My 27 year old ex boyfriend is in a relationship with an 18 year old boy... How do I deal with this shocking news?

Just keep realizing he’s your Ex. Mull it over by yourself, remember what caused your break-up and when you’re ready, move on. You don’t need to help your Ex deal with his confusion or lack there of, that’s his problem.

Welcome to Fluther.

It’s not a thing that you have to deal with, is it? Just chalk it up to one of the mysteries of the universe and move on.

You don’t deal with it.
He’s your ex, you don’t have any access anymore.
It’s none of your business.

Count your lucky stars and follow the advice of @CWOTUS.

Would you clarify to me what is shocking about this?

Wow, okay… I wasn’t expecting these kind of responses. :( People on Reddit were so much more supportive…

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5ab9gj/my_ex_27m_has_told_me_27f_the_truth_behind_our/

How should we be supportive? “Oh, you poor thing! Go out and buy yourself something nice! Tell all of your friends about your weird former boyfriend and have them shun him, too.”

I can’t wait to see the Reddit support.

For one thing, I see, you gave them different details than you provided to us.

Are you upset because the new boyfriend is only 18?

Or, are you upset that it is with another male?

… I never thought in a million years he would be a threat to our relationship But he wasn’t a threat to your relationship; your relationship was over. That is what “ex” means.

Time to shrug your shoulders, and now you can be glad you are out of that equation.

Realize that maybe it took three years with the wrong partner to discover that perhaps he was gay?
Realize that his confusion in your realtionship was about “Him” not knowing which way to go?
Be happy that he is happier in that couple.
Each finds his/her own happiness, as you should too in time.
Find peace within yourself and don’t feel its your fault.

What are you shocked about? That he is dating someone else? That he is dating a male-bodied person? that he is dating an 18 year old? That he’s dating someone you met online? That he is dating someone so soon?

People break up. Then they date other people. It happens.

Yeah – the details are different in your Reddit post. If it is so troubling to you – for any reason – that you can’t eat or sleep, you do need to get some help but not from your Ex-boyfriend. Being his best friend will only perpetuate the hurt. It sounds from your post here that you have a number of issues. Why not get therapy?

@janbb, I have been trying to get therapy since the break up but the waiting list is 3 months where I live.

I apologise if my post on here is offensive. I may be going through the anger stage. I’ve been having a lot of mixed emotions I’d never shun my ex or say he is ‘weird’ to my friends, @CWOTUS. I’ve been very supportive and empathetic to him since he told me.

We were in a committed, deeply loving relationship for 3 years with marriage and children talk. He told me I was the love of his life even days before the break up. We even ran a business together and now we’re both unemployed because of this. I’m disappointed by the lack of sensitivity on here. It’s not that easy to let go of a strong connection and feelings for someone. I’m very much still deeply in love with him.

@quintessence I think you’re right that we have sounded unsympathetic. It’s easy to be flip about someone else’s failed relationship and tell them to just move on; it’s much harder when you’re the person and still hurting from the pain. I think the way you worded the question here made us think you were more upset about his homosexuality than the break-up and that’s where some of the snark is coming from. But of course, many aspects of this would be upsetting for you and I am truly sorry for your pain.

He broke up with you six weeks ago. I suspect you’re still working through that.

That he’s started a new relationship probably just adds to that.

I’m not sure that the age or gender of the new partner really matters.

In any case, the pain of the break up is something you will have to work through. Can your family doctor give you temporary support til you are with a counsellor? are there local groups you can join?

He is your EX be glad it’s over and move on.
Would you rather have been married for a few years then find out he is interested in boys?

You’ve got that @SQUEEKY2 . That happened to a very good friend of mine. She discovered her husband was calling MTM chat lines about 8 years into their marriage. So many things made sense after that.

They are both happily remarried now – both to lovely men . Their daughter has a mom and three dads and everyone gets on well now.

At least he did not take your relationship further before coming to terms with the fact that he is gay or at least bisexual. Don’t dwell on it.

I have to agree with the majority here – why should it matter to you? You’re over, he’s your ex, it’s none of your business, and nothing you need to worry about. Move on.

