Am I overthinking the communication hurdle with my date?

Play it by ear. Don’t come on too heavy, but do observe and follow her lead. Given she’s raised the idea that you are backing off, you could ask her about the lack of texts or the slow responses. Don’t make it too heavy, but if you can bring up her comments that you’re disconnected and say you do want to see her more and you do love being with her, but you don’t want to either appear distant OR come on too heavy, see what she says.

She sounds as though she might be quite nervous and perhaps a bit relationship shy. To want to back away as soon as she feels you might be a bit disconnected suggests she might have been hurt.

Do let us know how your dinner goes. I love that you geocached your dinner invitation! How cute is that.

@Earthbound_Misfit Thanks for your answer. That sounds very sensible. And I hadn’t thought of it from that perspective. Maybe I should put myself in her shoes. It’s still a little frustrating though.

Ha! Yeah she did say the geocache invite was quite possibly the best to ever happen. Anyway, we shall see how it all unravels :)

Keep us posted, ok?

I’m an overthinker too so I can empathize. All I can say and it’s the hardest advice to follow, is try to be your authentic self. If it feels right, maybe try to discuss how you feel about her and ask her directly if she thinks you’re pressuring her or if you’re going too slow. Maybe she’s not that keen or regular texting – or maybe she’s ready to go to bed and wondering why you haven’t made that move? You won’t know unless you ask but I can also see not wanting to appear too intense. Perhaps just starting a conversation with, “I’m really enjoying your company.” and seeing where it goes from there.

But what do I know? Apparently I now have an Oompa Loompa as my president.

By the way, you sound like a great guy.

@janbb Well that’s the thing isn’t it…being yourself but also taking in past experiences and learning from them. I think there simply isn’t an answer since everyone is different.

And about the latter, I’m sincerely depressed….

I haven’t read the previous. This is what I’d do. I’d text her and just throw it out there “How are you? I haven’t heard much from you lately. Have you been busy? I hope everything is ok.”

Well, if she hasn’t been responding much to texts and they have a date set up for Friday, I wouldn’t bring up anything heavy in a text right now.

Here’s another random thought. Even if you haven’t had a response to your first text which was in the morning, maybe later on in the afternoon you can send another, just something simple or funny you saw, just to see what she responds. Something silly, maybe. See if she responds or maybe she’ll say she’s been so busy or something like that. Not that you’re going to flood her with texts but just another one to show her you’re thinking of her.

@jca True. Like I feel like hearing her thoughts about the US election atm, but since I haven’t heard from her I’m keeping mum.

@janbb: I don’t think asking how she is and is everything ok as being anything heavy. Maybe I’m incorrect.

I mean, it can be heavy if she has something going on but if it is the girl has the option of not responding with details.

Maybe she is not in a position to text during the day. In the morning she is running around trying to get ready. At the office she might have to work, or personal phone use is discouraged, or there is no 4G in the basement, or…
The geocache invitation idea was brilliant!

Heck, I’d let my daughter date you!

@LuckyGuy I was thinking out of the box and thought it would be a unique thing ;) But yeah I’m sure it’s something like that and I’m brooding over nothing :P

By the way at the rate you’re going you’ll have a hard time keeping up this pace. What will you do for your anniversary? Fly to Aruba? :-)

Didn’t think that far ahead haha! The pessimist in me is wondering if she was about to call it all off but because this gesture came from left field it was hard for her to not give it a second chance. But that’s the cynic in me speaking…

Just wait til Friday and see how it goes. Let us know.

My guess: she wants less text and more action. Of the sexual type, to be clear. Do drink a bit too much tomorrow if that helps you shut down the thinking, self-conscious, polite, respectful gentleman for a second. She wants intimacy, not polite conversation.

@maroon IMHO I see red flags with “I think we should get drunk together”. You seem like a really nice guy who is in touch with his feelings. She seems like she could be a game player. Come here. Go away. Let’s get drunk together. Tells me she wants something other than “the real you”.

I don’t think I’m going to spend anymore effort, sadly. We met for dinner at a wine bar and though we had a pretty swell time it was basically me eating dinner and us drinking wine. I really don’t understand people. I mean, she complained that she’d eaten too much chocolate before (really?! just before a ‘romantic’ dinner at a wine bar?). The miserly pessimist in me thought, well that’s fine since you’re obviously not into it and I won’t have to pay for your dinner (but yes I did pay). Not only this but she kept getting distracted by the buffoon next to us having an intense conversation with his gf. I’m pretty good at blocking out interference when I’d like to focus on someone so that marred the pleasure of her company. Anyway, we followed this with some drinks at a Spanish bar. I’ll be frank and admit we shared some kisses in that dimly lit underground bar, but when we went upstairs for some dancing she simply wasn’t feeling it. Apparently I’d read her completely wrong. See, the previous week I’d considered her open minded and adventurous. Now we found ourselves in a stuffy speakeasy playing 50s music. We did dance but she felt aggravated by the proximity of other people and thought this is the kind of establishment where you need to be even drunker to enjoy (alright, well that rules this evening out since you didn’t want another drink). Feeling pretty downtrodden at this point. Took public transit together (then I escorted her since it was well after 1am now) and we said goodbye on her street (after a tender embrace+). Saturday goes by. Sunday evening rolls around and all I get is ‘Thanks for Friday. It was very thoughtful’. I don’t know about you but that’s pretty damn cold. I don’t even know why I bother. I suppose I’d like to think the best of people but maybe my judgement was clouded on those first dates when we seemed to hit it off so well….

Don’t feel downtrodden. Think of it as dodging a bullet. You deserve someone who is into you, and who likes to do what you like to do. You don’t sound like a pair who would last in the long term, so you’ve really just saved yourself a lot of frustration.

And can I say, from the way you describe things, she seems to be very driven by alcohol. Could she have a drinking problem? Another thing you really don’t need in your life.

@maroon, any man who can think up inviting a woman to dinner using a geocache deserves a woman who will be equally imaginative and engaged with life. She’s out there. Don’t sell yourself short.

@maroon Too bad you’re not my age. You sound great. We could overthink everything together. :-)

@Earthbound_Misfit Yes I believe you’re right. And thanks for the kind words. I think I’ve learned my lesson and will wait for a serious relationship before going out on a limb and making such an effort…. Oh and about alcohol – I live in London – everyone is an alcoholic ;)

@Earthbound_Misfit I agree. Don’t feel downtrodden. You may well have dodged a bullet. You validated yourself regarding the evening. And good job! There are people who will love you for who you are and delight in your company! I wish you all the very best.

Anyway, I told her straight up: let me know if you’re not into this because I’ve enjoyed getting you know you but save me the frustration by telling me either way. I feel like I’m started to obsess over it but I think some common courtesy and respect isn’t too much to ask. So she told me she’d only seen the text until she got home late after work and that it wasn’t personal (and that she’s also enjoyed spending time with me but didn’t want any pressure). That’s fair enough, but if you ask me if someone is interested then they will make time to at least respond, no? At least that’s how I roll even though I have busy work days. Essentially she turned it around on me saying she now doesn’t know what her vibe is. Gah! Do I just let this go now? Not sure it’s worth it anymore…

@maroon It seems to me that if there’s so much stress between you two this early in the game, you’re probably not a good fit for each other. You would probably be happier with someone who is more responsive and she needs more space. I would suggest you get out now.

She sounds way too much trouble. Love doesn’t need to be this confusing.