What is the cost of altruism and can it go too far?

I guess it comes down to what you decide is “too far”.

It’s quite admirable that you not only want to but actually “do” help others. Most people probably feel the urge without giving in to that urge to the extent that they would leave the house and actually work productively toward that end, especially with the devotion that you have described. I certainly haven’t done anything long term to the extent that you have.

On the other hand, many people have done altruistic acts that not only put their lives at risk, but sometimes they lose that risk, too, and sacrifice their lives – not quite as deliberately and over as much time as you seem to be doing – but we hear about these things pretty frequently. I’ve done things that, had they played out in a different way, could have put me in considerable danger, and I’ve done that knowing (sometimes) that the effort could have bad a bad outcome. But when I do that knowingly, I consider that the person I’m trying to help is at even more risk. I figure that I’m going to die sometime, anyway, so it would be better – at least to my way of thinking – to go out in a noble attempt to help others. But I would only make that sacrifice – knowingly, anyway – if I thought that it had a good chance of success.

On the other hand, I don’t think that “self-sacrifice” is a great idea if you’re doing it over a long term, as you have described, and if there are other ways that you can accomplish the same ends without some form of self-immolation. (I’m not saying that you have a death wish, but if you are knowingly creating a situation that could preclude the possibility of helping as you want to, then is it not counter-productive to continue along the same path?)

To give an example which really happened: Last winter one night as I was standing in my front room just looking at the sidewalk and the road I saw an unusual sight. A young woman was walking down the sidewalk, which is not at all unusual, but there was man driving a car and following her at “walking speed”, and the driver and pedestrian were occasionally speaking to each other. That was extraordinarily unusual, especially since she never stopped walking. (You’d think that a friend greeting another friend in this way would stop and they’d talk “normally.)

It was so unusual, and seemed so “off” to me that I put on my shoes, ran out the door and started following them, myself. I was about 100 meters behind them (as she continued to walk and he continued to follow in the car at her speed), so I could not speak to her, but several times I called out to ask if she needed assistance. The parade continued. Eventually, the car stopped, she stopped too, and they seemed to be talking through his open window. In about a minute or so she opened the door herself, got into the car, and it took off.

I don’t know what might have happened if the man driving the car had been violent, crazy jealous of my “attention” or a kidnapper or worse, but I wanted to offer assistance to the woman “just in case” one of those things was happening. As I walked back to the house, and just before I turned into my driveway, another man in another car stopped to say hello. In this way I got to meet another “guard dog” neighbor who had also seen the scenario play out, and who had been driving by. So I wasn’t alone in thinking that there was something wrong with that, or in wanting to help – and it was good to meet another well-intentioned neighbor that way.

All the time that was playing out I was thinking that “this could end badly”. But I still did it because the risk – at the time and in the way it was going – seemed “potential” and “manageable”. On the other hand, I doubt that I would have thrown myself in front of his car if his intent had ever been to run her down. That would have been “actual harm” to me, and very little chance of helping.

See the difference?

If you’re starting to do “actual harm” to yourself then you won’t be in a position to help, you will need help yourself (which will subtract however marginally from the “potential help that the world could offer” to others), and it may prevent you from ever helping in the future.

So knowing all of that but still continuing on the same path sounds not only unproductive but counterproductive. Not rational, in other words.

@CWOTUS Thank you so much for your answer! I totally get what you say.

A couple of weeks ago I witnessed a man being beaten almost to death by four huge thugs just in front of me. I froze, couldn’t move. It was the first time I saw something like this. When the police came they ran towards and passed me.

I’ve played this scene inside my head many times since then. What could I have done? Why didn’t I do anything? If I had acted, what would have happened to me?

I have felt guilt of not acting, but I am not ashamed. I did some calculation on the outcome and the result – and I would have been hurt and dragged into something I should stay out of.

But I mostly was terrified and scared.

My father told me about something not so different that happened to him when he was a young-middle-aged man.

At the time he was working as a construction manager on a small project in New Jersey. He was in a bank parking lot when he saw a man being beaten and robbed. I asked him what he had done about that, since he told me about it years after it had happened, and my father was not one to put up with injustice. “Nothing,” he said. He just drove away.

I was surprised, because that was unlike him. So I asked him why. It turns out that he had made a somewhat similar calculation to yours – and with a wrinkle. Since he was the construction manager, he had been in the bank to pick up the week’s payroll for the job. (A lot of construction jobs continued to pay cash on payday even into the 1960s and 70s.) So he had several thousand dollars of “other people’s money” with him. Aside from the personal risk, he would have been risking the company’s money if he had attracted the attention of the robbers, which would have been very likely, of course. (Not to mention that he would have missed paying the boilermakers on their regular payday, which would have caused problems with them, too.)

So he did nothing and drove away. I know it bothered him, but … we cannot solve all of the world’s problems.

Wow, you haven’t been around here in ages. Welcome back.

@CWOTUS: Here’s what happened. The couple were in the car together, going somewhere, and they got into an argument. It was a bad one, most likely over something that was already a big trouble spot for them. She got so angry that she told him off and jumped out of the car, probably at a stoplight. She probably told him they were through and she would effing well walk home, so get lost.

And naturally he followed her, trying to mollify her, trying to persuade her to get back into the car. Maybe she was a long way from home, maybe there was no public transportation or taxi service nearby, maybe she didn’t know the neighborhood, maybe she wasn’t carrying any money. In any case, he was worried and didn’t want to leave her like that.

Which of course she was counting on.

Eventually, when she’d walked far enough and he’d said enough of what she wanted to hear, she got back in.

It was kind of you to try to help, but she didn’t want it. They were totally focused on each other, and she got what she was after.

Hi! Very long time since I have seen you here. Nice to see you. :)

It sounds like you need to strike a balance. Put some limits on how much you help others while sacrificing yourself. It’s been said there are no purely altruistic acts, because the person doing the act is reaping some sort of reward, even if it’s just a good feeling.

I think it’s great you have been helping people in so much need. Are you sure there is not some sort of organization you can do it through that will help foot more of the financial bill, and your sacrifice will be mostly your time rather than money? If you get to the point that you can’t pay your own bills that’s too far I think. It’s so hard though, because I completely understand that the people you are helping aren’t even thinking about bills, they are just trying to get through the day.

If you are having some misgivings, pay attention to those thoughts and feelings.

I’m sure that you’re right, @Jeruba, and I had a similar realization after the situation resolved itself a half-mile down the road, making me feel somewhat foolish when they drove off. (I had a similar girlfriend; it was one of the reasons I didn’t start running after them.) But at the moment they passed the house it seemed different in ways that I can’t verbalize. (For one thing, my crazy ex-girlfriend never left the car; she just threatened to when we stopped or slowed, and eventually – to make me stop again, I guess – threw her shoes out the window.) It made my skin crawl when these two passed, though, so I committed. I was lucky that it resolved the way that it did, but as i left the driveway to follow them, I had no clear idea how it would work out.

In relation to my original post, and my own issues, I’ve been thinking.

Basically, would I have, recently, shown the acts of altruism I have if my personal life had not been a mess? Does altruism require a person’s own experiences of need in order to meet other’s?

@jazzjeppe No. Homeschooled children who are raised to give to others without expectation of a reward (altruism) don’t think like that. The rewards they receive are intangible, but real nevertheless. It builds compassion, for starters.