Okay, one part of the original post that I missed or glossed over was that “he broke up with you”, and apparently laid that at “your OCD and depression”.

Frankly, on that basis – though I can understand your own sadness at the state of affairs, considering your own commitment to the relationship and plans for the future – it sounds like you dodged a bullet. From my current understanding of the timeline now, plus the details in the Reddit post and your follow-up in this thread, he made this about you, and it clearly was never about you. It was about him and whatever changes he’s going through in sexual orientation and emotional attachment, and probably a good dose of selfishness on top of that. And now he’s coming back to you for additional support and understanding.

Not a real prize.

But I realize that regardless of what kind of clay his feet are made of, that doesn’t address your own feelings of loss. That is, you’ve lost a sexual and emotional partner, an anticipated life partner AND a business partner. That is a lot to lose all at once … and then to have him continue to hang around you for additional support must be like icing on the cake.

For my own part, I regret having missed some of that (the part that should have been absorbed from the OP here), as well as the additional details that I have since learned. So I apologize for the flip tone of my second response. (I’ll stand by the first response, but that could also have had a better tone. I certainly didn’t realize the multiplicity of your loss at the time, nor the fact that he is still looking for your emotional support and understanding.)

So, advice for you, if you still want it:

He’s had time to make his own realizations and conclusions, and he broke up with you. You now need the same kind of time to grieve and get over the loss, some detachment from him (obviously!) and distance to work out a path forward. So, do whatever you have to do to realize, accept and absorb that you have had this loss, because you have suffered quite a loss, apparently. In the first place, you need time away from him, and no contact (from him, at least, especially contacts in the nature of requests for “more support” or whatever) while you come to terms with this.

Tell him to leave you alone for awhile so that you can have the time and space to come to terms with this. It’s fine if you want to be a friend and to still be his best friend, but you also need to keep in the back of your mind that this has been brewing with him – obviously – for three years (or more) and it has hit you out of the blue. This is now about you needing time to deal, to process and to get over the loss. When you’ve had time to process this more dispassionately, you may find yourself coming to a different realization as to his value as a friend, lover and life / business partner. He may not be the shit that he appears to be from my vantage point, but I’m still giving him the old side-eye.

Finally, what kind of friend would break up with you, telling you that “it’s about these issues of yours” (in the first place) and then take up immediately with another man and then come to you for your acceptance and emotional support? I would more than halfway suspect that this guy – who would be no friend of mine! – might be part of the reason behind whatever other emotional malaise you’re feeling. I would be very careful of ever letting him get within arm’s reach again.

Once again, I apologize sincerely for what I missed in your opening post, and I hope that this makes up in some small way for that. And I do hope that you’ll stick around on Fluther. I’m usually better than that.

Your take away should be in your own words you neglected the relationship. If you don’t weed and water your garden it will wither and die. That simple. Learn from this and move on.

@CWOTUS Thank you for your comment. I truly appreciate it. I really do. I have a lot of respect for you taking your time to write that and apologise about before…

It was my mistake to write my original post in such a way. I look back on it now and realise I come across as quite childish. It has been a very emotional week, with many different emotions – sadness, grief, anger, confusion… Today it was anger that overtook me.

My ex has been in daily contact since our break up 6 weeks ago (all contact initiated by him) which has made it harder to move on too. I’ll admit I held hope his constant contact was due to him wanting to get back together, so when I found out about his new relationship only a few days ago, I was devastated. Once he broke the news, he wanted to make it clear to me that he hadn’t betrayed me and that the reason he left me wasn’t because of him having feelings for this guy. That the reason he left was due to his unhappiness at the way I treated him. It feels like a double whammy. Even though I admit I neglected him due to my issues, I still loved him with all my heart. I was a loyal girlfriend and I only had eyes for him.

But even though he seems upset and angry about the way I treated him during our relationship, he still seems to want me in his life. He just sent me a text saying “I don’t want to hurt you but I need you in my life. Literally. I need it. I want us to always be a part of each others lives. Please.”

