What can I do to help my boyfriend forget about his past?

Welcome to Fluther.

My first advice would be to “set realistic expectations”. Don’t attempt to make his birthday “the best day of his life”, even though it may not exactly set you up for failure, considering the quality of his life as you describe it so far. Instead, aim for making it “a good birthday”, which is certainly something that you or anyone who cares for him can achieve without unreasonable stress and effort. (And at your age and your current new relationship status, “unreasonable effort” would be inappropriate. You can’t save the world on ten weeks’ notice; you should not attempt that. You’ll learn about the expression “don’t make the perfect the enemy of the good” someday; this is a good time to start.)

My second advice would be not to put boundless faith in the stories that new acquaintances tell you, and that applies especially in a budding romantic relationship, applies more at your young age and inexperience with the world, and applies most especially if the story continues to keep getting worse each time you hear it. I’m not saying that “this is your boyfriend”, but this is how con artists work, too. Be careful about over-investing too much, too quickly.

My final advice for now – on this topic, anyway – would be to make sure that your care and concern for him is at least reciprocated. Does all the help and concern go one way, from you to him? That’s not a healthy sign. Some people are natural givers, and you sound like you might be that kind of person. That’s a fine thing. But some people are natural takers, too – and they frequently seek out and latch onto the givers, because it makes life so much easier for them. Again, I’m not making assumptions or accusations about your new boyfriend; I’m just saying – from long experience – that these are real things to watch out for. We can be pretty sure that he will return your “affections” (I recall being that young, too, and “returning affection” to a girl who seemed to care is no trouble at all; in fact it can be hella enjoyable, but … be careful.) Don’t set yourself up to make the same kinds of mistakes that others obviously made. (And I’m not saying that your boyfriend is “a mistake”, either, but if his birth resulted from an unwanted pregnancy and a failed abortion, then it’s clear why others might say that. It’s a cruel thing to say about a human that he was “a mistake”, but it would not be unfair to say that “his birth was the result of a string of failures” on the part of both of his parents. That’s still harsh, but it’s accurate – still not a way to characterize a young man, though.)

Finally, and only peripherally related to your question and any advice on the exact topic of your question, encourage him to continue his education, and you work on yours, too. If you both do that together and encourage each other, then that would be a fine thing. Start with “my boyfriend and I are 14 … etc.”, and work on your writing skills (including paragraph breaks – they’re a thing now). Seriously, though – education is the ticket for both of you to improve your lives, and at this point in your lives it’s free to you both. Get as much of it as you can.

While it’s great that you feel so much like helping, at 14 there isn’t much you can do to change his life circumstances and that wouldn’t be an appropriate role. You can’t take care of him. The best thing you can do is to be a good friend to him (because a girlfriend or boyfriend is also a friend). Having a friendship like that can be a real bright spot, and hopefully he will be the same for you. Does he bring happiness and positivity into your life, or is the whole relationship like your post above? (Him telling about bad things that happened, you feeling guilty and worried.)

@CWOTUS has a couple very good points in his post. It’s a little concerning that you feel this much personal responsibility for a new boyfriend, and that his story keeps getting worse and worse. Those two things, plus the mention of his bad temper, set off red flags that this could potentially turn into an abusive or controlling relationship. That happened to me in my late teens and early 20s, and at that age I didn’t have enough life experience to see it coming or to handle it when it happened. Nobody told me what to watch out for. As you date him, think about things like:

- Are you proud to tell your friends and family about the things he does and the way he treats you?
– Do you feel pressured to do things that make you uncomfortable?
– Do you find yourself making excuses for his behavior or covering for him?
– Do you feel unhappy or unstable for seemingly no reason?
– Would you want to see your best friend or sister date someone like him?

One feeling I remember very well is feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions- so if they have an angry outburst, it’s YOUR fault for doing (some random thing.) Or feeling like you can’t break up with them because their life is already so awful. Feeling guilty or like you can’t do anything right go hand in hand with this. When I was young, nobody told me that another person’s emotions are their sole responsibility. You can choose to listen and empathize if you want, but you are NEVER responsible for another person’s feelings!!

If you believe that his home life is unsafe, neglectful, abusive, etc., the absolute best thing you can do is tell a trustworthy adult. Your parents, a guidance counselor, or a good teacher will all know what to do next if his parents aren’t taking care of him properly. That kind of problem is WAY beyond your scope, because you’re so young. At the very least, a guidance counselor could help find a free/afforable therapist. He might also be a good candidate for a mentoring organization like Big Brothers/ Big Sisters. In other words, the help and encouragement of a caring ADULT could make a big difference in his life circumstances.

The fact that you care and want to spend time with him will make his birthday special,regardless of what plans you make. It sounds like you’re being a very good friend (which is the foundation of being a girlfriend or boyfriend.) Try to treat this new relationship just like a new friendship where you’re still getting to know each other, and don’t be afraid to confide in a trustworthy adult.

^^ Very good advice by @cwotus. Additionally you can help him become a better person if he reciprocates to your good intentions by leaving bad habits like cursing etc. Try to give emotional support which he needs most looking at his current situation ( if it’s true). But always keep your eyes open as advised by @cwtous. Never ever have blind faith on anyone which can prove very costly.

Just be his best friend besides being his girlfriend. Support him emotionally and a bit financially if you can afford to. He has such a hard, or I would say unlucky life which is sad. Anyway, the only person who can really help him toward a brighter life overall is still himself. He needs much encouragement and support.