Why do people have impossible standards for marriage?

What are you researching? When using human subjects, you’re supposed to inform them of the research and goals of the project.

I am researching the different factors on which marriage is based on in different parts of the world.

You must first ask why do they want to get married?

Some people (such as myself), get married to escape a difficult home life, thinking that marriage would be easier than that. It wasn’t, and my expectation was unrealistic. I will add that even though it wasn’t a good reason to get married I did weather the storm and we recently celebrated our 39th anniversary.

I think you need to specify what those “impossible standards” are. If you are referring to monogamy, it’s an impossible standard for some but not for others. What other impossible standards might you be referring to?

I already asked that question “Snowberry” and gradually after many questions I progressed to this. The situation is in regards with the natural theory of selection and it’s different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables when integrated with the acquisition of a suitable spouse. Usually people have got justifiable standards but now some of them are developing a revolutionary system that is influencing the society in a new evolution to mentally and physically synchronize with each other.

As I recall, the first part of the book How To Be An Adult In Relationships talks a bit about this in an intelligent way (and then goes on to suggest more functional alternatives, with many exercises and breakdowns by topic).

I think there’s naturally no one right way to answer your broad and general question.

However I think the interesting places to look are around archetypes and myth (see Jung etc.), and around human emotional and therapeutic/healing needs, for which there is a natural pull to personal intimacy from someone who can listen and heal, leading to attraction to such people, whether they are healthy or not. Then we get added to that the industry-warped versions of our age-old healing lore, in the form of corporate-productized versions of our story archetypes transmogrified into Hollywood/Disney cliche` stories, advertising pandering to the dysfunctional side (e.g. diamond ring ads), and other cultural dysfunctional thinking, such as the impossible ideals that we should really all stay 20-somethings and be completely physically and emotionally problem-free and all our finances should be great despite an economic model framed around ever-increasing corporate profits, and on and on.

Impossible standards are the demands of shallow and superficial rankings and ratings “jca” of different factors in a person’s fame, fortune, wealth, property, assets, possessions, materials, politics, power, influence or even philosophical or psychological evaluations and even more so gauging somebody according to his/her socio-economic geo-political status in a specific permutation or combination which should always be of a very high standard that are not easily fulfilled internationally by majority of the people in the whole world.

Because everyone has different ideas and your definition of “impossible standards” probably varies dramatically from mine, and many others. Your question is indeed “too broad and general” (nod to @Zaku) and your fancy run on sentence right above this post really does nothing to clarify, but does reinforce that it is too broad and general. Really. Trying to reference the “majority of the people in the whole world” is a bit over the top.

Right, too broad and general. There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to this vague “impossible standards.”
Immaturity is usually one slice of the pie, being selfish, self centered, expecting someone to “make you happy”, completely unrealistic. The ideal that marriage should last “forever”, when, in reality, very few things, including relationships last “forever.”

Coupled, pun intended with ones personal psychological, cultural, familial and societal programming and mental/emotional health, well…the mitigating factors of this mysterious impossible standards is as wide and high as the sky and as varied as the individuals involved.

I agree “canidmajor” that the question is too broad and general especially when human nature is taken into consideration, but what i was trying to say about “majority” was that ideally speaking we are not able to fulfill those requirements if they are way over the top instead humans learn how to improvise so if a girl wants Matt Damon and she can’t have him she will learn how to settle for Jake Gyllenhaal. The logic is there but does morality allow us to do so, so the question is more of a philosophical nature that how are we supposed to base our selection criteria on getting a suitable spouse without compromising our moral integrity and our peaceful happiness by going after something that is real and not illusive.

Similarly the problems of arranged marriages in underdeveloped countries further increases the range of the question so I might have to ultimately break it down but the point is there.

^ Love IS a choice, plain and simple. It is not based on emotion, or attraction after the initial “meet, mate, procreate” surge of hormones. You make a conscious decision to love and honor another human being, not for what you can get from the arrangement but from what you can give. If both parties are more concerned with giving over a steady stream of unreciprocated receiving this is the best chance scenario to create something lasting. People also change greatly as they mature and in modern times this, often, leads to a parting of the ways.