He’s your ex. What he does or doesn’t do with his life isn’t any of your business.
How to get over the shock? Did you know he was bi when you two were hanging out?
It sounds as though the two of you going separate ways is a good thing. It sounds like he didn’t know what he liked or didn’t like, and he’s 27!!!
If I were you, I be thinking “Good riddance!”

Wish him well.

I’ve been thinking about this question since it appeared here, and have been wondering whether your great agitation at your ex’s decision is not so much about his choice as it is about the door slamming on any chance of reconciliation.

I’d imagine I would be confused and feeling a lot of complex and painful emotions if I were in your shoes. Unfortunately, pain demands to be felt. I can’t really tell you “how” to deal with this, but I will agree that dealing with it is what you need. Therapy is an option, writing in a journal, distracting yourself, distancing yourself, what you do will be up to you and what works best for you. But, clearly it is a difficult situation for you and that means working through the painful emotions that have come up as a result. I hope that you’re able to find a path to healing that works for you.

I usually cut off my exes. Then I can’t get emotionally hurt when they inevitably move on.

That’s just how I cope. I recommend it.

I agree it’s easy to tell someone else “just get over it and move on” but it’s harder for you because you are the one dealing with it. If I were you, I’d ask myself what exactly is it that’s bothering me? Is it that he’s with someone else or is it the fact that he’s gay?

I also don’t think it’s helpful to you that you are accepting his contact on a daily basis. Yes, you were with him for 3 years and it’s hard to just end that but you should try to distance yourself. Don’t be so available for his texts, phone calls, or whatever way he is contacting you.

Do you think or know if his new lover knows he is contacting you daily? If not, he is being deceptive to the new lover. It’s not helpful for his new relationship that he’s contacting his ex daily.

What he is dealing with as far as his emotions or feelings is not your concern. Yes, you loved him and yes you were with him a long time but he made his choice and now he has to deal with it, whether it works out or not is to be determined. If it doesn’t work out with this guy, who cares. You have to deal with you.

I agree with someone else here who pointed out it’s better you found this out now without the relationship going further. How would it be if you were married with some children, maybe owning a house together (so tied up in a familial way and a financial way) and he decided he wanted to be with someone else?

he wanted to make it clear to me that he hadn’t betrayed me and that the reason he left me wasn’t because of him having feelings for this guy. That the reason he left was due to his unhappiness at the way I treated him…. But even though he seems upset and angry about the way I treated him during our relationship, he still seems to want me in his life. He just sent me a text saying “I don’t want to hurt you but I need you in my life. Literally. I need it. I want us to always be a part of each others lives. Please.”

This is called “gaslighting”, and the dude is an asshole.

He is not your friend.

He doesn’t get to break up with you, blame you for all the problems, run off with his new boytoy, and then get to insist he gets to remain part of your life, no matter how much it hurts you.

What a selfish prick.

Thank you for your comments and support. I really appreciate it. I agree with those who say I should distance myself and not be so available. It’s difficult though as not only was he my partner, but my greatest and bestest friend also.

I am a little concerned about the comments about him being selfish and manipulative. Maybe this is true and I have been naive? I know I can be. It’s a flaw of mine…

So anyway, I have decided to distance myself and not be so available… Starting with uninstalling Steam from my computer. That is the only way (other than phone) I communicate with my ex, and he is the only one I speak to on there.

I sent him a text to let him know I won’t be on there now but to drop me a text if he ever needs anything. He responded saying “you won’t be on steam anymore????” I explained that being on there is not helping me move on. He said he understood but then later sent another text saying “Let’s please meet up next week.”

What is going on!? All of a sudden he wants to meet up when I just explained I needed to move on. Is he not wanting me to move on?!

^Sounds like this person is fucking with your head. Weather it’s intended or not.

Cut and run. Or you’re going to be pretty miserable for a while.

Good luck.

Peace n love.

I think it’s difficult for the even the person who initiates an uncoupling to realize that person isn’t there for them any more. But you have to take care of you now and not him. I know what of I speak.

And by the way, what hurt more than anything when my husband of 37 years left was when he took up with and married another woman. I don’t think man or woman would have made it any better or worse.

@quintessence It’s great you are taking ownership of your getting through this. My advice is to not meet up with him next week. Do whatever you need to do to cut the entanglements.

