Post-funeral: Not everyone's invited to the restaurant, so what do you say to them so there are no hurt feelings?

I would say that those extras who want to attend, please pay for their own meals. Company is always encouraged, but the restaurant is given a budget and it will be stuck to. If you weren’t specifically invited, but would like to join us, your meal will be on your own bill. Arrange accordingly.

I see your point and Greeks as well as Italians have this custom. From Greek friends who have been through this, I saw that they made it clear that only immediate family and close friends were invited. They just said they wished everyone could be invited but that it was impossible to have every single person join the farewell lunch. Even better on such occasions is coffee/tea and biscuits for ALL who attend the service. Such cases put one in a difficult position.

When Mom died, we had a huge get together at a local pizza place after the funeral and internment. It was informal, but cozy and the small town… well, they all knew why we were there. There were extras that came and they weren’t immediate family. They knew that putting a couple $20’s on the bar paid for their share and might go toward the total bill. Some soda was paid for but no alcohol. Neither of my parents drank alcohol and it was just something we all respected. My dad was really grateful for the company and it helped the conversation going. I don’t remember much. Caught up in the wave of people and the hugs and feelings of warmth. I think it really depends on the culture and what is expected. I don’t think I ate or drank anything, actually.

I’m confused….you said “my family planned the lunch” and then you say “Since this is not how my family is choosing to do it ”?? Not sure what to say here other than tell your guests that the family is wanting to adjourn after with immediate family only and thank them for coming. This seems to be out of your hand and it will be unavoidable that you will ruffle some feathers.

@Cruiser: My sister and stepfather planned it and my stepfather (My mother’s husband) is paying for it. My sister and stepfather chose to do it at the expensive restaurant, close friends and family only.

My dear, @jca, if I can give you any advice though this difficult day…. it is this: Look for the love. There will be people there ready to catch you. There will be soft places to land. If they aren’t at the after dinner function, there will be other people to lean on. Really.

Let others who really want to be with you know that they can come, if the restaurant has room, but it will be on their own bill. You aren’t paying and it’s all be pre-organised. People will understand.

I would answer, “oh, the family is having a small lunch, not a reception or gathering. That’s how my stepfather wants it”. Emphasize it is a family thing, so they will understand.

I think @zenvelo‘s advice is good. You’d like them to be there, but it’s a small family lunch and only family is invited. I hope the day goes well. I’m very sorry for your loss @jca.

I like @zenvelo ‘s advice.

On a side note, it is interesting to read/learn how people from different cultures handle this sort of thing.

I am so sorry about your mom @jca. The loss of a parent just opens up a void in front of you. It is frightening and disconcerting. I know your kids are feeling the pain of the loss of their grandmother. ♥♥♥

How about having a second, more informal lunch or dinner the next day, at a less expensive restaurant? Everyone can be invited, and pay their own tab.

I don’t have much to add but wanted to say that I hope you and your daughter get through today ok. Funerals are hard especially when people mess with the rituals.

Update from the Update Lady: It turned out ok. At the cemetery, I talked to my stepfather and said there are these two people from work, and can they just come, too? He said ok and I told him he should just announce it because he’s the host. He did and one came, one left. Dinner was for a minimum of 30 people and 28 came. It was a really good dinner at this great steakhouse.

To me, that was the only blip in the whole two day thing, because as I stated above, I didn’t want any awkwardness or hurt feelings. Thankfully, it turned out ok. The majority of people who were not close to her had to go back to work so it was only the close friends and family anyway who went to dinner.

We had this whole party room. There were 18 empty bottles of wine at the end.

Everyone said the whole day was incredible which was the best part. Such a great celebration of her life.

Thank you, all, for the kind words. Thank you also for the advice given above.