In days gone by most people didn’t live into their 50’s,60’s and beyond so “til death we do part” was maaaybe 10,15,20 years tops, before one or the other partners was dead.
Precluding the self actualization process in mid-life, late 30’s through early 50’s, with the 40’s being a critical juncture for most.
Most people died within a year or two of their last child leaving home so avoided all the mid-life shifts so common in our ongoing development in modern times.

So the question arises “Coloma” how do we fall in love that would be most genuine in it’s purity and based on our moral principles that are integrated with the foundation of reality?

I don’t think you’ve already asked those preliminary questions on this site, “kungfujedimaster24,” at least not under that “name.”

I would say that when you’re planning to hitch your wagon to someone else’s with the assumption that it might be for a lifetime, it’s better to have too high standards than too low. But I don’t think the premise is true necessarily or there might be far fewer marriages than there are and possibly fewer divorces.

kungfujedimaster24: If you want to tag someone, do the ”” sign and then you’ll see the list of names that have responded so far on this thread. If you start typing their name and then click “enter” when you see it, the name will show up in red, as yours does here.

For some reason, your name didn’t show up in red.

Why not a balance of standards that are based on moral principles rather than materialistic ambitions but then again a balance of standards is a relative perspective which is going to be different for different types of people.

Aspiration vs. reality. When they meet the right person they usually do some compromising and find a way to fit them into their life. LOL. Shoot for the sky and you’ll make it over the hill.

Since many marriages work, obviously not all people have impossible standards.

Because people have impossible standards. Period.

In general we have unrealistic expectations of others, and often also of ourselves. Marriage partners are just a special case of that.

This is not a great way to phrase this question if you’re attempting to get regional information.

The question itself is very vague, you don’t ask for location or cultural background, and you have no way of knowing whether we’re lying. This can’t be for any kind of real study.

If you’re simply curious about why people have high expectations for their mates, just say so.

@kungfujedimaster24 Well to start, the whole premise of “opposites attract” is true, for those individuals that are, unconsciously of course, feeling attracted to the missing components within their selves. Psychologically speaking most of us, especially in our younger years, find ourselves attracted to others that embody the weaker, undeveloped sides of ourselves. The shy introvert that is attracted to the flamboyant, free spirited extrovert. Usually these couplings end up as a match made in hell, rather than heaven.

Part of our life work is to integrate all aspects of our totality and not seek vicarious expression of those missing parts through others. Of course we do not want a carbon copy of ourselves but, ultimately, the more well integrated our psyches are the less we need to find others to express our repressed or missing parts. The truth is that the more similarities in common the better it works. Two homebodies are going to be a better match than one homebody and one party animal, obviously.

A deeply religious person is, most likely, not going to be happy with an atheist, an active, life of the party, intellectual type is not going to find satisfaction with a near mute, couch potato, sports addict. A fitness fanatic is not going to have much in common with a heroin addict. You get the jist, I’m sure.
Of course we can adapt, modify and stretch to accommodate our partners, but if the stretch is too strectchy it’s going to end up snapping us in the face like an over wound rubber band. lol

Seeking similar values, goals, morals and personality styles is your best best for lasting compatibility. Sooo…if you’re a marathon runner, probably not going to find the love of your life in McDonalds or sitting at a bar slinging back their 7th drink. haha
Most importantly, never, ever, think you can change another. This is probably the number one relationship killer hands down.

I agree that the question is too broad. What do you call impossible standards. I’ve been with my husband now for 35 years and come next February married for 35 years. My standards were till death do us part, be kind to each other, work on our relationship together, fidelity, raise our children together with love and discipline. Talk to each other about problems before they become huge and always try to be considerate of family members. Never become addicted to drugs and alcohol, follow laws, and work to keep our family fed and with a roof over our heads and be true to our country. You may find any one of these impossible but we managed to make it all work. And to be there for each other in good times and bad times till death due us part. Some we had difficulty doing, but we have always maintained a great friendship and respect when love was taking a vacation because of hard times and we never forgot our vow that we are in this marriage as a team and one person cannot do all the lifting to make it work. So we would talk things out and make each other happy again and love would find its way back. He is still my best friend and most important love and I know I am his.