How can I tell him no in a way that doesn’t hurt him? (Damn it I’m way too soft).

Him wanting to meet especially after I’ve explained I need to heal and move on has really baffled me. What on earth is he thinking? Why would he even want to put himself through meeting up with me when he knows I’d probably be an emotional wreck upon seeing him?

You say, “No, I’m not available to meet with you.”

He’s willing to put himself through it because he’s not concerned with how you feel. He might be assuming that if you remain “friends” you’ll be willing to take him back once his new cuddle-buddy gets sick of him. He’s keeping you in reserve.

You deserve to not be emotionally manipulated.

^^^ He isn’t putting himself through anything, he is putting you through it. And, it is because he wants to know he’ll have you as a backstop in case he needs a relationship in the future.

And, if you are an emotional wreck and he “get’s” to comfort you for fifteen minutes, he will walk away thinking ho nice a guy he must be, but in reality he is emotionally manipulative.

This may sound harsh to you, but I think you are lucky to be past him. He hurt you, and you will not hurt him to just say, “No, you ended our relationship, and now it is over. Goodbye.”

Who gives a fuck if you hurt him. You have to look out for YOU. People like this guy will only hurt you.

He clearly doesn’t care about you, or he wouldn’t be with someone else

There’s only one person in this life looking out for you. YOU.

Protect yourself. Don’t let him ruin your ability to be happy.

You guys are so right….

It’s tough. If someone told me 2 months ago that I’d be in this situation now, I’d have laughed at them. I never thought he would walk away from our relationship. He always seemed so committed – to me and our work. Maybe I was just blind and too self absorbed in my own mental health to realise what was really going on and realise what sort of person he really is.

What I do know is that he doesn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’. I know him well enough to know that. That would destroy him. I’m the first person he’s ever dumped so he’s definitely felt guilty about that. And I think the reason he wanted to make it clear to me that he didn’t betray me and the reason for the break up wasn’t because of him having feelings for this guy, is so that he doesn’t feel like the ‘bad guy’.

@quintessence , your responsibility is to yourself, not to making someone else feel ok about breaking up with you.

If he pushes about a get-together, let him know that you are not prepared to meet in person now. Suggest that you may get in touch with him in a month or so (no guarantees or promises). Take care of yourself first – and don’t be afraid to let him know that is your priority.

I’m betting his new boyfriend has no clue he’s calling you and wanting to meet up.

My answer is that breaking up is hard to do. It can be very painful, especially if your ex starts dating someone else.

I could tell you 100 times that your ex dating someone so young is a sign that he is not the right guy, but that won’t help you feel much better if you are in a very sad state from the breakup.

Avoid your ex completely if you can. Do your best to plan things for the future, and to spend time doing things you like. Realize you are going through a grieving process probably, and finding out your ex is dating someone can throw you back a stage. You might have gone through some bargaining already and moved to anger, but then learning this knew info might make you want him to want you again.

Seeing a therapist can help. reading a self help book about breakups can help too if you have never been through a bad one before.

Well, the first step is to come to Fluther and let us know. Check.

It’s probably a good time for you to spend some time alone and cut any and all contact with your former boyfriend. Do not talk to him if he calls. Period. Not a word. Find yourself and the strength inside of you. Happiness doesn’t come from another, we must grow it for ourselves.

I don’t get the point of him wanting to meet you.

@MollyMcGuire I’m going to assume by alone you mean without an SO, and you don’t mean away from friends and family. Friends and family helped me get through bad break-ups.

@jca – it’s a power trip thing. My friend’s abusive ex tried playing this same game for months. He cheated on her, he ended the relationship, he was dating someone else, and he kept inviting himself to her house for various reasons.

They had been together for nine years, and my friend was still stuck in an emotional feedback loop.

She eventually (at my insistence) let him know he could come over to play with the cats, or use the weight bench, or whatever, if I was there, too.

He razzed her about that pretty hard, so she suggested if that was unacceptable Seek’s husband could come along, too.

He stopped asking to come over.

