[Update] I really have outgrown my friends for real. Is this a bad thing?

“It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company” – George Washington

Even when I was young, I noticed that I was always the friend-of-last-resort. Whenever there was nothing better to do and no one better to hang out with, I was the one who picked up the slack and could be relied on to be there. See, thing is, I don’t do small talk. I’m not a fun person to talk to. Most people who know me say I am interesting, intelligent, an excellent conversationalist… but difficult. I don’t have a volume button or an off switch. I’m always at full intensity. I’ve always been like that. My own parents told me they didn’t like me and wouldn’t want to even talk to me if I wasn’t their son. (It’s been five or six years since the last time I spoke to my father, and he may even be dead; no one in my family would care enough to track me down and tell me.)

Since I have no interest in fun, I realized many years ago that my choices were either to learn how to tolerate my own company and live with solitude, or to spend the rest of my life pretending to be something I’m not in a desperate attempt to surround myself with people too stupid to see the real me, and who would reject me if they did. I decided that I could live with loneliness much easier than I could live with hypocrisy and chose a life alone. I have never regretted it. In my opinion, you’ve made the right choice as long as you’re strong enough to bear the isolation.

Give it a little time and you’ll make new friends. You don’t have to worry about it or rush out to find new friends, and it’s a nice time to take advantage of no social obligations and do your own thing. Most people want, and I’ll go as far to say, need friends. We are social beings. Some people get friendship through family, and they don’t need any people from outside of the family to fulfill the need.

Be open, be friendly to people, if you find someone interesting invite them to hang out or go to lunch. But, don’t feel like you have to push anything.

Also, you never know, you might be friends with one of the people in your current group ten years from now. Things change and sometimes come full circle.

The friend who basically just cut you loose probably did you a favor. Now, you don’t have to think about it, he broke up with you. Next time, if you can, don’t rely on the other person to do it. Follow what you know already feels right. In my opinion friendships typically shouldn’t need such a formal break. You should be able to heat them up or cool them off at various times throughout life. There are exceptions though.

Since you’re in school, as you say, then I’m going to assume that you’re still fairly young. When you get out of school and, again I’m presuming, you get a job (whether that distresses @SmashTheState or not – you’ve got to do what’s right for you, and that will probably be some form of what 99% of the rest of us have found to be right for us) and move away, finding new friends will be a natural thing.

For some it is never difficult and for some it is never easy. What works for me – and I’ll be honest and say that recently “not a lot has worked” – may not work for you, and vice versa.

But if you just want to get started on the process, then “getting out to meet people” is a great way to start. For years I’ve recommended meetup.com as a low-to-no-cost way of getting out to events with like-minded people, whether that’s eating together at a particular restaurant, going to a concert or movie, hiking, running, kayaking – whatever your interest, there’s a Meetup group probably getting together sometime this month and doing it. The whole premise of the thing is that ‘people come and go’, so the various Meetup groups are always welcoming to new blood. You may attend once and decide, “Eh, not for me,” and just not show up again. There won’t be any hard feelings.

I can say without reservation that one of the high points of every month is my book club meetup that I’ve been attending for over six years now – and which (now) contains some of my closest friends.

Edit to add: And no, it’s not a bad thing at all when you outgrow friends, especially “friends” who only take from you or bring you down. However, it’s perfectly natural to feel some anxiety as you make the realization, as you’ve explained, and start to leave them behind. Think of yourself as a pioneer now.

I have to give credit to your friend for expressing his feelings. Just as you did not fall to pieces, I think the others already have an idea of what you are going through and will not be offended by your wish to move on.

As for meeting new friends, I can’t do better than to give the usual advice of finding people who share common interests with you. Many people find friends at their church. Meetup.com is also a good place to start.

Give yourself some time. If you go to college, there will be opportunities to find friends and also when you enter the work force. In the meantime, learn to appreciate your own company. It is an odd irony of life that we are often most attracted to those who are the most at ease with themselves.

@micchon: I’m always hungry for details. Can you just tell what you did or didn’t do for your friend to say he’s done with you? Did you not respond to requests to join them, or did you say you’d join and then not show up?

@jca Since I figured I’ve outgrown them (5 months ago), he’s been inviting me to sleepover at our friends house but I kept ignoring him or pretending “I’m busy” y’know… (never answer calls and messages, not replying on Facebook despite being online). I just can’t say no because I was kind of hoping they would just stop inviting me over once I “stay busy”. So I pretend I’m busy and ignore them… I feel so anxious to end our friendships.

@micchon: I feel honesty is the best policy for you to tell your friend what’s up. If it were me, I would have been insulted that you didn’t respond to requests, calls and messages, too.

I guess that I missed or glossed over that you had been ignoring repeated invitations to get together with your old friends. It’s rude at best to simply not respond. That’s “at best”. What you’re doing is ghosting them:

From a definition that I read online:
Ghosting refers to the act of breaking off a relationship by ceasing all communication and contact with the former partner without any apparent warning or justification, as well as avoiding and/or ignoring and refusing to respond in any way to the former partner’s attempts to reach out or communicate.

In this case it’s not “a partner”, obviously, and it’s not a romantic relationship, but the principle is the same. You’re taking a coward’s way out. That’s going to leave a bitter taste in their mouths, and it’s not going to make you feel good about yourself, either.

So my kindest suggestion to you at this time (it really is) is that you grow up, stiffen your backbone and “just say no”. You don’t have to elaborate; you don’t have to explain yourself – neither to me nor anyone here nor your former friends, either – but you should give them the courtesy and dignity of a response, and an acknowledgement of your former relationship, even if it’s just that one word, “No.”

Seriously, grow up. Okay, you can’t see me, so let me set the scene for you: I’m a much older man, and I’m looking directly at you with a serious but decidedly not angry or mean expression, and I’m telling you: “It’s time.”

I must be missing something. I thought that the friend said, “he loves me to bits, but he’s done with me.”

@LostInParadise: Read my question to the OP above and his response.