Marriage isn’t and impossible thing. People just marry for the wrong reason or believe love is all that is needed. Friendship, respect and honor and real commitment is what is needed.
Expecting that things will not change and grow would make ones standards impossible. We all change. But equally expecting to change the other person is also unrealistic and would be an impossible standard.

Many marriages are also not working @filmfann but you are right, not all of us have impossible standards however we also still need to understand the rise in the exponential rate of divorce in the global network as the statistical probability of a marriage resulting in divorce has increased to more than 50% internationally which means something is drastically going wrong probably due to multiple factors like mental, physical, practical, pragmatical, psychological, psychiatrical, financial, economical or even sexual.

Also I would definitely like to mention @Seek that we have talked about this before and I understand that the question is very broad and general; might even have a hint of pessimism or cynicism but it’s validity is still there. A multidimensional question usually opens up many doors out of which multiple groups can take different pathways which makes it more interesting as we indulge ourselves in better form of intellectual conversations. I can’t know for sure if someone is lying obviously but we can definitely understand the logic or rationale that would be based on absolute truth or universal facts or even if the matter is subjective or relative. We can’t be absolute or objective in every philosophical ideology but we can try to make some sense of our lives in this dimension or reality, and location or cultural backgrounds are of secondary importance not primary. First we need to understand what makes a marriage most pure and moral so that we can build a stronger foundation on it, which bring us to the ultimate question “How do we morally fall in love without falling prey to superficiality?”

I think the problem is that the terms and expectations of traditional marriage are changing now that we can easily divorce, as shown by the high divorce rates in every country where divorce is allowed. Only half the marriages seem capable of surviving the different normal stages of development in a human life and I think it is amazing that half do.

I’ve felt for years that we become different people in values, etc., during the childless years, the child rearing years, middle age and career oriented years, golden years and infirm years. In all of these we may become attracted to different kinds of people according to what stage we are in. We all are much different people than we were in our twenties. And couples often don’t move on to the next stage in synch. So it’s not surprising that 50% reach out for new partners at different times during their lives.

Loyalty certainly is a virtue and should be commended and half of married people seem to agree, but there is the other half—a growing other half—who seem to need to change partners or go solo in order to find fulfillment in their lives. Eventually, I think our societies will accommodate this with acceptance as we have the changes of life.

I can’t know for sure if someone is lying obviously but we can definitely understand the logic or rationale that would be based on absolute truth or universal facts or even if the matter is subjective or relative.

And logically, there’s no way you’re doing this for research of any formal kind, so we have our first liar.

First we need to understand what makes a marriage most pure and moral so that we can build a stronger foundation on it,

Why? What does “pure and moral” mean with regards to marriage? Who decides that and by what authority? Using what metric?

Are there “universal truths” or “universal facts”? I can’t think of anything that is “universally true” when it comes to human beings, beyond the most basic physical needs for oxygen, hydration, and sustenance.

With all due respect @Seek if i start telling you the whole research model design then it would probably turn this whole thing into a techy discussion and i would probably need to write a whole book. If you really want to understand then ask the question and not make your own assumptions. If you still need the who, what, when, where, which, why and how, I am formulating the whole thesis with a full team and I would be more than happy to provide you with the manuscript but it is going to take time and until that period you would just have to wait but seriously dude you need to relax; I have quite a significant level of data already available and I am right now using 24 different kinds of forums with the same question in order to get a reasonable feedback and gauging the pilot of the general public. Not one person in any of my threads has objected to the intention of the question but might have objected to the style of the question. I don’t need to lie on intention my friend; there is no logical motive. I am not in a recruitment agency or a dating service. If a painter started to analyse everything that he wanted to do before he even touched the canvas, he won’t be able to draw a single line because he would not know where to make the first dot on the paper.

@Seek Purity and morality may not be mathematically measured like love and compassion but it does not mean that they do not have any value. Obviously everyone would have a different idea about it but they would have something in common which I want to find out. In the beginning of the thread @snowberry advised or suggested that my question should be like “Why do people want to get married?” which is just fine but then the discussion would have diverted towards the advantages or disadvantages of marriage and I have already asked those questions. Absolute truths and universal facts are just things that we use to justify an act of morality or purity but not the act itself. If a girl marries a guy’s money; it’s logical but not moral. It has been going on for 200000 years and contemplated by influential philosophers throughout history but everybody has his own philosophy but then again we can at least find a common ground from where we can progress and evolve into a better species rather than just stick to the regular package. If anybody tries to focus on the system you begin to realize that there a lot of glitches but if you want me to give you everything in black and white then it is not going to be possible.