I understand he’s being manipulative and fucked up for wanting to meet with her but I’m wondering what excuse he’s giving her to justify the meet up.

@jca I have no idea myself. All I know is since breaking the news to me about his new relationship, he has pleaded with me on more than one occasion to please stay in his life, saying that he needs me and wants us to be in each other’s lives always.

No idea if it’s because he values me as a friend, wants to feel like a ‘good nice guy’ or some other reasons.

I recommend you distance yourself asap. I know it’s hard because he’s also your friend and companion and I’m sure you’ve spent a lot of time and done a lot of fun things together over the past few years. However, he made his choice and he has to move on and be with the new guy. You need distance and to take care of yourself. You’re never going to move on if you spend time talking to him, seeing him, seeing what he’s doing, hearing about what he’s doing, wondering what he’s doing now, listening to his stories about how much he misses you or what he did with the new guy and how it was so much fun or how the new guy pisses him off.

@jca @Seek One thing I forgot to mention is that on a phone call a few days ago (he called to see how I was feeling and if I was ‘okay’) he randomly started calling me by old pet names and talking all the cutesy talk we used to do when we were together. I hope he didn’t purposely do that, but I made it clear him he had to stop talking like that as it was upsetting and made it feel like we were still in a relationship.

So yes… You’re right. I have to distance myself, especially considering he’s doing stuff like that.

He’s just sent another text saying he will be free most days this week to meet up and asked if we could go for a walk together.

I haven’t responded yet, nor to his previous text. I know I need to be firm and tell him ‘no’ but it’s damn hard when I care about him so much.

Can he really be that happy in his new relationship if he’s this keen on meeting up with me?

@quintessence: Whether he’s happy in his new relationship or not is no longer your concern.

If it were me, I’d text him immediately and say “I“m not available to meet up at all. Please stop contacting me” Leave it at that. I know it’s tough but you have to be strong, unless you want to be strung along forever and ever. If he responds to your text, let it go. You’re going to spend hours and days going back and forth and in the end he’s going to be with this guy.

I can guarantee you 100% this other guy has no clue about what is going on, which is deceptive and fucked up on your ex’s part.

@quintessence , his concern doesn’t appear to be about you but about finding a way to make himself feel better. That is not your concern or responsibility.

Send him a text to let him know you’ll be in touch later this year or early next year. Let him know you’ll be blocking him until you are ready to contact him.

Start making plans with other friends. Talk to your doctor about getting some support for your depression and OCD (per opening post).

You’re probably going to come to the realization that most of us have already had as disinterested and uninvolved outsiders that this is now (and probably had been for a long time) a toxic relationship, to you at least. And you may come to realize more about the interaction of things like your OCD characteristics and “wanting to close the loop” on his texts, for example. (I get that. I’m not OCD, but I do have some very annoying – to me! – characteristics of wanting to make communication-receipt-understanding-acknowledgement loops perfect, for example, even when the communication hardly matters in the first place.)

It will do you a lot of good to be able to learn to “just ignore” unwanted communications. So practice on him. Don’t block him, because that simply makes the technology of your phone a coping mechanism or crutch. Go ahead and receive the texts, even read them if you want to … but don’t respond. When he calls, just don’t answer the phone.

When you can learn to “just say no” even in such very passive ways, you’ll be taking back more of your own strength. And you need it now; he’s not adding to it.

Okay guys. I’ve responded to his text. Didn’t want to be rude so I simply just said: “I’m not emotionally prepared to meet up right now, but thank you for the thought. Hope all is well.”

He responsed immediately with: “I’m okay, just worried about you. I totally understand that you don’t feel you can meet but please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you.”

That’s it then. I think I’ll do what @CWOTUS suggested and ignore any future texts from him.

^^^yay! Good on you!

Good decision @quintessence

@quintessence Good for you. One more thing; if you feel you need to block him in order to stay strong, do it. And do get some help with your other issues. And get together with friends or try some new activities. It helps!

No @JLeslie . Alone means alone. People really need to like themselves and being alone to have happiness, real happiness that isn’t based on other people and what they do or do not do. Of course seeing friends some is a good thing but the average day…..go to school or work and do the normal activities, the go home…..yours and only yours…..the home you make for yourself…..alone. When you get comfortable with that then you have a real strong self to fall back on when others let you down.

