What are your best/favorite jokes?

A peanut butter sandwich walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. The bartended said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food.”

A horse walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. The barman says ’ why the long face?’

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will drive the fish into extinction.

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb…?

None.. That’s a hardware problem.

Do you know the difference between a Big Mac and a blowjob?

Do you know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper? ... no SO! Your the ONE!

I don’t really understand the two posts above me…

The first one seems to be missing a punch line, while the second one has a punch line that I just don’t understand?

It’s not missing a punchline; it’s waiting for a response.

@CWOTUS: Then no.. I don’t know what the difference is.

@Hypocrisy_Central: Sometimes obscenity has nothing to do with profanity. But you’re welcome to provide jokes that would be acceptable per the rules of this site.

@JoyousLove It means that the person wiped his bottom with the shower curtain.

Ah, well, let’s do lunch one of these days, @JoyousLove.

… Both of those were great in their terribleness. I congratulate you two. :)

@JoyousLove Yeah team Fluther!

@JoyousLove Sometimes obscenity has nothing to do with profanity. But you’re welcome to provide jokes that would be acceptable per the rules of this site.
That is the rub, what flies in the real world sinks here…....

Let’s see if this one gets modded:
What is the difference between a woman and a dog? The dog, unlike a woman, will still greet you happily and lick you when you let it out of the trunk of the car

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1, F1” and nobody understood it.

@Hypocrisy_Central: Maybe with some things, that’s the case… But citing all previous jokes in this Q&A, I’d have to insist that many things that work in the real world are acceptable here as well.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer. And a mop.”

What about; “How do you confuse a Blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner.”

There are 10 types of people in the world…

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

@Hypocrisy_Central: I’m so offended! I’m gonna flag you!!! (just joking.. <3)

A rapist, a thief and a priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.

Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses?
What is it about that look that children find so sexy?

A priest, a rabbi, and a penguin walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what, is this some kind of joke?”

When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan
I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

People say that Steve Jobs died to soon, but I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life

The Scottish Regimental Sergeant Major walks into the pharmacy, opens up his sporran, pulls out an old used condom, throws it on the counter, and asks:
“How much to have it repaired?”

The pharmacist says, “One pound.”

“How much for a new one?”

The pharmacist says “75 pence, but you have to buy three.”

The Regimental Sergeant Major picks up the old condom, and puts it back in his sporran, and walks out.

The next day the Regimental Sergeant Major walks back into the pharmacy and says, “the Regiment voted to have it repaired!”

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot (Braveheart) but look at him now, alcoholic and a racist!

Our greatest fear is to die alone, which is why I intend to take quite a few people with me.

If you get offended by any jokes, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.

Why do Germans love Americans? Because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.

@ucme “Mel Gibson”

Because you’re a Brit, I’m guessing you’ve never seen this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7mUcKnmReI.

Some background might be helpful. The comedians Denys Leary and Lenny Clark are in the broadcast booth during a Boston Red Sox game. The Sox had a 1st baseman, Kevin Youkilis, who happened to be Jewish. The whole setup is an obvious ploy to rag on Mel Gibson, but nobody could anticipate Youkilis having the best defensive inning of his career. What ensues is hilarious and classic.

The regular announcers are to the left and right of the screen, laughing so much that they can barely stand up. (Full disclosure – I have that southeast New England accent, and so does my entire family.)

I watched this piece while it was being broadcast, and it was one of my highlights for that year.

Don’t you know the Queen’s English?
Why, yes, I’d heard she was.

Let’s eat Grandma!
Let’s eat, Grandma!
Punctuation saves lives!

@Love_my_doggie Any chance to rip the piss outta Mel has gotta be taken

Barbara Bush is so old her pussy is haunted

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out on a long Sunday drive in the country.

Cop pulls up behind them and flips on the lights and sirens. Heisenberg pulls over. Cop asks him, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am.”

Cop responds, “You were driving ninety miles an hour!”

“Great! Now we’re lost!”

