Should I tell my husband?

I think you’re right that she could really use a parent whom she can talk to, so I’d be that for her. She did not have to tell you, so to me that would provide a reason why I would tend to respect that, BUT I would also point out to her that she should really get agreement on confidentiality before saying what she wants kept secret, because otherwise it’s not fair/reasonable to expect someone to honor an agreement they didn’t get a proper chance to really make.

You could try asking her some neutral questions about how this is for her, and what her feelings are about inviting your dad into the conversation. But it sounds like she has a valid concern about his likely reaction. On the one hand it’s an assumption he won’t be supportive, and it means not giving him a chance, but if you know him well enough to be relatively certain he won’t be supportive, and your daughter also feels that way with reason, then that’s a natural consequence of his choices of how to be about that, and not something I would feel guilty about. Personally I think it’s most valuable to allow young people to have some privacy when they want it, and for them to be able to trust and confide in their parents. If you don’t respect her confidence now, she may not come to you in more dangerous situation later.

I think even most adults tend to have confusion around sexuality, let alone 16 year olds, and that that’s not necessarily a problem. Parents who condemn children’s romantic interests often don’t really help when all’s told, especially with someone you actually like.

I knew I was gay when I was 9.

I hope you’ll keep her secret, for trust’s sake. It may be a phase or the beginning of a permanent lifestyle—either way, it’s her life, her choice, not anyone else’s—please don’t betray her trust.

Simply put you have a major issue of trust on your shoulders here. You will destroy the trust with your daughter if you tell your husband without her permission and you risk a trust issue with your husband if later on when he learns of this and finds out you knew about it all that time.

I would give yourself a day or two to digest this news and then ask your daughter to tell her dad or you will have no choice but to tell him yourself.

I couldn’t disagree with @Cruiser more.

This is your daughter’s news to share with who she chooses to share it with. Particularly if she has any reason to fear backlash from either of the men in her life or from the religious institutions she or they may be affiliated with.

I think your daughter understands her own sexuality just fine. Admit it: You’d never ask if she understood heterosexual attraction at 16 years old. If she came to you and admitted she had a boyfriend, you’d probably still have the question of whether to tell Dad/Stepdad, but you wouldn’t be arguing she’s too young to understand whether she’s attracted to a boy.

She isn’t hurting anyone, she isn’t dying or in any danger, and she has trusted you with news she isn’t comfortable telling everyone. Be her mother, and keep her secret, and support her.

16 is not too young. And if you want to keep her trust you will not tell the secret she entrusted to you. She will probably never trust you again with anything big in her life.Many people come out to one parent first, usually the one they heave less fear of.

Oh, shit. Mormons. Do not tell anyone if you love your daughter. Doing so will result in nothing positive. I’m surprised she even told you. She must trust you. Don’t let that go.

I agree with @Seek.

She has shared with you, she needs your love and support. You can advise her to tell your husband, and that you will support her if and when she tells him, but it is her decision and her choice. And reassure her that you will be her support when and if she tells her father or if she comes out to the community.

But do not tell anyone about her secret.

I wouldn’t tell him unless she asks me to do it.
It’s her thing, she should and will say it when she feels it’s the right time for it. Considering how awkward it could all turn out, she needs support. Telling the husband without her permission and approval would be a mistake, if you ask me.

Right out of the gate I congratulate you on not doing a “Carrie’s Mum”

@Seek Just to clarify, I gave her my answer because she is LDS and what little I know about Mormons is trust is ultra sacred to a marriage. If I was to give my wife an answer if she asked the same question, without hesitation I would tell her to keep the trust with her daughter as I would be pretty sure the husband would understand. To you and I a question such as this is a no brainer answer.. In her case I am less sure a Mormon husband would react to this situation the same as I would and why I sensed she is even asking this question publicly. I could be wrong here and you know as well as anyone here how wrong I can be at times….doozey wrong too!

Just tell her what Benjamin Franklin said about secrets: “Two people can keep a secret… if one of them is dead.”

