Was this a real social gaffe?

I hate to tell you, but yes, it was a bit over the line to ask. And it puts the teacher in a bad spot because that is information that is assumed (legally) to be private.

But since you included a statement about you being fine with her not telling you, I would just let it go now, and not bring back up.

@zenvelo I tend to agree with you.

I would think that was inappropriate.

I think you went about it appropriately. She may be checking with the couple to see if she can divulge this information to you.

I would apologize. Put it to rest, let the teacher know clearly that she need not spend another moment thinking about it. Otherwise it will be hanging out there, for you at least, and it might be on her mind, too.

“I apologize for the question I asked. I regretted it immediately after sending it, it was not fair or right to put you in that position.”

@Call_Me_Jay Not a bad idea. I have a lovely relationship with her and her silence is telling. (I just really want to know!)

not in the least.

I just sent a note of apology and this is what I wrote:

“I realize it was inappropriate to ask about J….. and I am sorry I did. Sometimes my curiosity gets the better of my judgment!”

Then I put a comment about other things and said see you in class.

I think that despite your obvious and unvarying good intentions, it probably was an inappropriate question to ask of a third party.

I had been – for over a year! – in a similar situation until fairly recently. A fairly close social acquaintance (friend of a friend sort of thing) had developed brain cancer. And I knew that from conversations “around me” about him (things one picks up on without being nosy or trying to investigate, but if you’re as quiet as I usually am, and if you read friends’ postings on Facebook and other social media, then you learn things) – but neither he nor his girlfriend had specifically told me. So I was in kind of an awkward spot there, too. I did not know how common the knowledge was about his condition, so I couldn’t commiserate or express sympathy “because everyone knows”, and their social activities were cut down considerably, naturally, so I just didn’t see him any more. And I didn’t want to ask any of our mutual friends – those who were letting nuggets slip in various conversations and messages – so I just kept quiet and picked up that he wasn’t doing so well.

It was an awful place to be. (No, I’m not comparing “how awful it was for me” vs. “how awful it was for him”, because I know better than that, but it was still… uncomfortable.)

He made some temporary recovery this summer, so I did go on some outings with him and his girlfriend, and we had this specific conversation a few weeks ago. He had wondered why he never heard from me, and I told him straight that I didn’t want to pry, didn’t feel justified in asking if he didn’t want to tell me, and hadn’t been included in any notifications or updates, so I thought that he had wanted it that way, and just accepted it. He was relieved to hear that there was no rift between us. And I’m relieved that we had that conversation.

And fuck it anyway… he died a couple of weeks ago.

Still, I would do the same today.

I don’t see any harm in asking. The lack of response from the teacher tells you she doesn’t feel comfortable answering the question, but she could equally (well, preferably) have told you that in words. Transaction ended. I see no reason for an apology or an explanation. If she were outraged for some reason, the onus would be on her to indicate that an apology is required, I think. Otherwise, how could she expect you to know this?

Oh the airs & graces of the chattering classes, I find myself in broad agreement with @dappled_leaves

@ucme This was in General – why the nasty put-down? It’s responses like that that make me usually avoid posting personal issues.

@janbb No offence was intended at all, speaking about society in general where we tend to concern ourselves with trifling matters of etiquette that half the time don’t amount to a hill of beans.

But see how well that worked? @janbb took offense, and indicated that to @ucme, who explained what he meant. The teacher is the one who should speak up if there’s a problem. QED.

It probably wasn’t polite to ask, but I agree with @dappled_leaves that the teacher could have responded by saying she couldn’t provide that info. Could she have missed your email? If her mail is like mine, things get buried.

@ucme Thanks so much for the clarification! I’m just a little wound up today with the fate of civilization as we know it hanging in the balance and all.

And – I just got a response from my teacher saying no need for the apology and telling me what the illness was! She said that if she saw me with a cast on she would ask what had happened so it was natural to ask. I was just thrown because she usually is very responsive to my e-mails.

Oy!

Well there you go.

Perhaps I should have just asked the woman herself but it would be a little hard to do in a class iwth about 6 students there.

Anyway, happy with the resolution. Sometimes I feel like a pup chasing my own tail – and chewing on it!

You just care. No harm in that.

@janbb No worries, lack of context in the written word most likely culprit.

Well, I think the outcome was good. But I agree it was ruder of the teacher to ignore you, than you to ask, @janbb.

She could have had the same grace you did.
“I know you have a caring nature, and understand why you asked, but I’m not comfortable passing the information on. Perhaps you could ask them out for a coffee and gently bring the subject up?”

@ibstubro In her response, she said she didn’t recall my asking. So it seems like somehow she didn’t read the first e-mail at all. (That’s another week of my life I won’t get back. ~)

See the phantom email snatcher strikes again.

Wow. You mean like how I failed to read the second half of the’ @ucme claification’ post??

lol

I had been thinking before the resolution post that maybe the teacher didn’t know what the illness was.