It might make your research goals more clear if you could write shorter sentences. It gets hard to understand what you are trying to say.

Alrighty then. What are the “impossible standards” are you talking about? Either you leave it up to us to define, or define them yourself. (Sheesh!)

I would love to hear how you and your “full team of researchers” are formulating a thesis based on the responses of anonymous internet forum users to hopelessly vague questions.

And since this account you’re posting from has only one question, I’d also appreciate you linking to your other questions that you claim we’ve spoken on. While using multiple accounts isn’t strictly banned on Fluther unless it’s used for deception or Lurve gaming, it’s pretty damned rude to not let us know who we’re talking to.

I’ll address your other response separately.

@janbb Message understood.

Purity and morality may not be mathematically measured like love and compassion but it does not mean that they do not have any value.
– So far, they don’t even have a definition. You need to define the parameters of your question so I know what I’m answering. Whose definition of “purity”, and whose definition of “morality”?

Obviously everyone would have a different idea about it but they would have something in common which I want to find out.
– Yes. Exactly. Everyone has a different idea. Which is why the term “universal truths” doesn’t work. If everyone’s idea or interpretation is different, they aren’t universal. That’s how words work.

Absolute truths and universal facts are just things that we use to justify an act of morality or purity but not the act itself.
– This sentence is nonsensical.

If a girl marries a guy’s money; it’s logical but not moral.
– Says who?

It has been going on for 200000 years and contemplated by influential philosophers throughout history but everybody has his own philosophy but then again we can at least find a common ground from where we can progress and evolve into a better species rather than just stick to the regular package.
– Huh? Money as a concept hasn’t been around for 200,000 years, much less marriage or marriage for money. We were barely a species that long ago. I have no idea what “regular package” you’re referring to.

If anybody tries to focus on the system you begin to realize that there a lot of glitches but if you want me to give you everything in black and white then it is not going to be possible.
– What system? What glitches?

@kungfujedimaster24 With all due respect @Seek if i start telling you the whole research model design then it would probably turn this whole thing into a techy discussion and i would probably need to write a whole book.

Not really. All you have to do is copy&paste your one-page abstract describing the research goals and methods that is sent out by the sponsor to research outfits for bidding on the project in order to meet the ethical standards of your ethics boards and which is part of the criteria for legitimate research. Abstracts are published for peer and ethical review and not necessarily proprietary. The abstract is reviewed before the research is begun and the project in progress is continuously reviewed by the Board and sponsor throughout the life of the project to keep it copacetic. Otherwise, the research and results will have no respect in the scientific community and be essentially worthless.

Give us the abstract and we’ll suss out the rest.

Seek would do well on an Ethics Review Commission. Those questions she is asking you are very similar to what your outfit would be asked in review.

@Espiritus_Corvus I apologize brother but i can’t do that right now, because this question is a small part of a larger project and not based on general public. If I wanted to do that I would have gone to specific professionals but since I have made my intention known I would ask my team leader and see whether I am at liberty to divulge this piece of information; for the time being I am not as it would compromise the confidentiality of our research. Again I am repeating that this question is for research purposes but not the whole research itself.

The question however is definitely open for discussion for which the thread was created and some people have a problem with that which is just fine but having a problem with my research parameters that nobody knows about is absolutely pointless. As you can see that even writing four lines has brought up more questions than answers; if I showed you the abstract it would bring the Armageddon and open up the gates of hell, however i would definitely like to clarify my “Impossible Standards” just like @snowberry asked me to in a separate response down below.

Well, I’m not asking for the complete project protocol, which is proprietary. I’m just asking for the abstract, which is not.

@Espiritus Corvus It is a work in progress but i’ll ask my team leader first. We are adding and subtracting a lot of things.

@Espiritus_Corvus Seek would do well as my executioner as well.

Just kidding.

It’s also important to mention that it’s rather unethical to use people for a formal study without their knowledge or consent.