Tell her that’s not an invitation to be murdered, or a solicitation for her to kill herself. But in a very practical sense it is going to be difficult to the point of impossibility for you to keep this secret “forever”. (More to the point, if she has told you then – other than the girlfriend – she has undoubtedly told others, as well, or they will figure it out for themselves before long.)

So I would thank her for telling me, and then ask her to trust you to help her work out the ways to tell the other adults who will know sooner or later (whether they “need to” or not). And then promise to take her side when those conversations occur. As @Cruiser has noted, in some family / faith situations it is simply not ethically possible to keep a secret from one’s partner, and more so when there was no choice involved ahead of time. Your daughter has placed you in an impossible situation, and even if you decide to support her – as I presume you certainly will – it may not be “reasonably” possible for you to keep her secret indefinitely even if you’re able to in some absolute sense.

Besides, this should be good news for the girls involved, to have found each other and have determined (at least for now, because at this age these affairs and even ‘inclinations’ are not always permanent), so it’s a thing to celebrate, not hide.

Parents do not unilaterally accept their gay kids, especially Mormons. I say this because I know many Mormons who look at me like I’m shameful because I’ve been in a monogamous marriage for 15 years with someone of the same gender and I know too many LGBT ex-Mormons (There are so many in L.A. You’d be surprised.) who were excommunicated and left behind by their families. You would think that the love one has for ones’ children would surpass ideology, but it happens way too often. Maybe you and yours can be the rare exception.

@Cruiser -

Here’s my philosophy:
If it’s between my husband or my son, my son wins. Every time. My husband feels the same way. There’s no question about it. The kid is the important one.

I’ve known parents that chose their spouses over their kids – my mom is one of them. I have exactly zero respect for that stance. If your kid is afraid of stepdad’s reaction, then stepdad’s feelings on the matter are 100% not at all important. It’s my job, as a parent, to make certain my child is safe, loved, and protected. Any man who would make my child unsafe, unloved, or unprotected can GTFO, and may the door hit him in the ass on the way out.

@tinyfaery said it perfectly. Take her advice.

@CWOTUS, you wrote, Besides, this should be good news for the girls involved, to have found each other and have determined (at least for now, because at this age these affairs and even ‘inclinations’ are not always permanent), so it’s a thing to celebrate, not hide.

Do you realize the idea you wrote here about this person being too young directly contradicts what others with lived experience in this matter have stated?

I’m not wanting to be confrontational. I’m not wanting to begin any kind of argument. (I don’t have time.) I’m merely trying to find out if you read the thread and decided we were wrong.

So, your husband isn’t her father, so I think it’s ok to keep it from him for now, especially if he will have a bad reaction. Same with her dad. If they aren’t going to be accepting maybe hold the information for a short while. I understand this is a burden. Probably, your instinct and nature is to tell your spouse everything. I know mine is. I do keep secrets from him though. Not about myself, but if someone trusts me with information and to tell nobody, I don’t tell anybody.

The big question is if you decide to tell will they be able to act like they don’t know? Men usually suck at this.

I would give it a little time, and then eventually you can say you want to be able to have her girlfriend come to dinner, or some sort of thing where it encourages your daughter to tell on her own.

I’m shocked she told you like that since you are Mormon. I only say that because it’s usually hard for teens to tell their parents even in very liberal, secular families. I think you are very lucky. Will she be ostracized from the church? I can’t imagine one of my Mormon friends being disrespectful or hateful to someone who is gay, but I don’t know how the “church” reacts. I see how open my Mormon friends are, and how family oriented they are also.

I remember once watching Marie Islond being interviewed about her gay daughter who had killed herself and Marie spoke about how they loved her, and it had never mattered. She is an example of a famous Mormon who I’ve only seen be honest, loving, and kind to everyone.

I have never supported pushing or forcing people to “come out.” Some people don’t come out because they worry about the reaction they will get, and some of the time they are right! Some parents and community members can be horrible.

@CWOTUS I sound confrontational, and that is not my intent.