Cop thinks this conversation is a bit peculiar, so he asks Heisenberg to pop the latch on the trunk.

He goes ‘round and opens it up. “Hey, d’you guys know there’s a dead cat in here?”

Schrodinger yells, ”Well I do now!”

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Give him a blow job.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

ten tickles

@Seek: That was absolutely wonderful. :D I giggled 12 kinds of hard.

Here’s a joke that some programmers might get:

PHP.

Pun by designers -

#Wife { right: 100℅;
Margin: 0}
#Samsung { @extend apple;}

I like my coffee like I like my men: ground up and in the freezer.

A friend claims to like his women as he likes his microwave: easy to program and will kill any baby he puts in her.

A patient awaiting a brain transplant is given a choice of a male or female brain.

The doctor tells the patient that the female brain costs $2,000, and the male one costs $20,000.

The patient asks, “Why does the male one cost so much more?”

The doctor replies, “Because it’s never been used.”

Slightly longer so forgive it
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbi are chatting on tithing and offerings.
The Bishop says whatever is collected I toss in the air, what lands on the right, I give to God, what lands on the left I keep for myself.
The priest says, whatever I collect I toss in the air, what lands up “heads” I give to God, what lands up “tails” I keep to myself.
They look to the rabbi.
The rabbi says, whatever I collect I toss in the air, what stays up I give to God, what falls back to Earth I keep for myself.

A doctor gets the following phone call: “Doc please come at once! Our baby has swallowed a condom!” So the doc gathers his equipment and rush through the door but then the phone rings again. He picks up and it’s the same guy, saying: “It’s okay, doc, no need to come. We found another one.”

[son gets 2nd place in art fair]
Me: lets put it on the 2nd fridge
Son: but daddy we don’t have a 2nd fridge
Me: then we dont have time for your bullshit

How many religions does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they all want to keep you in the dark.

Me: “Mom, am I ugly??”
Mom: “I told you not to call me mom in front of people!!”

Girls talk about makeup like its a freakin weapon, “What eye shadow is that?”
“Oh its the Mac 34XZ10 Pro Supreme Blend 10 points to Gryffindor”

Me

The sons of a cattle ranch owner inherit the unnamed family business.
What did they decide to name it?
Focus, because that is where the sun’s rays meet.

Why are Spanish monarchs so funny looking?
The reign in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

What does it mean when your girlfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

What do women and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

South Americans must be incompetent, I heard it took one Brazilian to screw in a light bulb.

Do you know what 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

Well, it’s a good joke, @Hypocrisy_Central, but you walked all over the punchline:

“I throw the money up in the air. Whatever god wants, he keeps for himself. The rest is mine.”

Thanks @CWOTUS Some people just can’t tell a joke…

Why do women fake orgasms??????
Because they think men care.

Jesus has just been crucified and is hanging on the cross.

His family, friends and disciples are gathered at the base of the hill wailing and distraught when they hear a voice softly calling out: “Peter, Peter”

Peter responds “I am coming Lord!” and starts up the hill where he encounters a group of Roman soldiers who ask him where he thinks he is going and what he thinks he is doing?

Peter answers “My Lord calls me and I must go to him.” The soldiers laugh and proceed to beat the crap out of him, kicking and rolling him back down the base of hill.

Again he hears the voice of Jesus still faintly calling out to him: “Peter, Peter”.

And again, Peter answers and starts back up the hill where he, again, encounters the Roman soldiers who, again, beat him mercilessly and send him rolling back down to the bottom of the hill.

As he picks himself up Peter again hears the voice of Jesus weakly calling out to him; “Peter, Peter”.

“I am coming Lord” answers Peter and, once again, starts up the hill toward Jesus. This time he somehow manages to fight his way through the Roman soldiers and looks up to find himself at the foot of the cross.

Bruised, beaten and bleeding from a half a dozen wounds Peter pulls himself upright and, holding onto the cross, says “Lord, It is Peter, I am here”

Jesus looks down upon Peter and says:

“Peter, I can see your house from up here”.

@rojo OMG LOL! :D