you really wanted to be there, and your response indicated “No”, without your understanding what was being asked. Maybe you indicated a genuine desire not to go, and don’t remember. Seven is young. You weren’t the adult you are now, and our memories change the more often we sift through them. Short of getting an honest answer from someone who knew the answer at the time, you’ll probably never know.

And then, parents are often just terrible at being parents. This story could easily have taken place in my own family, without any reasonable explanation. They don’t always understand that actions can have far-reaching consequences. They don’t always love their kids unconditionally or equally. They sure don’t always express their love in the ways we want or expect them to.

I haven’t read any of the responses yet.

@dappled_leaves I think that was a great answer.

I think that you – and very likely all previous respondents – may be overthinking this a lot.

The reason you were not included at the wedding ceremony may have been entirely mundane: maybe you had a cold, the flu or even just an upset stomach. Maybe you had (unknown to you now) expressed some desire not to have to dress up and attend a long, boring “adult” ceremony – or you wanted to watch cartoons that morning.

The thing is that whether it was some kind of hidden plot to keep you away, or as mundane as I have suggested here, what does that matter? That’s in the past and there’s nothing you can do about it. The only way that can hurt you – even if you assume that the worst is true and that both of the primary wedding celebrants somehow had it in for you that day – is if you let it continue to haunt your thoughts and emotions as it is doing now.

But why even assume that at all? After all, you were present for your life, right? You know – as much as anyone can know another, anyway – how people have felt and do feel about you. So accept that as a starting point and move on.

I will also say that there is something else in your post – and whether it’s there deliberately to solicit this advice or not, there it is, so here it is (the advice, that is): You can also choose to make the future different from the present. If you have done wrong to others, which causes them to shun you, then ask for their forgiveness or make amends. If others have done wrong to you, which causes the shunning from you to them, then forgive them. You don’t have to accept “this is the way things are” if things are displeasing to you. Change things. Make things different.

If you make a better future, then who cares what’s in the past? It doesn’t have to rule your life.

I’m sorry this has come up again after all those years, especially mixed with the other feelings and memories of your family. It’s not exactly the right word, but I’m sorry it’s so “complicated”. Hugs there, friend.

I just wanted to share a recent occurrence in my family that may have come into play with your past. My daughter (4) recently told someone who was visiting us that we had “given her room to brother and kicked her out”... that’s not exactly how it went.

When my wife was pregnant, we asked my daughter if she wanted to stay in that room, or move to another room. She picked the other room, we choose a new “big girl” bed with her and decorated with her. She was beyond excited and showed it off for months to everyone who came to visit the baby.

Some how from there until now (18 months later), it had gotten turned around in her head from her choice and a celebration to something we had taken from her. Who knows why or how. Maybe someone else mentioned they got their bedroom taken away at school, maybe it was in a story she read or a movie. I don’t know.

Our memories are strange, we have crystal clear moments and just fill in the mundane details to the best of our abilities. You will always remember being picked up after the wedding and maybe the feeling in that moment. Maybe you felt like you’d missed something, or wondered why everyone was excited and dressed up. Maybe you’ve felt left out from the start.

But as for how that came to be and how to deal with it. I’d say the surrounding issues with family and feeling left out in a larger sense is going to be a lot more important than those individual moments.

I hope this isn’t out of line, but if I imagined my wife passing and me remarrying with my kids, I think my life would be a mess. I’d be looking for any help I could find, especially with making sure my daughter had good role models. My mom would be the first person I looked towards. I would see sending her to grandma’s fairly frequently as a better education than I could give by myself and that doesn’t even consider the extra complication of a new wife who perhaps wasn’t the best fit as a mother for my kids.

It’s complicated all around and I don’t think anyone can tell you how to move past it. Everything I type here seems preachy and oversimplified, so I’m sorry for that. Please take it with the best of intentions. But perhaps forgiving imperfect individuals in a imperfect situation could help? We all struggle under new pressures and it sounds like there were a lot.

I genuinely hope you find what you’re looking for.

Rejection can be a tough business for those on the receiving end, but to my mind, if the reasons for this treatment are beyond my control, the suffering or resentment on my part amount to self persecution. And nothing is more pointless and unnecessary than self persecution. If you are in the position of feeling excluded by your family, you must decide whether or not inclusion in the herd is worthy of the effort required on your part to achieve it. You can initiate moves toward peace to the degree you feel reasonable, but if none of your peers is willing to join you on the field of truce, it’s high time to write the bunch off and get on with your life.

I know how busy you are at the moment and for something this old to arise suddenly means to me that it is important and has been cooking back there for a long time. I have no answers, only my sympathy for one who is disturbed by a possibly unanswerable childhood mystery and advice for you to bite the bullet and ask those who were both there and old enough to be aware of the situation. If you are already estranged, what is there to lose?

Do you remember expressing opposition to the idea of your father marrying that woman? Were you against the marriage? Because if that’s the case, maybe they were afraid that you would express such feelings during the ceremony, to anyone really…

The reason it hurts is likely that you feel like Cindirella without a fairy: not allowed to go to the big ball, abandonned by your family, including by your sisters and father who could have insisted a little more for you to be invited…

But then again, IF you had been invited, maybe you would have hated it from A to Z.

(My 2 cents only)

First, hugs. I’m sorry these difficult memories have arisen now.

It is completely normal for us to remember difficulties. There is nothing abnormal about these coming up now.

I have many difficult memories from my childhood about family and friends. It was unpleasant to say the least. I use therapy to work through them when they resurface. I have made peace with all of them, but it took a long time.

I recently had a difficulty with one of my two sisters that has caused a rift between us. I’ve already put it behind me, but I will never forget it. I understand the angst that comes from family.

I have been in therapy for 30 years, and it has helped me immensely. I will probably always be in therapy, because I gain so much good from it.

In all those years of therapy, I have learned one very important point: our current actions are predicated on a need to avoid the pain we experienced as children and adolescents. Everything I do is to protect me from being hurt like I was when I was young. I don’t worry about this much anymore, because I’ve done the work to put the past hurts behind me.

I don’t know what it will take for you to be able to put your difficult past behind you, but perhaps you can learn from my many years in therapy.

What is hurting you now, and how does it reflect the pain of childhood?

And for the record, I think it’s a very positive note that you speak up for yourself. I’m something of a black sheep, too. Hugs. I like black sheep.