I’m asking about your wording, because I knew I was gay when I was 9, as I stated above.

Unless you want to shrug your shoulders at your faith, you should. Your honor and allegiance is to your husband before your kids, you and him are married and seen as one flesh in the eyes of God. I would, if I were you, give her (the daughter) the chance to break the news 1st.

I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. If your daughter admitted that she was having sex with her boyfriend, that might be something worth sharing with the husband. I would keep your daughter’s secret since you would do more harm than good to break that trust.

WTF? This is just too fuckin’ stupid. Some random man you met and married is more important than your true flesh and blood? A child you brought into the world? Disgusting. Just wow!

Thank you everyone! I was raised Mormon. My parents accepted everyone into our home. They loved having my friends over and didn’t care what color, sexual orientation, or if their eyes were crossed. That’s how I was raised. I’m so thankful my daughter saw that and felt comfortable talking to me about it. I’m going to keep this to myself and let her share when she’s ready.

@JLeslie She won’t be kicked out if that’s what you mean. She can still come to church and participate. When she is older she won’t be able to enter a temple or be married there if her spouse is female. Which is sad for me because it is so beautiful and sacred in there and I would love her to experience that.

Wow @Hypocrisy_Central You are not in my circumstance and only God can judge what I do for my children and husband.

^ Wow @Hypocrisy_Central You are not in my circumstance and only God can judge what I do for my children and husband.
Because it is not what you wish to hear, don’t get it mixed up as someone judging you. I am just pointing out what the Word says, unless your LDS Bible is different than what those in other faiths use. If you only wanted affirmation that you should not tell your husband because you really don’t, then stipulate that in the question and you will get agreeable answers and not honest ones, bygones…. :)

This is a huge test for you. Don’t flunk it. Your relationship with your daughter, now and for the rest of your and her life, is at stake here.

She wants to be assured that (a) you can keep a secret, and (b) that you love her unconditionally.

It’s that simple. The husband is an interested THIRD PARTY. But this is a mother daughter pivotal moment.

(My advice: Keep her confidence until there is a reason not to.)

Great decision @dubsrayboo. You sound like a very understanding parent. Your relationship with your daughter will be much better than if you had chosen differently.

I only decided that you didn’t speak for every young person, @Hawaii_Jake. I also have experience – even if indirect – with two young persons (independently, not the principals in the same relationship) being uncertain about their sexuality. Just because you were certain at a young age does not mean that everyone will be.

Although I have to add that I had zero doubt about my own sexuality and inclinations at the age of five. So, yeah, sometimes that knowledge does come early.

@dubsrayboo I’m glad to hear you grew up in a home like that. As I said, that’s my experience with my Mormon friends. I think the Mormons get an overly bad wrap that is unwarranted.

Keep in mind, whatever you decide today you can always change in the future. Try not to overthink it for now.

You mentioned your daughter is autistic, do you worry she is being taken advantage of? I think most people know what gender they are attracted to by their early teens. If I was her mom I’d be curious if she always felt gay or bisexual. I wouldn’t quiz her though. I’m sure other opportunities will come up to talk to her about it over time.

@tinyfaery As much as I agree that her husband is a third party, I even made a point to make sure I understood he isn’t her father in my answer, lots of married people basically tell each other everything. If you were told something unexpected wouldn’t you be inclined to tell your spouse? Not out of obligation, but because you share everything with her usually.

If it were me, and she asked that I don’t tell the dad or my husband, I wouldn’t. I’d let her revisit the idea in a few years, if it goes that long without them finding out otherwise.

@JLeslie My spouse and I are both very open accepting people and I would hope that if we were ever to have kids those kids would know they are loved no matter what and would be able to come to us with anything. Being gay would obviously not be an issue. We are both atheists and do not place ideology over human lives.

Having said that, if my child came to me with a secret that they didn’t want to be shared I would keep the secret but encourage the child to tell my spouse because my spouse would never judge or change the love she had for her child.

^^I think we are agreeing.