^^Well, alone can mean dead or not functioning when people are desperately depressed after a break up. The OP does not sound like he is in such a desperate state thank goodness, but I just am wary of advising sad, depressed, or anyone going through a difficult time to be alone.

I don’t know how old the OP is, but it is especially hard for young people to be alone. It comes with age and maturity usually.

Thought I’d give you guys an update on the situation.

My ex continued texting me last week so I sent him a text 4 days ago explaining that I still have strong feelings and that a friendship is not possible. I then requested some time and space so I can disconnect myself from him and hope he understood. I wished him happiness in his new relationship. He replied with a really long text saying he thought the world of me, that he truly wants me to be happy and that I’m a wonderful person. I thought that was his ‘goodbye’ and that would be it.

However, he texted again this morning… “Please have a fantastic week. I’m wishing you the very best always. I want you to feel so so happy and I really hope your appointment which I believe you said was soon, goes really really well. You deserve complete and utter perfection.”

I haven’t responded.

I’m just confused. I told him I still had feelings and couldn’t be friends. Wondering why he’s bothering texting me when he should be focusing on his new relationship and not respecting my request to heal…

Time to block him. He is trying to manipulate you to the point that it is emotionally abusive. Block his number from texting you, block his emails from your in box.

He doesn’t listen to you. He is abusive.

Maybe he wants to keep you around as his Plan B in case the new relationship doesn’t work out. Don’t let him break your armor.

Stop engaging. Do not respond to him at all. His motives are not clear, but most likely are ego driven. Selfish.

@quintessence , did you ask your ex not to contact you? if not, I think you need to tell him directly that you don’t want him to contact you anymore.

If you did ask no contact and he continued to text you, you will need to block him.

__

He seems to be trying to maintain contact for his own purposes – not for your benefit/health.

__

Have you looked into joining a support group while you wait to see a counsellor?

@BellaB: It says she “requested” some time and space.

@quintessence: I don’t think requesting things is getting through his skull. You need to tell him as @BellaB said. Also, I don’t think it was helpful that you told him you still “had feelings.” That detail is what it seems like he is exploiting. That you still have feelings is not his business.

I’m in disagreement with those who say “you need to tell him… [such and such, whatever]”, and in complete agreement with @zenvelo: He’s doing what he wants because it makes him feel good about himself, about what he has done and (to some extent) to attempt to convince you that “he’s a good guy”.

Screw that.

He’s not doing what you have asked, and you’re the one who is hurting here. Block him, so that you won’t even have to know that he has attempted to call or text. Block him, ignore him and let him go his own way.

Some day in the future when you’ve recovered to an extent that you want to initiate a conversation, take up the friendship again (assuming that’s still going to be possible), and you can reach out to him. Until then, for your own sake, don’t attempt to engage him or explain anything to him any more. He’s past that kind of consideration from you.

And good luck. We wish the best for you, too.

Thank you so much guys. It has been hard finding the strength to block him but after today (and your support) I decided it’s for the best. The texts are just going to keep coming otherwise… I had another from him today…

“I know I shouldn’t be saying this but I really really really miss you and I really hope you’re doing okay. I’m just so sorry if I’ve made anything hard for you or made anything in your life difficult. You deserve so much and the thought of my actions upsetting you honest to god makes me want to burst into tears.”

To clear the air and end all this for good I responded with…

“Please don’t feel that way. My life isn’t your responsibility and it’s not difficult for me. I’m confident my future holds great things. You have my blessing and I wish you all the happiness you deserve.”

Blocked now.

I felt I needed to send that message before I did it to show some strength. I don’t want to be someone he pities. If him and I happen to never speak again, at least I can look back on that message and feel I handled myself well. I also sent it because despite what he’s done and the hurt he’s caused me, I still care about him. It makes me sad to think he is having a hard time from guilt, as silly as that may be to admit… I mean, why should I care about him after he’s hurt me? The truth is, I do. I genuinely do want him to be happy.

@quintessence You done good!