As I look over my first response, I DID tell you why I had impossible expectations for marriage. At the time, I married to escape a horrid home life, thinking it would be better. I couldn’t know for sure, but I figured anything was better than what I endured growing up.

It wasn’t, but I refused to go back to the old hell to escape the new one.

@Seek I meant to say that I have asked this question on different Q&A websites.

Morality is the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are distinguished as proper and those that are improper. It can be a body of standards or principles derived from a code of conduct from a particular philosophy, religion, or culture, or it can derive from a standard that a person believes should be universal. It may also be specifically synonymous with “goodness” or “rightness.”

Immanuel Kant introduced the categorical imperative: “Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law”.

”Also I would definitely like to mention @Seek that we have talked about this before”

@Seek When i said it has been going on for 200000 years it meant the act of bondage. Morality has got a definition; if somebody wants someone’s wife, he can murder her husband and kidnap her from her house according to logic but not morality; that’s what differentiates us from animals. Having some level of a moral compass is necessary but drowning everything in nihilistic philosophy will not get us anywhere just like when the israelites questioned Moses not to understand his theology but insult, patronize, disrespect and humiliate his faith and belief so that they can keep on living in arrogant ignorance and oblivious naivete.

What in the hell are you talking about?

Is English not your first language?

The philosophy that the strong are meant to survive and the weak are supposed to perish may be logical but not moral again. Question is in regards with the deceptive hypocrisy and selfish materialism of a degenerative society whose faith and belief revolves around the measurement of financial situations and reproductive organs according to shallow and superficial rankings and ratings of fame and fortune.

What i mean to say is that when the mental and physical compatibility of two persons are synchronized perfectly in a hypothetical situation to each other’s personality and behaviour which means they both have the same likes and interests and they adore and love each other but they refuse to be with each other because of their fame rankings going down 1 point.

Whaaaat?

My question is based on the philosophy of morality in finding out how much can we push the limits of our natural theory of selection. I was taught all my life that true love is based on personality and behaviour and that they are the only important things that should be used to select your mate but now we see people using different kinds of selection criteria that go against the foundation of a moral society and then they usually end up alone and say we cannot find love when it is right there in front of them.

There was a time when people got married in order to have love and security for their future and they used to have simple needs which was just fine but then they started measuring everything, and things started getting harder especially when marriage became an industry for obtaining power and influence over your rivals. That is where the term “Golddigger” came out. Imagine a modern society having access to any person’s personal credentials and then measuring every variable and parameter to induct them in their special group (Status Quo). It is happening right now but not on a very technical level but it might mutate towards that because people are justifying it as a moral thing to do which it is not.

When you go to Los Angeles don’t you feel that there is a place where you are just not good enough to enter no matter what. Has society really become that unequal? Where as fame rankings are concerned, i know that it looks like a dystopian concept from some hollywood movie but it is also happening. You must have heard in the tabloids of hollywood how a celebrity broke of her relationship with her boyfriend whom she loved genuinely just because her publicist told her that her relationship with her boyfriend has made her fans disappointed by analyzing her twitter account even though her boyfriend was a good guy. It is the shallow and superficial “The Head Cheerleader Should Date The Quarterback” mentality that got us into these rankings and ratings.

Where the hell are you copy/pasting this word salad from?

@Seek Okay let’s just forget about everything and you tell me how to phrase this question and then you can give me your point of view.

I still can’t figure out what it is you want to know.

@Seek What type of standards should you have for marriage?

@kungfujedimaster24 Are you compatible with this person and do you think you can build a life together? That’s the basic standard that makes sense to me.

@Seek I also wanted your answer to this new question.

I don’t think the word “should” is applicable. It’s not my place to tell someone else whether or not they are happy to marry someone.

@Seek Okay, I will rephrase the question. What type of standards do you have for marriage?

I married my husband because I wanted to.

@Seek What made you want to marry your husband?

Nothing made me. I wanted to, so I did.

If you’re asking whether I made a list of qualifications and determined he filled enough of them to be satisfactory, I didn’t.

@Seek I am not saying that, what I meant to say was what did you see in your husband that helped you to make that decision, meaning you must have got a reason to want somebody in your life, so the question is what was the reason of your wanting?

Yeah that’s what I thought; I finally have my answer.